Down at the DMV (yea you know me)

I am an official Florida resident now. This morning I went to get my Florida drivers license. It took an hour. 1 Hour. Which is amazing, because in PA when you just have to renew your license it takes at least three hours. Anyway the people at the DMV were normal. Not retired part timers. Not people with disabilities. Normal. I am all for people with disabilities working. I think it is great that the PA D.O.T. hires people like that, but in Florida normal people. So I go up to the lady behind the counter. She asks for all of my important ID. PA state driver license, birth certificate and what not. She is typing away on the computer and I say something like “Is this going to be complicated?” She shakes her head and then gives me the vision test. She then starts asking a bunch of questions like “Have you ever had your License suspended or revoked?”, “Have you ever been treated for alcohol or drug abuse?”, “Have you ever been convicted of a felon?” I of course answer “No” to all the questions. Then she says something. I thought it was another question. And I was shocked at the question. I thought she said “Have you ever had Syphilis?” In my mind I was like what does that have to do with Driving in the state of Florida. So I said, “Uhhh, excuse me?” The woman said. “That was simple, wasn’t it?”
Which when said really fast sounds like “have you ever had syphilis”. So then I started humming the song to the Valtrex commercial “It’s a brand new day”. Which got me to thinking. In that commercial it makes it look like if you have a break out of herpes you can’t go canoeing, hiking or on a picnic. Herpes even prevents you from flying a kite. Next time the commercial comes on, look at it. You’ll know what I mean.

Blue Herring.Heron. Whatever. 

First Blood

This morning, Max the Destroyer, was at it again. He woke up several times during the night, making Lauren and myself zombies by 6am, when we normally start the day. I made a pot of decaf coffee. That’s right decaf. Why decaf? Well you see we bought decaf for when Lauren’s parents were visiting. That’s what they would normally drink. But they and we ended up drinking all the regular coffee. All we had left was decaf. So the Zombie feeling got worse. Anyway, after feeding Maxfield his normal toast and fruit breakfast we let him roam around. He is very efficient at pulling himself up on things. Like the kitchen table. Where there are placemats. With glasses filled with orange juice on them. Sure enough he grabs the edge of the placemat that is hanging over the edge and…CRASH. Broken glass, all over the place. Max of course starts crying. Wailing really. He was scared as well as the fact that he cut his foot. Blood was oozing from his foot. Now we have never seen him bleed before. Maybe once when he bit is lip. But this was an injury. It was too hard to tell how many cuts he had as well as where they were? He was screaming and shrieking. It is amazing how as a parent you fell absolutely helpless and awful when your kid is hurt. So as I am staring at his bloody foot trying to quiet him Lauren suggests we run water over it. We put him in the kitchen sink (where there is other glasses for him to break) and turn on the water. Shrieking stopped. Max was all like, “You mean water comes from here also. Cool. I thought it only came out of the silver thing in the tub. I can splash here also. Awesome.” It was like nothing ever happened. He had the smallest cut between the toe that “stays home” and the toe that “has roast beef”.
So we learned a couple of things this morning.
1.Don’t put glasses on the placemats.
2. Running water can soothe a 1 year old.
3. Max being hurt can wake you up much better than coffee. Not that I recommend it.

Farting is Funny, Genetically Speaking

Maxfield farted this morning, he farts all the time, but this morning he farted loud. I was surprised. He then started laughing. It made me think, is farting genetically linked to sense of humor. I know a lot of little kids that fart and think it is funny. Who taught Max it is funny to fart. I know Lauren didn’t. She never laughs when I fart. So is there a gene that makes it funny when farting occurs? Is it a recessive or dominant gene?

And the Award for Worst Parents goes to...

Lauren and I locked in the spot for the worst parents of the year award. Yesterday we went to Disney's Animal Kingdom with Max and Lauren's Parents. Paid $65.00 a person to get in. We were in for like 15 minutes when it started pouring. Nasty stuff. Not wanting to lose the $65 we decided to try and wait it out. With Max. Who is ONE. In the rain. That is not even the worst part. We actually forgot to pack him Lunch. We forgot to pack him an extra bottle. We forgot to pack him an extra change of clothes. We had an umbrella. Thank goodness, because as soon as we opened it, Max wanted it. He wanted to wrestle it from our grasp, with no care whose eyes he poked out in the process. There were many people in line for the Bugs Life Show, who were trying hard not to get a spoke in the face. So thank god for the umbrella.

So I decided Max was not going to wait in line anymore. I took him to go find the stroller (there was nice man who worked for Animal Kingdom who was keeping an eye on it while we stood in line). I left the umbrella with Luaren and the In laws. Then, the monsoon hit. The worst rain I have seen in Flordia. Max and I were soaked. It started to get windy and cold. Max and I took cover in a shop where I bought a Mickey beach Towel and wrapped Max in it. There we were. Cold, wet, hungry. Me, the dad with only Pepperidge Farm goldfish to feed my seriously drenched son. I gave him some. He ate a few and then decided it was more important to feed the stuffed Simba's we were standing next to. We waited for Laurn and her folks got done the show. It was like 30 minutes. Me. Max. And a dry, fluffy and well fed stuffed animal.

Max looks like a senior cititzen here. 

Yeehaw! Y'all

I am starting to become a southerner. Lauren asked that I stop by the store on my way home form work to pick up some cheese for dinner**. The most convenient place was Winn Dixie. I shopped at Winn Dixie. Unbelievable. I may buy a pick-up and put a gun rack on it.

Maxfield was in his high chair the other morning and he loves when people sneeze. He then imitates a sneeze. It is really cute. While I was playing the sneeze game, I was doing the pre sneeze sound effect, “Ahhh…..Ahhh….Ahhh.” While doing this of course my mouth was open. Don’t you know it, Max sneezes for real and I got a mouthful of Snot.



** we had home made pizza for dinner not just cheese.

The In-Laws are coming....

Today Lauren's parents come for a visit. So the past few days we have been trying to clean and get things fixed around the house. Now I do not know if it is because I actually went to church the other day but I do believe there has been divine intervention when it comes to the projects in my house.

Usually a simple project like putting together a table or fixing the thingamabob that stops water from draining out of the tub would be like 10 to 15 minute jobs. My history these simple tasks would turn into hour long curse fests with me throwing tools. But the last three "honeydo" jobs all took the standard "I took the big bus to school" 15 minutes. Not one m@!her-f%@#ker** escaped my lips. One of the jobs was to install a cat door. I actually used a saw and a drill and there were no problems.

Something strange is happening at my house.







** the actual word I would use would be mother fucker.

Undisputed Champion Max. 

St. Peter's Big Screen TV

We went to church this morning. I know some of my brothers are laughing right now but it is true. I swear to ....well you know what I mean. We went to our new church in Florida. The Church of St. Peter and Paul. Guess what. It's got FAN-A-Vision. No Lie. 2 Giant screen TV's are in the church. They DO NOT replay what just happened on the alter.(Although that would be cool). But it is more like Slide's or a powerpoint presenteation of what is going on. Like one slide said "The reading from the book of such and such". It also acted like a giant kareoke screen for the hymns. JC's Kareoke. Pretty cool. It also had all the words of today's Gospel on it. So the people could follow along. So the church I go to has Fan-a-vision. I just hope I am on the home teams side when I sit down and not on the away team's bench, or Pew, Or whatever.

MAX and Cheese 

Earning Their Keep

Finally. We've had Bogart the cat for 5 years. Winnie the cat for 4 years. Luna the Dog for 2 and half years. Finally they have started to earn their keep. After paying all kinds of Vet bills and driving "Noahs Ark" (well more like Noah's Ford Explorer)down to Florida. Finally they have done some good.

2 dead lizard's in the house in 2 days. I don't know which animal did it, but I am happy. These lizards are everywhere and now they are entering my house. Both Cats are IN DOOR cats so it is not like they hunted these things outside and brought home trophies. I am actually suprised that one of the animals caught somthing since they are all currently on diets. Especially the cats. We have them on CATKINS diet. No lie. It is like Adkins for felines. Our Vet said we nned to feed them more protein and less starches and stuff.
I took pictures of one of the recently deceased but thought it too gross to publish here.
In child raising news.... We took Max to visit his new pediatrician. Lauren asked good questions. I asked some good questions.
My best statement to the Doctor (who was not quite sure how to take me):

DR. R: Wow he has his father's eyes.
ME: Yea now only if we can figure out who the mother is.

The Doc. then told us a story about genetics not getting the joke.

Best Question. After a barrage of questions about medical school, the practice's other doctors and local type stuff (good hospitals and what not).

DR.R:.......and Arnold Palmer Hospital is where I would go.
ME: Do you watch and like the T.v. show Scrubs?

Scrubs is one of the funniest shows on t.v. It is a Sit/Com about doctors. Lauren got me hooked about a year ago. It is a funny show. DR. R only thought it was funny for the first two seasons. We like Dr. R. but we need to work on her sense of humor.

This grows on a tree in my backyard 

Arborvitea On Wheat.

I was telling my brother John how I eat a grapefruit from my tree every morning (see picture) Ya know since I live in Florida and what not. This is the email he sent me.

"Bill,
Listen, this morning I woke up and went down stairs for breakfast. I poured a cup of coffee ( 2 sugars) and went outside on my back yard bench. I quickly ran bac inside and grabbed my coat, my hat, and a pair of mittens. Anyway, I wanted to be able to eat something growing from one of my trees, cause you inspired me to do so. So I went over to my arborvitea, and peeled off some bark. I made a bark sandwich. It was a bark and cheese on wheat. It was a rough sandwich, and a little sappy, but better than your friggin grape fruit."


He totally cracks me up.

Super Genius

While Max was eating his Mac and Cheese he started to feed the dog (he actually started to feed the dog a few months ago but I mean tonite, at dinner). I try to scold the dog. She wouldn't listen. So I started to tell him "No". At first I said it like I was just playing with him. Then I started to get louder. After a few drill sergeant "No"s I realized he has no idea what the word means. Out of frustration I said "Nyet". Which I believe is Russian for no. Max stopped feeding the dog.
My son knows Russian.

Prodigy.

This is what greets us most days at the door in Florida.  

Shitilly

Shitilly. It is a new word that Lauren made up in response to my question "How did the people from Ashley (a furniture store) treat you?" "Shitilly". I like it. We ordered furniture from Ashley Furniture, the delivery guy was rude to Lauren she tipped him anyway. They left. At about 9:30 last night we discovered that they did not put the bed together correctly. We could not sleep on it. We slept on the floor. How did I sleep? Shitilly.

Your Whoreness. Another word we made up to describe, well basically anyone that gets on our nerves but more so those people that take are money and then screw us over. Whore -ess works as well. They both inherit the whoredom. One inherits geneticall, the other it is willed to.

Maxfield is an addict. He is addicted to the swing at the park. It is like he can't get enough of it. He could swing for hours. When you try to take him out of the swing he screams this ungodly banshee type wail, he arches his back and his head drops to the side. Thank god the withdrawl symtoms end relativley quickly.

My sister, Sharon, had a baby this past week. Her first. Valera Rae Monaco. My Parents 19th grandchild. She was the last of the 9 children to have a kid. Now each of us has at least one. That is 19 kids that may one day have to take a bike test before they can ride in the street.

Under the High Chair

We went out to eat for Lauren's B-day (31). Red Lobster. Lauren was craving crab legs. With no baby sitters for the foreseeable future we take Max. Maxfield has the whole "going out to dinner thing" down pat. He flirts with the waitresses, he gets to eat something new and different and he gets to leave a mess for someone else to clean up. Lauren and I ususally argue over this fact. The mountain of fries, broccoli, carrots, cherrios and torn kids place mats left under his high chair is sometimes embarrassing. I always feel the need to clean up the floor because , well , because. Lauren says we should just leave a bigger tip because she does not want to see me crawling under a booth during dessert. We go back and forth. Tonight I took the Bissel broom and swept. And swept. And swept. And swept. And then left a bigger tip. Max eats like the Cookie Monster. A lot of noise a lot of motion but nothing makes it into his mouth.

Max learning to use the cell phone.  

Missing days

I have not posted for about 2 weeks due to the fact that I have been moving from PA to FL. 1017 miles. It has been quite and experience trying to get down here. I plan to post a big diary of the whole trip in one postinf and hopefully that will catch up to the current date. In Case I forget Do not ever do business with Merrill Lynch for a mortgage. More on that later. In the mean time, I hope all is well in PA.