Waiting

A few weeks ago Maxfield had his 18-month check up. Dr. R. suggested we get blood work done so she would have a base line reading. A couple of days later they call us and say that Max’s white blood cell count is a little low and that we should get another blood test to see if it is a fluke. Apparently Max’s reading is only .3 (point three) below the bottom range. But it is enough to warrant concern.
Lauren takes Max in again this past Monday to have the blood drawn.

This is the phone call that she got on Wednesday.

Lauren: Hello
Nurse: Hi this is the nurse Louise from Dr. R’s office. I am calling about Maxfield’s blood test. His white blood cell count is still low. It is .3 (point 3) lower than the last test, and, oh…Oh.. . I should have the Dr. look at this. I will have someone call you back.

The nurse hangs up.

Now, for real, seriously, Louise, what the fuck is wrong with you? You would think, in nursing school, they would teach you that you DO NOT call parents, and say “…oh..oh I should have the Dr. look at this. I will have someone call you back.”

The worst part, NO ONE CALLED US BACK!

What the fuck! The guy who treats our grass with pesticides and fertilizers lets me know right away if he sees something that needs to be fixed or addressed and it’s fucking grass. Not a child. Grass.

So Lauren and I sit for 24 hours waiting to hear from the doctor. Nothing. I had to call them myself. I left a message and had to wait another 4 hours for Dr. R. to call me. When she finally did, she told us it is nothing to worry about. It could be that Max just had a viral infection and that Max needs to have another blood test. It could be Max's baseline reading is just slightly lower than normal. If the WBC is still low we will need to go see a specialist. I pray that is not the case.

But if it is, I hope the specialist has the same “bedside manners” as the fertilizer guy.

Fuckers.

Almost Famous

Years ago I used to manage a nightclub. It was a very popular nightclub in Philly. I also used to do extra work and some small acting roles on films or commercials being shot in Philadelphia. This is a list of some of the famous people I have met and actually had conversations with. Some are sports stars some are famous directors and some are TV and film stars. I also have met a fair share of infamous people, like gangsters, politicans and future criminals. I left them off the list.

1. Bob Backlund (Wrestler from the 80s)
2. Bruce Willis (twice)
3. Samuel Jackson
4. Dom Iarera (Comedian)
5. Anthony Russell (Life with Bonnie)
6. John Wayne Bobbit (the guy whose wife cut off his pecker)
7. Dennis Rodman
8. Dr. J
9. Tug McGraw
10.Darren Dalton
11.Eric Lindross (ass hole)
12.M. Night Shyamalan
13.Billy Crudup
14.Oprah Winfrey
15.Danny Glover
17.Willem Dafoe
18.Steve Buscemi
19.Opie and Anthony
20.Pauly Shore
21.G Love
22.Mark McGwire
23.Pink
24.Francis Ford Coppola
25.Alan Iverson
26.Jonathan Demme
27.The Legendary Will Darnell
28.Charles Barkley
29.Tommy Lee
30.John Goodman
31. Boys 2 Men


I am sure there are others I just can't remember right now.

Tagged

MRTL tagged me to do this little game. I usually do not do the tag games. But since it is MRTL, and since it was actually interesting I decided to do it. It was fun to look back over the past 6 months of stuff that I have posted. Lauren and I disucssed printing everything and making a scrap book for Max, so I got a chance to review some archives (Thanks Mrtl).

Anyway here is the game.

The Rules:
1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same.

I will not Tag anyone else. But here is the 5th sentence from my 23rd post.

WHY DECAF?

Is It Wrong......

....to be eating a big 'ol bowl of chocolate pudding with home made whipped cream and a bag of popcorn while watching The Biggest Loser?

PB&J

I made Maxfield a peanut butter and jelly sandwich the other day for lunch. I had flashbacks to when I was a kid.

How do you make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

I put peanut butter on one piece of bread and the jelly on the other piece of bread and then put the two pieces together.

Growing up, I am pretty sure that is how my mom made them. But if Dad made PB&J he put the peanut butter on a piece of bread and then put the jelly on top of the peanut butter and then he would put a blank piece of bread on top. The jelly would not spread evenly across the bread and there would be big clumps of jelly, which would soak through the bread. I never liked when my dad made lunches.

Public service announcement: Check with your kids with how they like their PB&J. It may scar them for life.

The Kid's Best Friend 

Them's fighting words

Three disagreements we have had.

2 Degrees of Separation.
I like to have the air at 77 degrees when I go to bed. Lauren likes to have it at 79. She gets too cold if it is below 79. I am too hot otherwise.
Lauren: Did you turn down the A/C?
Bill: Yes.
Lauren: You did?
Bill: Wait. When you say turn down, do you mean turn the temparature down or turn it down like it wont go on as much?
Lauren: So it won't be cold.
Bill: No. I like it at 77.
Lauren: That is too cold.
Bill: I wake up all sweaty when it is higher than that. Beside you can wear a sweater to bed. It is easier to get warmer than it is to get cooler.
Lauren: I am not wearing a sweater to bed. Beside you can just take the covers off.
Bill: I need to sleep with covers.

Breakfast of champions.
Lauren made homemade cookies. I woke up on Saturday and thought they would be a good breakfast.
Lauren: Are you seriously going to eat chocolate chip cookies for breakfast?
Bill: Yeah why not? It is the same thing as cereal.
Lauren: No, it is not.
Bill: Yea it is.
Lauren:I can't believe you would eat cookies for breakfast in front of our son like that. Think of the example you are setting for him. Don't you want him to grow up healthy.
Bill: (putting cookies away) Man, I can't believe you would bring Max into this. Fine, I won't eat them.
Lauren: But I thought you just said they were the same as cereal? Hah.
Bill: Do'h.

Just a fantasy.
I am in a few fantasy football leagues.

Bill: Do you think I should start Vick or Bledsoe?
Lauren: I don't care.
Bill: You see Vick was hurt last week....
Laure: I don't care about any of them. You just want to use me as an excuse.
Bill: What?
Lauren: If I tell you to go with Vick and he has bad game you are going say it is my fault. So I don't care.
Bill: No I wouldn't
Lauren: Yes. You. Would.
Bill: Okay. You're right.

Max and Mommy 

The kid seriously loves oatmeal. 

Love is...

...taking the empty trashcans back on trashday, before I get home from work, because you know I hate doing it.

Let's Make a Deal

Lauren and I went car shopping this weekend. We are looking for a Mini Van and possibly a used second car. I would love to get a van that looks like THIS. But none of the dealers had that.

Anyway, Lauren is very smart when it comes to money, and I am very much a smart ass when it comes to dealing with, well anybody that is trying to take our money. We make a good team when it comes to shopping. I listen to Clark Howard and Lauren has done a lot of research in regards to car buying. We do not need a new car but we would like one, and one of the lessons I have learned from my dad is:
“The best time to buy a car is when you have one. Not when you need one. You can be picky.”

These are conversation we had with different dealers.

One dealer said he could work up the numbers we were trying to reach. After many clicks on his calculator he came up with an amount that was 10% higher than the number we originally agreed upon. We started to leave and he said he would get his manager to talk to us.
Mngr: This is a good deal.
Bill: But it is not what we are willing to spend.
Mngr: What are you willing to spend?
Bill: 10 % less than what is on this paper.
Mngr: This is a good deal. I’ll tell you what. We can sign today and I will give you another 30 days to come up with the money.
Bill: I’ll tell you what, I will give you 2 minutes to deduct the 10% right now.
Mngr: Let me talk to the manager.
Bill: I thought you were the manager.
Mngr: (pissed off) Well I am, but not the one who makes the final decisions. I make some decisions but not all of them.
Bill: Can you make the decision to deduct the 10%?
Mngr: Can we compromise?
Bill: Sure, Instead of two minutes, I will give you 5 minutes to deduct the 10%.

We went to another dealer who we liked. The sales people were real nice and the managers were nice. We were looking at a van.
Salesperson: This beige interior really makes the inside of the van look a lot bigger.
Bill: Really? Do you think I should start wearing beige underwear?

Bill: You guys have listed here on the features “Carpet”.
Salesperson: Yeah.
Bill: Why? Do they offer tile or hardwood floor in cars these days?


Lauren: What did you think of that used car?
Bill: I liked it.
Lauren: Really? Are you thinking about joining a Bocce club or something?
Bill: Why do think it is an old persons car?
Lauren: YEAH.

Lauren: They need to make us an offer we can’t refuse.
Bill: (showing her the paper) This is the offer.
Lauren: Oh. We can refuse that.


So we did not buy anything this weekend.

Loves his oatmeal 

Me and Max  

Off the Road

I am back. I wanted to thank my brother the Lawn Whisperer for filling in for me for the past few days. I hope you enjoyed him. I know he enjoyed blogging for the first time.

Traveling for work is something that I enjoy doing. Sure, it has its drawbacks, like missing Lauren and Maxfield, eating bad take out, Mapquest, airports, getting lost and other such nonsense.
But it also has some advantages. I enjoy being in small towns or other cities that I would never think of visiting. I enjoy driving and sometimes the solitude that driving distances provides. I enjoy eating bad take out. And this past trip provided me with the opportunity to do something that I never really thought about until it happened.

I had my first phone conversation with Maxfield.

Now Max knows what the phone is but I do not think he knew what it does. As far as he was concerned it was just another remote control to break. He knew to hold it to his ear because he has seen Lauren and I use the phone all the time. But that was the extent of it.

I called right before Lauren was putting him to bed. I asked Lauren to put him on the phone so I could say goodnight. Once I knew he was on, I said hello. Max knows a few words. Not many but a few. We never counted. He knows what is being said to him but never really repeats anything in English.
Me: How was your day today?
Max: Dada baa. Dooo duh duh duh.
Me: Really? Are you taking care of mom?
Max: Babop, baah bah. Ta doo. Oooooohhh.

He started babbling. High pitched mumbling. He was talking to me. He was telling me about his day. Just babble. But I knew that THIS babbling was because he heard me, his Dad on the phone. He was excited to hear me. I was excited to hear him.
Me: Max, What does a cow say?
Max: Mooooouuuuuh
Me: What does a kitty cat say?
Max: Mow
Me: What does a dog say?
Max: Hoof hoof hoof.

Lauren told me, once she was back on the phone, that his face lit up when I started talking to him. After I hung up, I turned on the television in the hotel to watch INXS Rock Star. But, I couldn’t really get into it. I kept repeating to myself, with a huge smile on my face, “hoof, hoof, hoof.”

Kyle Solo, Lawn Whisperer, Luke Skywalker 

Why I Lawn Whisper by L.W.

This is the last installment of the Guest Blogging by the Lawn Whisperer. William Should be back tomorrow. Hopefully everyone enjoyed William's brother's take on things.

I am the self proclaimed Lawn Whisperer. I take great pride in having the nicest lawn in the neighborhood. I love when my neighbors ask for advice, and I won’t give it to them. I recently told my one neighbor this, “Bob, I’ll give you a few secrets, but only if you promise to move.” “What?” he said, looking confused. I said, “ Listen, if I give you advice, and your lawn takes off, then I won’t have the nicest lawn anymore. So you agree to move out of the neighborhood, and I will give you some pointers.” Needless to say, Bob didn’t move, and his lawn still looks like shit.

The real beauty of taking care of the lawn is that I get to do it all by myself. Well, me and Monster. Monster is my mower. It’s short for the Green Monster, named after the famed left field fence at Fenway Park. Monster is a 36-inch, Bunton Walk Behind. I have the rider Velkee attachment that I stand on to ride. My wife got that for me, best damn present I ever got. Me and Monster, twice a week, that’s 3 hours of freedom. Count them guys, three hours of peacefulness in one week. You can’t beat it. This is the real reason that I whisper to the lawn.

My lawn is my fourth kid. I treat her the same as my other three kids. I give her all the TLC she deserves. And you know what? She appreciates me. My lawn has never talked back to me. My lawn has never poured her dinner on the floor. My lawn has never borrowed the car. My lawn has never left the playroom a mess, then yelled at me for making her clean up. My lawn has never hit her brother, just because. My lawn has never given me a headache. My lawn has never called me stupid. My Lawn has never thrown up all over the bed at two in the morning. My lawn has never thrown up all over the bed at three in the morning, after I changed the sheets at two in the morning. My lawn never used the coffee table as a launching pad, and the couch as a landing pad. My lawn listens to me. I whisper to my lawn, and she says nothing back. Did you hear that…nothing. I love my lawn. I take care of my lawn. I whisper to my lawn, and she listens. I can’t tell you what I say to my lawn, cause if my wife found out, I’d be divorced.

Lawn Whisperer presents Kyle Solo

If you are new to Poop and Boogies, William, the usual blogger is away for a few days.
Guest Blogging today for William is.....
The Lawn Whisperer.



I have three kids. My daughter is 21 and in college. My sons are 5 and 4. I am currently parenting at two separate ends of the spectrum. I am not sure which end of the spectrum is more difficult, but I can say that the 5 and 4 year old require a more acute sense of catastrophe stopping skills. That is my position in the family. I stop potential catastrophes. I will let you in on my most recent one.

Occasionally, I get the two boys to myself for a day or two. I do not like when my wife gets free time, but apparently I get more than my share, and have to give her some space.
So my days alone with the boys usually start with a trip to the toy store. I find that buying them a new toy in the morning hours saves me at least a half a day of aggravation. This particular day is going to be a Star Wars day. They have just gotten into the first 3 movies, well the second three, but the first three filmed. You know what I’m talking about, the 25 year old movies.

My younger sons name is Luke. My older son is Kyle. So, we get to the store and start looking at guys. You got the Storm Troopers. You got Darth Vader. You got Chewbacca. If they were in the movie, they have a guy for it. Naturally, Luke wants a Luke Skywalker guy. He likes that it is his name and he says it a hundred times. “Dad, he has the same name as me, I want him.” I say that is fine and grab a Luke Skywalker.
With this I notice, with my keen sense of Catastrophe stopping skills, that Kyle is teary eyed and ready to have a meltdown. “He has a guy with his name, I don’t have a guy with my name. I don’t want a guy. Star Wars is stupid.” This conversation is getting louder, and more animated with every sobbing word. I need to do something. So I do what every great parent does, I lie. I tell him that Han Solo’s real name is Kyle. I tell him that his nickname is Han. Kyle falls for it. Luke buys Luke Skywalker, and Kyle buys Kyle Solo. I get a half a day of happiness. Catastrophe averted. I sold that lie so well, that when we watch the movie, my entire family refers to Han Solo as Kyle. It was a thing of beauty.

And Heeerreees... the Lawn Whisperer

Guest Blogging By the Lawn Whisperer

Hello bloggers. I am not as talented as Bill when it comes to writing. I do not have the same cynical outlook on all life related things. I have an entirely different cynical outlook. I will try to keep you interested over the next couple of days, but if you lose interest, I will not be offended, as I do not know any of you.

I am actually the middle child in the family. I am the fifth of nine. Bill is the sixth of nine. Bill likes to take the middle child thing and run with it. So, I don’t even get that. See, the middle child, getting screwed again. The only thing that I truly am, and someone has to try and take credit for it. I mean seriously, can’t I be overlooked and forgotten all by myself? My entire life I was lost in the shuffle, and here I am in my mid 30’s and I can’t even be the middle child, all alone. Lost again.

Poop and Boogies is true. We ate that every night. The funny thing about eating poop and boogies is that it tastes like chicken. That’s right. Chicken.

From my vantage point growing up, it seemed like we had chicken every day. We had Roasted Chicken. We had Grilled Chicken. We had Chicken and Dumplings. We had Chicken and Stuff. We had Chicken Soup. You get the point; we ate so much chicken, that I no longer like chicken. Now, our mom is a good cook, (that’s my disclaimer in case Mom is reading this.) but why so much chicken?

Now, I married a woman that does not cook. She does not cook, and she won’t even be mad at me for telling the world that. Here’s the kicker, the only thing she does cook is Chicken. I certainly did not marry her for her cooking, but give me a break. She cooks chicken ten different ways. That is the ten times a year that she cooks. So my kids ask her, “Mom, what is this we are eating?”

I tell them, “It’s poop and boogies. You’ll like it. It tastes like chicken.”

Backup

I will be away for a few days ( I will be checking in) on business. Johnny Carson used to have Jay Leno or Letterman fill in for him whenever he was away.

So over the next few days I will have a Guest Blogger filling in here at Poop and Boogies. I have searched far and wide to find someone that could write in the same fashion that I do . Someone to keep the Poop and Boogies feel. Someone that the readers may find humorous.

He has commented on here before. I have used some of his writings before. Some readers may be familiar with him and find him amusing. He is my brother so he knows about how we grew up.

He will act like a back up quarterback. Like Doug Flutie (his favorite all time football player) who whenever gets called to play, does an outstanding job, but is only good for one or two games.

So for the next few days I present to you.............


Shhhhhhhhhhhh.
The LAWN WHISPERER.

WTF?

Lauren sent this to me yesterday. It made me laugh. I figured appropriate for WTF?

Chee-TOES

Maxfield is 18 months old. He is barefoot most of the time. If he does wear shoes, it is usually sandals (without socks) 85% of the time. Why do his feet stink?

Sure he is active. He runs through the house. He plays outside. But his feet are aired out. It is not like he is playing basketball everyday. It is not like he sweats buckets while playing with his Lego’s. He gets a bath every night. I can’t figure it out. Do other children his age have stinky feet?

The other night I was wrestling with him and I grabbed his feet like I was going to eat them. “Pee-Ewwww, Maxfield your feet stink.” He of course is giggling.
Lauren said, “Max’s feet smell like Cheetos.”

“Great.” I said. “Now I am not going to be able to eat Cheetos again for at least….30 minutes”.

I love Cheetos.

Cool

Family portrait. If you look close you can see Lauren in the left lens and me in the right lens.

Maxfield and cousin Bo just hanging. 

Will Power

We were driving out of the Waterford Lakes shopping center the other day. This shopping center is the size of a small city.

“Just because there is ice cream in the freezer, does not mean you HAVE to eat it.”

“But, Lauren, that is what it is there for.”

“Not at 2 o’clock in the morning.”

“I can’t help it.”

“You just need to have will power Bill. Will power.”

Just then, in front of us, a silver car started to back out of a spot to our right. Lauren gives a friendly honk of the horn just to let the person know we are there. The silver car backs completely out of the spot so the driver, looking through her passenger side window could make a face at us. We could have totally T-boned the silver car. The silver car driver raises her hands in disgust and yells something at us. She then pulls back into the spot. Apparently she was just straightening her car out.

Lauren pulls up to the spot and opens my window.

The silver car lady gets out of her car and yells. “WHAT!”

Lauren leans over me and says to the lady, “You were yelling at us. I was wondering what you were so mad at.”

The silver car lady raises her hands above her head, “What! I was just straightening the car out. Why do you have to honk at me? Calm down.”

Lauren, does a double take, looks at me, looks at the lady and says, “YOU calm down. I was just letting you know I was here. You don’t have to be so angry. I was being nice. You backed out in front of me.”

“I know what I was doing. You don’t have to honk.” The silver car lady did the whole talk to the hand thing as she walked away.

I turned to Lauren smiling, “Wow. You never are confrontational. What made you say something?”

“The fact that she is screaming at me, when she was clearly in the wrong. I can’t stand it when people are like that.”

“Yeah, but you were so calm. You weren’t mad. You didn’t yell. I was shocked that you even said something.”

“I was surprised you didn’t say something Bill. Usually, you are always telling me to be more confrontational.”

“ I was just going to call her a whore, but I didn’t. How was that for will power?”

Genetics

I took a genetics class in 10th grade. We covered eye color with Big B and little b. We discussed dominant traits and recessive traits. Attached ear lobes or dangling ear lobes. Tongue curler or not a tongue curler. There were others.

I am curious to find out about whether the following is a genetic trait.

Okay reader, imagine yourself on the phone. An imaginary phone call if you will. Hold you hand up to your head like you were on the phone.

Are you a "pinky to the mouth, thumb to the ear" imaginary phone person? Or are you the "closed fist to the cheek" imaginary phone person?

Cowboy

A conversation between my wife and my mother.

Lauren: Bill was telling me you went to a Kenny Chesney concert.
Mom: Yes it was great.
Lauren: He said Kid Rock was there.
Mom: Yes and Uncle Kracker
Lauren: Did Kid Rock sing his stuff or did he sing country music?
Mom: He sang country stuff.
Lauren: Oh. So no Bitches and HO’s?
Mom: No.

Style

"Seriously Bill, you were going to let him go outside like this? He looks like your brother Dennis."

Two fisting 

On the Road

Two weeks ago Lauren the kid an I drove from Orlando, FL to Philadelphia, PA for our vacation. Needless to say we were going against the usual vacation traffic that heads down this way. Here are some highlights from our 17 hour drive.

Thursday 8/18/05
5:42 pm- Pull out of driveway. I am driving.
5:46 pm-Witness the largest lightning bolt (bolt not flash) we have ever seen, strike about 100 yards ahead of us.
5:47 pm Witness the largest lightning bolt (bolt not flash) we have ever seen, strike about 50 yards ahead of us.
5:50 pm-Stuck in traffic
6:10 pm- Finally start moving at a decent speed.
8:25-Cross the Florida/Georgia border. Lauren starts to sing the James Brown song "Georgia-Lina"
8:30-pm Stop for gas (pay an arm) near Kingsland Georgia. Stop at Wendy's , change Max's diaper, get some grub (couple of burgers and chicken nuggets). Lauren takes over driving.
8:45 pm-Witness on the horizon in front of us, brilliant flashes of lightning. Maxfield falls asleep.
8:46pm- Lauren starts to sing the James Brown song "Georgia-Lina"
8:47pm-Lauren is driving and I am trying to arrange her food so she will not be distracted while driving. I say to her, "Would you like some of my nuggets on your lap?". We both giggle like 12 year olds.
9:01 pm-The flashes of lightning that were in front of us are now all around us. They are so fast and bright and there are so many that appears like a strobe effect. It feels like we are driving in slow motion.
9:15 pm-Witness the biggest lightning bolt (not flash) we have ever seen strike about 50 feet ahead of us. It hung in the air for about 20 seconds dancing on the ground. Amazing
9:16-pm I say "That was the biggest one I ever saw." Lauren giggles like a 12 year old.
9:30- pm Get through the storm. I try to sleep with one eye open.

Friday 8/19/05
1:30ish- AM- Stop to pee somewhere in South Carolina. Lauren starts to sing "Georgia-lina".I take over as driver. Lauren tries to sleep with one eye open.
2:35-am Stop near Dillon, South Carolina at South of the Border (tourist trap that is very creepy at this time of night) for gas. (pay a Leg).
2:45-am Enter North Carolina. There are only four cars on the road. A black pick-up, a maroon sedan, an 18 wheeler truck and myself. We are going between 85 and 90 mph. We each take turns being the lead car for about 10 minutes, before moving into the right lane and allowing someone else to take the lead. It was like a dance. We drive like this for an hour and a half.

The timeline gets a little hazy here because the trip was long. Somewhere in Virginia Max wakes up. Virginia is a deceptively long state.

7:15-am Stuck in traffic outside of D.C. (Hi to CAT, Susie and Mrtl's parents who I think all live in the D.C. / Maryland area)
7:30-am Upset that we do not see any signs for Cracker barrel, we stop at Bob Evans to eat breakfast in Columbia Maryland.
8:11 -am I use the bathroom at the Bob Evan's and I hear a man at the sink say "HOLY! Man, I had to wash my hands THREE times." The food I just ate turns in my stomach. He was not talking to anybody.
8:30-am Back on the road and we see a sign for Cracker barrel about 5 minutes up I-95 from the Bob Evans. Damn.
10:45-am. Arrive at my parents house for the start of our vacation of driving around the Philadelphia area to see friends and family. Knowing that in a week we will have to make the 17 hour journey back to Orlando.

Eating like a big kid.