Saturday, April 30, 2005

We call it Sigmund. Posted by Hello

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Nuk Nuk Who's There?

From the time that Max was born I have refused to call any of his toys, blankets and or baby needs by any other name than what it actually is. A Pacifier is a pacifier. Not a bink, binky, paccy, pap, nook or nookie. Nookie is how Max was created. There are no ba ba's. Just bottles. There is no wooby, blankie or bankie. Just blankets. Max has not really had any sort of attachment to anything to give it a name except Murphy the Monkey. Max cannot say Murphy or Monkey so it does not make a difference. I am not saying that other people are wrong for giving these names to their pacifiers and what not. I am sure once Maxfield starts talking, we will start using cutes names for his toys and stuff. I am just against parents already assigning names to things before the kid does. I do not think I should be teaching him how to mispronounce things from the get go.

Well, we are trying to get him off the bottle. Lauren went out and bought a half sip cup and half bottle. It is made by a company called NUBY (with the little accent thing above the "U"). What do we call it? I wanted to call it the Nipple Cup. But Lauren felt that had a different meaning. We could call it the Suck Cup.UH, NO!!!

I mean we need to name it because when he is crying and Lauren says from the other room "Bill, Can you bring me the thing with the sip cup bottom and the half bottle nipple and half sip cup lid.",it is not going to work. Lauren thinks we should just call it a NUBY. Is it NOOBY or NUBBY or is NEW BUY? We need a name.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Luna's Life

Way back in 03 I used to write a blog about the dog. Luna's Log. It was written from her (Luna's) perspective. Since we have had Max, Luna has not been getting the attention she deserves. She is a great dog and is awesome to have around (most days). I stumbled upon some of her entries and figured I would post one here. This should make her happy.

Luna's Log 5/13/03
I like walking on Monday nights and Tuesday mornings. It is trash day in the neighborhood. There are all kinds of awesome smells. People throw away the greatest things. Like pizza crust. Why people don't eat pizza crust I will never figure out. Lauren does not eat hers. I love pizza crust. I found a piece by the curb and before Lauren and Bill could get it from me I had the whole thing in my mouth. Bill tried to pull it out but I bit down harder, right onto Bill's finger. He was mad. I don't know why, because I have seen him scarf down pizza before. Lauren said I am going to get worms. I think I am going to get pepperonis. I also like trash day because people leave out their recycling cans. There is always a little bit of food in them. Trash day is like a buffet for dogs. LUNA

I will try to include more of her writing in the future.

She is so Patient. Posted by Hello

Monday, April 25, 2005

Max's New Toy

Max has a new toy. While giving him his bath tonight Max found the one thing that will cause him so much pleasure and disappointment for the rest of his life. That's right. Maxfield found his Johnson. His pecker. His penis. He couldn't keep his hands off it. After he finished his bath and we put on his diaper he kept looking for it. I needed to distract him with whatever stuffed animals we had in the crib. Which I think is now going to cause him some problems. Because I was distracting him with Bear, and with the purple Horse and with Murphy the Monkey which are all decent euphemisms.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

His response to the word "NO". Posted by Hello


When we moved to FL we moved into a development that has a lake 1 block from our house. I want to buy a boat. Lauren has already agreed to this, however the actual type/amount of the boat has never been discussed. I asked my brother to send Lauren some info on boats to kind of push her in the right direction. The following is part of their emails back and forth. A few things that are strange is no mention of boat anywhere as well as the fact that both my wife and brother are divulging secrets. My wife explaining my incompetence and my brother revealing the reasons for it. I just want a boat.

What exactly are we cheating and/or winning at? And what do you mean by your ability to play dirty? I think you may suffer from "I don't have the time to be bothered with this" syndrome, something that Bill suffers from as well. However, in your haste to get everything done at the speed of light, as you put it, your work is sloppy and in many cases has to be re-done, causing even more lost time and money.
Example: Our fountain pump has been broken for several weeks. I finally found the manual that explains how to properly take it apart and put it back together. I asked Bill if he read the instructions, and he said yes. Well, if he had, he would have seen that he is not supposed to use caulk to put it back together, because it makes the water milky, and if he should ever need to take it apart again, it now has to be cut apart, whereas if he used plumber's putty, like the instructions say, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Needless to say, he is redoing the project again this weekend. Now I understand that you are both incredibly busy men, what with all the golf and video games that need to be played, but wouldn't you agree that one weekend day on a project is better than two? My theory is do it the right way the first time, and even though it may take a few extra precious seconds longer, you won't have to worry about it again.

Oh, and didn't your mom ever tell you cheaters never prosper? LAUREN

Let me explain the mentality of a semi-retarded-when-it-comes-to-tools man. You see, if we do it right the first time, you will assume that we know what we are doing, and may actually be good at meaningless chores. This then leads to more meaningless chores being added to our list, cause we are now good at it. So there is never a do it right, and be done mentality with you girls. Your mentality is if we do it right the first time, then we can do more things.

Example: Vic did not like the faucets in our bathroom. Vic wanted new ones. So we got new ones and I started the installation process. The first step of the installation is to remove the existing faucets. There were no directions on this step of the process, so I made them up. This was time consuming on the first one, cause I had no clue as to what I was doing. I have never aspired to be a plumber, nor am I crafty enough to pretend to be one. So after a hack saw, a blow- torch, and some good old fashioned cursing and screaming, I got the bastard off. Then I installed the new faucet. That was a piece of cake. So now I had to move onto the next faucet. My keen sense of observation while dismantling the first faucet made me notice two bolts that I had not seen while I was cursing, sweating, and aching. I did not see these bolts until after I pulled it out from the sink. So on the second one, I loosened those bolts before trying to pry it away. It came right out. No crow-bar. No blow-torch. No hack-saw. Out it came. So I put the second new faucet in. The first faucet took the good part of 3 hours. The second took me 20 minutes. You know what I got for realizing that it is a 20 minute project? I got 4 new faucets to change in all the other rooms. That's right, now I have to change them all. If it was hard, I would have no more faucet duty. But cause it is easy, I am now a plumber. She is even talking toilets now. That blows.

Ok, so what you're telling me is you and Bill are both evil geniouses diguised as idiots? LAUREN

Friday, April 22, 2005

Here's an Example

I went to Gymboree yesterday during my lunch to watch Max play. I have never had the chance to see him really interact with other children. He is now at the age where, I think, it is important for him to be around other kids. I was the only father there. I felt a little uncomfortable. I don’t know why. But I did.
When I got back one of my co-workers commented on “Why” I would go. It was not a rude or malicious comment, more of a wise crack really. I feel lucky, that I only work 2.5 miles on two roads with a total of 4 traffic lights away from Gymboree that I can go and watch Max. But the comment got me to thinking. Why would I go?

My parents raised 9 kids. There is a 10-year age difference from the oldest to the youngest. My dad worked and my mom stayed home. My dad worked a lot. But he never missed a baseball game, a football game, basketball game, a band performance or a play or recital. He even coached each one of us at some point in either basketball or baseball. Sometimes he coached us twice in a sport. I remember he coached me in T-Ball. I was the catcher. I got to wear all the cool gear and pads. I was the catcher because my dad was the coach and he knew I would love to play catcher. My job was to catch the last out of the inning. It was an important job. **

He also coached my 7th grade and 11th grade intramural basketball teams. In between he was coaching my other siblings. The only time he would miss a game was if he was actually coaching another brother in a game. I can remember him coaching on little league field #2 and he would be facing field #1 because one of us was at bat on field #1. There is the coach facing the wrong field. Did he feel uncomfortable? Probably not. He was always there. He bent his schedule to be there for us. That is why I went to see Max at Gymboree. Because my dad set a good example. So thanks dad. Thanks for being there for us. Thanks for being a good example. I hope I can set a good example for Max.

**It wasn’t until I was an adult that I found out that the only reason why I was the catcher in T-ball was because as my dad said, “You were not that coordinated. I didn’t want you to get hurt. I figured having all the pads on would protect you”.
Again, thanks for looking out for me dad.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Fisher Price 500 Winner! Posted by Hello

What Color is Your Poop?

Not quite the topic you may want to read about but, since this is about my parent’s influence on me as a parent, as well as it is the name of the blog, I figured what the hell.

When we were young, my 7 brothers, 1 sister and I and we did not feel well my mother usually asked the normal questions. “What hurts?” “Do you have a headache?” “ Do you feel feverish?” then she would check with the hand-to-the-head thermometer. But one of the last questions was always “What color is your poop?”

We make fun of her on occasion for this question.
What diagnosis could she make from that? Would the color determine whether you had the flu? A cold?
The only thing I could ever determine was how much grape Kool-Aid I drank.
Now that I have Max, Lauren and I have definitely noticed a correlation to the color and the smell to how he is feeling. Now that the second set of teeth are coming in the color has changed as well as the smell, we are starting to figure out the diagnostic capabilities to “What color is your poop?”

To quote the Mrs., a few days ago, “It has a sweet corny smell to it, maybe we are feeding him too much corn.”
I can’t wait for the kid to start drinking Kool-Aid.

Walk this Way

Max is walking pretty good these days. He can actually make it from room to room now with out holding on to anything. The past few days we have let him walk to the park. Not on his own of course. Lauren and I escort him. And he has the help of a walker type toy that his godmother Bridgett gave to him at Christmas. It is like a lawnmower. He loves to push it along. The park is about a block and half away. It is pretty cool because at his age everyday he walks we can say “He has never walked this far in his ENTIRE life” and it is a true statement. How often do we say stuff like that that is not true? For a 1-year-old kid everyday is like a milestone achievement. If Maxfield could talk he could say “I have never eaten this much Cheerios in one sitting in my entire life”, or “I have never pooped this much in one day in my entire life” and they pretty much are all true statements.

The other cool thing about him only being one is that he thinks I am the best singer, next to his mom, in the world. I can sing Itsy Bitsy Spider and the ABC’s better than anybody. They are the only two songs that I know. But if I were to cut an album, Max would buy it.

One random thought.

“Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya, you should take Crestor, or prepare to die.”

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Tooth Un-Fairy

I got a call from my brother John asking about the photo of the moon that says “Max Loves MaMa and Pa.” Before we left for Florida my mom, whose grandchildren call MaMa (like Grand Ma Ma), wrote a story for Max. The basic gist of the story is that every time Max sees the moon he should say “I love you MaMa”, and every time that my mom sees the moon she will say “I love you Max.” Even though they live a thousand miles apart they can still share the moon. It was a nice story and whenever we see the moon I say for Max “I love you MaMa”.

While I was speaking with John he mentioned that his son needed a visit from the tooth fairy. He asked how much was too much to give him, not wanting to set a precedent and what not. John said, “I mean when we were growing up I used to get a dollar.” I said, “A dollar? I used to only get a quarter. And I am younger than you. Man I got ripped off."

MaMa has some explaining to do.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Max Loves MaMa and Pa  Posted by Hello


Lauren has been taking Maxfield to Gymboree. Basically it is a padded room, with padded toys, with other kids and their parents to run around and not get hurt (the kids not the parents). We met some other mothers and little kids Max’s age and Lauren and I are always surprised how big Max is in comparison to the kids his age. We always get the somewhat sideways glance from some woman who says with hesitation, “How old is he?” Like maybe Max should be in the next class up because this class is for kids just learning to walk and of course Max is too big to be in this class.
We respond with “13 months.” Then they always go “Ohhh, Oooh I thought he was 18 months or older”. Then the realization hits them that Max is not a total idiot and that the reason that he does not talk or walk too well is because he has only been alive for just over a year.
Then a little bit of guilt hits the woman that asks the question and they usually come back with a compliment like “ Well, he is a cutie.” Or “Look at that smile.” Or my personal favorite “Well, he sure is a HAPPY baby.” I always feel like responding by saying “Of course he's happy. He has two parents that love him and he gets to walk around with no pants on most of the time. Wouldn’t that make you happy?”
But,I never do.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Reasons for a Social Life

Lauren and I have been living in Florida now for 45 days now. No friends or family to speak of down here at this time. So besides shopping and fixing up the house and doing chores we entertain ourselves with some different conversations. I figured I would post the best.
Me: There was a murder in our backyard.
Lauren: What? When?
(I guess she was thinking before we moved in the house)
Me: About 5 minutes ago. There are still some left.
Lauren: What?
Me: There were 15 crows in the backyard. Look there are still some there.
Lauren: Oh.
Me: A murder is what you call a flock of crows or blackbirds.
Lauren: Yea I know but you scared me for a second there.

I forget when this one took place.
Lauren: You know the other night, when I kept waking you up because you were farting so loud.
Me: Yeah, I’m sorry about that.
Lauren: You only farted once.
Me: Really?
Lauren: Yeah. All the other times I was just messing with you.
Me: Why?
Lauren: I thought it was funny.

Last night while watching T.V. I was on the chair, Lauren on the couch and right next to her, Bogart the cat sleeping peacefully.
Lauren: Isn’t that the lady that was in that show with George Jefferson?
Me: No.
Lauren: No not the Jefferson’s but the spin off show.
Me: I don’t know what you are talking about.
Lauren: It was the show…I remember her and another lady singing “It’s Raining men”(Lauren starts to sing It’s raining Men)
Bogart Jumps up scared to death. I guess he really thought it was raining men.
Me: I don’t think the cat like your singing.
I am reading a book about Alexander Hamilton, one of the founding fathers of United States. Every now and then I will tell Lauren some tidbit of information I learned from the book. This was this morning’s conversation.
Me: Did you know a slaveholding president from the south occupied the presidency for 50 of 72 years following Washington’s first inauguration?
Lauren: Did you know (singing) The music train is on the tracks, listen to it go clickety clack.
This is from the Leap Frog music train.
Lauren: Can you tell I need to have more adult interaction?

Sunday, April 17, 2005

It's only a matter of time before I have to call 911 to get him unstuck.  Posted by Hello

Friday, April 15, 2005

Big Ol' Bag of Poop

I walk the dog, Luna, usually 2 times a day. We walk around the neighborhood. The new neighborhood, where I do not know anyone, since I just moved to Florida from Pennsylvania.
I pick up Luna's poop, in a plastic bag, everyday. I HATE meeting my NEW neighbors holding a big ol' bag of poop. It's even worse when I carry the bag of poop in my right hand. No one wants to shake my hand.

A State by any Other Name

Everyone knows that Florida is the Sunshine Sate. I have come up with a few names that I think they could possibly rename the State Slogan.

1. The Accident State. We have seen more car accidents here than I have ever seen in my entire life. Because of # 2 and #3.
2. The U-Turn State. The way the roads are built down here it is nearly impossible to make a left anywhere there is not a traffic light. You have to go to the next major intersection and make a U-turn, and then make a right hand turn.
3. Run the Red Light State- Most of the people I have spoken to in Florida, warned us that people run red lights all the time. Due to the fact that most of the roads have a speed limit of 45 mph sometimes it is hard to stop in time. People call it the two car rule. If you are waiting at a red light facing north, once the light turns green, you wait for 2 cars to go through east/west light that just turn red before you should proceed.
4. The Blue Hair State- Obvious reasons.
5. The Shopping Center State- They are everywhere.
6. The Blue Roof State. Since there were 4 hurricanes last year, there are blue tarps on tons of roofs down here. Waiting for Insurance money.

Just a few. I am sure there are more.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Ice Cream and Haircut. Posted by Hello


Max got his first official haircut yesterday. Lauren says he was good. There were only a few crying moments but otherwise he was awesome. He sat in Lauren's lap as the lady cut his hair. He looks like a little boy again. When I got home, I walked up to him and lightly smacked the back of his head and said "Swat". I have no idea what that means. My dad used to do it to me and my brothers. As kids, whenever we would get a haircut my dad would "Swat" us. We couldn't wait to tell him we got a haircut so he would "Swat" us. He would just smack the back of your head, not hard or anything and flick his wrist and say "SWAT". We would say to each other " Did you get Swats?". Again, I have no idea, what the hell it means, but it was fun to Swat Max.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

It's All Fun and Games Until...

Yesterday we took Max to the park. Lauren went running and left Max in the trusting care of his father. I took Max to the swing set. He loves to swing. I do not think there is a happier spot for him than the swing in a crowded playground. He probably would sit there all day if we let him. The lady next to us, who was wearing red, was nice and said hello. She was pushing a little girl about two years old. She asked me how old Max was. I said 13 months (which I hate the whole month/age thing but it is better than saying 1 and 1/12th). She said, “Wow he sure is big.” We get that a lot because Max, apparently, is big for his age. So I respond with, “Yea he is. We can’t wait for the circus to come to town so we enter him into the freak show”. I said it with a smile. I was trying to be funny. The nice lady in red just kind of looked at me and took her little girl out of the swing and said “Heh?…Good Night”.

After 15 minutes of swinging it was time to stop. Max through a fit. Screaming and yelling. I kept nervously looking over my shoulder like the cops were going to come and arrest me because of, as my mother would put it, “ screaming bloody murder”. After I calmed him down we went over to the big primary colored jungle gym/sliding board area. The ground was a rubbery type of mat so I decided to let Max crawl around and try to walk a little bit. He was, of course, interested in picking up leaves and rocks and stuff. Every time he picked up a leaf or small debris I grabbed it from him so he wouldn’t eat it. He would whine a bit, but then find something different to grab. Max then grabbed a stick. A good size stick that he could not choke on. So I let him play with it. There we are in the middle of the jungle gym play set thing, kids running all around and Max wants to play with a stick. He got a little excited and started swinging it. Just as the lady in red walks past, Max pokes himself in the eye with the stick. He cut himself on the lower eyelid. He started bleeding. The lady in red just kind of shook her head as if to say, “ that kid does not stand a chance.”

Monday, April 11, 2005

What's in a Name

Many people ask about Max’s name. Why MaxFIELD as opposed to MaxWELL or MaxMILLIAN? I usually explain that Maxfield is named after, or I should say, his name was inspired by, Maxfield Parrish, the great American artist form the early 1900's. Lauren and I wanted to name him after someone we admired and who Max could aspire to be like. For instance if you were a fan of the “Dukes of Hazard” you may name your kid Luke or BO, because you wanted to inspire your children to be, like the song says,” just good ‘ol boys”. So Maxfield is named for an artist. One of his paintings is posted here.

The Reluctant Dragon, Maxfield Parrish. Posted by Hello

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Gas at the DMV

Max and I went to church this morning. He was well behaved, except he wanted to dance every time they played a song. Every time the lady sang I would say to Max, “ What did she do with the money?” He is not old enough to get it. Hell, he is not old enough to understand English. Anyway the singers at the church are really bad.

Lauren went to get her drivers license on Friday. She brought Maxfield of course. After about a 30 minute wait she finally gets called to the counter. Now at the DMV they have these curtain type things for privacy between each counter area. The DMV Lady calls Lauren up and tells her wait a minute “I’ll be right back”. So Lauren and Max are right “behind” the curtain. A long line of people waiting their turn are a few feet away. What does Max do? He farts! Really loud and long. Lauren was laughing when she told me the story, because she was afraid the people in line would have thought it was her. Max does have a great sense of humor.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Lots of Pee. Posted by Hello

Friday, April 08, 2005

Location, Location, Location.

One of the things that I find fascinating in central Florida are the shopping centers. There are tons of them. Some are huge like the Waterford Lakes Shopping Center. Some are small with just a few stores. Most look brand new. The people down here call them malls. To me a mall is covered. All the stores are inside a structure. But since the weather is usually nice (it is the sunshine state after all) most of the shopping centers are open and outdoors. A strip mall is a good term for them. But the most interesting thing about the shopping centers down here is that there are medical facilities in almost every one. Like the Waterford Lakes shopping center has a dentist office and a pediatrics office in the middle of it. You can go to Target, Pets-Plus, get some shoes from Skechers and have your children vaccinated all in one convenient location. I think this is weird and funny. Until I saw this shopping center, which is not far from where we live. I posted the picture. The yellow sign...Is this right to have in a shopping center?

What are they serving at the Polish Restaurant? Posted by Hello

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Moron Lynch

You would think that the company that just loaned you money to buy a house would actually have the correct address of the house you are buying, in which to send a payment book. Ever since we decided to go with Merrill Lynch for our mortgage they have screwed up enormously. The latest is Lauren called to find out if the payment book has been mailed because she wants to make payments. Where did they send it? To the house in Pennsylvania. Which we do not own anymore. Which we had to sell to get the mortgage in Florida. Can we fix the problem over the phone? No! Of course not. We have to fill out paperwork, which we did when we applied for the loan, and MAIL it to them. What morons. They better take 37 cents off our next payment.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Loves to Swing.  Posted by Hello

Wiggle/Bugaloo Debate

I am trying to find a suitable show for Max to watch. He of course likes Elmo’s World and Dr. Phil but I have yet to see something that totally keeps his interest. We watched the Wiggles the other day. I did not quite get it and Max only seemed interested for a few minutes at best. What the heck are the Wiggles? They remind me of the Bugaloos. But at least the Bugaloos were bugs. They had wings and could sing. Yea their nemisis lived in a giant Jukebox but at least they had an enemy. Do the Wiggles have any enemies? I really do not feel like watching it to find out. Especially since Max is more fascinated with Dr. Phil. Come to think of it Dr. Phil doesn't have enemies on his show either.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005


1. Hell hath no fury like a sleeping baby who just lost their pacifier in the middle of the night.
2. Diarrhea is not as bad (smelling or looks) as diarrhea with bits of corn in it.
3. A teething kid likes to bite.
4. 4 hours of straight sleep is a GOOD thing.
5. Slobber, spit and snot taste a lot alike.

Max is starting to get his second batch of teeth. So basically he is teething again and he is going through the low grade fever, loose stool, really irritable,
slobber, biting thing that he just got over a month ago. The need to make a prescription for this.

Good Customer Service

Lauren, Max and myself went to Publix (supermarket) tonight to pick up a few things. While we were checking out the cashier and the bagger (they have baggers down here in Florida. I have yet to bag my own groceries. It is amazing. They also offer to help carry your bags to you car, they know customer service in the south), anyway, the two ladies said to Lauren “Oh look how cute he is”. MY response was “Well thank you. What do you think of the baby?” This has been my response every time anyone has ever said that. Usually I get s snicker or a look. These two ladies….nothing. I am officially retiring that line. I know Lauren is very happy about it.

Lauren tried to call Dish Network earlier because we were having problems with the satellite. Did you know that the phone # for Dish Network is 1 digit off from a sex chat line? Lauren thought it was hilarious that when she dialed a recording came on and said,“Do you want to talk to the hottest, sexiest women?”. She hung up, redialed, and got Dish Network. I think the first line is better for customer service.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

What? Did I break something? Posted by Hello

The Gait of Chaos

Max has started walking. Officially. Not just the 1 or 2 steps. Like 5 or 6 at a time before he carshes to the floor. And he gets right back up and tries again. Well not really. Lauren and I pick him up and he tries again. Now we are so paranoid of him falling and crashing into the tile floor or the firplace we are trying to figure what is the best way to foam pad the entire place. The look on Max's face is awesome when he walks. He is so confident and determined and his walk is so unsteady and jerky that the face and legs do not match. He looks like a litte drunk man. Time to sign him up for T-ball yet?

Friday, April 01, 2005

Max the Cat

We have been waiting for Max to say his first words since the time he was born. Sure he makes sounds all of the time. He speaks fluent Infantese. He says things like da-da and nananannaaaa as well as other noises. But I honestly think, his first word was taught to him by Bogart, our cat. Bogart, who is over weight, is on week 4 of the Catkins diet. He is constantly whining and crying to get more food. He usually goes 10 minutes of constant meowing before he either gets fed or gives up. Maxfield has now mastered the word. MEOW. Not really the word but the sound Bogart makes. It usually goes like this.

Bogart: Meeeroowwww
Max: Meerooowww
Bogart: Mowwwwww
Max: Mowwwwww
Bogart: Mrrowwww
Max: Mrrowwww

At this time Lauren and I usually join in because it is too funny as well as too cute. So the four of us sit at the kitchen table and Meow for ten minutes. Max then realizes he is doing something funny and starts to clap hands. Clap hands usually ends the cat wailing session. I am sure our new neighbors think we are nuts.