Monday, May 17, 2010

Hairy

I can barely type this post. I'm hurting.

I am not kidding I can barely keep my arms up on the desk to reach the keyboard.

It all started a few weeks ago after this incident in the ER. Since I had to sit for a few hours, with no shirt on, while nurses looked at me I realized something about myself; I am a very hairy person.

The next day I took my electric beard trimmer and trimmed some of the chest hair that was creeping up my neck protruding from my collar.

The next day after that I looked in the mirror and I realized that now that I trimmed the hair on my upper chest, my lower chest hair and nipples looked kind of wild and unkempt. I trimmed that as well. I remember having contests with my brothers to see who could have the longest nipple hair, now I was cutting them all off.

The next day after that, I looked in the mirror and I realized how silly the hair looked on my belly while my chest was all nice and neat. So I charged up the trimmer and I clipped the hair on my stomach including the "trail to happiness".

The next day after that I found myself trimming all the hair on my trunk and upper legs. I could not stop myself. Everywhere I looked I messed up somewhere, something was uneven, and I had to trim and cut and shear. It was like the begatting of hair trimming. The next thing I knew I was practically all stubble from neck to mid-thigh.

The next day after that, I told Lauren what happened. She laughed.

The next day after that, I looked in the mirror and without the fur coat I usually sported I realized I was fat. With no hair to hide my man boobs, my man boobs looked like, well, really big man boobs. Without the hair under my chest and on my belly I could see just how much of a gut I was getting. My spare tire looked like it could fit a pick-up truck. Everything looked bigger with no hair (yes even that did too except now I looked like some pre-pubescent boy with a large gut.)

Tonight, I started the P90x workout. I am sure you have seen the infomercial for this intense 90 day workout. I did chest and arms. Now I hurt. I can barely type this post.

Part of the program they suggest taking a Day 1 photo of your body (no shirt) to compare it to pictures at Day 30, Day 60 and Day 90. I did not take the day one photo. I am afraid if I did, when I compared it to the later pictures it would look like time lapse photos of me turning into a werewolf, or maybe a human Chia-pet.

21 comments:

SoozieQ said...

I screamed when I came home from work and saw that my husband had shaved off his goatee. I think I'd weep if he shaved his chest hair.

Mainline Mom said...

I am dying laughing, just imagining all this!!! Oh Bill, you are brave.

maria from nj said...

Hmmm I suspect I may have nightmares after reading this. I knew it would be better to read the news, but instead I chose blogs! LoL, you're too much. Good luck with the trimming plan.

Jack said...

Oy, that sounds like quite an experience. I haven't shaved down like that since my days on the swim team.

Melinda said...

I need to see the pictures.

Effie said...

i thought you were going to say you waxed or something...I'd hate if my hubby shaved his chest--and good luck with the exercise program...

Anonymous said...

So I unpacked my adjectives...

Boy that was one big hairy bear

Jayne said...

I can't wait to tell my husband this story - so he can have coffee shoot out his nose when he laughs, too.

Charlotte in Pa said...

Nothing wrong with a little manscaping, my friend. A little effort is appreciated. However, shaving to the point where you look like a 3rd grader is NOT encouraged.

kcinnova said...

I might have just bust a gut laughing... on the other hand, if busting a gut is the same as getting rid of it, this could be a good plan!

I'm glad it ended with diet and exercise, because I was worried you were going to end up as a wax victim. ROTFL

Dad is in the House said...

I hear you on the not taking the pic thing. I can't do that either.

handstowar said...

Stick with it brother! I want to see the before and after pictures. It'll make a great post for you once you've completed the workout.

for a different kind of girl said...

For years, I have begged my husband to tidy up a bit in the body hair department. I've even given him the "Everything looks bigger!" campaign as a means of encouragement. Then I remembered how, once, I couldn't look him in the eye for eight weeks after he was nearly shaved bald during a tragic barbershop accident, so that, combined with how hard I laughed at this post, should probably serve as the cautionary tale it is.

Along with updates on how you're doing on P90X (oh, I WISH I was hardcore enough to try that!), I'll eagerly await updates on how itchy you are as the hair grows back!

Anonymous said...

Oh, Guillermo, that's your Spanish heritage! Hold onto it, don't try to get rid of it!

SciFi Dad said...

It could be worse.

You could have waxed instead of shaved.

Anonymous said...

What about your palms?

Muskrat said...

was the moon full? if so, that hair might just come right back next month.

Susie said...

1. You need to take that picture.

2. You do realize that the HOTTEST guy around this past year was a werewolf, right?

3. If this P90X thing makes you too pained to write, then you stay fat and write. One woman's opinion.

4. I heard today that the P90X food plan means it makes you pee 90 times a day. Is that true?

James (SeattleDad) said...

Man you always crack me up.

I know you took the picture, you just have to get up the nerve to post it.

Lowa said...

This was funny! I do p90x as well. Get ready for yoga. I cannot do it. Fridays will kill you, that is the leg workout. The first few weeks after doing fridays, I could barely walk. Stick with it though dude, trust me. You will feel AMAZING.

Don't eat the way he says, though. Far too much food. You should try the way Gillian McKeith eats. I have checked out some of her books from the library and it is amazing how much better you feel eating this way. Have you seen her show "You are what you eat"?? Scary stuff. I am eating this way AND doing p90x and I feel amazing. Being a man, you will need more calories than me of course, but after a few weeks of playing around with it, you will adjust and know how much to eat. It is hard to find all of these foods and I am eating things I have never heard of or tried before. But wow...I feel SO MUCH BETTER and I have only been eating this way for 10 days.

Gretchen said...

"Get 'em up knee cats!" Tony-isms will be peppering your posts, I'm certain, as you get further into P90X. I've done it twice. There's nothing like it. Just keep pushing play. And stop shaving.