Wednesday, May 04, 2005

The Lawn Whisperer

I was speaking with my brother John yesterday and I was explaining life in Florida(Officially, I became a Floridian 2 months ago today). About what the major differences are between the South and Pennsylvania and what not. So we're talkin and I mention how the development I live in has a Yard of The Month Award. They give it to the Yard that has improved the most. I told John how my neighbors won. I have not cut my grass in 3weeks so compared to my yard they look great. I am not a yard person. The following is part of the email I received from John. Who, cuts his grass 3 times a week. Who enjoys yard work. Who loves the smell of mulch in the morning.
I edited it for content.

It is not about the money. It is about the pride of having the skills to maintain a well groomed lawn. You see, much like your silly pets, lawns need grooming too. You should just do it, for the sake of saying that you won. At the age that we are currently, the opportunity for competition does not come by very often. There is no more little league for us. There is no more highschool sports. We only have two forms of competition left.

First, we compete with our kids. Yes, we compete with our children, for the attention of our spouse. We basically get screwed here. My wife pays all of her attention to them, like they are helpless little kids or something. I am basically an ornament. I am the dinner table ornament. What I say has no bearing on anything.

He explains different ways that he competes for the attention of his wife and how he is an ornament in many occasions and then proceeds to this

The other form of competition is with the neighbors. You know, keeping up with the Jone's. Well, I like to kick the crap out of the Jone's. My lawn is the best. My trees are the best. Bill, my lawn listens to me. I am the Lawn Whisperer.

I can teach you things grasshopper. You should be able to compete for the Best Lawn award. Fertilizer, water, and TLC. Give the lawn some TLC Bill. You will make those neighbors hate that you live there. Your two neighbors will win every month if your ugliness is between them. The committee will always compare them to you. Don't have a messy lawn Bill. Let me be the Dr. Phil of lawns for you. We can beat those neighbors. You gotta believe. Step up, be a man. Be a competitor and grow that grass.

John is very jealous they do not have a Lawn award in his neighborhood. But I decided I will give this a shot. John will be the Obi Lawn Kenobi and I will be Young Skywalker. This should be interesting.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

That's what I'm talking about. The saying goes "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence". But Bill, you need to change that to " the grass is always greener on my side of the fence, Dammit". Once you have that mentality, we can move on.

Lauren said...

Doesn't this contradict the "semi-retarded man" argument?

the lawn whisperer said...

Semi-retarded-man-with-tools is the argument. Lawn care uses machines. I am not that bad with machines. Tools are battery operated. Machines are fuel operated. That I can handle

the lawn whisperer said...

shhhhh, if you fertilize, it will grow.

Nic said...

No comment b/c I suck a yard work. I pay someone to do mine. I do tend to my herb garden by myself and that's about the extent of it! Great post!

Nic said...

Been looking around. Love your site. So humorous! Hope you don't mind if I link you on my site.

Susie said...

We have no such award possibilities, but we have been fortunate, in both houses in which we've lived, to live right smack in between the "anal lawn caretakers" and the "total freakin' slackers," so that we look, to the untrained eye, like very moderate, reasonable people. MWAHAAHAAHAAHAAAA...

the lawn whisperer said...

shhhh, if you water, it will grow

Susie said...

That is the funniest thing I have read today.

Circus Kelli said...

sshhh.... if you fertilize it, it will grow like mad!