We went to hell on Sunday. Okay, not really hell but one of my versions of hell. We went to JoAnn Fabrics.
Somewhere in Dante’s description of the nine levels he forgot to mention JoAnn Fabrics. I rarely go to this place but since it was Mother’s Day we did what Lauren wanted to do. And if you asked Lauren, “Do you want to go to an all expense paid vacation to Hawaii, where there will be hot tubs, massages, and all the crab legs and steak you could eat, or go to Joann’s?”
She would probably say JoAnn Fabrics. The JoAnn Fabrics by our house is a JoAnn Superstore. Superstore hell. Super Hell.
My job at JoAnns today was to take care of Max, which is normally an easy job. Not today. Max wanted to walk. Not sit in the cart and smile at all the ladies that work there. He wanted to walk in and out of every aisle. Every aisle in Superstore Hell is a lot of aisles, with tons of bolts of fabric to throw on the floor. And they have tons balls of yarn and ribbons that can be tossed every which way. At some point Max needed to have his diaper changed.
We made our way to the men’s room where they actually had a clean and working changing table with a strap. A working strap is rare in public restroom changing tables. Hell has a pretty nice men’s room. Probably, because men rarely go into the superstore hell. I don’t know if it was the diaper or being in the bathroom but now I had to pee. What was I going to do with Max?
Being MacGyver-esque, I figured a way to use the strap from the changing table and the strap from the diaper bag to tether max to the wall. So I am standing at the urinal, Max is tied to the wall like a horse outside a saloon, and don’t you know it, theonly other man in the store walks in. I was so embarrassed because I tied Max to the wall.
After eternity it was time for lunch. We went to a sandwich/salad place called Crisper’s. Crisper’s does not serve any kind of food suitable for kids. So we ordered a roll for Max and I gave him half of the pickle that came with my Sandwich. Half a pickle, which he tried to shove into his mouth all at once. I of course take it out and he shoves it back in. I finally extract it from his clenched teeth and it falls to the floor. Being that there is no five-second rule in a restaurant or any other public place for that matter, we took it away from him. The shriek the emanated from his mouth was the loudest I have ever heard from him. He of course starts wailing and screaming. The other customers in the place were giving us dirty looks. Which pissed me and Lauren off. But I couldn't quiet him quick enough. I wanted to go back to JoAnns.