Signature

Did you ever notice that when you pay for something with a credit card the electric signature pad and pen never really work? Besides the fact that most of the signature pads in major stores like Home Depot or Sears are always scratched up like someone was using a dull dry wall screw as a writing implement, but even brand new signature pad machines never can actually capture a true signature. I also hate the fact that the electric pens, if there is one attached, are designed for right-handed people. Being a Southpaw I am always trying to finagle a way to get enough slack on the cord just so the pen can reach the pad.

But no matter how hard I try to make it work my signature always ends up looking like my left hand had a spastic seizure at the exact time I attempted to sign. Usually my first name looks okay, but nine out of ten times my last name ends up like an ECG read out from Dick Cheney’s medical records.

Recently I started to play a game when I make purchases. I sign my first name to get a feel on how the machine is going to react. If it looks like it may be okay I finish with my last name. But if it reacts like most of these machines do, I now write something different for my last name to see how it appears on the receipt. At Lowes, the other night, I wrote William Nerd. At Sears, yesterday, the machine was really messed up, so I wrote Duke of Earl. I know it is a silly little game and I am sure there are federal regulations against it, but I play anyway.

Yesterday, at Toys R Us, I signed IMA DORK. When the girl at the register looked at the receipt with the electronic signature on it she thanked me, started handing me my receipt and did a double take and re-read the signature. She snickered. Of course it printed clear as day. I was slightly embarrassed.