Canada

A few weeks ago I was asked by Dove Soap to try out their new men's line of soaps and deodorant. They have some type of campaign going on over at their Facebook Page  they are trying to promote. At the time Dove asked I knew I was traveling to Toronto Canada for a week. Their offer of a free sample of their body wash, bar soap, antiperspirant deodorant and some scrubby thing in a travel bag was perfect timing. I would take it with me on my trip, use only their products and offer them an honest opinion. The best part about their product was the fact that it was all dye free, anti irritant, hypo allergenic, sensitive skin care type of stuff. If you are a regular reader of Poop and Boogies you know I have allergy issues.

I was excited to go to Canada. When I travel I like to experience the place, the people and the food. I like to try the small places and get a feel of the  city. I love to try all of the local cuisine. My understanding of Canadian foods, especially Toronto, was they were known for their beers, whiskeys, wings, sausages and of course Canadian Bacon. Toronto was going to be my food heaven.

I flew into Toronto last Monday. I checked into the hotel and unloaded my toiletry pack of all the new Dove Products. I planned to start my trial on Tuesday. We ate on the go and dinner consisted of some type of flat bread pizza and a couple of micro brew beers. After a long day of travel, work, and running around I went to bed around 9:30 PM. I woke up at 1:00 AM covered in hives. And then again at 2:00 AM  and then at 3:00 AM, 4:00 AM and finally got out of bed at 5. I assumed I was having a reaction to either something I ate or the hotel sheets. I was praying it was the sheets. I had yet to use the new soaps but now I was worried that my current state of hives would somehow be affected by the new products.  I used them any way.

After a long shower my hives went away. I used the body wash, it got me clean. There was only a hint of fragrance which I was indifferent to at the time. I used the Dove deodorant which was taking a risk.  I was going to be working a trade show and I needed to make sure I was not going to get sweaty pits. I really liked the deodorant. I ate a big breakfast of eggs, toast, sausage and bacon. I thought I was getting Canadian Bacon but it was just regular bacon. If you are in Canada and you order bacon shouldn't you get the Canadian stuff? If you are in China do you order Chinese food or do you just order food?

The Dove deodorant claims it can last up to 48 hours. I have to tell you this stuff was working overtime. At some point during the afternoon I was stricken with some type of flu. I felt like I was hit by a bus, I was sweating and I had the chills, but no sweaty pits. I was hoping it was not a reaction to something I ate. I left the trade show early heading straight for the hotel. I stopped by the front desk and requested hypo-allergenic sheets. They told me it would take a few hours. I requested them for the next day. I went to bed without eating lunch or dinner. I was sad I did not get to have more a Canadian experience.

I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. I woke up at 1 AM and again at 2, 3 and 4 AM with slight fever and covered with hives. I knew it was the sheets causing the hives. I took another shower using the Dove body wash and felt so much better. I still felt like crap but much better than the day before. I ate a small breakfast with out any Canadian fare just in case I was going to be sick. I worked the trade show again without sweaty pits thanks to the Dove antiperspirant. I started to feel better by the late afternoon and was back to normal by Wednesday night. That night I was so hungry from not eating the day before I pigged out on wings and a burger, you know, comfort food.  I did not have beer or whiskey or any other Canadian food. Another day without experiencing Canadian culture.  When I got back to the hotel, they informed me I had allergy free sheets.

Thursday was uneventful except that we heard  rumours (that's how they say it in Canada with the "ou") there was a work slow down at the Toronto airport. Whenever I need to confirm rumors I always go to Twitter. Twitter told me there was a work slow down. Toronto's airport security was taking out their gripes on international travelers by making them miss their flights. It wasn't a strike but the security was working at slower than half speed. They were calling it a "work to rule" strike. I worked late and settled for a light non-Canadian dinner. We finished the trade show at 10PM and decided to get to the airport by 3:30AM to catch our 6:30 flight. Another day without experiencing Canadian grub, drink, people or culture.

I woke up with no hives, no fever and feeling pretty good for 2AM. I showered and used all the Dove products again. I noticed the scent of the body wash seemed more pronounced. My head or sinuses must have been clearing up. I liked the scent, it was nice, subtle. My colleagues and I were in the first 10 to 20 people in line at the airport. We went through ticketing and customs without a hitch. When we approached security we could tell they were planning a second day of slow down. It was almost comical how slow they were moving. They looked like they were in slow motion.

I handed my passport and boarding pass to the point security guard and she chuckled. "We have a Four S." she said.

"What is a a four S?" I asked.

"Secondary screening." she replied.

The Toronto airport security took on an almost Keystone Cops appearance. Everyone of them pointing me to another agent who was supposed to handle the Four S people. I was told that normally a Four S would have to go into the X-ray Scanner thing but there was no one there authorized to work the scanner. The rules stated that without the scanner I would have to wait or undergo a thorough pat down. I did not want to miss my flight. I started to sweat. I was thankful for the antiperspirant.

I opted for the pat down. I stood facing a wall as the security guard in the slowest possible way started a full body pat down. He rubbed my neck and collar. He slowly checked my arms. He slowly felt under my arms, my sides, my back. He was moving so slow that I started to get nervous. He inserted his fingers into my waste band and slowly moved them around. He slid his hands down my left leg, then my right. He fondled my pockets lingering just a little bit too long on my butt. Just when I thought he was finished, he asked me to face him so he could do the other side.

I went through the process again. It was beyond ridiculous. I was having a Canadian experience that I would not forget for a long time. At one point as the security agent was feeling my chest I swear he took a deep inhale as if he was admiring the scent of the body wash. Thanks Dove for making a product that airport security appreciates. His pat down was either slow and steady because of a "work to rule" strike or because your product makes me irresistible.

Mary Mary

Back in the early Spring my wife decided that we were going to have some of the best vegetable gardens in the neighborhood. She planned her lay outs of all available space, comparing sun levels, watering needs and work required and matched them up to the types of veggies and herbs she was going to plant.

Along the front walkway she built wire supports for Snap Peas and Tomato plants.

The Snap Peas are coming in nicely although the yield is light due to Jackson. He keeps eating them right off the vine.

Lauren built a raised bed with protective fencing in the back yard for radishes, onions, carrots, lettuce, peppers and a few other plants.

Off of our front porch and down the side of the house, Lauren built a small stone containment wall as well as a stone path which she lined with an herb garden.

She made signs for each plant so we would know what was what. Part of her gardening process was starting some plants in pots and then transferring them to the ground. At one point Lauren told me that there were a few herbs, like Spearmint, still in unlabled pots that she was not sure where to plant in the garden.

The other day Lauren was running errands and I decided to make a special dinner using some of the fresh herbs. I made my "Best Chicken Ever" recipe with a warm mango peach salsa topping. From the garden I clipped Parsley, a small sprig of Dill and some Cilantro to mix into the salsa and give it the extra layers of flavor.

It was a beautiful bright sunny afternoon and I decided I would also surprise Lauren with a pitcher of Frozen Mojito drinks to go along with our dinner. I pictured us drinking the refreshing concation on the back porch while I grilled the chicken. I clipped a good portion of fresh Spearmint from one of the pots and threw it into the blender with the Rum and other ingredients.

Lauren was happy to see the meal, the frozen drinks and even happier that her hard work in the garden was paying off in the form of fresh ingredients. She took a sip of the Mojito and made a face.

"What's in this?" She asked.

"Mint." I said. "I took it from one of the pots."

"Oh. I already planted the mint. What pot did you take this from."

I told her.

"Oh. That is not mint. That is Basil."

I made a whole pitcher of  Basil-coladas.

Needless to say it was a lot of wasted Rum.

I have No Gate Key

One of the first regulars readers of this blog, back when I first started it in 2005, was my brother Anonymous. I call him him anonymous because that is how he has always commented on my posts, as Anonymous. He never wanted to give himself a "blog handle" as he called it. Today is Anonymous' birthday. In honor of his birthday I felt the need to tell a story about him.

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In the early to mid 90's my brother Anonymous was the General Manager at a very popular nightclub in the city of Philadelphia. When I was in need of a job my brother offered me a position as a doorman. After a few months and a some extreme circumstances I found myself as the operations manager of the club. The nightclub had four bars with 2 to 3 beer boxes each, two beer tubs, a VIP lounge, a VIP entrance separate from the other two front doors, 4 security gates, two back doors, a beer room, a liquor closet, a coat room, a managers office and a security office. Part of being a manager was carrying around a key chain with keys to all the various rooms and locks in the club. Our key rings would put Schneider's from One Day At A Time key rings to shame.

The lawful occupancy of the club was 600 or odd people but on most weekend nights we packed in as much as 1200 people.The night club was THEE place to be on any night but even more so on a Saturday night. The club was located in a perfect spot for nightlife, had the top DJs in the city and the best looking, most skilled, the fastest bartenders of any club.

One Saturday night, due to the fact that PA is a state which has a liquor control board as well as some weird and outdated laws, the PA State Police paid us a visit. Twenty to thirty state police officers entered the club, ordered the music turned off, started carding patrons, confiscating liquor and cash registers and questioning the staff. Most likely the state police raided our club because someone from our competition (another club owner or manager) called the police with a complaint (my guess it was the manager of the nightclub down the street that had a giant Sphinx in their main floor. They never liked us).

At one point the lead investigator started to question my brother Anonymous. The lead investigator asked to see the security video tapes that were recording and locked up in the security office. My brother Anonymous, in an effort to stall for time, protect the club as well as resist the illegal search and seizure that was being perpetrated by the state police, told the lead investigator that security office was locked and that no one in the club had the key. The lead investigator spotted the huge key ring hanging from my brother's belt.

"Not one of those keys will open that door?" The policeman asked.

"No." Anonymous said knowing that he did.

 "I will tell you what" the officer said, "I am going to try every one of those keys in that door. If one of those keys works I am going to take you jail."

As my brother and I watched, the officer took the keys from Anonymous and started one by one to try each key in the door. The officer would insert the key, look at my brother for a reaction, turn the key, nothing would happen and then move to the next. He made sure he looked at my brother with each key. Anonymous and I both knew that one of the keys was going to work.

The officer tried 6 or so keys and was only 2 keys away from getting to key that would open the door. He looked at Anoymous with a determined stare and started with the next key.

My brother mustered up the best mock surprise face he could and said, "OH. OOOHHH. You mean the key that would open THAT door? I know which one that is."

I could not help but laugh.

The officer could not help but laugh.

 Anonymous handed the officer the correct key and no one went to jail that night.

 I still laugh thinking about it.

 Happy Birthday Anonymous.

Staining: A Tutorial

When trying to stain a desktop/countertop you need to make sure you have the proper materials; a brush, a bunch of rags, rubber gloves (Do you own rubber gloves? I lease with an an option to buy.) a can of stain with a cool sounding name like Brazillian Rosewood with a pretty picture on the front that matches what you want your desk to look like, and paint thinner or mineral spirits; spirit being the key word here.

Step 1:Wait for the coldest night of the year to work in your garage. Step 2: Cover the wood (heh heh) with liberal amounts of stain. Step 3: Wait 15 minutes. Step 4:Wipe off excess stain. Repeat steps 2 thru 4 for a darker look.

Clean up and go to bed.

The next morning you need to show your wife the stained boards. She will most likley say that the cool sounding color that you picked out does not look like it does on the can.

Step 5: go to Lowes and pick up a darker stain.

Using Darker stain repeat Steps 1 thru 4. But this time make sure you pick up some paint thinner for yourself. This will help battle the chill in the garage. I prefer my paint thinner of the Canadian blended or rye variety. On the rocks.


Note in the above picture the board has been already stained with a cool sounding name type of stain that was not dark enough.


Step 1: Wait for coldest night to work in garage. Step 2: Cover the board in liberal amounts of stain. Step 3: Wait fifteen to twenty minutes. Step 3(A): this is where having paint thinner for yourself comes in handy. Drink liberal amounts.

Step 4: Wipe off excess stain, only to be surprised that the board does not look that much darker than when you started. Step 4(A) This is another moment where the paint thinner comes in handy. Empty contents of glass. This is the perfect time to replenish the paint thinner and add more ice.

Repeating steps 2 thru 4 to try and get darker look. Making sure to pay particular attention to Step 3(A) and Step 4 (A). Step 1 does not need repeating because if the paint thinner has been used correctly, the temperature of the garage does not matter at this time.

After Step 4 you should notice that again the wood looks almost exactly the same as when you started. Repeat Step 4(A). Now repeat steps 2 thru 4 two more times. After the fourth try and fourth glass of thinner, look at the board and say "Fuck it, it will do."