Thursday, July 28, 2011


I have been trying to get rid of the spare tire I have had hanging around my midsection for the past 10 years. I have dieted and I exercise with some moderate success.

Two weeks ago I told my wife Lauren I was going to start working on my abs. I told her I wanted to get them in better shape in hopes that she would be more attracted to me.

Last week, while I was on vacation, I was lucky enough to get to go the gym a few times with Lauren. Besides my normal treadmill and light weight work outs I decided to add a few abdomen exercises. My wife and I were working on some of the newer machines, trying them out, when I jumped on the Ab Coaster machine. This machine requires some semblance of coordination as well as some semblance of abdominal muscle control, neither of which I have. But how else was going to get 6-pack abs for the wife so I gave it my all.

I knelt on the pad, gripped the handles and rocked my hips back and forth and tried my best to contract the muscles I was supposed to be working. It hurt. It hurt a bunch. But I kept at it. I gritted my teeth and concentrated on my hips rocking. Bearing down I thrust-ed my knees towards my chest crunching my abs. I was breathing hard and fast, a whooshing-huffing-grunting noise escaping my lips with every repetition. Sweat was burning my eyes. My face was red from exertion. I scrunched my face, eyes squinty, bottom teeth protruding in determination to get the most out of this machine and to cope with the pain.

Thrust, crunch, huff. Thrust, crunch, whoosh. Thrust, crunch, grunt. Thrust, crunch, huff.

In mid crunch I looked up at Lauren, my inspiration for my new abs, who was stretching a few feet away. She was just standing staring back at me with a look of horror and a tinge of embarrassment on her face. Her eyes went wide with some kind of dumbfounded astonished expression, which I knew was directed at me. She started to giggle. I finished my set and I started to giggle a bit as well. I knew I must have looked ridiculous.

I walked over to her (which I think she wanted to walk away from me so other people in the gym would not think we were together) and said "I told you was I doing this so you would be more attracted to me."

 "It is not working." she said as she shook her head laughing.

"I mean the end result. When I have the abs of steel. You'll see." I said.

"I don't know Bill," she shook her head. "I don't think I will ever be able to scrub that image out of my brain."


Anonymous said...

Go back to Nestle's Crunch

for a different kind of girl said...

Heh...Nestle's Crunch. Good one!

Looks like you can add weights to that machine and really bust a gut...which is exactly what I would do on that thing.

SFD said...

Maybe a girdle?

Effie said...

maybe Captain Crunch would work better--you get to wear a fancy hat and you *know* how women love a man in uniform! ;)
I'm truly impressed at your dedication!

April said...

All I can think is that on that show "King of Queens" The husband asked his wife why she would want a "six-pack" when she could have a keg?! As he lifts his shirt...

Melissa A. said...

Did the Ab Coaster work though?

James (SeattleDad) said...

I think you should try the Wooden Ab Coaster. They don't make them like those anymore.