Thursday, March 31, 2011

I have No Gate Key

One of the first regulars readers of this blog, back when I first started it in 2005, was my brother Anonymous. I call him him anonymous because that is how he has always commented on my posts, as Anonymous. He never wanted to give himself a "blog handle" as he called it. Today is Anonymous' birthday. In honor of his birthday I felt the need to tell a story about him.


In the early to mid 90's my brother Anonymous was the General Manager at a very popular nightclub in the city of Philadelphia. When I was in need of a job my brother offered me a position as a doorman. After a few months and a some extreme circumstances I found myself as the operations manager of the club. The nightclub had four bars with 2 to 3 beer boxes each, two beer tubs, a VIP lounge, a VIP entrance separate from the other two front doors, 4 security gates, two back doors, a beer room, a liquor closet, a coat room, a managers office and a security office. Part of being a manager was carrying around a key chain with keys to all the various rooms and locks in the club. Our key rings would put Schneider's from One Day At A Time key rings to shame.

The lawful occupancy of the club was 600 or odd people but on most weekend nights we packed in as much as 1200 people.The night club was THEE place to be on any night but even more so on a Saturday night. The club was located in a perfect spot for nightlife, had the top DJs in the city and the best looking, most skilled, the fastest bartenders of any club.

One Saturday night, due to the fact that PA is a state which has a liquor control board as well as some weird and outdated laws, the PA State Police paid us a visit. Twenty to thirty state police officers entered the club, ordered the music turned off, started carding patrons, confiscating liquor and cash registers and questioning the staff. Most likely the state police raided our club because someone from our competition (another club owner or manager) called the police with a complaint (my guess it was the manager of the nightclub down the street that had a giant Sphinx in their main floor. They never liked us).

At one point the lead investigator started to question my brother Anonymous. The lead investigator asked to see the security video tapes that were recording and locked up in the security office. My brother Anonymous, in an effort to stall for time, protect the club as well as resist the illegal search and seizure that was being perpetrated by the state police, told the lead investigator that security office was locked and that no one in the club had the key. The lead investigator spotted the huge key ring hanging from my brother's belt.

"Not one of those keys will open that door?" The policeman asked.

"No." Anonymous said knowing that he did.

 "I will tell you what" the officer said, "I am going to try every one of those keys in that door. If one of those keys works I am going to take you jail."

As my brother and I watched, the officer took the keys from Anonymous and started one by one to try each key in the door. The officer would insert the key, look at my brother for a reaction, turn the key, nothing would happen and then move to the next. He made sure he looked at my brother with each key. Anonymous and I both knew that one of the keys was going to work.

The officer tried 6 or so keys and was only 2 keys away from getting to key that would open the door. He looked at Anoymous with a determined stare and started with the next key.

My brother mustered up the best mock surprise face he could and said, "OH. OOOHHH. You mean the key that would open THAT door? I know which one that is."

I could not help but laugh.

The officer could not help but laugh.

 Anonymous handed the officer the correct key and no one went to jail that night.

 I still laugh thinking about it.

 Happy Birthday Anonymous.


Anonymous said...

wasnt his birthday yesterday?

stephanie said...

"Make em laugh" I think that's what Gabriel Iglesias says...any relation to Anonymous?

Susie said...

Anonymous always cracks me up. Happy Birthday, A!

Anonymous said...

Primus called me yesterday.

Anonymous said...

I do not think I have ever addressed your readers directly but... You should have known William then. He was so much more masculine. Nothing would rock him. He wasn't afraid of anything. Ever since Lauren made him that apron, he has changed. He wears spandex now. He adds mixers to his alcohol. Thanks for the BDay wishes.

Sharon's Husband said...

Hey, One-eyed Willy, the manager at the other nightclub you were referring to had no problem with your establishment or Anonymous. He had issues with Anonymous' manager who raped and pillaged the nightclub with the Sphinx.

Lauren said...

Thanks, Anonymous, you're apron's not too shabby, either... nice ruffles.

mrtl said...

Happy birthday, Anonymous. Don't get arrested today.

The Absence of Alternatives said...

Great suspense! More importantly: They don't make clubs like that no more. Sigh.

Happy Birthday Anonymous!