Monday, January 17, 2011

Frost Bits

"Touch it." I said.

"I am not touching that." Lauren said. She knows my tricks and she thought I was trying to, well, get her to touch it. The last time she fell for this trick we ended up with our third boy. And now, after having three boys there is not much time or desire to be touching anything.

"Seriously Lauren, I am not trying any games I need you to touch it. I think it is has frostbite."

Lauren looked down. I was stretching my waistband out so she could get a better look.

"Oh my God!" She said startled. "It is bright red. Are you okay?"

I winced. I was not okay. I was in serious pain. I looked down. I was shocked of how much of it was shrinking up into my belly. Everything they say about shrinkage is true. I reached my hand down and tried to make sure everything was intact. As soon as my fingers touched the tip, the fire helmet, I could feel it all burn. My lower abdomen ached, as did my groin.

"What happened?" Lauren asked.

"I think my pecker is frozen."

I explained how I decided to go for a long run, after all it was early Saturday morning and the sun was coming up. Part of the Half-marathon training program I am trying is to do one long run a week. This was my first true long run. I always wear spandex-moisture wicking pants under a loose fitting, breathable, mesh sweatpants. The rest of my running outfit is various layers depending on the temperature. It was in the low to mid twenties so I bundled up on top wearing new tight fitting vest and running shirts as opposed to the multi-layers of long t-shirts I usually wear.

When I run, I just run away from my house until I feel the need to turn around and head home. I set out that morning intending to do a 6 to 7 mile run. Somewhere around mile 3 and a half, 30 minutes into my run, I could feel my thighs start to numb and a pain throb in my groin. I started heading home, going back the 3 or so miles. I was running into the wind. A cold cold wind.

Somewhere around mile 5 I could tell I was in trouble. Things started to burn and then go numb. I only had two more miles to go. I figured I could just tough it out. The rest of my body was warm and I worked up a really good sweat. Normally when I run my X-tra large T-shirts and other layers would kind of cover the area below my waist. I was not wearing X-tra large shirts. The moisture wicking spandex was taking the moisture away from my body to be frozen by the cold wind blowing through the mesh work-out pants I was wearing. I was freeze drying my bits. And quite frankly after I inspected the area, it, they, had the appearance of freeze dried fruit. The icy feeling put the "icle" in the, you know, "test".

"I gotta go take a shower." I said to Lauren and I hobbled up the steps.

I took off my pants and was amazed and slightly horrified purplish-red color of my upper thighs. From my waist line to my knees was the color of an overcooked ham. Did you ever spend a few hours in the snow making snowmen and snow balls (pun totally intended) and once you go inside your hands start to burn from the temperature change? That is how the shower felt. It burned.

I waited in the hot water for every thing to descend from their un-descended positions. I waited for the red color to soften to a dull pink. Eventually the burning stopped but I could tell there was a slight lack of sensation. There was also a steady ache from the inside of the, well, just the inside of it all.

I have a pain medication that I take on an as needed basis for herniated disks in my neck. Part of the medication has an anti anxiety element to it. When my herniated disks flare up some of the symptoms are similar to that of having a heart attack. The anti-anxiety meds help relieve the panic stricken, chest tightness stress I may feel during the flare up. I did a quick Google search on Frost Bite and after looking at a few pictures of blackened gangrene-semi amputated digits I decided that I should take one of my pain pills.

By the end of the day, when the effects of the medicine wore off, everything seemed to be fine. Later that night Lauren asked me how I felt. She joked that she was going to sew me a fleece or flannel codpiece.

"It seems to be fine." I said. "It stills aches a bit, but otherwise I think it is okay."

"That's good." She said.

"Although maybe we should make sure it is in entirely in working order." I smiled raising my eyebrows.

"Oh. And how should you do that?" She said rolling her eyes.

"Well I have an idea."

She did not fall for any of my tricks.

The next day I asked Lauren if she thought I should blog about my fozen bits.

"Why would you even hesitate? Of course you should." Was her reply.


James said...

Dude. That's a big risk to take for a little action.

Karen (formerly kcinnova) said...

Sounds like a good reason to give up winter running.

My 18yo worked outside today (28 degrees) in his bare feet, taking down the Christmas lights. Maybe he should read your blog post.

Helen@Leather baby shoes said...

You need one of these

SciFi Dad said...

This post made me uncomfortable, and not in a Robert DeNiro's crack about the waiters during his Golden Globes (pun totally intended) speech way.

Michelle said...

frost bits = bad (for everyone involved)
This is just another reason why I'm vehemently opposed to exercise. It's just too dangerous.

The Ballans said...

This is hilarious - as are all of your posts! I have read your blog quite a few times, but this is my first comment (as I, myself, am a new "blogger" as of today). Anyway, I love your stories and the way you write.


Paula said...

I know it was not funny when it was happening. But it is totally funny to me to read. Totally.

for a different kind of girl said...

This is another reason I'll add to my list titled "Why Running Is Nuts." Especially since nuts were actually involved.

Anonymous said...

I love nibs

Anonymous said...

Red and Yellow and Pink and Green.

I can build a rainbow

Build a rainbow
Build a rainbow too

Melinda said...

Frankly, I am a bit disappointed with Anonymous's replies regarding this post. I mean, man you've left yourself wide open for him!
I can only hope he hasn't made a New Year's resolution to be kinder to you or something.
I takes a brave man to blog about his frozen bits. Hope they are the normal colour and size, as God intended, now.

Anonymous said...


Its all about low hanging fruit

Melinda said...

Anon. I was thinking more on the lines of...'are you wanting to show us your junk, again?' I was sure you'd write something like that.

Melinda said...

Anon. I was thinking more on the lines of...'are you wanting to show us your junk, again?' I was sure you'd write something like that.

Anonymous said...

Kevin Jr. laughed while reading this post the same laugh he has while watching Tosh.0. Impressive.

Suzy-Q said...

I just woke up everyone in the house laughing.......

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