Charming

I received a phone call at work last week.

Bill: Hello. This is Bill. Can I help you?
Lauren: Guess What I am looking at right now.
Bill: Hi Lauren. Uhhhh? A dirty diaper?
Lauren: NO. I am looking at a 3 foot black snake that is sitting on our front porch!

Now I know that my wife hates snakes. Hates them. Hates them. Hates them. She is deathly afraid of snakes. So what is the first thing I say when I find out there is one on the porch?

Bill: Did you take a picture of it?

She hesitates.
Lauren: You're kidding right?
Bill: No. I can put it up on the website.

She seems agitated now.
Lauren: Bill I am not going to...Fine. Where is the camera?
Bill: It is upstairs. Next to the computer.
Lauren: I cannot believe I am doing this. You should see the size of this thing.Where is the camera? Oh never mind I have it. I was going outside to fix the..OHSHIT! Now the cat is outside. Bill this is so gross. Stop laughing. It is not funny.I cannot believe you are making me take a picture. You know how much I hate snakes.Oh. Oh. It just moved.
Bill: Did you take the picture?

Slightly more agitated.
Lauren: YES. Is that all you are worried about? How do we get rid of this thing?

There are few moments of talking about different ways to get rid of it. I start asking the guys at work for ideas. They tell me the black snakes are harmless.

Lauren: Do you think if I sic the cat on it?
Bill: No. The cat does not have front claws. Spray it with the hose.
Lauren: I am not going out there to get the hose. OH MY GOD!
Bill: What?
Lauren: It just moved again.
Bill: Look just get the cat and go inside and if it still there when I get home I will try to get rid of it. The guys here say they are harmless.
Lauren: Ok. I got the cat. I am soooo grossed out right now. I knew they were down here but I did not know they would sit on our porch. (shudder). Eeeewwhhh.
Bill: I will take care of it when I get home. Brian at work says that snakes take care of the mice. Lauren: I would rather have mice. I got to go. Seeya.

I hang up the phone and start telling the guys that my wife has a serious phobiaof snakes. She hates them and that they totally skeeve her out. When the phone rings again.

Bill: Hello. This is---
Lauren: THE FUCKING THING IS CRAWLING UP THE WINDOW. I SWEAR TO GOD THIS THING IS AFTER ME.
Bill: It's crawling up the window? Brian at work says "No Way a snake is climbing a window.
Lauren: I SWEAR TO GOD BILL! I peeked out the shade to see if it was still on the porch and I couldn't see because of the angle, so I pull the shade all the way up and THERE IT IS ON THE FUCKING WINDOW. IT IS LOOKING RIGHT AT ME!
Bill: Okay I will be right there.
Lauren: It knows I don't like snakes. Hurry up!
Bill: Okay. I will be there in 5 minutes.

Well of course I get home in 5 minutes and the snake is nowhere to be found. Lauren was freaked out but okay. And the best part, even when she was totally panicked she managed to take pictures of the snake on the window. After we laughed about the snake incident. I said "Can I blog about this?"Her response, "Yea. Go ahead."
She rocks!

See Pictures Below.