Monday, October 19, 2009


Lauren and I (mostly Lauren) are in the middle of Begatting our living room. We (she) are doing it in stages. We tore up the carpet to find beautiful hardwood floors which begat taking out the old base molding which will begat adding new molding etc, etc. We hope to make some "built-in" bookshelves and create a new computer/office space.

In preparation for the project the whole family went to Lowe's to pick up supplies. The first ten or so minutes went well until the kids started getting antsy. Lauren and I agreed that I would find ways to entertain the kids while she finished the shopping. The kids became even more rambunctious. Max wanted to ride in the cart which begat Wyatt wanting to ride in the cart. There was not enough room for both so I told Max he had to walk which begat him crying and having a temper tantrum which begat Wyatt having an attitude and causing both kids to argue with each other which begat me to become extremely agitated.

I decided to take the kids to see the Christmas decorations in Lowe's (yep Christmas decorations in early October) hoping that that would make everyone happy. As we passed the paint aisle I saw Lauren at the other end talking to the Paint Guy. He was all smiley and flirty with Lauren. I called down to Lauren to let he know I was going to the decorations. It took me five or six tries to get her attention. When she finally looked up I told her where to meet us in the store.

The Christmas decorations turned out to put everyone in a worse mood because Max told me he wanted the new Geo-Trax Timbertown Railway for Christmas which begat Wyatt saying he wanted the new Geo-Trax Timbertown Railway, which begat Max telling Wyatt he could not ask for the same thing, which begat a battle of "yes-I-can-No-you-can't". Anyone familiar with YIC-NYC battle knows that the volume gradually increases 10 decibels with each volley. When the kids hit about 120 dB I had had enough and hurried them to the front door where Lauren was finished making her purchases and we left.

Both kids were upset that we did not see all of the decorations and they started to whine and cry. Lauren and I did our best to ignore them as we drove away. Lauren could tell my nerves were shot. She had to raise her voice over the volume of the crying in the back of the mini-van to ask me what happened

While you were flirting with the Paint Guy, these two" I said pointing to the back seat and loud enough for her to hear me, "decided to throw fits.

I then announced that because of their behavior we were going home and not to the toy store like we originally planned. The boys cried louder. We tried to ignore them.

"I was not flirting with the Paint Guy." Lauren yelled back over the noise of the boys. She rolled her eyes

"Well he was flirting with you." I hollered back

"No he wasn't"

"Yes he was. With his short sleeved maroon apron showing off his tatooed bi-ceps. He was flirting

"Oh my gosh." Lauren yelled tyring to over power the sound of the crying. "I can't believe you are jealous of the Paint Guy

"I am." I shouted back.

"You are? Really? " Lauren asked.

"Yes. I am jealous that he is back in the store and I am sitting here listening to these kids screaming."


Anonymous said...

Art the paint guy?

Anonymous said...

I like Jealous again from the Black Crows.

Unknown said...


"Lauren and I did our best to ignore them as we drove away."

For a second there, I thought you left the kids at the store. :D

Vajana said...

well you were in Lowe's so he probably wasn't flirting, but if you'd said Home Depot, well, that guy is known to be a player.

The Paint Guy said...

If you breastfed your kids, this sort of thing wouldn't happen to you.

eclectic said...

The tactical error was in shopping at a home improvement store that is NOT conveniently located next to an ice cream shop. Everyone knows that the parent who draws the short straw at the home store takes the kids over to the ice cream store while the lucky parent shops alone. Which also averts the jealous-of-flirty paint-guy debacle by preventing the kids' meltdown in the first place.

Never be afraid to ask advice from more experienced parents and homeowners, Bill.


Unknown said...

Lauren obviously does not understand the definition of flirting :) We got the GeoTrax Timbertown railway for Nate's birthday, although with about a hundred other GeoTrax things, and my husband says no GeoTrax for Xmas. I'm not sure why, the stuff entertains my kids for hours on end, until engines start flying at heads. :)

James (SeattleDad) said...

Damn you Paint Guy, Damn you all to Hell!

And I will see you there. You can help with my flooring.

James said...

I think I'm going to have to steal "begat." Our house is in the middle of an epic begatting since we're trying to sell our house. Which makes so much sense. I hope the new owners are grateful for all our begatting.

Melinda said...

Store shopping brings out the worse in kids and dads.

I think Lauren can pull way better than the paint guy.

Anonymous said...

William, next time stay home with the boys. Lauren is in charge of decorating! Let her go and make the decisions on paint and trim, etc. You obviously cannot handle these things. Bet LAuren could have taken care of it all....boys and paint and the paint guy.. all within a half hour. Dad took five of you to the grocery store at one time. .he never complained. He gave everybody a job to do. You could have played games with them,etc. You are such a whiner!!!:)

Unknown said...

Hi William, Too embarrassed to visit. Do you know how much I've missed your wonderful writing? Infinity X Infinity! E

Anonymous said...

Mom's are great.

maria from nj said...

Who begat the (beautiful) screamers? Not the paint guy! (Well, we hope not!)

Creative-Type Dad said...

That paint guy must sell a lot of paint.

dw said...

This is only funny because I've been experiencing the same type of stuff recently. Thanks for being real, & therefore funny!

dw said...

Oh, & to The Paint Guy who commented, you are wrong. I've breastfed both my kids, my youngest is still going strong at 3.5 years, & as I stated in my previous comment, this kind of thing happens to me all. the. time. Maybe you should have said, if you had been a perfect parent this sort of thing wouldn't happen to you. ;)

Karen (formerly kcinnova) said...

Begatting is always more difficult when the kids are there with you.