Monday, August 14, 2006

School Bells

Last week school started for all the kids in our neighborhood and Lauren made sausage, pepper and onion sandwiches for dinner the night before. What does one have to do with the other? It goes like this.

Every morning I wake up at about 5:30. Part of my morning routine is taking the dog for her morning walk. We usually hit the sidewalk by 6:00 am. I enjoy this part of the morning. The sky is still dark and the soft glow of the streetlights reflects off the dew on the yards, which creates a strange orange ambient light. There is something peaceful about the croak of the tree frogs mixed with the distant noise of early traffic. Occasionally I cross paths with jogger, but for the most part I am the only person out in the neighborhood at this time. Last week, the day school started, I got a late start.

The dog and I did not get out for our morning walk until about 6:40. The sun was not up and there were dark clouds in the sky. The streetlights were out, turned off a few minutes ago by their timers. The neighborhood was strangely dark. The area I live in has beautiful tree lined streets. The easement between the sidewalk and the street is about 10 feet wide and every 10 or 15 feet or so is a large mature oak (or some such) tree. The trunks of these trees are 2 to 3 feet wide.

The dog and I headed East, stopping every so often for the dog to pee. We rounded the corner when I felt the pressure in my lower gut. The sausage, pepper and onions were seeking their revenge. I looked in all directions to make sure the coast was clear. There was tree on the corner and a stop sign. No one across, down or up the street. All Clear. I let her rip. The fart started slowly but, Increased in volume and ended with a crescendo. The dog turned up at me with a puzzled look.

I felt much better and we continued to walk when I heard a strange noise. I couldn't place where it was coming from but it was a familiar sound. It sounded like a wheeze. I stopped and listened and the noise became stifled. I stood for a minute to see if I could find the source of the sound. What was it? I turned toward the tree on the corner that separated the sidewalk from the street. The noise was coming from the other side of the tree. Then it hit me. I was horrified.

I tightened my grip on the dog's leash and headed across the street to verify what I was thinking. As I crossed, I glanced back and saw a kid leaning against the tree trying his best not to laugh hysterically. He was waiting for the school bus. I did not know he was there. I hurried down the street, as his snicker became more of a loud giggle. I wanted to die.

28 comments:

Teri said...

that was hysterical!

see William, you never know who is lurking. I always say, "wait until I'm in the confines of my own home" at least you KNOW for sure that there aren't any strangers lurking.

jd said...

HAhahaha That was funny, William!

stepblog said...

Very funny! This was my favorite part:

"The dog turned up at me with a puzzled look."

Mainline Mom said...

Of ALL the things you do that you are not embaressed by, you get embaressed when some little kid hears you fart?!

The Kept Woman said...

You were probably THE talk of the playground that day, my friend. Be proud, I'm sure your talent was held in the highest regard.

Anonymous said...

The kids in the neighborhood already have a nickname for you.

Mr Bustass or something like that.

Jewl said...

Whenver I let her rip and Em is with me she says " Pooopie, Momma Poooopie"... I have to remember not to do that in public. At least the dog can't talk.
Poor kid, I hope it didn't stink like day old onions!

momo9 said...

That was so funny! Only funnier would have been if there were more than one kid! They would have kept each other laughing all day long. You are your father's son! Of course he doesn't need sausage and peppers and onions to trigger the canons. He can do it at will!

ieatcrayonz said...

No, you didn't!

I can't help but think of that embarrasing stories section in Cosmo.

somehow related said...

I can imagine the crowd of kids now on your block waiting for the bus!!!

Waiting for Fart-Man to re-appear with his dog in tow.

So, what's for dinner tonight?

Lowa said...

Oh man, that is HILARIOUS!

You remind me of my husband.

I just have one question- What on earth was a child doing outside waiting for the school bus so early in the morning??? When in heaven's name does school START down there?? Sheesh, when I was a kid, it started at 9 am.

Circus Kelli said...

I read "sausage, pepper and onion" and KNEW there would be a fart comin' on...

Funny!

Effie said...

HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I heard a joke about something similar once--a guy LOVED baked beans and often stayed away from them for that specific reason but on his birthday he gave in to his craving and his wife prepared him a surprise, she blindfolded him and brought him to the dining room to go fetch his specially prepared birthday food, and he figured, in this silent and dark room, he'd be safe to let one off before she got back, so he let off a few particularly raunchy and loud bombs before she returned. She took off his blindfold and "voila" Happy Birthday--there were many of his friends, family and coworkers right there with him. Surprise!

maggie said...

oh my god thats histerical!!!
if it was me and my friends we would have said something to you
seriously though it is a bodily function and some times you just gotta let her rip and the people around you just have to live with the smell

TBG said...

Busted in more way than one!

Andrea said...

Yeah, but you know you would have been the one laughing when you were his age.

Seems like I've seen a commercial with this theme...guy helps girl into a car; she let's one loose while he walks around to his side; then when he gets in, he introduces her to the other couple in the back seat!

kittenpie said...

You know you are the star of his cafeteria story for today. You totally made his day!

Lowa said...

Andrea- I saw that commercial too. Wish I could find it on the web, I dunno how to look for those. I almost pee my pants every time I see that one! When Effie was telling about the birthday thing, that is what came to mind.

This was SO FUNNY! I am still cracking up!

Much More Than A Mom said...

So funny! Fart stories rule.

kalki said...

You did a good deed, William. That kid was totally bummed about having to go back to school and you made him laugh. You should continue to fart thoughout your neighborhood, spreading the joy.

Character Builder said...

I wondered what you meant by the "wheezing noise" until I realized that I was making the wheezing noise myself, being that I was trying not to laugh too hard at work. That is too funny.

eclectic said...

"School Smells" might be a better title. Oh Bill -- you crack me up!! Thankfully in this case, though, it's from a safe distance!!

DollyMama said...

Just think--you gave that kid a GREAT memory. He will be motivated to get out to the bus stop every day in hopes of catching you doing something else.

You have an opportunity here, you know. You can randomly go around the neighborhood getting caught picking your nose, farting, belching, singing stupid songs, whatever. The sky is the limit! You can be a living legend, William. Don't underestimate that.

Stacie said...

Embarrassed? Are you kidding? You are that kid's new hero!

Stacie

Kami said...

Ohhhhhh NOOOOOO!!!!

Alisa said...

I got embarrassed for you while reading. That's hysterical. Dollymama said, "You have an opportunity here, you know. You can randomly go around the neighborhood getting caught picking your nose, farting, belching, singing stupid songs, whatever. The sky is the limit! You can be a living legend, William. Don't underestimate that."

But if little Max has to grow up with "the gross man" as a living legend for a father the poor kid will NEVER have any friends!

For Maxfield's and Wyatt's sake... continue to be embarrassed, be very embarrassed!

The Odd Son said...

HeheheheheheHaHaHaHa
HaHaHaHaHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Karina said...

i laughed out loud . . . again!