Edible

The whole thing started off innocent enough. Lauren, my lovely wife, in an effort to improve her running times and become more fit read a book call Brain Training For Runners. The book covers the mental aspects of training your body. Every few days Lauren would tell me about her discoveries in the book and how she implemented them into her work outs. I admit most were fascinating, but not enough for me to actually try. I believe somewhere in that book it mentioned that certain kind of foods increase the body's and brain's ability to function as an athlete.

This lead Lauren down a path of reading books about nutrition for athletes. Every so often she would tell me about certain foods she was trying. I started noticing a few different types of food containers in the pantry or fridge. Again fascinating discoveries about food that I never implemented into my routines.

Somewhere in the food book Lauren read about the book called the China Study and the documentary film Forks Over Knives which she of course got both from the library. Lauren discovered all kinds of great information in both sources. The overall message was one can reduce chronic illness and diseases and enhance their overall health by adopting a whole foods plant based diet and reducing the intake of processed foods. As Lauren started adopting these changes into our household I noticed Lauren was preparing our family meals a bit different. We were eating more salads, fruits, vegetables and whole grains. I, again, was noticing different types of food packages and containers in our pantry. Labels that read quinoa, tofu and soy were replacing certain staples of Lauren's cooking repertoire.

Lauren and I discussed our diets. Unlike the other discoveries I felt changing our diet was something in which I could participate. We both agreed that we were not eliminating all meat or processed foods but that we would be more conscientious of food labels. We would try to buy products that listed "true" ingredients with no artificial additives or fillers. All of the changes we were making were gradual.

The other night, after everyone was in bed, I had a hankering for snack. Earlier I spotted a few packages of hot dogs crammed in the freezer and I knew that one or two dogs would satisfy my craving. I noticed that the packaging was different than the usual hot dogs we buy and I thought that Lauren must have bought a "healthier" hot dog (if there is such a thing). I took a closer look at the label and did a double take.

This is what I saw.

I thought Lauren was taking the healthy eating true ingredients thing a bit too far.

I had three anus dogs that night. They were yummy.

Batteries

I like Batteries. I like them of all sizes but I prefer C Batteries and 9 Volt batteries. You know what you are getting with these. They have their functional uses but are also designed for more fun equipment. They usually fit perfectly, with the round nub like terminals facing the same way (not all flip floppy back and forth + to - needing six to get the job done, like Double and Triple As). The C and 9 Volt batteries do not need springs to keep them in place They are easier to store and have a good heft to them. What can I say, I have a preference.


When I was younger and less mature I used to equate bra sizes to batteries well, actually the size of what was int he bra. D-cell batteries, the largest of  common household batteries, used to power large flashlights, mega-phones and large radios, were equivalent as a D Cup bra. C-cell batteries, the next size down, the most versatile and widely used batteries for fun things like remote control cars, toy trucks and other cool toys were equal to a C Cup. There is no B size battery so I called the B Cup a 9-Volt. 9 Volt batteries are most commonly used for smoke detectors, Walkie-Talkies and RC controllers. The 9Volt was fun but also had a practical side.  Of course the smallest of the common batteries are the AA (double A) and AAA (triple A) batteries which are used in cameras, small electronics, TV remote controls and min-flashlights. Nothing great but they got the job done.

Now read the first paragraph again.

Since the beginning the of the year my wife and I have been making a concerted effort to exercise, eat better, and lose weight. As of this posting Lauren has lost over 20 lbs and I am down 14. I do not think Lauren was ever in a position that she needed to lose any weight but I support her decision to get trimmer and more fit. Not only does Lauren run 40 miles or so a week but she also does weight lifting. She looks great. The best part of her look is the smile she wears from the confidence she now has now that she is more comfortable in her body. A side effect of the weight loss though has been she has not been able to determine where on her body she is losing weight. Let me just say, when I met her, before kids, she was the power of a toy truck. Now she powers digital cameras.

 MYy workouts have only consist of running. I have lost weight in my legs, belly and hips. But since I do not do any weight training the upper part of my body is looking rather large and flabby. I ran a 10 mile race last weekend where professional photographers were shooting pics of runners for purchase. The day after the race I went to the photography website to check out if I was in any of the pictures. I was horrified at what I saw. The combination of the light rain and sweat made my shirt stick to my chest. Let's say I could power a boom box.

I need to figure out a way to support my Man-Batteries.

To the Rescue

Some of the following story may be embellished just a bit.

You know the saying "the camera adds 10 pounds",  I believe there should be an addition to that stating pictures posted to Facebook add another ten.

In an effort to lose two of the three chins I have, I decided to make a concerted effort to lose 18 pounds. That is 9 pounds a chin. The best way to lose weight is a combination of diet and exercise.

Almost every day, I take my lunch hour and run between 3 and 5 miles at very nice township park close to my office. The park has various paths of different distances that circle, cut through, criss-cross and interweave the playground, soccer fields, pavilions and small preserved wooded and grass nature areas. The largest paved path circles the perimeter of the 100 acre park with a lap distance of 1.2 miles.

I think I recently posted about how I have been running with Vibram Five Finger Shoes which causes a few stares and a few questions from other people at the park.

On very cold days I also wear a Balaclava , long dark parts and a long sleeved dark running shirt. Some days I look like a ninja with iPod wires dangling out of my neck.

About a month ago I went on my lunch time run on a very cold but sunny say. I was making great time with my first mile at an 8:15 pace. I ran past the main pavilion and started to make the first turn that headed towards the nature areas. About 10 yards ahead of me I noticed a big bunch of keys in the middle of the path. Without missing a step and keeping pace I gracefully swept up the keys in my right hand. I knew someone would be in desperate need of these keys. I figured I would get back to the parking lot and see if anyone was missing keys. Or I could hit the panic button on the key fab setting off the alarm and wait to see who would claim the large heavy key filled ring. It was cold day so the park was not that crowded.

I made the second turn on the outer path which tucks behind some tall grasses and clusters of trees. This part of the track also dips down off of a small knoll for about 150 yards. This is only part of the track that is not visible from the main park. I looked up ahead and noticed a blond woman, about 50 years old, walking towards me. She had a worried look on her red face. Her hand was placed across her upper chest and she was clearly out of breath. I held up the keys and yelled, "DID YOU LOSE YOUR KEYS?"

She nodded.  A faint look of relief replaced the wrinkles on her face. As I ran closer I realized that the woman was Marion from my office.

I slowed down and handed her the keys. I started to run in place.

"DO YOU WANT TO RUN TOGETHER?"

She shook her head and gave me a perturbed look.

"C'MON, LET'S GO. YOU CAME OUT HERE TO RUN, RIGHT?"

I nudged her elbow and made her turn in the direction I was heading. She resisted. Her eyes went wide. I gave her a funny look and realized that since I had my Balaclava on she did not recognize me. This is what she saw.

I quickly removed the mask. Her look went from worried to perplexed to embarrassed.

"C'MON LET'S RUN. WE'LL FINISH UP OVER BY," I turned down the volume on my ipod, " THE PARking lot."

She turned and started to jog with me. We ran about fifty yards when she started to cough and wheeze. She sounded horrible. Red blotches bloomed from her cheeks and tears filled her eyes.

"I can't do this." She rasped, sounding like an old lady who had smoked for 60 years. She stumbled.

With lightning like reflexes I reached out and steadied her preventing her from falling. I slowed down and asked if she was okay.

"I...can't...breath." She choked out.

We were at the point on the path that was the furthest away from the parking lot. I stopped running.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Marion explained, between huffing and puffing, that she too was running on the path but was overcome with an asthma attack. She started towards her car when she realized she lost her keys. She had to backtrack to find them. She then started to panic because she was alone, couldn't breath, she was the furthest point away from he car, and was in a spot where no one could see her if she passed out. She was happy to see me with her keys but did not know who I was. Besides the balaclava, the tighter running shirt and pants and my muscular physique must have thrown her off. When she discovered it was someone she knew she was embarrassed.

I escorted her across the fields and made sure she made it back to the office.

Basically, as I like to tell her almost everyday, I saved her life. I was like a superhero, mask and all.





I have tried a few different websites to monitor my diet. The two I liked best were SlimKicker and Lose It. My wife Lauren is having great success with Lose It (she has worked off about 20lbs) and that is now my preferred calorie counting site. So far I am down 1 chin.

How I Run

So far, in 2011, I have run 303.72 miles. I have ran all of those miles while carrying an iPod Touch (I need music to run) in my left hand with the slack of the earphone cords wrapped around my fingers. Everyday from when I first started running, last year, I told myself I should buy an armband or clip case for my music player. I never did. In the winter my hand froze carrying the iPod. In the summer months, the iPod slips and gets all gross from my sweaty hands.

The other day we went to the Five Below store and I finally bought an armband to carry my music player.

I think the Universal Armband knows a little bit too much about my running.

Except I am also Slow in the light of the day too.

Crunch

I have been trying to get rid of the spare tire I have had hanging around my midsection for the past 10 years. I have dieted and I exercise with some moderate success.

Two weeks ago I told my wife Lauren I was going to start working on my abs. I told her I wanted to get them in better shape in hopes that she would be more attracted to me.

Last week, while I was on vacation, I was lucky enough to get to go the gym a few times with Lauren. Besides my normal treadmill and light weight work outs I decided to add a few abdomen exercises. My wife and I were working on some of the newer machines, trying them out, when I jumped on the Ab Coaster machine. This machine requires some semblance of coordination as well as some semblance of abdominal muscle control, neither of which I have. But how else was going to get 6-pack abs for the wife so I gave it my all.

I knelt on the pad, gripped the handles and rocked my hips back and forth and tried my best to contract the muscles I was supposed to be working. It hurt. It hurt a bunch. But I kept at it. I gritted my teeth and concentrated on my hips rocking. Bearing down I thrust-ed my knees towards my chest crunching my abs. I was breathing hard and fast, a whooshing-huffing-grunting noise escaping my lips with every repetition. Sweat was burning my eyes. My face was red from exertion. I scrunched my face, eyes squinty, bottom teeth protruding in determination to get the most out of this machine and to cope with the pain.

Thrust, crunch, huff. Thrust, crunch, whoosh. Thrust, crunch, grunt. Thrust, crunch, huff.

In mid crunch I looked up at Lauren, my inspiration for my new abs, who was stretching a few feet away. She was just standing staring back at me with a look of horror and a tinge of embarrassment on her face. Her eyes went wide with some kind of dumbfounded astonished expression, which I knew was directed at me. She started to giggle. I finished my set and I started to giggle a bit as well. I knew I must have looked ridiculous.

I walked over to her (which I think she wanted to walk away from me so other people in the gym would not think we were together) and said "I told you was I doing this so you would be more attracted to me."

 "It is not working." she said as she shook her head laughing.

"I mean the end result. When I have the abs of steel. You'll see." I said.

"I don't know Bill," she shook her head. "I don't think I will ever be able to scrub that image out of my brain."

Shifting Gears

Over the past year, in an effort to lose a few pounds and not die too early of a heart attack, I took up the exercise of running. Running is a good way for me to clear my head and think about the day ahead of me. When I was in the regular running routine I was always thinking clearly and at my creative best. Some of my best ideas and blog posts were composed while I was running.


In the year 2011 I have already logged in 233.2 miles of running. Some where around mile 190 I started to get bored. Running no longer was appealing to me and I found myself hitting a plateau mentally and physically. Instead of pushing myself physically I just clocked miles. I was no longer thinking clearly on my runs but rather getting lost in thought. To fix this boredom I got a bike. Not only would the bike fix my exercise boredom but it would also save me time and money. I decided by riding my bike to and from work, 6.25 miles each way, I would save the time because I was multi-tasking using the bike as exercise and transportation but I would also be saving money when gas is close to four bucks a gallon.

I cannot exercise with food in my stomach. My running routine was basic, wake up, have a cup of coffee, get dressed and then hit the pavement. When I would return I would have a solid breakfast, like eggs and bacon with toast, and then start my normal daily routine. Now that I am riding I need to plan my work-outs.  I need to prep my bike and other gear,  pack a change of clothes for the day, take breakfast, which now was a cereal bar or some granola (easy to pack in my bag) and lunch with me to work. One of the problems I run into is that after riding to work, I am so hungry I find myself eating both breakfast and lunch right way. Tuna fish sandwiches for breakfast is just, well, not really breakfasty enough for me.

The Granola bars and other types of snack type bars do not do the trick. I would still eat my lunch before 10AM. This leaves me little fuel for the ride home. Two weeks ago ProMax Energy Bars asked if I would be interested in trying their line of lower sugar bars. They said they would send me free Energy Bars for me to review on the blog.  I was having a problem they were offering a possible solution. Not only that, they said they would pay me for my honest opinion.

I am not a fan of meal replacement bars or other proteins snacks because I always feel like they are trying too hard to taste like a candy bar. Or they are trying too hard to mask something with super sweet chocolate. I think meal replacement bars should taste more like the gum Violet chews in Willy Wonka.

Let me just say that these Promax Lower Sugar Energy Bars taste pretty good, not great, but they do not seem like they are masking something. On a scale of 1 to 10 I would give the flavor a 7.  I had the Double Fudge and the Peanut Butter. I liked the double fudge better. They work great for what I need when it comes to filling my belly. The serving size is a bit more than a snack but not quite a breakfast or lunch. The only thing I don't like is that the chocolate coating or peanut butter coating on the bar comes off in the wrapper. It is bit messy to open. Not a very good thing in a bar that is supposed to be used for travel. The little flecks of chocolate that end up on my desk are difficult to suck up by mouth once they are stuck to purchase order documents.

The price per Promax Energy Bar is about $1.50 each if you buy them by the dozen which isn't too bad for a breakfast. It is cheaper and healthier and less calories than an Egg Mc Muffin. Now only if they would make an energy bar that tasted like a Mc Muffin, or even better a Bacon Energy Bar. Wait a minute I may be on to something. I am having  a "Feed Tuna Mayonnaise." moment. You see that? Biking is already clearing my head.

Promax is holding a contest called the Next Doer . Promax's tagline is "Life is Go" so Go enter their contest for a chance to win a trip to Hawaii.

So far I have logged in 53 miles on the bike. After some quick math I have figured I have saved about $12.00 in gas so far. I am still trying to get the hang of the whole biking thing. Some days I feel like I am playing Frogger and some days I feel like I should be doing a paper route on my way to work. Wait a minute, hold the phone, I think I just had another idea.

I have a $10.00 I-Tunes gift card to give away to someone who leaves me a comment suggesting some decent music for me to listen to on my bike rides to work. I will choose one random comment in the next few days to win the $10.00 I-Tunes gift card. Please make sure you leave a valid way for me to contact you.


Disclaimer - I have been compensated for my time by Promax for sharing my opinion of their product with the readers of this blog.  However, my opinions are entirely my own and I have not been paid to publish positive sentiments towards the Promax Products. The I-tunes Gift card giveaway  is not sponsored by Promax and was totally my idea to solicit comments.

Loser

A few weeks ago Lauren convinced me to run in a 5k race called the St. Patty's Day Shocker. The race raised money to buy defibrillators for the areas public buildings. Hence the name "shocker" as part of the title of race. The run was the Sunday before March 17th, hosted by a local bar, each race participant was going to recieve a free pint of Guinness at the end of the race, hence the "St. Patty's" part of the name. People were encouraged to wear green, dress in costumes or other St. Patty's day themed get ups.

The race met my three criteria for my participation. 1)It was a small race, not too crowded with serious runners although competitive. 2)People in costumes or semi ridiculous outfits (which most runners by default even without trying wear semi-ridiculous outfits). And 3) Beer. By the way these three criteria pretty much are my criteria for participating in anything.

I placed 80th out of 230 with a time of 26:39. Lauren came in 66th place over all. Runners that finished before me included, a 60 year old woman, a man wearing a beer stein hat and some dude who wore a green sequined jump suit. To see pictures you can go here.

Lauren and I enjoyed a breakfast buffet and our Guinness' beers while discussing the course and the competition. Even though neither of us placed in our age groups it was nice to be involved in a race together. There is nothing like good friends and beer to make you feel less like a loser.

Later that same week, Maxfield was involved in a race of his own. His school hosts a pinewood derby race every year which raises money for the Home and School Association. I approached building Max's car with a "it takes a village" mentality. Max drew the shape, Mr V. ,our neighbor, cut it out with a ban saw. I sanded it. Mr. Jones, another neighbor, chiseled the spaces for the weights. Max painted it.

A fine looking car.


The night of the race is a big family event at the school. Mr. V was there helping with the race. Mr. Jones showed up to watch. Lauren and I brought Wyatt along so he could cheer on his brother. High school kids volunteered helping to run the concession stand as well as keeping kids occupied with face painting and crafts.

The way the race is run is similar to a playoff bracket. Races are held within each grade, heat by heat until there is a winner. Then the first grade winner competed against the Kindergarten winner, the 2nd grade winner vs. the third grade winner, 4th grade vs 5th grade, heat by heat until an overall champion is determined. Maxfield won his first heat but was eliminated in the second heat* to his buddy DK. Max was genuinely happy for DK. I was pleased that there were no tears.

During a lull in the racing action Max and Wyatt got their faces painted and we bought Popsicles.

DK went on to compete against G, Max's best buddy who lives up the street. G went on to win 1st grade then compete and win third place overall. Max, Wyatt, DK and G all sat together watching the other races. Each of them happy.

There is nothing like good friends, face painting and Popsicles to make you feel less like a loser.

*Max's car's first race ranked 29 out of 125 races with a time of 3.697 seconds. The over all winners car ranked first and had a best time of 3.588 seconds.

Also the commenter Mindy won the Supercuts gift card contest from a couple of posts ago. Nothing like a haircut to make a you feel less like a loser.

Inspired

This past May, the 17th of May actually, I started an effort to exercise and lose weight. When I started exactly 4 months ago, I weighed 217 lbs. This morning my weight was 189 lbs. I have been hovering abound the 190 mark for the past three weeks. I still count my caloric intake. I still run 5 days a week. But I have not lost any more weight. I have plateaued. I have hit a wall.

Over the course of the past four months anytime I felt a lack of motivation or uninspired something small would set off a spark to keep me going. Whether is was a reading Black Hockey Jesus' monthly running updates or discovering new music by one of my favorite local bands Find Vienna *or finding a new route to take, something would motivate me to get out the door the next morning.

Lately I have been uninspired. Maybe it is the change of weather. Or maybe it is due to the fact that it is pitch black out at 5AM when I do my runs. Or maybe it is due to the fact that I have plateaued and there are no signs of progress.

I switched my exercise routine from P90x to just running for many various reasons. One of those reasons is that Lauren, my wife, one of my biggest inspirations also runs. I was hoping I would be able to train to get to her pace and that eventually we could run together. It would be something we could do as a couple. Having her as a partner would keep me motivated. But with three young boys in the house doing it together is not an option. There is not enough time in the day for Lauren and I to do it together. I would love to be able to get all hot and sweaty and out of breath with Lauren, but well hiring a babysitter so we could do just that would be kind of weird. Yes I am talking about running. So I am stuck doing it by myself, which is getting kind of boring. (this would be a bad spot to say that occsionally my brother Jim has joined me). I am still talking about running.

Lauren has been training all summer for a half marathon that takes place this Sunday. I plan to go down town and watch her race. I am excited and nervous for her. I also know that when I watch her cross the finish line I will be inspired to run again. She has that affect on me.

*I discovered Find Vienna last year at a first Friday event in our small town. They were playing outside of the music shop. I loved the fact that they were performing their own music and that they were really good. I have been keeping an eye and ear on them ever since. They are really good and I think they are going to have a great future. If you like Maroon 5 or The Script you will like Find Vienna.

Kissing Daniel

Warning: Some of the mental images the following post may invoke may be graphic and not suitable to all readers. Reader discretion is advised.


I have big thighs. I get this from my mom’s side of the family. One of the problems with having big thighs is that I tend to chafe. I tend to chafe in the groin area. What causes the chafing? Well it is a combination of friction of my inner thigh rubbing against the seam of my underwear or shorts. Often times, moisture in the same area, can cause me to chafe even more. Some people refer to the chafing as a sweat rash. It is hot down there which is where the term hotter than balls comes from. Now that I am running I have been getting more chafed, like really, really bad. Running causes me to sweat as well as it increases the friction in that particular area. The moisture from the sweat causes the underwear I am wearing to become more heavy and clingy and also more abrasive. This then causes me to chafe. It is a bad case of diaper rash for a lack of a better term.

Another big chafing scenario is when I go to the beach. The moisture from going into the ocean as well as getting sand stuck in my trunks has caused me some of the worst rashes as well as pain I have ever felt. Combine that with the walk to and from the beach it feels like I have sand paper scraping my grundle. Usually by the end of the walk home I have the gait as if I had just rode a horse for a few hours. It would be so bad I would then spend the next day smelling like baby powder and Desitin. The rashes I have gotten from the beaches would be so red and bumpy and painful and inflamed that they could ruin an entire week vacation.

This curse of chafing also affects other members of my family.

During our family’s big July 4th/Mom’s birthday party, I overheard my brother Dan talking to a few of my other brothers. As often is the case when you grow up with 7 other boys the conversation switched to the topic of balls. Not baseballs or soccer balls or basketballs but, you know…balls.

“I swear” Dan said to Jimmy. “You will want to kiss me after you try the new shorts.”

“Really?” someone else asked.

“Yeah. I now wear them all the time under my swim suit.” Dan confirmed. “I have not had a rash since.”

"Are you talking about preventing monkey butt?" I asked.

"No. I am talking about the sweat rash you get at the beach." Dan said.

I was intrigued by the conversation and I asked Dan what he was talking about. He told me he bought some new moisture wicking underwear, the kind that athletes use, and that he wears them under his swim trunks. The underwear wicks the moisture away from his groin and it has dramatically reduced any kind of chafing he would get from his walks to and from the beach. Dan called the underwear his junk protectors. He then told me I should get a pair and try it since I was going to the shore the following week.

“You will not believe how much better you will feel.” Dan said. “You will want to kiss me for me telling you about this underwear.”

Now my brother Dan is not one to just give out unsolicited advice. I mean maybe he will tell you about a new tool he recommends or that he discovered better bourbon, but to suggest new clothes is just not his (pardon the pun) style. Since he was so adamant about the new underwear I purchased a few pair for my trip to the beach.

I bought the boxer brief style which were a little smaller in size than the boxer briefs I am used to wearing. The material is made with “moisture wicking technology” (I have never worn underwear with technology in them) and has a stretchy-spandex kind of feel to them. The smaller size, the tight fit and the stretchy fabric made everything look a bit bigger, which, I gotta admit, I did not mind. The smaller size, the tight fit and the stretchy fabric made me feel like I was wearing part of a superhero costume, which, I gotta admit, was kind of cool.

I wore my new underwear to the beach every day while I was on vacation. Let me tell you this is the best underwear I have ever worn. I did not get one rash. I wore them one my runs, no rash. I wore them in the ocean and in the sand, no rash. Half way through my vacation I called my brother Dan to thank him for the advice on the underwear.

"Dan, the next time I see you I am going to kiss you." I said.

"Was I right about the shorts or what?"

"I love them. Not a single rash. I wear them everyday."

"I told you." Dan said.

"Not only do I not have any chafing but when I put them on I feel like I am putting on a superhero costume, and for that, well Dan, when I kiss you I may even give you some tongue."


UPDATED 7-28-10
I purchased my awesome underwear at Sears and bought the Structure Brand. (make sure they are the moisture wicking kind).

Who watches the watchman

In my quest to drop some weight and live a healthier life I have taken up running. Most of the time I run at night around 9:30 or so. Using various websites I have mapped a few courses through my neighborhood.

Every night during my jog I have noticed a small gold colored SUV driving very slow through the neighborhood. The first night the SUV slowed to a crawl as it approached me from behind. I thought I was going to get jumped, but then the speed picked back up and it passed me. I could not see the driver or the passenger. I figured they mistook me for someone else. The second night the same thing happened. Again two people driving very slowly. The third night the gold SUV approached me from the front, I could see shadows of both the driver and passenger. They did not slow down but kept a very slow driving pace. I was finally able to see the passenger on the fourth night. I realized it was my next door neighbor. He and another guy are part of the neighborhood watch program. For the next couple of nights I would wave to them as I ran by.

I was into my third week of running and I had just finished a 2.77 mile run (my furthest run at that time) when I saw a gold SUV approach me. It was driving very close to the opposite curb in a spastic stop and go fashion. I craned my neck to get a better view of the other side of the vehicle when I noticed someone moving very quickly, clinging to the shadows along the edges of the homes on that side of the street. It looked to me like the neighborhood watch guys were after someone.

All of the sudden the person took off across the front yard of a corner lot. I could see him clearly in the glow of the home's porch light. It was a teen-aged boy. The SUV, jolted, sped up and rounded the corner. Just as the SUV completed its turn, the teenager on the lawn spun around and ran in the opposite direction of the SUV. There was no way the SUV was going to be able to make a U-turn on the small street in time to catch the kid.

My inner Batman took over and I jetted after the kid. I thought maybe the kid was caught breaking into cars or maybe he was seen vandalizing some property. My adrenaline was flowing, my testosterone pumping. I would nab the perpetrator.


The kid was about 35 yards ahead of me when he realized I was chasing him. He sped up.

The kid was fast. I was faster.

For about 4 seconds I was faster. After that, the two plus miles I had just ran caught up to me. My shin splints ached, I could not catch my breath, sweat burned my eyes, I had a stitch in my side and my feet burned. I pulled up, gasping, limping, holding my lower right side. I leaned against a street light and watched the kid turn up the next road over. I hobbled to that corner and looked up to see if I could spot him. He too was now walking and he strolled up a driveway.

A minute later the gold SUV pulled up along side of me as a I walked towards the driveway. It was not the neighborhood watch SUV. A woman rolled down her window and thanked me for chasing her 13 year old son home. He was going to run away, she was following him trying to convince him to come home. He made it a block and half from his house when I started chasing him. I scared him straight home.