Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Red Handed

I should have seen it coming. It's one of those things that I knew was happening but for some reason I turned a blind eye to it. The signs were the typical, obvious signs that one would see on television shows like Dr. Phil or Oprah.

1. Longer than usual time spent on the computer
2. Strange phone numbers appearing on the bill
3. Easily distracted
4. Frequent trips to the store "Because I need something"
5. Unexplained receipts and charges in the bank account
6. Late nights away from the family
7. Feelings of guilt
8. An unexplained "glow" or happiness

The list goes on and on. I feel somewhat foolish for not seeing them early enough. I don't think the kids are affected and if they are they have adapted well. I am still trying to wrap my brain around it. I know it is not my fault but I am sure I hold some of the blame. I keep asking myself "Could I have done more to prevent this? What needs of hers am I not fulfilling."

Lauren is having an affair.

I am not sure when it started exactly but I do know that it has become more intense over this past summer. With vacations and day trips and other obligations I thought the whole thing would go away. I was wrong. That somehow she would lose interest. She didn't.

Like I said, I kind of knew it was happening all along but the whole affair was confirmed one evening when I cam home from work a bit early. The kids were watching TV in the Family Room with no sign of their mother around. I walked into the kitchen and just as I called out to Lauren I saw her wedding rings sitting on the window sill. I heard her rustling around in the dining room covering stuff up.

I popped my head in and I caught her red handed.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

She held up her hands which were stained with various hues of pink, green, white and mostly red.

"I'm doing Art." She said and she smiled at me.

Art. Lauren met Art a long time ago, most likely when she was a kid. She always liked Art all the way through high school. When Lauren went into to college she did so for Art. Four years of her and Art. Lauren even went to Italy so she could better understand Art. After college, though, Art changed. Art went more in the direction of computers and Lauren was more of a traditional girl. They kind of parted ways. That was the time I met Lauren. She told me all about Art but I was pretty confident that her past relationship would not affect us.

Lauren and I fell in love, got married and now have a family. Some time last year Art started poking around again. I did not think much of it. Lauren got reacquainted with Art through websites like Etsy and Flickr (those sites promote infidelity I tell you.) 1.She was spending more time on the computer. 2.Lauren started calling around to various shows and places where she could see Art. 3. She got distracted by Art. 4. She would go out to various stores because she needed stuff for Art. 5. I would see receipts for Michael's and AC Moore. 6. Since late June Lauren has been spending at least three nights a week doing Art. 7. She feels guilty about her time away from the kids and how much more I have been doing. 8. She seems happier doing Art.
Art is lucky.

This coming weekend, Lauren will be having a fling with Art. She will showing and selling Art at the Doylestown Art Festival. If you are in the area stop by and tell Lauren what a hussy she is.

To save my brother Anonymous the effort of havng to comment- Yes Lauren likes her Art, well, hung.

Question--When a man has an affair with a woman, the other woman is called a mistress. When a woman has an affair what is the other man called? Mister-ess?

Check out what Lauren is doing at Gigglepotamus.


Susie said...

She spends at least three nights a week doing Art? Do you demand equal time?

Anonymous said...

I just picture Lauren at the pottery wheel (From Ghost). the Ritcheous Brothers are singing... except you are in the corner watching.

eclectic said...

You call him the misterd, only I'd spell it -turd.

SciFi Dad said...

I think you've missed an opportunity. If she feels guilty for doing Art three times a week and she's not even MARRIED to Art, you could easily leverage that guilt into her doing Bill four times a week.

Karen (formerly kcinnova) said...

I called mine Hobby, which is sort of like saying Other Hubby, now that I think about it. I miss those weekends away!
It's much worse now that there is another Hobby. My hubby nicknamed this one my "Habitat" and he is VERY jealous. (My hubby, not the habitat.)

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad Art is back in her life. He suits her well. She and He are fantastic together! They produce such joy and peace and pleasantries to the eye. I will be away and miss the Duo together in Doylestown. Woe is me! Happy for you Lauren! William, suck it up, or join the Duo. The Dynamic Duo can become the Terrific Trio! :)

James said...

If you can't both do Art and enjoy a threesome, then maybe it's time for you to have a three day a week affair of your own.

Perhaps poke her.

for a different kind of girl said...

It's good you can have such an open relationship. This post introduced me to Smirk, and I think I love Smirk!

Unknown said...

Y'all are silly.

James (SeattleDad) said...

That Art has a lot of nerve! I can introduce you to an Alaskan named Amber, if you need a shoulder to cry on.

Anonymous said...

William, You are hillariouis...

Anonymous said...

Maybe if your "Little Willy" wasn't so little, Lauren wouldn't be doing the "Big Art Project" with such enthusiasm. I think maybe you should volunteer to pose nude for her and see if she likes you more than Art. Remember Andrew Wyeth had Helga.

Unknown said...

This post must be hung in every woman's den of iniquity as a reminder. Lauren made a few fatal mistakes. 1. Always write a check and put "groceries" in the notes column. 2. Leave packages in trunk of car until husband is occupied with tv remote. 3. Always tell husband the advantages of using the half-price Michael's coupon on one of the eight full priced items you purchased. 4. Always love on a husband that is happy when you are happy! E

Unknown said...

Hey! I do Art!

That two-timer...

kimmyk said...

I would so do Art if I could, but I have not a creative bone in my body. Just ask Jamie he'll tell you....*cough*

Melinda said...

I hide fabric purchases.

Sue said...

Question--When a man has an affair with a woman, the other woman is called a mistress. When a woman has an affair what is the other man called? Mister-ess?

The other man is called "lucky"