Thursday, August 17, 2006

Pillow Talk

Pillow Talk a play by William (slightly embellished from a true story)


The curtain opens to reveal a typical bedroom. There is a queen size bed center stage with a golden colored bed spread and four off-white pillows resting by the head board. There are two night stands on either side of the bed which hold reading lamps an alarm clock and a few magazines. Resting on a rocking chair, down center left, are two smaller seat pillows and two King Size pillows. The two king size pillows are a striped golden color with a black fringe which matches the decor of the entire room. There is NOT a sock, nor a pair of mens underwear any where on the floor. There is closet to the left of the bed that is impeccably clean and all of the mens clothing that hangs in the closet is in perfect order.

Bill, a good looking man in his 30s with six pack abs enters. He climbs onto the bed in an effort to get comfortable. It is apparent that he is retiring for the evening. He is fidgeting with two of the pillows at the head board when Lauren enters. Lauren is a thing of beauty, with shoulder length brown hair, dazzling eyes, and a body that deserves to be on the cover of "Hot Mom's" magazine.

Bill:Lauren? Where is the third pillow?

Lauren: The ones that I just made the new matching pillow cases for?

Bill: Umm. Yeah. I guess.

Lauren: We're not using them.

Bill: Why? They were the best and fluffiest and newest pillows that we own.

Lauren: Exactly. That is why I made pillow cases for them that matches the window treatments and the bedspread.

Bill: Well, why can't I use the pillow?

Lauren: Do you want to ruin them?

Bill: No. But a pillow is supposed to be used for sleeping. And they were the best ones we had.

Lauren: Exactly. They will last longer if we do not use them.

Bill: Sure they will. If we do not use them. But THAT is what they are supposed to be for.

Lauren: They are decorative now.

Bill: Why did you not make new pillow cases for the worse pillows and make them be decorative?

Lauren: What would be the point of that? Why would I want bad pillows to be decorative?

Bill:Because then we could use the good pillows.

Lauren: The new pillow cases are to protect the newer pillows, beside, they fill out the pillow cases better.

Bill: But what's the point of protecting the pillow if you are not going to use it?

Lauren: Did you ever see how much you slobber all over the pillows when you are asleep? I am not going to let you do that to my new pillow cases. I worked hard on them.

Bill: But what is the point of having fluffier nicer pillows if we are not going to use them.

Lauren: Oh we will. Once we get newer pillows you will be able to use the pillows that have the new caes on them.

Bill: I'm confused.

Lauren: That's okay. Go to sleep.

Bill: But I need the third pillow.

Lauren: No you don't.

Bill: Why do we need to the pillows to be decorative anyway. It is just you and me.

Lauren: So you believe. Go to sleep.

28 comments:

ieatcrayonz said...

With a woman like that in bed next to you, why are you sleeping?

TBG said...

I completely understand Lauren's thinking! It is very important to have the best pillows be decorative.

Doesn't your aunt send you new pillows for your birthday? Ask her to send you two more as an early gift!

Teri said...

Did Lauren take a debating class in school? cause she rocks at debating!

SoozieQ said...

So Lauren is saying that "Thor" (the tall, dark, incredibly handsome Cabana Boy) who comes to "visit" while you're not there, LIKES decorative pillows?

That's very cool!

Effie said...

Bill. Shame on you. What are you doing reading "Hot Mama's" magazine when you've got one right next to you. For shame.

teehee

eclectic said...

I'm probably gonna take some heat for betrayal of the girl-club on this one, but I'm totally with "William" (the leading male character) on this issue. Decorate with the pillows that you're not going to use much anyway, since by definition, decorative ones don't get used. Still, I envy the mad sewing skills of "Lauren" who, according to the playwright, can do anything (and everything) exceptionally well.

susie said...

Life's too short not to sleep on the nicest pillows you've got.

Surely Lauren's other bedroom visitors want the fluffy comfy pillows too?

stepblog said...

Somehow I can't reconcile "30 something with six pack abs" and "you slobber all over them." Do six pack abbers slobber on pillows? I don't think so.

kalki said...

::whispering::
But what
is the point of protecting the pillows if you're not going to use them?

Anonymous said...

What does the case for your Johnson look like? It doesn't sound like you will using that either.

Anonymous said...

Ask the kid down the street who listens to you fart to borrow his pillow

Anonymous said...

3 pillows? Do you sleep standing straight up?

Nilbo said...

Pillows are for sleeping. Pictures of dogs playing poker are for decorating. The. Frigging. End.

Kami said...

Amen.

joanne said...

Reuben (Ben Stiller's character in Along Came Polly):

"Oh, and by the way, I destroyed all your little throw pillows. Yeah, because throw pillows suck, okay. They serve no purpose. They're purely decorative."

Anonymous said...

More like 12-pack abs?

Lauren said...

yeah, a 12 pack of doughnuts...

sari said...

As long as you don't go psycho on the decorative pillows, things will be ok.

momo9 said...

William, one pillow is all you need! You better bring some pillows with you, when you come to visit, cause there is only one pillow for each of you on the bed in the guest room! Remember the poor children in Africa don't even have one pillow on which to rest their little heads! (That's the mother in me talking.) Lauren is just too good to you!!! Slobber on pillows is disgusting! Don't you dare use those pretty new pillows!

Lowa said...

I thought many things as I read this:

1. What are you going to sleep for, if you have a hot wife and awesome 6-pack??? How can either of you keep your hands off each other?? Worried that Max and Wyatt will have another sibling before you guys are ready?? :) Oh wait. I remember now. When I was nursing my newborns, that was the last thing on my mind. Never mind! LOL

2. Your bedroom sounds very nice AND clean. Must be nice:) Our's is a dump.

3. How on earth can you sleep on more than ONE pillow??

4. How does Lauren have time to sew, with a newborn and a two year old?? People are impressed with what *I* do, and she seems a lot more together than me!

5. And, I tend to agree with YOU on this one, William. Sorry Lauren! IF I did any of that fancy stuff, I would use the older pillows and sleep on the new ones. My husband has had the SAME PILLOW for over ten years and will not let me throw it out. It is flat as a pancake and brown from years of drooling...oh! I just gagged. Don't mean to gross anyone out. But yeah, I WISH he would chose to sleep on a new one! LOL Just goes to show how we are all unique and different, eh??

I am curious...did you go get it anyway or did you listen to your wife?? My husband would have slept on it anyway, in a heart beat.

Lynn said...

Even though I consider myself to be the neat one in the house, I am totally in the 'sleep on the best pillows' camp. Don't listen to me though, I use the 'good' bath towels so what do I know?

kimmyk said...

I believe...

I believe the bad pillows should go in the covers and the good ones should be slobbered on. But that's just how we roll up in here.

Suzanne said...

Oh my goodness that is too funny :)In my pregnant state right now I am using all pillows in the house, decorative or not - at this point I just don't care :)

Ern said...

I'm SO on your side! We decorated our bedroom, painted the walls, picked out a bedspread....That was two years ago. We have made the bed maybe 4 times since. When his parents visited, when my parents visited, and when the landlords stopped by to check things out. Fight for the good pillows, Bill. Fight the good fight.

Mainline Mom said...

You need three pillows to sleep??

samantha Jo Campen said...

You see, with that one-act play, I saw no debate. She was clearly right from the beginning. Besides, she sewed freaking covers for those things. That information alone should have stopped you in your tracks.

Besides, if you end up sleeping on the couch, you'll only get one pillow there, too.

(I think her luva's name is Chet, not Thor, for some reason.)

cat said...

I'm pretty sure I saw this on "Everybody Loves Raymond"...

Or not. But I should have! Because HIIII-LARIOUS?

Alisa said...

O.k. - here is what I would do.... when she is out, switch the pillows. Put the old ones in her new cases, put the good ones in your regular sheets and let her sleep on them for a couple days. Make sure you do it AFTER the next sheet change on the bed so you don't get caught too soon. She'll eventually see that decorations don't need to be comfortable...
people do. Maybe also, while she's trying out the new pillows, make sure she sleeps well during the secret trial period. No heart burn foods, suggest warm baths, maybe a foot rub or back rub here and there. Then when she finds out...walla, "but honey, haven't you been sleeping so much better?"

Yes. I am the mom, but all those 'extras' would keep me from getting too mad. And what's the worst to happen. She buys new, new pillows for the covers and you get 2 new-ish pillows on the bed....

Good luck. Be stealth. Don't get
caught.