Jealous

Lauren and I (mostly Lauren) are in the middle of Begatting our living room. We (she) are doing it in stages. We tore up the carpet to find beautiful hardwood floors which begat taking out the old base molding which will begat adding new molding etc, etc. We hope to make some "built-in" bookshelves and create a new computer/office space.

In preparation for the project the whole family went to Lowe's to pick up supplies. The first ten or so minutes went well until the kids started getting antsy. Lauren and I agreed that I would find ways to entertain the kids while she finished the shopping. The kids became even more rambunctious. Max wanted to ride in the cart which begat Wyatt wanting to ride in the cart. There was not enough room for both so I told Max he had to walk which begat him crying and having a temper tantrum which begat Wyatt having an attitude and causing both kids to argue with each other which begat me to become extremely agitated.

I decided to take the kids to see the Christmas decorations in Lowe's (yep Christmas decorations in early October) hoping that that would make everyone happy. As we passed the paint aisle I saw Lauren at the other end talking to the Paint Guy. He was all smiley and flirty with Lauren. I called down to Lauren to let he know I was going to the decorations. It took me five or six tries to get her attention. When she finally looked up I told her where to meet us in the store.

The Christmas decorations turned out to put everyone in a worse mood because Max told me he wanted the new Geo-Trax Timbertown Railway for Christmas which begat Wyatt saying he wanted the new Geo-Trax Timbertown Railway, which begat Max telling Wyatt he could not ask for the same thing, which begat a battle of "yes-I-can-No-you-can't". Anyone familiar with YIC-NYC battle knows that the volume gradually increases 10 decibels with each volley. When the kids hit about 120 dB I had had enough and hurried them to the front door where Lauren was finished making her purchases and we left.

Both kids were upset that we did not see all of the decorations and they started to whine and cry. Lauren and I did our best to ignore them as we drove away. Lauren could tell my nerves were shot. She had to raise her voice over the volume of the crying in the back of the mini-van to ask me what happened

While you were flirting with the Paint Guy, these two" I said pointing to the back seat and loud enough for her to hear me, "decided to throw fits.

I then announced that because of their behavior we were going home and not to the toy store like we originally planned. The boys cried louder. We tried to ignore them.

"I was not flirting with the Paint Guy." Lauren yelled back over the noise of the boys. She rolled her eyes

"Well he was flirting with you." I hollered back

"No he wasn't"

"Yes he was. With his short sleeved maroon apron showing off his tatooed bi-ceps. He was flirting

"Oh my gosh." Lauren yelled tyring to over power the sound of the crying. "I can't believe you are jealous of the Paint Guy

"I am." I shouted back.

"You are? Really? " Lauren asked.

"Yes. I am jealous that he is back in the store and I am sitting here listening to these kids screaming."

Rules

When I was a kid, the Number One Rule, set down by my dad, in our house was "Don't hit your brother." It was good rule since there were 8 boys in the house (There was never a need for the rule "don't hit your sister" because my parents knew that all of the boys were afraid of my sister). There were other rules (some self explanatory, others were family rules) that were enforced like, "Be home at 5." "Don't talk back to your mother." "No ball in the house." "Quiet time." Etc. Etc. But on the list of rules they all fell below the Number One Rule (not that there was an actual written list of rules, all rules in our House were just known) .

We broke the number one rule many times. Most of the physical fights amongst the brothers were of the nature of wrestling or some type of rugby scrum, until someone "gave-up". But every now and then, during one of the altercations, someone, somehow, would break the rule. An errant fist would fly and make contact. All hell would break loose and we all knew that dad was going to be pissed when he found out. It was the Number One Rule.


Now that I am raising boys of my own I realize that I too have to implement a list of rules of the house. Right now, the Number One Rule is "Don't hit your brother." Boys are boys and they like to fight. It is a good rule. I think it gets broken everyday.

Here is the list of other rules we set down.

2.-Everyone must wear pants to eat dinner at the dinner table.

3.-No picking your butt.

4.-Everyone must wear pants to eat lunch at the table.

5.-Use a tissue

6.-No jumping on the furniture.

7.-Put your shoes in the closet.

8.- Everyone must wear pants to eat breakfast at the table.

9.-Lillian can not use the telephone.

10.-No throwing toys.

After reviewing my list I think I need to re-evaluate my Number One Rule.

What is your Number One Rule at your house?

Brotherly Love

Lauren and I were at a wedding reception, sitting at a large table, talking with a bunch of friends when another friend's (who was not at the wedding) name came up.

"I love him like a brother." I said proudly.

"Well that's not a big deal." joked one of the guys across the table. "You have like 8 brothers."

"Exactly." I said as the table became quiet. "Let me put it this way. I love him enough to let him pee between my legs if he really really had to go and I was sitting on the only toilet in the house and the tub and the sink were occupied."

Everyone at the table erupted in laughter.

I leaned over to Lauren and said under the noise of the laughs "Did I just reveal too much information about how it was growing up in a large family?"

Family Snapshot

There is a picture of Lauren, Maxfield, and Wyatt hanging in my cube at work. The picture was taken on a perfect day two years ago, on our trip to the pumpkin patch. I loved the picture so much that Lauren had the photo enlarged and framed and gave it to me for Christmas.

This past weekend we decided to go to the pumpkin patch. I told Lauren I wanted to take some pictures of the family (now with the addition of Jackson) to replace (update) the one hanging by my desk.

Within 5 minutes of arriving at the pumpkin patch I discovered that Lauren forgot to put the camera card into the camera. This was going to limit the number of pictures we would be able to take to about 12. I am the type of person who will take 100 pictures of the same thing just to get a decent photo. Without the camera card, getting a family picture was going to be difficult.

Within ten minutes of arriving at the pumpkin festival I was stung by a bee on my thigh. It hurt a lot.

With in twenty minutes of arriving at the pumpkin festival Max cut his finger. It bled for a bit. Within 30 seconds of that, I put Purell on his hands because he was just petting farm animals. The Purell in the cut hurt a lot. Like 140 decibels a lot.

My leg, where I was stung, hurt so much that I told Lauren that maybe I was bitten by some kind of rare Pumpkin Spider and that I may die. She basically told me to "man-up".

After a frustrating far trek trying to push Wyatt in a wheelbarrow and Jackson in a stroller over mud, smashed gourds, stalks, stems and tractor ruts out into the patch I was ready to stop and take the family picture.

We were all in a "mood".

Max was mad that we did not pick out any pumpkins yet.
Wyatt was mad that we wanted to put Jackson in the wheelbarrow with him.
Lauren was mad at me for complaining that my leg was stung by a swarm of killer bees and bitten by a tarantula.
Jackson was mad about the bumpy ride.
I was mad that I only had a few pictures left on the camera card.

In picture one, Lauren is asking Max to remove his sunglasses for the photo. Max refuses because he wants to pick pumpkins. Wyatt sees an opening and figures he can get rid of Jackson. Max gives Lauren attitude and she starts to correct him.

In picture two, Max is still giving attitude to his mother. Lauren is telling him he better "knock it off." Meanwhile Wyatt goes in for the kill which really upsets Jackson.
With only one more picture left on the camera I started to laugh at the whole scene. Everyone stopped and looked at me to see what I was laughing at. I yelled "Say cheese!" which gave me the pic I was looking for, picture number three.

I really am the luckiest.

I can't decide which one I want enlarged to replace the one at my desk. Which one would you pick?

Cow Lick

So I posted this picture,last month, about how I looked in kindergarten. I am shocked and awed at how my parents let me go to school looking that way. I dug out some more pictures from elementary school.

First grade. Notice the Cow Lick on the back of my head.

Fourth Grade- Look closely, same Cow Lick.

Fifth Grade-ummm....very close to sporting a...ummm...seriously what the hell is up with my hair?

No wonder I am very vain about how my hair looks now.

I call you out

"I call you out! Behind the church!" was how my fellow classmates in elementary school handled disputes.

Being "called out" meant someone wanted to fight you. "Behind the church" meant they wanted to fight you behind the little red brick church that was at the end of the school property. Even at an early age I felt it somewhat ironic that the kids in my school settled their differences through physical violence behind a church. Kids were "called-out" for the strangest reasons. One may have disrespected someone on the kick ball field; they were "called out." One may have said something mean about another kid's mom; they were "called out." Stuff like that.


Usually it was the bully "calling out" the weaker kids in an effort to boost their street cred and keep up with the scare tactics. Nine out of ten times the bully "called-out" other kids because he was embarrassed and hurt by something that was said or done to him. The main reason for "calling out" someone was to save face, make a point and to prove that you were better than someone.

I never called any out and I was never "called out". I was friends with Steve L, who was pretty tough, and Colin, who, as far as I am concerned was the (pronounced thee) toughest kid I ever knew. Colin was also the funniest kid and most of the other kids in our class did not know how to take him. Maybe they thought he was crazy like Murdock from the A-Team so no one wanted to mess with him. Since I was his buddy, they did not want to mess with me.

I also had four older brothers. The other kids, the ones that would want to beat me up because I made a joke about them, would say to me, "I would call you out but I don't think it would be fair because I am sure your brothers would just jump in and save you."

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I have been Maxfield's best friend for three-fifths of his life. For the past three years, if you asked my oldest son who he wanted to hang-out with for any occasion, any event, he would say, "Dad." I have always relished in the fact that Max would choose me over anyone else. It warms my heart knowing that he likes his dad.

My wife, Lauren, had another art show this past weekend (or as Wyatt, my three year old, likes to say "arts and Crabs.") She was going to be gone most of the day and I was looking forward to hanging out with my three boys. We planned a day of playing in the backyard to be followed by watching football and eating snacks that are not healthy for us. After Wyatt and Jackson would go down for their afternoon naps Max and I would play checkers or Uno. It was going to be a good day.

Then Kenny, a kid Max's age who lives up the street, stopped by with his mom. Kenny's mom asked if she could take Max with her and Kenny and Kenny's older brothers, who are eight years old, to the pumpkin patch. I asked Max what he wanted to do figuring he would rather stay with me. Max chose to go with Kenny. I couldn't believe it. I was a bit heartbroken.

Max, I think, has a new best friend.

I am ready to call him out.

But Kenny's older brothers would probably jump in and save him.

Last Quarter

At the beginning of the year I wrote this post about what I wanted to write about in 2009. As I mentioned in that post some of the stuff already happened and I just needed to write about them. The other topics were stories I knew would happen or that I was hoping would happen. Below is the same list from that post back in January with links to the actual post and/or a quick explanation.

A new baby story --Here. I never did write the complete story but Lauren did here. I kind of knew this was going to happen since Lauren was pregnant and all.

a guest post by my brother Anonymous--I asked him two months ago. He said he would send me something. He must not have my email address.

stories about me meeting other bloggers that I never met before --I had no idea I was going to meet other bloggers and I was pleasantly surprised that the opportunities came up-Here and Here . There is till time this year to meet others that I linked from my post in January.
my 1000th post -- Cooler than David Boreanz

Bathroom Begats -The details of this project are still not completed even though the bulk of the work was done last December. I still have to do some spackling, painting and minor floor work.

my 500,000 visitor --Cooler Than David Boreanz

a story about me winning the lottery --I still have my fingers crossed.

Stories about Maxfield entering Kindergarten--Here. Seriously click on that link. I have been told that people go to that post if they are feeling down and it instantly cheers them up.

I Could Have Been a Contender parts 4 and 5 -I hope to write these over the next few weeks.

Wyatt going to pre-school--Here

the vibrating testicle story --Any decent testicle story needs to be told in two parts. Part ONE and Part TWO.

being in a play -Only half complete. I am cast in a show which is scheduled for performances next March.

meeting someone famous--I had no idea at the beginning of the year I would be meeting celebrities. -Here and Here and also I met this writer.

nerve conduction study -This happened last year I have not yet written the story. I still don't know the outcome.

how advertisers keep asking to pay me --I have some advertisers. Not much but I have some. I am still waiting for the big one (That's what she said).

a book deal --Clearly I am not a writer.

lose 15 pounds-- I have three months to go.

My Dad and the assistant principle-I will write this story by year's end.

I win fantasy football --I am in two leagues. I am 0-3 with players like Drew Brees, Colston and Dallas Clarke in my work league. I can't figure it out. I am 2-1 in my other league. We'll see. C'mon Drew Brees.

Tripling my readership--Not yet, but someone did start a fan club and Dr. Phil reads me (no really he does). If I can get more readers then I am sure I will get more advertisers.

Poop and Boogies turns Four--Clearly I am not a writer.

LawnWhisperer returns--He is waiting for reader demand.

I write a screenplay --I am actually working on this. In my mind.

finish begatting my man space --I have better chance at completing the next thing on the list.

Take photos of UFO,Bigfoot,alien,or ghost --I have a better chance at completing the prior thing on my list.

guest post from Momo9 --She read this so I think she will send me something to post.

get invited to speak at some blog convention--I do not think this is going to happen.

win an award--Still have a couple of months for this. Someone nominate me for something. Anything.

Thank you to everyone who stops by here on a regular basis to read Poop and Boogies.

My Prom Date Jason Sehorn

When I took Jackson to NY last week for the Huggies/ KaBOOM event I had the opportunity to meet Jason Sehorn. Jason Sehorn is a former defensive back for the NY Giants and also the husband of Angie Harmon. We were two of only a handful of men that attended the event. While his wife was being interviewed by the press I made a bee line for Jason and introduced myself. He was very nice and friendly. He seemed genuinely interested in talking to me and we talked for about football for about 5 minutes. In an area that was filled with women and babies it was nice to have a good macho man to man conversation about my favorite sport.

Knowing that my brothers, who all consider me the non-athlete of the family, would never believe that I met and spoke to a professional football player I asked Torrie, another blogger attending the event, to take our picture. As Jackson, Jason and I struck our pose, Jackson got all squirmy and turned away from the camera. Instead of forcing Jackson around and having him look all ticked off for the photo, I simply turned my body the other way. Jason put his hand on my shoulder and we waited for Torrie to take the picture. Torrie asked that we hold the pose so she could take another with a different camera setting. Then someone from the Edelman group,the people who hosted the whole thing, asked us to stay in the pose so they too could snap a shot. We stood there for seem like a really long time.



The end result kind of reminds me of my prom picture.




A bigger picture can be found at Torrie's Flickr site here. And check out this pic of Jackson. He is so cute and should be the spokesbaby for Huggies. Thanks Torrie.

As seen on Dr. Phil ('s website)

Last Thursday I noticed in my Statcounter, that someone from the Dr. Phil show visited Poop and Boogies. I did not think too much about it although I did mention it to my wife Lauren. After some clicks and research we saw that the next show was from an Amtrak train. I just took an Amtrak train to the Huggies event I attended and I assumed someone from Dr. Phil's production company found my site through some type of Google search.

On Friday I checked my Statcounter and I saw a bunch of visits from Dr. Phil's website. They were coming from here.

Holy crap! Dr. Phil was recommending my site. I, of course, immediately posted that on my Facebook and Twitter pages. I read through the Dr. Phil website to see why. Apparently Dr. Phil was giving some advice to a new dad and encouraged him to start his own website. If you read the paragraph where Poop and Boogies is mentioned, it reads as if P&B is some kind of group support site for fathers. This was pointed out to me by several people (naysayers) on Facebook and Twitter that the Dr Phil people got it wrong because P and B is not a support site. But, you see, I saw the glass as half full and I read it as Dr. Phil encouraging the new dad to start his own website and P&B is one example of such a website. Someone at Dr. Phil knows about P & B. (Hi Email me.)

After reading the paragraph a few times it struck me that there was a possibility that Dr. Phil would, maybe, mention the name of this site on his show. I wondered how Poop and Boogies would sound with his Texas drawl. I spent a better part of the day daydreaming about what would happen if he does mention the blog on his show. I would be kind of like famous. I would be approached by all kinds of advertisers wanting to pay me for space on my blog. I could tell people that Dr. Phil himself reads and recommends my blog (which, you know, he probably does). Dr. Phil got his start on Oprah and I could get my start by being on his show. I was going places. The Poop and Boogies Show has such a nice ring to it. My dad would be so proud.

I DVRed the show and I watched the segment about the new father. The New Dad tells Dr. Phil that there are so many Mommy sites out there for women, by women, but that there are not too many by men. And just as Dr. Phil is about to mention some sites by men, his wife Robin interrupts the conversation to gush over the cuteness of the New Dad's baby. They then go to commercial and come back to a different segment.

So, Robin McGraw, Dr. Phil's wife, destroyed all my hopes of being famous by having Poop and Boogies mentioned on national television.

Does any one know anybody over at the Ellen show?

The Trainer

Potty training Wyatt has been a breeze. I guess training the second kid is always easier; Lauren and I know what tricks, signs to look for, and motivation worked with Max. Wyatt also has the advantage of having his older brother teaching him the ropes when it comes to using the john.

The best motivator Lauren and I have found is using treatsas a reward. Wyatt gets three miniature marshmallows if he pees on the potty and he gets five Skittles if he poops on the potty. We make a big deal of the "event" offering congratulations, high fives and words of encouragement while announcing to the house that Wyatt went either pee or poop. Then we divvy out the candy.

Maxfield also participates in the celebration and he too also gets pee or poop treats (you can't give candy to one kid and not the other). Max is now treating Wyatt's bowel movements as some kind of currency at a vending machine. He has figured out the quickest way to get sweets is to talk Wyatt into using the bathroom. And when Wyatt goes, Max is there in the bathroom cheering him on. Max has become quite the "corner man" in the bathroom.

"C'mon Wyatt. You can do it. Are you peeing? Maybe you should poop? We can get Skittles if you poop. C'mon Wyatt, poop! Skittles Wyatt. Skitttttles."

Max has become the Micky to Wyatt's Rocky.

"You're gonna eat lightnin; you're gonna crap thunder."

Jackson Takes NY

I posted yesterday about how Jackson was invited to New York, by Huggies, for an event promoting their new line of Little Mover Diapers as well as an auction to raise money for KaBOOM. The live auction, held at Madison Square park, auctioned off two pairs (or is it two pair? I don't know) of Huggies sneakers signed by Angie Harmon and Jason Sehorn. Both Angie and Jason attended the auction. There are other celebrities, like Jenny McCarthy and Tori Spelling (start bidding Sue) signing shoes that will be sold on ebay to raise money for KaBOOM.

We had a blast. The people at Edelman, Huggies PR company, did a great job with the event.

Jackson and I took the train from Philly to NY on Monday night and we had dinner with some other bloggers that were also invited. I was familiar with some of the blogs but not all of them. We did the whole "go around the table and introduce yourself" kind of thing. When it came around to me I made my intros and told everyone that I had Poop and Boogies business cards to hand out and exchange with the other blogger's business cards. Guess who was the only dork to bring business cards? Yup. Me. Either I really am a nerd for copying and pasting my P&B header, along with my contact info, and printing them on Avery 8879 size biz cards, or none of the other bloggers wanted to trade with me. Either way, dorkish.

Tuesday morning, prior to the auction, Jackson and I took some time to walk around Manhattan.

We walked down Madison Ave.

We also stopped in some parks before we met the other bloggers and the Edelman people for breakfast and some feedback about diapers. During breakfast I mistook a little bowl filled with white granules and a spoon as sugar and I salted my coffee. I nearly spit the coffee on the person sitting across from me. I then needed to explain to the waiter that I needed more coffee because I was an idiot and put salt in my coffee. During our Q and A with the PR people I only said "whore" once (although I may have said hooker I can't remember) and I handed out more business cards because I had so many to give away. I make very good first impressions on people.

Jackson was not so much the "little mover" at the Little Mover Adventure Zone as he was a "little sitter". Either way though, he was really cute. Jackson was a great travel companion and I really enjoyed spending time with him. Except changing his diaper on the floor, of the bathroom, on the Amtrak train. I do not think there is enough Purell in this world to get rid of the heebie jeebie skeeviness I feel.

I know that Sci Fi Dad made fun of me in his comment on yesterday's post. He called me a mommy blogger. But he is just jealous because, you see, I also got to meet Angie Harmon.

I asked her if we could work out an arranged marriage between Jackson and her youngest daughter (who is only a few weeks older than Jackson). She kind of chuckled.

I then handed her my Poop and Boogies business card. She put the card in her purse. I make very good first impressions on people.

Travel

I was invited to New York City by Huggies for an event promoting their new diaper called the Little Movers. Actually I was not invited, Jackson was. They asked that he come to NY and try out their line of diapers. After some conversation with Lauren we decided that it would be okay if I took him away for an overnight visit to The Big Apple and a chance to meet some other bloggers and their kids.

Jackson and I boarded a train to NY and let me tell you, if you want to pick up 60 year old plus women, travel with a handsome baby. He was very popular among the blue hair demographics.
On the Amtrak to NY we sat next to a very nice woman who made room for us in the seat next to her. We made small talk towards the end of the journey when she asked if it was Jackson's first train ride. I joked that his older brothers were so jealous of him and his train ride. She asked if we were ever at a train museum and she mentioned a couple.

I said "Yes. We went to the one in ..uhmm...west of Philly...uhmm. " I could not think of the name of the town we visited a few years ago.

The nice lady continued to converse about the museums when the name of train town hit me.

"Intercourse." I said.

She looked at me weird.

"The train museum we went to was in Intercourse PA."

She nodded and continued to talk. I did not really hear anything she said because I could not stop laughing at myself and what she thought of me saying Intercourse.


Jackson and I met and had dinner with Metalia, Mrs Priss, Miss Zoot, Blasian Baby Notes and Torrie. So far we are having a great time.

Pre-School

Wyatt Blue started Pre-School. I feel it necessary to mention it here because, well a lot of people that read here were around for these posts here here here.

And these pictures

Here Here Here

He's getting big ain't he?

Battle

Maxfield, either from his cousins or from his new classmates in kindergarten, has been introduced to Bakugan. I am sure if you have kids in the four to ten years of age range you most likely have heard of Bakugan. Over the past week Max has mentioned the Bakugan figures enough times to prompt me to look into them.

Bakugan is one of those Japanese cartoon anime shows that has spawned games and cards and toys that are becoming quite popular here in the States. The full name of the series is Bakugan Battle Brawlers. The game is centered around these little spring loaded balls that turn into miniature figures. A battle ensues and whoever wins the battle is the victor.

The other night I was in Wal-mart and I passed a huge Bakugan display. I looked at all the various packs and kits and whatnot and saw that a basic Bakugan figure was only four bucks. I bought a green dragon figure-ball for Max and red dragon figure-ball for Wyatt. I figured they could all learn the game together.

For all of you parents out there that want to learn about Bakugan Battle Brawler game here is a quick run down of how the game is played.

Step 1-
Kid 1- Takes his dragon figure-ball and rolls onto the card that came with the figure.
Kid 2- Takes his dragon figure-ball and rolls onto the card that came with the figure.

Step 2-
Kid 1- Realizes that Kid 2's figure is actually kind of cool looking and offers a trade of the figures.
Kid 2- Accepts trade but then after five minutes decides he would like to get his original ball back.

Step 3-
Kid 1-Refuses a re-trade.
Kid 2-Demands a re-trade.

Step 4-
Kid 1-Then takes both figures and pushes Kid 2. This is where the Battle part happens.
Kid 2- Gets up and yells "My Bakugan" and punches Kid 1.

Step 5-
Kid 1- Yells "No. My Bakugan." and shoves Kid 2.
Kid 2- Picks up a Spiderman action figure (sold separately) and wings it at Kid 1's head yelling even louder than the first time "MY BAKUGAN!"

Step 6-
Kid 1- Yells even louder "MY BAKUGAN!!"
Kid 2- is now supposed to jump on Kid 1 and try to pry the Bakugan figure out of Kid 1's hand.

The two kids commence rolling on the ground grunting and yelling and grabbing each other's faces until they are separated by a parent, who then threatens to take away all the Bakugans if the two kids cannot learn to share.

Step 7-
There is a moment of quiet.

Repeat Step 1 to continue with the game.

I am still trying to figure out why the game is so popular.

Hell's Angel

I slowed down as I approached the light, moving over towards the right hand lane.

"Oh, there is Uncle Pat." Lauren said and she pointed to a group of riders on their motorcycles in the left turn lane.

Lauren's Uncle Pat, one of the nicest and funniest guys, is a motorcycle enthusiast and he was out riding his motorcycle with other bikers on a beautiful day. He rode his cycle between two other guys who looked and dressed the part of a "biker". The guy closest to our van was big. Real big. His arms were huge and he had the toughest handlebar moustache I have ever seen. He looked like a bigger version of the dad from Orange County Choppers. He was scary.

I pulled the mini-van along side and a bit ahead of the idling bikers who were waiting to make a left in the left turn lane. I stopped just ahead of the bikes so they were at my driver's side rear fender. I rolled down my window hoping to get Uncle Pat's attention. I kind of stuck my head out and hoped Pat would see me. He did not. I was going to wave but then I thought I would be a smart ass and yell something. I did not want to hold up traffic so I kept checking my mirrors and the traffic signal.

The guy, the scary guy, who was closest to my van, saw me craning my neck, trying to get their attention and he pulled up real close to my window. I, of course, did not see him edge up to my window because I just looked up to make sure the light did not change. I turned my head out the window and yelled, "Are you trying to look like a tough guy!?" Right. Into the scary guy's. Face.

I think I may have peed a little bit. I could see the look of horror on my face in the reflective surface on his dark sunglasses. That is how close he was to my window.

"Uhhhmmmm. Not you." I said. "I meant him. Uhmmm, him. Uncle Pat. Uncle PAT? Oh Uncle Pat?" I waived frantically until Uncle Pat saw me and he yelled a greeting back.

The light changed to green and I quickly drove away a few shades paler than I was.

Red Handed

I should have seen it coming. It's one of those things that I knew was happening but for some reason I turned a blind eye to it. The signs were the typical, obvious signs that one would see on television shows like Dr. Phil or Oprah.

1. Longer than usual time spent on the computer
2. Strange phone numbers appearing on the bill
3. Easily distracted
4. Frequent trips to the store "Because I need something"
5. Unexplained receipts and charges in the bank account
6. Late nights away from the family
7. Feelings of guilt
8. An unexplained "glow" or happiness

The list goes on and on. I feel somewhat foolish for not seeing them early enough. I don't think the kids are affected and if they are they have adapted well. I am still trying to wrap my brain around it. I know it is not my fault but I am sure I hold some of the blame. I keep asking myself "Could I have done more to prevent this? What needs of hers am I not fulfilling."

Lauren is having an affair.

I am not sure when it started exactly but I do know that it has become more intense over this past summer. With vacations and day trips and other obligations I thought the whole thing would go away. I was wrong. That somehow she would lose interest. She didn't.

Like I said, I kind of knew it was happening all along but the whole affair was confirmed one evening when I cam home from work a bit early. The kids were watching TV in the Family Room with no sign of their mother around. I walked into the kitchen and just as I called out to Lauren I saw her wedding rings sitting on the window sill. I heard her rustling around in the dining room covering stuff up.

I popped my head in and I caught her red handed.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

She held up her hands which were stained with various hues of pink, green, white and mostly red.

"I'm doing Art." She said and she smiled at me.

Art. Lauren met Art a long time ago, most likely when she was a kid. She always liked Art all the way through high school. When Lauren went into to college she did so for Art. Four years of her and Art. Lauren even went to Italy so she could better understand Art. After college, though, Art changed. Art went more in the direction of computers and Lauren was more of a traditional girl. They kind of parted ways. That was the time I met Lauren. She told me all about Art but I was pretty confident that her past relationship would not affect us.

Lauren and I fell in love, got married and now have a family. Some time last year Art started poking around again. I did not think much of it. Lauren got reacquainted with Art through websites like Etsy and Flickr (those sites promote infidelity I tell you.) 1.She was spending more time on the computer. 2.Lauren started calling around to various shows and places where she could see Art. 3. She got distracted by Art. 4. She would go out to various stores because she needed stuff for Art. 5. I would see receipts for Michael's and AC Moore. 6. Since late June Lauren has been spending at least three nights a week doing Art. 7. She feels guilty about her time away from the kids and how much more I have been doing. 8. She seems happier doing Art.
Art is lucky.

This coming weekend, Lauren will be having a fling with Art. She will showing and selling Art at the Doylestown Art Festival. If you are in the area stop by and tell Lauren what a hussy she is.

To save my brother Anonymous the effort of havng to comment- Yes Lauren likes her Art, well, hung.


Question--When a man has an affair with a woman, the other woman is called a mistress. When a woman has an affair what is the other man called? Mister-ess?

Check out what Lauren is doing at Gigglepotamus.

Workshop

The first Saturday of every month Home Depot offers a free "Kids How-To Workshop". Home Depot provides hammers, nails, official Home Depot aprons (the kids get to keep them) glue and a kit for the kids to build. Their slogan is "Build. Learn. Create." I have taken Maxfield and Wyatt to these workshops (and the ones at Lowes) in the past and we usually have a good time. We have built bird houses, trucks, pirate ships and other wooden type stuff.

We have not attended a how-to clinic in quite a while and Lauren suggested that I take the kids this past Saturday, which I did. The workshop, which has seating for 16-20, people was quite busy on Saturday. When we arrived there was already a 10 minute wait for available space at the work table and a line, of about 8 other kids, formed behind Max and Wyatt.

The build-it-yourself kit this week was a bean bag game thing. The kit came with 5 pieces of wood, 2 bean bags, 10 short nails and 4 long nails. The instructions did not look too complicated. The way I usually handle these workshop kit things is that I get Max started on his project and then I build Wyatt's to a couple of steps past Max's so if questions come up I can be ready to answer them. I got Max started on the first nail and I began to build Wyatt's.

Max was ready for step two and asked me for help. Since I was already on step three, I set up Max's nails for his step two and I continued tinkering with Wyatt's. I tinkered and tinkered. I could not get step three to work right. I looked at the instructions over and over and the pieces of wood for step three would not fit. I looked at all the other parents and their kids and they all were doing fine. I tried to get a closer look at the project of the little girl sitting closest to us but I felt like I was cheating on a test. I think she even tried to shield her assembly with her elbow and forearm and she gave me the evil eye. I started to break a sweat.

Max was done his step two and asked me to help him with step three. It was right then I realized that I put step two together the wrong way. I confused the "right leg" with the "left leg"and although they were identical pieces of wood, it totally made a difference in the assembly. I took the claw of the hammer and I removed the long nails from the "right leg" as well as a chunk of flesh from my thumb. I started to bleed. Not just a little bit, but alot. It was one of those cuts that looks worse than it is because it would not stop trickling blood.

I quickly hammered Wyatt's pieces back together and I explained to Max that his step two was wrong and that I needed to pull it apart so he could do it the right way. He got mad and asked that I not bleed on his bean bag game. I clawed Max's pieces and hammered them back. I got wood glue all over my hands in the process. We all moved to step three together, which again, I could not figure out.

I looked at the instructions and then at the wood pieces in front of me. The instructions, the wood pieces. The instructions, the wood pieces. I shook my head and sighed. I put step two together wrong again. I put the pieces right back the way I had them. I took them all apart, again, while Max and Wyatt protested. I added more glue and I hammered the pieces together. I bent one of the long nails in Wyatt's game and I dropped two nails on the floor, they rolled out of reach under the table. I was very frustrated. People who were behind us in line at the start of the workshop were finished their projects and were heading out the door.

I studied the instructions again as I sucked on the cut on my thumb to prevent the blood from dripping on the table. I got a mouthful of wood glue. I started to work on step three when I could feel my face get flush and my ears burn, I could feel anger rising from my chest.

"Son of a...." I swallowed the last word. "I can't believe it."

I put the pieces back together the exact same way I did the first few times. Wrong.

I could not believe I made the same mistake, not once, not twice, not three, but four fa-ricking times.

I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I have gutted rooms, dry-walled cielings, re-done kitchens and bathrooms, I even have put together many pieces of Ikea furniture and never had this many problems. What the hell was wrong with me and this simple little game? I was beside myself. Flustered.

Then it hit me. I was holding back due to the room full of children. My mental block, my problem with this do-it-yourself clinic was the fact that I was unable to curse when I messed up.

My DIY motto has always been "Build. Curse. Learn."

Ballgame

Wyatt and Jackson attended their first Phillies Game. It took me 35 years to become a fan of baseball. Now, I love the game. I wish I became a fan earlier in life because of all the conversations I missed out on with my dad and my brothers through the years. I am just now learning some of the science, art, intricacies and nuances of the game, which I may or may not be able to teach my kids. My boys may never develop an interest in the game of baseball....

...unless it involves cotton candy, popcorn, peanuts and soda. I think they will always have an interest in those aspects of the game.

It was a good game. A pitcher's duel which made it somewhat boring for the kids. Not too many plays presented themselves for me to impart my wisdom of the game onto the kids.

We had a good time. We left after the 6th inning when Max and Wyatt took the phrase Fightin' Phils quite literally and started to beat the crap out of each other.
On the way out of the game we stopped to use the restroom and finally a ball park teachable moment presented itself. I had to explain to Max that it was socially unacceptable to talk to the people standing on either side of him, while peeing, at the urinals in the men's room. It is a nuance of the game.

Kindergarten

Maxfield starts Kindergarten next week.

I am a little nervous for him.

Why?


Well, this is me in Kindergarten.







Do you understand why I may be nervous?

Impact

Saturday night Lauren and I attended a wedding reception at the same place we had our wedding and reception seven years ago.

The caterer remembered us. Okay, not really us, but our wedding.

The woman who manages the place, Sharon, remembered us. Okay, not really us, but our wedding. Sharon showed us some pictures from our wedding that she uses as examples to new clients. She told us how she tells newly engaged couples about the picnic settings, the croquet games and Frisbees we had at our wedding and how they were a great use of the grounds. She told us she thinks of our wedding often when she is meeting with new couples.

This made Lauren and I feel good.

Sharon also told us how she has changed the contract she presents to potential clients. Due to our wedding the contract now strictly prohibits silly string, scaling walls, bicycles on the hill as well as a few other minor changes.

This made Lauren and I very happy.

Signature 2

I have been grilling a bunch this summer and over the weekend I needed a refill on my propane tank. As usual I signed a fake name to my credit card/debit card receipt. Since I was buying propane for my grill, I decided to sign my credit receipt as Bobby Flay. I posted about how I always change my signatures on credit cards here.

Cooler Than David Boreanaz

I wrote a list ( here) back in January of some of the topics I wanted to cover in this blog for 2009. Some of the topics from the list I have already written about; some have not happened yet (like winning the lottery).

It has been a good couple of weeks for this blog.

One item from the New Year list happened two weeks ago while I was on vacation and I am just now realizing it. According to Sitemeter (one of the stat trackers I use) I had my 500,000th visit to Poop and Boogies some time around August 7th. According to other tracking sites I have had more than 500,000 visits over the past 4 1/2 years but Sitemeter is one of the easier ones to figure out and to see the 500,000 number on their site was a goal of mine.

Another item from the list, is that I have now broken the 1000th post mark. This post, the one you are reading right now, is my 1001 post. I can't believe it. A quick count shows that Poop and Boogies has also received over 20,000 comments over the past 4+ years. I am sure 9,000 of them are from my brother Anonymous trying to Blog Jack me (I define Blog Jack as when a comment on a post gets more reaction from other comment-ers than the actual post). I want to thank every one who stops by here and reads my blog. Whether you comment or not I can see from the stats that people stop and read what I have written. It means a lot to me and I am very thankful that you read but sometimes getting comments makes the blogging thing all worthwhile.

I heard an interesting story about a somewhat popular blogger who hated when the comments on his/her blog were funnier than his/her actual posts. Apparently he/she would send nasty emails to the comment-ers telling them they had no "blog manners" and that they were trying to steal his readers. I don't know if that blogger still does that but, man...what a douche bag. I welcome blog jackers. The funnier the better. I am so appreciative of the fact that someone actually is taking time to add their thoughts to something I wrote. I should do a better job at acknowledging comments. I like the Bloggess' approach to comments. Everyday she posts "The comment of the day" which is the comment that she thinks was the funniest to her. Maybe I should start doing that.

The other day I was on Facebook and I did a quick search for Poop and Boogies and I was shocked/astonished/pleasantly horrified that someone started a P&B Fan Club. I emailed Alisha, the person who started it, and asked if I could post about the Fan Club here and tell other Facebook-ers to go join. I warned her that my brothers may comment and ridicule the fan club. Her response was "and if your brothers make fun of it, just remind them about how many fan clubs they have. None. "

Alisha, thank you so much for flattering me. Alisha is the "Fan Club Member #001 Extraordinaire" of the Official Poop and Boogies Fan Club on Facebook. If you use Facebook, go and join.

Alisha also told me she is not a stalker and that I am cooler than the other person's Fan Club she was a part of like 10 or so year ago.

I am cooler than David Boreanaz.

It has been a good couple of weeks.

Model

My wife, although back to her pre-baby-pregnant-Jackson weight, was a bit concerned about wearing her new bathing suit on the beach last week.

She told me all the things she needed to consider when buying her new bathing suit, which I did not understand was such a complicated issue. She did not want an "old lady" suit. She wanted a two piece, but not a bikini. She did not want a "mom bathing suit" but at the same time she did not want a suit that said she was trying too hard to look young. She wanted something that looked good but was also comfortable and practical.

Like I said, it was complicated.

We were heading to the beach and I could tell she was somewhat self conscious about the suit.

"I am sure you will look great." I said, "Besides you will sitting next to me and in comparison to me you will look like a Victoria's Secret model."

"Thanks Bill. Its just that..." She paused. "Wait. What? Are you saying I don't normally look as good as a Victoria's Secret model?"

And at that point I shut up.

She looked great.

I sneaked a few pictures of her.

She won't let me post any.

Is it weird that I want my screen saver to be one of those pictures?

Stranger Celebrity

There was the time we left the Hatboro parade in the late 70's. My mom parked the car in the lot behind the retirement home. We couldn't leave because someone blocked us in. We waited for what seemed like hours. Finally the fat lady and the skinny man showed up and moved their car. We were so happy that we created a song at that very moment called "The Fat Lady and the Skinny Man." Not all of my family was there but the story has been told so many times that everyone thinks they were. The fat lady and the skinny man have provided my family with 30 years of a funny memory. Perfect strangers who will never know their celebrity status with my bothers and sisters.

There was the guy in Cape May back in the late 80's who bought my friends beer. My buddy Jeff , underage at the time, gave him money to get a case of Busch. While Jeff and a couple of other friends waited outside the liquor store they noticed that the guy's car had extra antennas and other official equipment in it. When the guy returned with the case of beer Jeff asked if he was a cop. The guy nodded. Jeff asked if he was going to be arrested. The guy said no. The guy placed the beer on the ground and walked away. I was not there but I have heard that story so many times, that sometimes, I believe I was. A perfect stranger who will never know what type of legend status he holds amongst a group of friends. Someone we don't know provides us with entertainment when the story is retold every time we get together.

There was that guy at Mallory Square during the Sunset Celebration in Key West in 2002. He held up a sign that read "Dirty Jokes 50 cents". A brilliant way to panhandle. I gave the guy a dollar and he told Lauren and I two dirty jokes. I gave him another dollar and I asked him to pose with my new wife of only a couple of days. Lauren sat on his lap, he made a dirty gesture and I snapped a picture. Lauren and I talk about the "Dirty Joke Man" all the time. A perfect stranger who will never know that he brings a smile to our faces a few times a year when Lauren and I talk about our honeymoon. He is a small celebrity in our lives and he does not know it.

When we were down the shore last week we stayed in a hotel/condo conversion that had a small pool. The kids and I went into the pool everyday in the late afternoon. We didn't really swim but just relaxed and floated. I made sure that Maxfield, Wyatt and Jackson all had their float-able tubes and what not and I would walk the pool making sure that they each were okay. Everyday we shared the small pool with other people from other units and I had to remind Max and Wyatt to keep the volume down.

One evening in the middle of the week Lauren joined us in the pool. I walked and waded in the pool next to my boys, just like I had the past few days, and Lauren swam and dove under Max and Wyatt, tickling their toes as she passed. The boys were having a blast with their mom. The only other people in the pool were three teenage girls who were chatting against the wall about 8 feet from us so I did not feel like I had to quiet the kids.

I started to feel a little jealous that I was not the one that was causing Max and Wyatt their giggles and laughter. I asked Lauren to keep an eye on Jackson and I swam to the far end of the pool. I called out to Max and Wyatt and said I was going to get them. They both turned towards me as I went under the water and pushed off the wall as hard as I could at them. The force of the wall kick caused my swim suit to slip down to my knees as I swam under Max and Wyatt. I quickly fixed them as I came up for air hoping that nobody saw.

"Daddy!" Max yelled from the other side of the pool. "I just saw your heinie crack. And it wasn't just a little bit, I saw the whole thing and it was really big."

I blushed. Lauren laughed. The three teenage girls busted out laughing. One girl was trying to stifle her laugh while the other girl could not contain herself. They laughed for a good ten minutes.

I am a perfect stranger to those girls and I know that in the future, if they are still friends, they will share a laugh over the guy in the pool with the really big butt crack.

Vacation, Past and Present

Last week we took our first real family vacation. All previous family vacations have either been day trips or treks from Orlando to Philly to visit family.

We went to Wildwood Crest NJ, which is the same shore town I used to go to when I was a kid for two to three weeks every summer. We stayed in a hotel/condo conversion two blocks from my dad's uncle's house, which was the house I stayed in when I was a kid. I couldn't help but point out landmarks and memories to Lauren and the kids.

"Look, there is Sunset Lake where we would go fishing and crabbing every year."

"Do you see that Aqua colored water tower? That was what I would look for to let me know I was close to the uncle's house."

"We used to pool hop there and there and there. And that is the place I lost my big toe nail in 82. It was either John or Pat that opened the door right across my bare foot and it tore the nail right off."

Overall we had a good time and I know that Maxfield and Wyatt had a blast.


At one point during the week Lauren questioned my selection of a certain breakfast item. The item in question was Entenmann's chocolate covered donuts. I bought like 3 boxes of them. There is something about the ocean side salt air that makes me crave chocolate donuts. That and the fact that I remembered that we always had donuts around when we were kids at the shore. Entenmann's Donuts and Cheez-Its remind me of the beach.

Lauren joked that maybe I was trying to re-live my childhood. I laughed it off and told her I just wanted the kids to have a good time and remember the shore as a great place.

When we got back home I was looking through the gazillion photos we took and some of them looked very familiar. So familiar that I went into the attic and dug out an old scrapbook.

Maybe Lauren was somewhat right about me trying to re-live my childhood. Or maybe I was just trying to give my kids a taste of the gift of the childhood I had.

Nightmare

Last year Lauren I took the kids to the beach for a couple of days. The boys had such a blast that for the next several months they talked about going to the the beach with their friend Stelly and how much fun they had in New Jersey.


When ever Wyatt would have a nightmare or be scared to go to bed for whatever reason I always sat with him and we would talk about the great time down the shore. I would suggest that he dream about digging in the sand, standing in the ocean, or going on rides at the boardwalk. Wyatt would smile, and remember the time fondly and close his eyes and drift off to sleep with happy thoughts.

This year Lauren and I took the kids to the beach for a full week. I am not saying that Wyatt is not having a good time but he is now afraid of the ocean, he got a black eye from the bumper cars, and he feels the same way about log flume rides as his father does.



Now when I try to calm him down at night with stories about the beach I am sure he will hear the screams of his dad wailing like a little girl. I need to come up with new "happy thoughts".




GoodNites is still running their Special Bedtime Moments contest. If you enter the contest you have a chance to win the grand prize which is a bedroom makeover or something.

Contest Rules: Go to Special Bedtime Moments and share a special bedtime moment shared by you and your family (can be a story, tip for getting kids to sleep or rundown of your nighttime routine).

Disclaimer: I have partnered with GoodNites for this series of posts; I am being compensated for writing about my family's bedtime routine and for promoting this contest, not for endorsing a product.

Raging at the Beach

I am on vacation this week. My choice of beach reading is Rage Against the Meshugenah, by another blogger Dan Evans. So far I am enjoying it. The vacation and the book.

Big Smile

On Demand

My kids watch a television show or two in the morning, one around dinner time and, most nights, a show before bed time. These three times are when I need a little time for myself either to get stuff done or to just unwind. They watch in the morning because we are shaking out the cobwebs, getting ready for the day, making breakfast, SSS, feeding Jackson etc. The kids will sometimes watch a show while Lauren is making dinner. And I let them watch a show just before bed so I can take some time for myself to catch up on the news, have a cocktail or just surf on the computer. So, yes, essentially I let the TV babysit my kids for 22 minutes at night so I can have some "me" time. Selfish, I know.


When I click the On Demand button on my Verizon Fios remote control, I am usually doing it so my kids can watch an episode of Word Girl, Super Why or some other type of kids show.

When I hit the On Demand button on my Verizon Fios remote a few menus pop up with the categories of various shows or movies. I scroll down to the "Kids" tab, I press enter and then I search for shows. I find the show my kids want to watch and it takes 20 seconds to load into the cable box. The whole process take a minute to a minute and a half.

When I press the On Demand button, my kids are usually in the room, eyes fixed on the television, anxiously waiting to see Captain Huggy Face defeat Lady Redundant Woman. While I am trying to get to their program they are watching the commercials that automatically pop up on the upper part of the screen. The commercials are for the latest movies that Verizon Fios On Demand is pushing, such as Friday the 13th and Bloody Valentine. The previews show screaming people being chased by masked men carrying large sharp objects.

I know that that MPAA has approved that these previews are suitable for all audiences but, really, does FIOS need to run them while I am on the "Kids" menu? There has to be a better way.


The reason I am complaining is that these On Demand previews are giving my kids nightmares. One night Max woke up and told me about a dream he had with a guy getting a fork stuck in his eye. The next morning, when I asked him about the dream he told me he saw it on a commercial. I have not been able to figure out what commercial but I have to assume it was for a movie like Saw or The Ring. I am most positive that he saw this commercial while we were On Demanding.

Now being woken up at 2:00 in the morning is seriously cutting into my "me" time.

Dear Fisher-Price

Seriously, please consider making toy kid sized lawn mowers that actually cut grass. I would be able to get my lawn done in one-third the time. Well, maybe more like half the time.

Well, actually it would probably take twice as long with all the trips to the ER. So, never mind.

Volunteer

When Maxfield broke his femur Lauren and I drove him to the local ER. They x-rayed his leg and confirmed the fracture but were unable to treat him due to their lack of a Pediatric Orthopedic Specialist. They sent us to Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, CHOP for short.

CHOP had to do their own evaluation and run their own tests on Max's leg. The pushing and prodding and twisting of his leg to get the x-rays was extremely painful for Max. Now he had to go through it twice. While being pushed and prodded in CHOP's triage area Maxfield started screaming at the top of his lung's "This is the worst hospital I have ever been to." Which was very funny because, well, you know, he has only been to two.

Someone must have heard him screaming (every body on the floor heard him) and they sent in a specialist. This specialist entered the room, evaluated the situation, and quickly began working on calming Max down. She talked directly to Max and started teaching him breathing techniques to help ease the pain.

"Take deep breath, hold it for a couple of seconds and then push all the pain away when you exhale. Blow the pain away." She said over and over again demonstrating with long audible exhales. She made sure that Lauren and I were watching her so we could help Max manage his pain when she had to leave. This specialist was not a doctor or a nurse, nor do I think this person had any kind of medical degree. She was a volunteer. She was incredible.

Later that night when Max would wake up every five minutes, with severe muscle spasms and intense amounts of pain, I would start coaching him to blow the pain away. The spasms would last for a couple of minutes and Max would, between tears and sobs, huff and puff his way through them. I would end the final moments of the spasm by whispering in his ear, "Push the pain out with your breath. Whoooooooow. Push the pain out with your breath. Whoooooooow. Push the pain out with your breath. Whoooooooow." Max would drift off to sleep for another five minutes before another spasm would hit and we would start all over.

For the two weeks following our hospital stay, at least once a night, I would have to coach Max to blow out his pain. I know we were sent to CHOP to make sure that Max would see a Pediatric Orthopedic, but I am glad we were sent to CHOP so Max and I could see the volunteer.

The cast came off at the end of June and Max is doing really well. The doctor said he is healing exactly as he should be but he won't be back to normal for another 6 or so months. The muscles surrounding his thigh are still somewhat atrophied but are slowly returning to normal. As a result of the fracture Max's right leg is a centimeter or two shorter than his left leg. This causes a very awkward gate and limp when he walks.

A few nights ago I was watching Max play with some kids at the park. The kids were running in a pack from one end of the field to another, using soccer nets as their start and finish lines. Max could not keep up the pace. He was always about 15 yards behind the group. At one point the group stopped at a soccer net and Max kept running. He ran right past them. The other kids started sprinting to catch up to Max. Just as they were on his heels, Max's leg gave out and he went sprawling into the grass. The other kids kept running. Max lay still for a few moments but he then slowly stood up, brushed himself off and hobbled to the other soccer goal.

I watched it all from a distance and my heart was breaking for Maxfield. I found myself welling up and whispering under my breath to myself, "Push the pain out with your breath."

Whooooooow.

Here is a great link for parents. Save it in your favorites. It has tips and information about dealing with trauma After the Injury.