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If everything works out, we will be closing on our house in less than two weeks. So much to do. Does anyone know anyone in PA that wants two cats or that can foster two cats for short time. Or maybe someone that may want to "try out" having pets before they actually commit to the whole pet thing.

Seriously I need to get rid of two cats to make this move work. Email me or comment with only humane ideas please.

Monster

I was rarely picked-on as a child on the playground. I have 4 older brothers, 3 younger brothers and one older sister who handled all the teasing and mocking of me when I was a kid. All of the other kids in the neighborhood or at school also knew that I had all of those brothers and my sister (who they feared the most) so they knew that if they messed with me they were going to take on the whole family. So I was rarely teased, bullied or taunted and if I was, I had a tough skin due to the teasing and taunting of my family.

I never really experienced any of the emotions that go along with being the outsider who is ridiculed, until yesterday.

I took Maxfield to the playground and he was perfectly content to swing by himself as a group of kids played across the way, on the huge plastic play area. The other kids were screaming and carrying on running from one of the fathers, who was acting like a monster. He would raise his hands above his head and moan and the kids would scream “monster” and they would all run away. Eventually the father left and the kids no longer had anyone to run away from.

Maxfield and I made our way over the plastic play area, and he proceeded to climb the plastic and metal poles and pipes and walls and would slide down the spiral slides. I was teaching Max the art of sliding down the slide and using the static charge build up to shock me, when the leader of the group of other kids, a five year old Dora wanna-be girl ran up to Max, pointed and yelled “Monster.” All the other kids screamed and ran away from Max.

Max was somewhat intrigued by the other kids but did not actively chase them. He continued with the slide and shock game we were playing. Again, Dora ran up to him with the other kids right behind her and yelled “Monster”. They all screamed and ran away. This continued for several minutes until Max decided to try and play with the pack of screamers. Every time he got close to one the kids they screamed “monster” and ran away.

I tried to watch Maxfield closely, to see if the kids running from him had any affect but he seemed to just shrug them off and continued to play by him self. I however, felt heartbroken for Max. I was getting mad but I knew the kids were just playing. I told Max he was not a monster and not to be bothered by the other kids. I couldn’t help but say “bitch” under my breath every time Dora ran up to him and screamed. I couldn’t believe how much anger I had towards this five-year-old girl. She was just playing. Just having fun. But there was certain way that Dora said monster that was not fun. It was mean.

I physically shook the bad thoughts from my head and focused on Max to see how he would continue to handle the situation. Max went back down the slide and waited for me to reach out so he could shock me when a few of the kids ran up to him. Just as a little boy was about to yell “monster” Max reach out and touched his hand and shocked him. The kid looked stunned and ran away and his friends followed.

I couldn't help but feel proud of my son at that moment.

La Vie Boheme

Saturday morning I was cutting the grass and I stopped to increase the volume on my Ipod so I could hear it over the motor of the mower. As I was adjusting the volume control I noticed a group of nicely dressed people going door-to-door through the neighborhood. I did not think too much about it. I locked the control switch on the Ipod so I would not accidentally turn it off during my chores, slipped it back into it’s case and then placed it in my pocket. I continued to mow.

Just as the soundtrack to the musical Rent started blaring in my ears I noticed two of the nicely dressed people standing at the edge of my lawn. I waved and continued to cut along the edge of the front garden. The two people did not move. I figured I would save them a trip to the front door being that no one was home and I turned off the mower and walked towards the couple. The song La Vie Boheme just started to play.

The song La Vie Boheme is about the Bohemian lifestyle of the characters in the musical with the lyrics referencing many artists, influences and phrases that are integral to the characters. La Vie Boheme, for lack of a better term is a cross between Rock and Rap, where the last line of each verse is punctuated by the singers shouting the word or line.

I approached the couple as I took the ear bud speakers from my ears and I rested the wires over my shoulder. The volume was so loud that I knew they could hear the music but it was not too loud to hold a conversation. I asked them if there was anything I could do for them. The song played.

"To days of inspiration Playing hookie, making something out of nothing
The need to express To communicate,
To going against the grain, Going insane
Going mad! "

They told me they were promoting a new church in the area and that the were just letting people in the area know about it. They were not trying to convert anyone or anything like that but that they were just giving out information. They noticed our house was for sale and they were not going to stop but since I approached them they figured they would just tell me. They were waiting for other members, who were down the street, to catch up to them. They were very nice and polite.

"To hand-crafted beers made in local breweries
To yoga, to yogurt, to rice and beans and cheese
To leather, to dildos, to curry vindaloo
To huevos rancheros and Maya Angelou
Emotion, devotion, to causing a commotion
Creation, vacation
Mucho masturbation"

I heard that last line and I tried to see in their eyes if they heard it. I grabbed the I pod in my pocket to shut it off. They started to thank me for my time and I have no idea what else they said because I was so preoccupied with trying to turn the ipod off. Because I knew what lyrics were coming next and I did not want offend anyone’s sensibilities.

"Bisexuals, trisexuals, homo sapiens,
Carcinogens, hallucinogens, men, Pee Wee Herman
German wine, turpentine, Gertrude Stein
Antonioni, Bertolucci, Kurosawa
Carmina Burana"

I fumbled with the controls but since I “locked” it, the volume control did not work.

"To apathy, to entropy, to empathy, ecstasy
Vaclav Havel - The Sex Pistols, 8BC,
To no shame - never playing the Fame Game
To marijuana
To sodomy,
It's between God and me
To S & M "

Again I don’t know if they heard it but I found the whole thing funny.

Should I be worried?

I received a phone call today at work from Lauren.

"Hello. This is Bill."

"Hi. It's me. I gave Wyatt a haircut today."

"Oh yeah? How does he look?"

"Do you know Jim Carrey in the movie Dumb and Dumber..."

Educational Programming

Hey, all of those parents of toddlers out there, did you see the episode of Diego, they just showed, where Diego finsihes all of his dinner before he goes out and helps the tree frogs? Or that one show, of Dora, where she actually cleans up all of her toys before her and Boots go out and find the giant chicken, even though the troll bridge troll tells that riddle that is difficult to figure out? Although my kid knows the answer?

Did you catch the Jack's Big Music Show where Laurie Berkner explains that you don't have to repeat a song 100 times in 5 minutes to have it be heard? Did you?

How about the one snippet of the Upside Down Show, when Shane and David actually listen to their parents without whining about it? Did you see it? Huh? Huh?

No I didn't think so.

Sure my kid knows what a marching band is, or that a Penguin only lives in the Antartic...but basic life skills, like not irritating his parents, that will ensure he lives until his fourth birthday????

Educational TV? Yeah!? Fuck that.

I couldn't get it up

I have to believe that the number one reason that people live in Florida is the weather. Today, Saturday, was absolutley gorgeous outside. We spent a good part of the day at a local park, walking and playing and attempting to fly a kite.

The kite I was trying to use was a stunt kite that I tried to modify to work as a regular kite but due to all the various strings and rods and supports I could not get it to fly. I used to be a very decent kite flyer.

In the past, I would go and fly a kite to relax and unwind. It is just like fishing. But instead of throwing a line into the water, you throw it into the sky. You let the wind be the current, like water, and you work the line to keep the kite in the air, like one would work a line to catch a fish. It is very zen-like.


Just look at that sky. Amazing.


Maxfield is still having issues with the big boy underwear.

Maxine

I wrote, last week, how Lauren was using Wyatt to model some of the more girly shirts she was making for her ebay biz, well, now she is getting Maxfield into the cross dressing.

He looks like he is way too into it. With me having some theatrical background I don't know if I should be happy or scared.


"I feel pretty...


..Oh so pretty."

"Man this thong is killing me."

What is the next year called?

Okay, I get the whole "terrible two-s" thing.

But the next year, is that the "Defiant Threes"? Or maybe the "I will have a screaming fit over every thing, big or small, and I don't care, you can go fuck off Threes."?

I think it may be easier just to start giving Max "Time-INs."

Caregiver

The other night Max woke up about 1AM calling out for me. When I entered his room I was met with him crying that there were pirates in his bed. I stayed with him for a few minutes, fought off the pirates, and he went back to sleep.

Sunday night, around midnight, Max called out for me again. When I entered his room I was met with him crying and with undigested bits of potato and corn covering his blankets. Lauren and I cleaned up the bed and Max and brought him into our bed. We grabbed an empty waste paper basket and I explained to Max if he felt like he was going to have throw-up he just needs to say “Bucket Daddy” and I would grab it and give it to him.

I heard “Bucket Daddy” about three times over the next two hours. At some point Lauren started to feel ill as well. I could tell it was going to be a long night. “Bucket Daddy” was heard another 5 times through out the night. Max and I eventually ended up on the couch where we stayed until late in the morning. Max never felt feverish and besides the vomiting was acting very normal.

After 5 hours without “Bucket Daddy” I decided I would give him some lunch. Lauren suggested the B.R.A.T. diet, which I could have sworn meant Burgers, Ring-Dings, Alcohol and Tobacco, but she told me it was Banana’s, Rice, Applesauce and Toast. Max ate his saltines, applesauce and ginger ale without incident and did not vomit the rest of the day. For dinner he had the same and he seemed to be doing great.

In the evening we prepared for bed and went through the normal routine. Part of the normal routine is that he gets a cup of milk, which I gave him.

(It's at this point in the story that all of the mothers and some educated fathers that read this will roll their eyes and shake their heads in disbelief at the fact that I gave him milk.)

“You gave him Milk?” Lauren asked.

“Yeah. He ate and kept down everything all day. He’ll be fine.”

“I don’t know about that.” Lauren said.

10 minutes later “Bucket Daddy.” was heard. Up came the milk and the applesauce and the rice that was dinner.

Mothers definitely know best.

Dishwasher by the numbers.

2- The number of phone calls I made regarding installing a new dishwasher. One to my brother Dan to ask how easy it is to install a new dishwasher and one to our neighbor Joel to borrow teflon tape.

45-Minutes it took to disconnect and remove the old dishwasher.

5-Times I said a combination of words that started with "son" and ended with "whore".

90-Minutes it took to connect and balance the new dishwasher.

4-Times I said a combination of a word that starts with "M" and ends with "otherfucker".

3-Times Lauren asked me if I needed help immediatley after I said one of the words from above.

3-The number of tools the instructions claim I would need for the project.

17-The actual number of tools I used.

15-Minutes is the total time I spent looking for the tool "that I just used" only to find that I was still holding it or laying on top of it.

10:00-PM is the time I finished installing the new dishwasher.

1- is the total parts I had left over that was supposed to be used but I don't know where it goes and I don't care because the new dishwasher works anyways without it.

Sport

I was never a strong athlete.

I have mentioned, in the past, here on Poop and Boogies, that when my dad was the coach of my T-ball team he made me play catcher so I could wear all the equipment because he was afraid I would get hurt.

I think I have written somewhere that the only reason my brothers would ask me to play in any type of game is that they needed an extra guy to make the teams even, unless it was a game of basketball in the driveway. They knew that, even though I could not dribble, shoot, or pass the ball very well, that I had inherited my mother’s legs and that I could box out anyone under the hoop for a rebound. Plus the fact that I have long arms, for which they called me Grape Ape, would help reach higher than other players rebounding the ball.

When I played regular Little League I spent a year or two on my brother The LawnWhisperer’s team. He likes to tell the story of how, one time, while I was playing left field, I was so busy yelling at the third basemen, Rob Reese, for letting a grounder go through his legs that I, too, let the same ball go, the one he missed, go through my legs.

The last time I played any type of organized sport was about 10 years ago. My brother Pat had a softball team that needed an extra man for one game. It was night game being played under the lights at the local field. LawnWhisperer was on the team. I was having problems with my contact lenses at the time and I wore my glasses to the game. There was a light rain/drizzle coming down on the field. They had me play right field so my lack of skills would not impact the team as much.

I played most of the game without incident. Meaning no one hit the ball in my direction. Towards the end of the game the opposing team’s batter hit a hard fly ball that was coming down right where I was standing. An easy out. I looked up to follow the balls trajectory, when the light rain started to splatter on my glasses. The drops of water that were on my glasses, against the bright white lights of the ball park made it look as if there were a hundred white dots falling down on me. I could not figure out which white dot was the actual soft ball. I raised my glove to catch any one of them. Of course the ball lands right next me. The other team scores and I am ridiculed for the rest of the evening.

I am writing this, because the Lawnwhisperer called me yesterday to ask me to join his Softball team.

I expect hilarity and ridicule to follow.

Jungle

Lauren the kids and I were sitting in a booth by a window at one of the local burger joints when Maxfield points to an overgrown area of trees just outside the window.

"Look Daddy. A jungle." He said in his three year old way.

I looked over. "Yeah buddy that's a jungle."

"There's birds and cats and monkeys and PUMAS and (inaudible) and Grillas in there." He tapped the window as he said each animal name.

I laughed and looked at Lauren. "Pumas? Where does he learn this stuff?" I asked.

Lauren shrugged her shoulders and said, "Diego, I guess."

Having seen an episode or two of Diego myself I asked Max, "Do penguins live in the jungle?"

He laughed. "No. Penguins live in the snow."

"But Grillas" I said chuckling at the way he pronouces the word, "they live in the jungle."

Maxfield shot a smile back at me. "But they go pee pee hanging in a tree on a branch."

I did a double take to Lauren. "Did he learn that on Diego too?"

"No." She said laughing and not trying to choke on a frie. "He must have learned that at the zoo a while back. There were a few gorillas hanging from a tree and one of them starting peeing. He didn't say anything then, but, man I am surprised what he remembers."

For the record, I do think that would make an excellent Diego episode.

Wyatt Milestones

It is time to dig the gates out of the attic. About 5 or 6 days ago Wyatt figured out the whole crawling thing. So he has reached a milestone.

Not only has he figured out how to crawl he has also figured out how to crawl over to Maxfield and bother him. So he has reached another milestone.

Also one of his top teeth finally broke through. Sure he has had two teeth on the bottom for a month or so, but now with a top tooth to go with them he can now bite. Another milestone.

Another milestone for Wyatt is his cross dressing. Lauren has started an Ebay business selling cutomized T-shirts. She needed a model for her more girly shirts.

Lauren's stuff is pretty cool, as you can see form the pictures. Go check out what else she has done. Click here.

Pressure

I had just rounded the ramp from North bound I-95- to West bound Route 528, also known as the Beach Line, when I had to press the brake pedal, hard, due to the standstill bumper to bumper traffic that I saw ahead of me. The Beach Line is a 30 to 40 mile road that connects the east coast of Florida (beaches like Cocoa and Vero) to Orlando, which rests in the center of the state. I scanned the two West bound lanes ahead of me and I saw nothing but cars. The East bound lanes, that were coming towards I-95, were empty. I figured there must be an accident ahead of me and that it may only take a little bit of time to get through the jam of onlookers. I waited a few minutes to assess the delay before calling my wife.

“Hey. It’s me.” I said as she picked up the other end of the phone. “There is a bunch of traffic on 528. I figure I may be a while later than I originally thought. Don’t hold up dinner for me.”

“Okay.” She said. “ What’s going on?”

“I don’t know if it is just normal traffic for this time or if there is an accident, but either way I do not know how to get home except for THIS road.”

“Okay. Be careful. I will make you a plate.” Lauren then asked, “How were your appointments in Miami?”

“Everything was going great up until now. I knew I should have stopped to pee about 20 miles ago.”

The Beach line is a stretch of road that runs between acres and acres of either farmland, triple canopy woods or swamps. There are no exits to stop and use a bathroom. “I think I should be okay.” I said half trying to convince myself. “I will call you once the traffic starts moving, which, will be, hopefully soon.”

I sat in my car, inching up a few feet every few minutes. I could feel the pressure on my bladder increasing with every push of the gas pedal and then the brake. I looked around at all the cars that surrounded me; delivery trucks, midsize cars and lots of SUVS, all waiting for traffic to clear. I really had to pee.

I started to eye the right side of the road as a possible place to go, but the land was dense, dense brush without much means to hide myself. Besides if I pulled over I was sure all the eyes on the road would be watching me and I know I get stage fright. I contemplated this for about a half an hour.

As I looked forward, through the windshield, down the congested highway, about a half a mile ahead, I could see smoke billowing from the side of the road. “It must be a brush fire.” I thought. “Man, maybe I should go and help them put it out.” My bladder was starting to hurt.

I called my wife, Lauren, just to touch base and to explain my predicament. “If this does not clear soon, I am going to have to go in this Gator bottle that I have.”

The empty 16-ounce bottle of Gatorade, along with the empty medium sized coffee cup, were the reason I was feeling the need to go so bad. I told Lauren I would call her back once I knew something. I kept checking ahead of me to see if traffic was clearing. I could see the flashing lights of fire engines ahead. I peered through the smoke and could see firemen with hoses dousing a good size brush fire. Just what I needed, not the brush fire, but the sight of hoses endlessly spraying.

After watching the sprating hoses for another fifteen minutes I decided I would have to use the Gatorade bottle.

While idling in traffic I undid my belt and my unbuttoned my dress pants. I was in the right lane, so I kept an eye on the cars on my left to make sure no one was watching. Just as I unzipped my pants an SUV of college aged kids pulled along side me. They were clearly returning from one of the beaches. Their vehicle was higher than mine and if they looked over they would clearly see me trying to pee in a bottle. I waited. The car passed after a few minutes and I started to build up the courage to use the bottle again. As I was positioning myself, a giant van filled with a family of kids slid up next to me. I waited again. I was hurting. Bad.

I started to eye the side of the road as my only option, but I was now close to the fire and I did not want to be caught in a fire with my pants down, literally, plus there were firemen and workers all over the side of the road. The pressure was becoming unbearable. I loosened my seat belt hoping for some relief of the pressure.

As I passed the thick of the fire, my car filled with smoke. It was the perfect cover for me to pee in my car. Just as I was about to relieve myself both lanes quickly merged into one, through the thick brown smoke, and then opened back into two lanes. Once out of the smoke it was open road. People in their cars started hitting their accelerator. They went from zero to 80 mph in a few seconds in hope of making up lost time. I realized I was not going to be able to urinate and do 80 miles an hour safely. I went along with the speed knowing that I could pull over up ahead and not worry about onlookers on the side of the road.

While I was looking for a spot to pull over I kept seeing cows roaming the side and shoulder of the road. They must have been smoked out form the fire. I saw a sign that indicated that was only 14 miles to Orlando. I told myself I could hold it until then, instead of suffering the potential wraith of a pissed off cow. I floored it.

A few minutes later I paid my toll at the end of the 528. I could feel my eyes watering partially from the smoke of the fire and partially due to the pain I had in my lower abdomen. The first spot I knew I could use the restroom was a Wendy’s a few lights away. I, of course, caught every red light. I called Lauren and told her I was stopping and that I would be home soon.

I screeched into the Wendy’s parking lot during their busy dinner time hours. I found the closest spot, right near the dining area with the giant windows and parked. I jumped out of my car almost at a sprint. After the first few steps I realized there was something wrong.

I never zipped and buttoned up my pants or fastened my belt.

Another Year

Saturday is Lauren's Birthday. I can't write a long post because I have to go and buy her gifts. I would have normally bought her gifts on her actual birthday but We have stuff going on. So, by default, getting her gifts a day early is as last minute as I can make it.

For the next three months she will only be three years younger than me rather than the normal four.

Happy birthday Lauren.

O Captain my Captain

I have posted before, here on this blog, that I am somewhat of a comic book junkie. I just heard the news that Captain America has been killed in the latest issue of the comic book. Access Hollywood is reporting it, so you know it must be true. I hope they give this matter as much attention as they do Britney or Anna Nicole.

O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done;
The ship has weathered every rack, the prize we sought is won;
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring.
But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red!
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.

Walt Whitman

It's sad. I have been around the world of super heroes enough to know that most main characters that die will eventually be resurrected, but Captain America? C’mon. He is an icon. He was even the Best Man at my wedding.

Okay, actually my best man was Bob, but he dressed up as Captain America for the toast.

PJ's

Why is it that whenever I try to dress my freshly bathed kids, in their PJ's, that when I get the left pant leg all ready and "open" they will always lift their right leg? Then while they are standing with their right leg in the air I switch and scrunch up and open the right pant leg they decide to lift their left leg. Do all kids do this? Or is Max just messing with me?

1 out of 3 times Max ends up with both legs in the same pant leg.

English

"Maxfield, if you want the train to go forward you have to push the yellow lever." Lauren said as she was instructing him on his new Geo Trax trains.

"What did you call it?" I asked from the other room.

"Call what?"

"The yellow...?

"Lever?"

"Right. You pronounce it lever. I pronounce it lever. I know you can say it both ways I just didn't know that you said it that way."


Quick poll, how do you pronounce it?

1. with the short E sound in words like; SEVer, HEAVen, or KEVin. Lever.
2. with the long E sound in words like; BEAVer, FEVer, or ClEAVer. Lever.

Bubbles

ME: Did you blow Bubbles when you were younger?
You: Yeah.
ME: I just saw him and he was asking about you.

This is one of my favorite jokes. It is kind of like when someone says, "Give me a hand?" and you clap. Annoying yet funny. I don't know why but it is. Every so often I try the bubbles joke. It has been a while.

This weekend Lauren kind of used it on me. I took a sip of soda and it went down the wrong pipe. I started choking and wheezing. Lauren asked if I was okay and I responded the best I could spitting out the words. "Bubbles,..(cough)...went down...my..(cough).. throat..the wrong way."

Without offering me assistance or sympathy, Lauren said "Oh Yeah. I just saw him and he looked happy to me."

I hate it when my jokes backfire.

Do you have any jokes? What are your old stand-bys?

Cake and no cake

Why the world is a better place

Maxfield was born three years ago today. Max coming into the world has had an influence on more than just Lauren and myself. There is a rippling effect on the world around.

Max has given his grandparents (both sides) one more person to love, and there is nothing wrong with more love being spread around.

Maxfield has made me a more caring and aware person. I am not as quick to judge other people, due to the fact that Max could turn out like them. Piercings, tattoos, or even cross dressing is really not that big of a deal.

His arrival has caused Lauren and I to become more spiritual and from that we have done some good deeds that we hope have helped other people. Hopefully those people pay it forward.

Max being born into this world has helped some people deal with cancer.

There are Broccoli farmers that owe their livelihood to Max. The money they make from what Maxfield eats can support a small nation. The economic impact spreads across the world.

I started blogging as a way to keep family members updated about Max's (and mine) life. Without Max I probably would not have started blogging. Through blogging, I have "met" a great many people that have taught me many lessons that I will take with me through life. They have affected me and I hope I have affected them. I am sure some of the parents that read this blog now go to books stores prepared with extra diapers.

I realized that there is a whole new level to the word "cranky". Max, when he first wakes up, is by far the crankiest person I have met. How does that make the world better? People all over the globe now can get along better with their significant others, roommates or siblings knowing that they are not living with the crankiest person in the world.

He has taught me patience, which has come in handy, when I am stuck in traffic and I want to strangle the person in front of me, and I don't. And that person in front of me is probably one of the scientists that is working on the Bird flu vaccine. So I know by Max teaching me to be a more patient person most likely just saved thousands of lives.

They say that a butterfly flapping it's wings on the other side of the world can cause a tidal wave. I believe that Max's smile is the cause of all this "global warming" stuff we hear in the news. It's not a bad thing.

Happy Birthday Maxfield.