Monday, March 20, 2006

Den of Thieves

Lauren did not get a good-nights-sleep on Saturday night so in an effort to let her rest on Sunday morning I took Maxfield to Church by myself. We are still looking for a new church and since in the south, churches are like Starbuck’s (there is one at every intersection), I could not decide which one we should try so we went to the old standby, St. Peter’s and Paul’s Catholic church.

St. Pete’s has a small room in the back for people with kids, so I knew we could attend the mass without too much trouble. We took up a few seats in the back of the room and Maxfield was being very good, sitting somewhat quietly, playing with his trains. There was the occasional “shout out” to the statues of Mary and Joseph that were hanging on the wall beside us, but for the most part he was much more well-behaved than the other children in the room. We made it through the readings, the Gospel, and the collections when he started to get a little fidgety. I let him go through the diaper bag to find more toys, when he pulled out two pacifiers.

With one pacifier secured in his mouth and the other switching from hand to hand, I let him roam around the room a bit. He had his eye a 3 year little girl in a pink dress who was playing quietly on the floor with some coins her mother gave her for the collection plate. The little girl of course did not put the money on the plate when it came by; she simply put the money on her seat and quietly counted the quarter the dime and the penny.

Maxfield loves coins. He loves putting them into his bank. He loves throwing them into fountains at the mall. He loves playing with them. I knew that there might be a battle between Max and the little girl over the coins so I kept a close eye on him.

At first Max just tried to grab the coins but the girl was too quick for him and she snapped them up like a professional Jacks player. Max whined. I pulled him away and told him “No”. He tried another approach. He smiled and batted his eyes in an effort to charm the coins away from the girl. She smiled and the two shared a moment. During this moment, Max made another attempt to snatch the coins with his pacifier free hand. The girl was too quick for him again put both her hands over the coins. Max whined a little more loudly than the first time. I moved closer ready to intervene. I could see that Max was coming up with a new plan.

He smiled again at the little girl and he took his pacifier and offered it to her as he eyed the coins in her hand. She looked puzzled, but she was considering his offer. I could not believe it. Max was going to sell his pacifier for 36 cents. I stepped closer and grabbed his hand and pulled him away from the girl. I told him “No” again and made him sit on my lap. He got real fussy and started to whine louder, but eventually he calmed down.

The congregation stood to recite “The Lords Prayer” when Max started to throw a fit. I could not figure out what was bothering him, but he was not happy. Moaning and whining and saying “Nah, nah. NO!”

I whispered, “What’s wrong?”

“NO! Nah nah. No!” he yelled back.

Then it struck me. He thought I was going to put him to bed. We say the “Lord’s Prayer” as part of his nighttime routine, and he was NOT ready for bed. He made a scene and so we left the church. I now know that I need to change his nighttime prayer routine.

Score Max-4 Churches 0.

There is an ironic part to this story and I could not make this stuff up if I tried. The Gospel at the mass on Sunday was from John 2:13-25 Where Jesus kicks out all the vendors that are selling stuff in the temple. My son hears this and then tries to sell his pacifier. I shit you not.


kittenpie said...

okay, it's the last part that makes this truly hilarious. What a great sense of timing.

ieatcrayonz said...

I've had many moments in church when the scripture or sermon speak to me, but THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

Ridiculously funny!

Lowa said...

This was very interesting to read. Very entertaining! LOL I could just picture it all.

We say the Lord's prayer at night with our kids, as well as "Regular" prayers. That is where we thank God for various things, whatever fun has happened that day, what He has provided for us, ask him to keep us calm if something we are nervous about is coming up, to be with our families, etc etc. Some nights the kids just want to do one or the other. I say the Lord's prayer differently than my husband. He says the debt version, I use trespasses. So the kids learned at a young age which one to say depending on who was tucking them in! LOL

How long have you lived down there?? How do you handle the humidity?? I can't handle it AT ALL. We were in SC for 5 years and I HATED it. Beautiful, nice beaches, but the humidity almost killed me.

Anonymous said...

Oh Max, you make me proud.

Lois Lane said...

I love that he tried to sell his pacifier to score coins! More classic Max. Love it!

A new bedtime prayer for Max??
Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my pacifier to keep.
If I get coins as a fair trade, next time at church, I'll behave.
Lois Lane

LizzieDaisy said...

Bahaha. Good prayer there! Reminds me of the "test" prayer we used in college...

"Now I lay me down to study,
I pray the Lord I won't go nutty,
If I should fail to learn this junk,
I pray the Lord I will not flunk.

But if I do, don't pity me at all,
Just lay my bones down in the study hall;
Tell my teacher I did my best,
Then pile my books upon my chest.

Now I lay me down to rest
And pray I'll pass tomorrow's test.
If I should die before I wake,
That's one less test I'll have to take." :)

All I can say is that at least he was listening and learning. Considering the daily readings I did today, you'd better watch out about that. You know the Bible is filled with all sorts of stuff he shouldn't be hearing/thinking about much less doing. LOL.

Did anyone else laugh at the irony of this?

pac·i·fy (păs'ə-fī')
To ease the anger or agitation of.
To end war, fighting, or violence in; establish peace in.

Kami said...

That is way too funny.

Maybe you guys should start some kind of in-home church. Now THAT would be fun.

Unknown said...

You gotta love a man with bargaining skills.

eclectic said...

Oh William... Oh Lauren... what are we going to do with two P&B sprouts?! We'll never catch our breath from laughing!! That's hysterical, Max. Next time, hold out until they bring out the silver coins, 'kay?

Anonymous said...

30 pieces of Silver

Melanie said...

I love it! He is too smart for his own good.

Anonymous said...

too funny!

Nature Girl said...

Great story..he's going to be an entrapreneur! (I think) Stacie

Anonymous said...


i came across your blog as it was listed on TKW's page, and well...i was just too curious to not check out a blog called "Poop & Boogies"

i must say, i stayed when i learned your son's name is Maxfield --- it is the name i will give a son, if i have one (in a few years) it is a family name... how did you choose your Max's name?

i love reading your sappy posts about Lauren - the one about her giving birth to Max was sweet, as well as "things you cant live without"!

anyway - this one i could just see your Max with the coins and imagine his sly little ~smiles~ to that girl with the coins. god sure has a sense of humor...

god bless!

Unknown said...

Bwahahahahaha! Kids are great, aren't they? I love that Max was trying to charm her out of her 36 cents!

Tammy said...

Such a smart little boy. I love that he was willing to sell his pacifer. And, the girl was thinking about it.

Odd Mix said...

The eclesiastic entrepeneur!

I must note he didn't sell the pacifier he was using, just his spare. Smart kid!

Cat said...

Heh. I liked the visual that the Shout-Out to the statues of Mary and Joseph comment evoked... Have you seen Saved?

"All right! Woo! Who's down with G-O-D?!"

And when he gets a little older you can grab him after church and ask him how he feels, and when he says, "Um, fine," you can yell, "I TOLD YOU! How great is Jesus?!"


I heart that movie.

(sorry. rambling. done now.)

Anonymous said...


3 for $10.00

Effie said...

that is just TOOO funny--I can see it now...Maxfield, the Monk...or Priest or maybe just a guy who likes church

he certainly is a crafty little fella! And SO adorable!

Unknown said...

That is hilarious!!!! Yeah, come up with a new bedtime prayer, that's your best bet.