Monday, March 21, 2011


"You seem a little stressed out." Lauren said to me in a matter of fact way. We were cleaning up from lunch. "You need to go and drink some beers with the guys or something."

"The guys?" I said. "I don't have any guys. Besides it is Sunday afternoon. 1 o'clock no less."

"If you could go and drink beers and hang out with someone," Lauren asked "who would it be?"

I thought to myself, "Bob. But he lives 40 minutes away. Half my beer drinking time would be spent on travel time. Dave, but it would be weird to call him and ask him to go drink beers. He would think I was in some serious trouble."

I said. "I don't know."

Lauren finished wiping down the table.

"Ken." I blurted.

"What? Who?" Lauren asked.

"Ken M." I actually said his last name but I do try to give people a bit of anonymity on this blog to potentially save them from embarrassment. "I could always call Ken and say Let's meet up for a beer or whatever, and Ken would be like, 'Okay."

"Call Ken." Lauren said.

"I haven't spoken to Ken since I dry humped in the super market parking lot. I am not calling him."

I then took Maxfield and Wyatt food shopping, to Rita's Water Ice for free water ice day, then to play baseball, (me as a dad playing ball, not as a coach with other kids) then to the playground (apparently me as dad playing ball is no where near as fun as when there are other kids around) then we went home.

"I am going to go out to get beer." I told Lauren.

"Really?" She asked.

"Yes. You asked me who I would want to just hang out with and have a few beers, well that would be you. We will sit out back, in the sun, and have a couple while the kids play."


"I will be back in a bit. Any preference?" I asked as I grabbed my keys. "Blue Moon or Yuengling Lager?"

"Lager." She said.

I returned 20 minutes later. Lauren greeted me at the driveway. A maroon minivan was backing out. It was my neighbor Lisa's Van. My boys play with her boys all of the time. My two older boys were inside the minivan.

"Where are the boys going?" I asked.

"To Lisa's to play with her boys. Lisa asked me if I wanted to go to Home Goods. I said yes but I needed to wait for you to come home since Jackson is napping. Her husband is watching the kids while we go to Home Goods. She is coming back to pick me up."

"Wait," I said "you are going to Home Goods with Lisa? What happened to drinking beers out back in the sun with me?"

Then it hit me, Home Goods. Lauren said Home Goods. The store that on most days, can just overpower Ikea as the best store ever, in the whole wide world. Me and a few Yeunglings didn't stand a chance.

A few minutes later I grabbed a beer and went out back. I sat on a wicker rocker in the middle of my yard and watched the dog chew a stick. I probably looked like a fool to my older neighbor who was busy raking her back yard and filling her birdfeeders with seed.

A few minutes after that Lauren and Lisa popped their heads out the back door.

"We're leaving." Lauren said. "Keep an ear out for Jackson."

"You are like the dog in the movie UP." I told Lauren. "But instead of the word squirrel, you hear Home Goods and you're like all distracted."

My neighbor, Mrs. T. (no relation to Mr. T of the I pitty the fool fame. I just am not using her last name give anonymity to people to save them the embarrassment of being on this blog. Although if her husband did use the phrase I pitty the fool it would be awesome.) head popped up from her diligent raking duties and said "Did you say Home Goods?"

It was like a squirrell ran in front of all of them.


Karen Deborah said...

awh...your wife missed the best choice on that one. Sitting outside with you. next time ask her to stay.
You don't need to drink beer with the guys. Glad you couldn't think of any. but when you take care of kids some adult conversation can go a long way.

Pretty funny about the squirrels. I'm trying to get my dog interested in them. To run them off, but no deal--go figure.

mindy said...

I love HomeGoods!

Michelle said...

What? I'm sorry. All I read was "blah, blah, blah HOME GOODS. blah, blah, blah"

mrtl said...

"You love Home Goods more than you love me."

Hey, they have those in Virginia? I'm not familiar, but won't worry because my marriage is solid.

Charity Donovan said...

What was this post about??? Did you say Home Goods is having a sale??? Cking the the website now....

Melissa said...

HomeGoods...that is how i spent my Sunday afternoon too...and my Saturday's's the most distracting place in the world!

stephanie said...

What's a HomeGoods? All we have is IKEA.

Anonymous said...

Change your blog name to 3 and a half men.

Charlotte in Pa said...

Screw Home Goods. Next time you need to go out with the "guys," call Sue and I. We'd be glad to meet you for a beer or two. :-)

Karen (formerly kcinnova) said...

I hate shopping. I'd rather have a beer.
...wait, did you say better than Ikea? ...

Anonymous said...

Bill, I don't know what Home Goods is. Maybe "You need to go out for a beer with the guys" is code for "I need to go out shopping with the gals." I get a more blunt, "Ken..." (There's no way to write the emphasis that comes with that saying: Imagine someone trying very hard to be patient with someone else.) But I do know I would love to have a beer and catch up sometime. Either of our backyards offer a dog, squirrels, and free beer.

--Ken M.

for a different kind of girl said...

We don't have a HomeGoods here - at least, I don't think we do. At any rate, we do have beer here, and honestly, shove a candle into an empty beer bottle and ta da! I just made something good for my home AND enjoyed a beer at the same time!

Cole said...

You're right. Saying you wanted to grab a beer would have alarmed me. Bourbon or coffee on the other hand . . . Seriously though, if you ever want to grab a beer, give me a call.

Anonymous said...

You should just grab some of your boys and go scrapbooking

Anonymous said...

"You seem a little stressed out" Why don't you go finish that game of dungeons and dragons?

Bob said...

we could meet halfway, and then it would only be twenty minutes away. just name the time.

Anonymous said...

I was reading the post like fiction and I was predicting the ending. I thought for sure Ken was going to show up at your house after your wife left, because she called him. Would that have been weird? And take Bob up on his offer. You have some good friends.

The Absence of Alternatives said...

This one is hilarious and sweet on so many different levels. Nicely done my friend.