In trying to keep up with my new years resolution, I decided, the other day, to try the Eye Brow attachment on my hair trimmer thingy. Here is just a suggestion, if you own a hair trimmer like device, you should always just try it out on a small section first before just trimming the whole thing.
Now I don't think I look as bad as you may think, but man, my eyebrows feel naked.
Friday, September 22, 2006
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Innocence of Youth
While visiting with the family in PA my brother Kevin and his wife Felicia invited us to their house for dinner. They live about an hour away from my parent’s house, which in most of my family’s eye's, is like living in Florida.
Kevin and Felicia have three kids. K jr. is about 10 and two girls, J and A are 7 and 5 give or take a year or two. Lauren and I were looking forward to hanging out and relaxing while Max played with the girls. The girls were very excited to have Max around so they could show him all of their cool stuff. They are both really good with their younger cousins and Lauren and I figured they would all play nicely.
When we arrived, the girls took Max out to their trampoline, which Max called a bed, in their backyard. They jumped for about 30 minutes when a neighborhood girl, Hannah, showed up and they all went inside. All the kids went up stairs to play with their toys.
Lauren and Felicia and I chatted in the kitchen at the base of the steps and we could hear the kids carrying on. The girls were fawning all over Max and he was loving every minute of it. He was happy to get the attention.
“Max look at this.” J said.
“Max, do want to play with the kitchen?” A said.
"See if he will like this." J said.
This went on for about 5 minutes when Hannah, the neighbor, said, “Let’s put Max in the shopping cart and push him down the steps.”
Lauren stopped in mid-sentence and looked at me, her mouth open.
“Did I just hear them say what I think they said?” I asked Lauren.
“Yes.” She replied.
I turned to Felicia ready to ask her about it when she said to me, “They wouldn’t.” She then paused and said, “At least I think they wouldn’t.”
I decided to go to the top of the steps to look on the kids. Sure enough, Maxfield was trying to climb into the kiddy-shopping cart as the girls looked on. I told the girls that I did not think their plan was a good idea and they went off to play with something else. Now I really do not think that they would have actually pushed him down the steps, but there was enough doubt in my mind that made me check on them and I am glad I did.
I know this will not be the first time that Max will do something stupid for pretty girls.
Kevin and Felicia have three kids. K jr. is about 10 and two girls, J and A are 7 and 5 give or take a year or two. Lauren and I were looking forward to hanging out and relaxing while Max played with the girls. The girls were very excited to have Max around so they could show him all of their cool stuff. They are both really good with their younger cousins and Lauren and I figured they would all play nicely.
When we arrived, the girls took Max out to their trampoline, which Max called a bed, in their backyard. They jumped for about 30 minutes when a neighborhood girl, Hannah, showed up and they all went inside. All the kids went up stairs to play with their toys.
Lauren and Felicia and I chatted in the kitchen at the base of the steps and we could hear the kids carrying on. The girls were fawning all over Max and he was loving every minute of it. He was happy to get the attention.
“Max look at this.” J said.
“Max, do want to play with the kitchen?” A said.
"See if he will like this." J said.
This went on for about 5 minutes when Hannah, the neighbor, said, “Let’s put Max in the shopping cart and push him down the steps.”
Lauren stopped in mid-sentence and looked at me, her mouth open.
“Did I just hear them say what I think they said?” I asked Lauren.
“Yes.” She replied.
I turned to Felicia ready to ask her about it when she said to me, “They wouldn’t.” She then paused and said, “At least I think they wouldn’t.”
I decided to go to the top of the steps to look on the kids. Sure enough, Maxfield was trying to climb into the kiddy-shopping cart as the girls looked on. I told the girls that I did not think their plan was a good idea and they went off to play with something else. Now I really do not think that they would have actually pushed him down the steps, but there was enough doubt in my mind that made me check on them and I am glad I did.
I know this will not be the first time that Max will do something stupid for pretty girls.
Crime and Punishment
Maxfield has a habit of throwing his food. When he is full, he likes to take the remaining food and throw it on the floor. Lauren and I have been trying to break him of this habit and have been putting him in Time Out every time he does it. He used to put up a fight, and go to the time out step screaming and kicking.
Last night Max threw his food again. Lauren looked at him and asked, “Max, did you just throw your food?”
Max smiled and said, “No.”
“Are you lying to me?” Lauren asked in a way that only a mother could ask.
“Yes.”
Lauren stood up, fighting a laugh, and told him he would have to go into Time Out. She un-strapped him from his booster seat and he hopped down and walked right over to the Time Out step. He sat for a few minutes until Lauren had talk with him. Once Lauren lifted the Time Out he walked into the kitchen and said, “Sorry Daddy.”
“What are you sorry for, Max?” I said.
“Throw food.”
I don’t know what made me happier; the fact that he went to Time Out without a fuss or the fact that he actually “GOT IT” in regards to what his crime was.
Last night Max threw his food again. Lauren looked at him and asked, “Max, did you just throw your food?”
Max smiled and said, “No.”
“Are you lying to me?” Lauren asked in a way that only a mother could ask.
“Yes.”
Lauren stood up, fighting a laugh, and told him he would have to go into Time Out. She un-strapped him from his booster seat and he hopped down and walked right over to the Time Out step. He sat for a few minutes until Lauren had talk with him. Once Lauren lifted the Time Out he walked into the kitchen and said, “Sorry Daddy.”
“What are you sorry for, Max?” I said.
“Throw food.”
I don’t know what made me happier; the fact that he went to Time Out without a fuss or the fact that he actually “GOT IT” in regards to what his crime was.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Pictures
My mom is always pretty good at getting the house ready for company. Before my family arrived for an extended stay with them she went all out preparing for our arrival. She bought new blankets and sheets, decorated with monkeys and Thomas the train, for Maxfield’s bed. I arranged to have my brother (thanks Jim and Shannon) drop off a Pack N Play for Wyatt, which my mom had set up all nice and cozy. Even the room Lauren and I were staying in was set up as a nice little shrine to me. Our room was adorned with pictures of me, Lauren and the kids as well as old playbills from some of my past theater performances. My mom even had Superman coasters in the room.
I know it must be difficult for my mom, but she remembered to bring out, dust off and display all the past gifts we have given her. Such as pillows and a table runner that Lauren made for her. She made it appear as though those gifts are always on display in her house, although most likely they were tucked away in the family room closet under an old Monopoly game and a Boggle box that is surely missing some letters.
But with all the perfection of the house, which was geared for my family my mom goofed.
You see, as you walk into my parent’s house, through the front door, immediately on the left is a wall of 8 x 10’s of all of her grandkids. There are 22 pictures hanging on that wall from where the front door opens to the start of the hallway. Those pictures, I am sure, are my mom’s pride and joy (those pictures and the one 8 x 10 of her only son-in-law, Tony who has a special spot in the house). But where my mom goofed, was the arrangement of the pictures. Their front door opens into the house to the left. When the door is left open some of those pictures get covered up. Guess whose pictures were behind that door? That’s right. Max and Wyatt.
You would figure, or at least I would, that since we live a thousand miles away that their pictures would be front and center. But they weren’t. They were tucked back behind the door, barely visible by any guests that may be arriving. Once we noticed the pictures, we realized that all the other preparations were just a ruse, to make us feel loved.
I, of course, mentioned the picture arrangement to my mom. The next day she re-arranged the pictures to our liking; the pictures of Max and Wyatt front and center and the Lawnwhisperer’s kids behind the door.
I know it must be difficult for my mom, but she remembered to bring out, dust off and display all the past gifts we have given her. Such as pillows and a table runner that Lauren made for her. She made it appear as though those gifts are always on display in her house, although most likely they were tucked away in the family room closet under an old Monopoly game and a Boggle box that is surely missing some letters.
But with all the perfection of the house, which was geared for my family my mom goofed.
You see, as you walk into my parent’s house, through the front door, immediately on the left is a wall of 8 x 10’s of all of her grandkids. There are 22 pictures hanging on that wall from where the front door opens to the start of the hallway. Those pictures, I am sure, are my mom’s pride and joy (those pictures and the one 8 x 10 of her only son-in-law, Tony who has a special spot in the house). But where my mom goofed, was the arrangement of the pictures. Their front door opens into the house to the left. When the door is left open some of those pictures get covered up. Guess whose pictures were behind that door? That’s right. Max and Wyatt.
You would figure, or at least I would, that since we live a thousand miles away that their pictures would be front and center. But they weren’t. They were tucked back behind the door, barely visible by any guests that may be arriving. Once we noticed the pictures, we realized that all the other preparations were just a ruse, to make us feel loved.
I, of course, mentioned the picture arrangement to my mom. The next day she re-arranged the pictures to our liking; the pictures of Max and Wyatt front and center and the Lawnwhisperer’s kids behind the door.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Back to our regularly scheduled blogging
We are back in Florida. All in all, the trip up North was was very nice. I believe everyone had a nice time and that most of our family was happy to see us. My parents were real troopers for having us for two weeks. As we were heading to the PA Turnpike I turned to Lauren and said, "That is the first time, since we moved, that after seeing my mom, she did not cry when we left."
Lauren said, "She was probably happy to get rid of us."
We stayed with my parent's for two weeks.
Granny, my dad's mom, used to say "Company is like fish. After a few days it begins to stink." and I think we were like fish.
I am not saying they did not enjoy our company but with the new surroundings and what not Maxfield was quite a handful. Here is a list of things he did that would not normally happen at my parent's house if there were no kids around.
1. Assisted with breaking one of my mom's Lennox candle holders.
2. Kept removing a decorative plate above the couch. My mom said Max was the only grandkid to attempt it.
3. He peeled the paint from their tv stand.
4. While my mom had guests over for brunch, Max shattered a plate on the kitchen floor.
5. He ripped down her Irish Blessing wall hanging
6. He vomitted all over her couch and my digital camera (which no longer works.).
7. Max put a rock, about the size of a golfball, into the grill of my brothers Jim's mini van. There was no way to get it out. I am sure the rattle is driving Jim crazy.
8. He smashed a toy that Penny (a neighbor) gave him, into several pieces on my mom's kitchen floor.
9. He drew all over my dad's favorite chair with a ball point pen.
Lauren said, "She was probably happy to get rid of us."
We stayed with my parent's for two weeks.
Granny, my dad's mom, used to say "Company is like fish. After a few days it begins to stink." and I think we were like fish.
I am not saying they did not enjoy our company but with the new surroundings and what not Maxfield was quite a handful. Here is a list of things he did that would not normally happen at my parent's house if there were no kids around.
1. Assisted with breaking one of my mom's Lennox candle holders.
2. Kept removing a decorative plate above the couch. My mom said Max was the only grandkid to attempt it.
3. He peeled the paint from their tv stand.
4. While my mom had guests over for brunch, Max shattered a plate on the kitchen floor.
5. He ripped down her Irish Blessing wall hanging
6. He vomitted all over her couch and my digital camera (which no longer works.).
7. Max put a rock, about the size of a golfball, into the grill of my brothers Jim's mini van. There was no way to get it out. I am sure the rattle is driving Jim crazy.
8. He smashed a toy that Penny (a neighbor) gave him, into several pieces on my mom's kitchen floor.
9. He drew all over my dad's favorite chair with a ball point pen.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Recurring Dream
I keep having this recurring dream. It is starting to bother me. In my dream, I go to use a public restroom. Just as I am settled in, pants around my ankles and all, my cell phone rings. Out of no where, theat freaky Verizon guy with the glasses from the Verizon commercials appears in the stall with me. Then all of the wireless network people from the commercial appear in the bathroom. The one guy even drops from the ceiling on a rappel line.
I then get stage fright and cannot go.
I then get stage fright and cannot go.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Judith Jones
If you Googled the name Judith Jones you would find many different people have that name. A Doctor, an architect, a cook, an actress and many more through the 14 million plus search results. Throughout that search, every so often, a result shows that will usually read “Judith Jones, 53, Woodbridge VA. Pentagon.” It is that particular Judith I want to tell you about.
We bloggers learn a lot about each other from reading each other’s blogs day in and day out. I know more about the life of some bloggers I have never met, than I do of the lives some of my oldest friends. Blogging does that. I want you to get to know Judith Jones. Since it will be mostly bloggers that read this I want to imagine what Judith’s blog entries would have looked like. The following is based on information I have gathered from the inter-net as well as from Judith’s daughter.
July 2000
I went to the beach today. It is amazing how much I love the beach. The beach is absolutely my favorite place to be. There is nothing greater than having the salt air cutting across the beach as I have squeeze the sand between my toes while listening to the waves crash. No I need to change that. There is something greater than that. That would be if I could do all of that and hear the laughter of my grandchildren playing in the surf. I will make sure I take them with me the next time I go.
November 2000.
Thanksgiving was fantastic this year. I invited a few co-workers over to celebrate with my family. It is shame that some of the people I work with are so far away from their families for the holidays. But I guess that is the nature of the military. I am glad that I can share my family with them and hopefully give them a sense of family for the holidays. I also need to remember to bring in a cake next week for “Pat’s” birthday.
Go Redskins!!
May 2001.
I lost a dear, dear friend recently. I knew her for 30 years. She was diagnosed with a terminal illness and it was only a matter of time but it is always sad. I did everything I could for her while she fought this illness. Visiting every weekend. Helping her with her house and doing chores for her. I have two other friends that I help in this way as well. It never gets old helping people. The friend that just passed, I loved playing Rummy with her. There were many weekends spent just playing cards. Now that she is gone I will need to find another card player. Maybe I can teach some of the kids at the church nursery, where I volunteer, how to play. I am sure they will love to learn a few card games.
June 2001
I just love being the “secret mail person” for my grandkids. I don’t know where I got the idea, but I leave them secret notes in the backseat of their car. I always try to leave them a little message. Things like:
Make sure you make your bed in the morning
Make sure you tell your mom you love her.
Don’t forget to say your prayers before bedtime.
Pickup your room before going to bed, that way if you have to pee in the middle of the night you won’t step on anything.
I always sign the notes “Secret Mail Person.” I know that the grandkids love getting the notes because as soon as they get in the car they look for them. I figure it is a way for them to learn a little something from their grandmom.
---------------------------------------------------
Judith was not the type of person to have a blog. She was very humble and most likely would not post about all the good things she had done in her life. She was a remarkable person who loved her family, her friends, her co-workers and her grandkids. One story that was sent to me from her daughter was that in the mid 90’s Judith inherited some money. She ended up cutting a check to her church because Judith didn’t need anything and she wanted to make sure that the money was directed to people who had needs. That was what Judith Jones was about.
I write about Judith Jones today as part of the 2996 9-11 tribute. If you Googled the name Judith Jones you would find a doctor, an architect, an actress and you will find “Judith Jones 53, Woodbridge VA. Pentagon.” It is sad that you will not find out about all the wonderful things she has done. All the different lives she touched. What type of wonderful person she was. Maybe now, after I post this, you will.
I did not know Judith Jones in real life. The imagined blog is based on information that I gathered about Judith Jones and all the good things that she did. She helped others. She volunteered her time to help people in need. She loved her daughter and her grandchildren but she also loved people and did what she could for people. I say again, I know that this will be read mostly by bloggers and most bloggers communicate through comments. Please do me a favor and leave a comment for Judith’s “blog”. Not mine, but to hers. She was a good person and I am glad I got to know her.
We bloggers learn a lot about each other from reading each other’s blogs day in and day out. I know more about the life of some bloggers I have never met, than I do of the lives some of my oldest friends. Blogging does that. I want you to get to know Judith Jones. Since it will be mostly bloggers that read this I want to imagine what Judith’s blog entries would have looked like. The following is based on information I have gathered from the inter-net as well as from Judith’s daughter.
July 2000
I went to the beach today. It is amazing how much I love the beach. The beach is absolutely my favorite place to be. There is nothing greater than having the salt air cutting across the beach as I have squeeze the sand between my toes while listening to the waves crash. No I need to change that. There is something greater than that. That would be if I could do all of that and hear the laughter of my grandchildren playing in the surf. I will make sure I take them with me the next time I go.
November 2000.
Thanksgiving was fantastic this year. I invited a few co-workers over to celebrate with my family. It is shame that some of the people I work with are so far away from their families for the holidays. But I guess that is the nature of the military. I am glad that I can share my family with them and hopefully give them a sense of family for the holidays. I also need to remember to bring in a cake next week for “Pat’s” birthday.
Go Redskins!!
May 2001.
I lost a dear, dear friend recently. I knew her for 30 years. She was diagnosed with a terminal illness and it was only a matter of time but it is always sad. I did everything I could for her while she fought this illness. Visiting every weekend. Helping her with her house and doing chores for her. I have two other friends that I help in this way as well. It never gets old helping people. The friend that just passed, I loved playing Rummy with her. There were many weekends spent just playing cards. Now that she is gone I will need to find another card player. Maybe I can teach some of the kids at the church nursery, where I volunteer, how to play. I am sure they will love to learn a few card games.
June 2001
I just love being the “secret mail person” for my grandkids. I don’t know where I got the idea, but I leave them secret notes in the backseat of their car. I always try to leave them a little message. Things like:
Make sure you make your bed in the morning
Make sure you tell your mom you love her.
Don’t forget to say your prayers before bedtime.
Pickup your room before going to bed, that way if you have to pee in the middle of the night you won’t step on anything.
I always sign the notes “Secret Mail Person.” I know that the grandkids love getting the notes because as soon as they get in the car they look for them. I figure it is a way for them to learn a little something from their grandmom.
---------------------------------------------------
Judith was not the type of person to have a blog. She was very humble and most likely would not post about all the good things she had done in her life. She was a remarkable person who loved her family, her friends, her co-workers and her grandkids. One story that was sent to me from her daughter was that in the mid 90’s Judith inherited some money. She ended up cutting a check to her church because Judith didn’t need anything and she wanted to make sure that the money was directed to people who had needs. That was what Judith Jones was about.
I write about Judith Jones today as part of the 2996 9-11 tribute. If you Googled the name Judith Jones you would find a doctor, an architect, an actress and you will find “Judith Jones 53, Woodbridge VA. Pentagon.” It is sad that you will not find out about all the wonderful things she has done. All the different lives she touched. What type of wonderful person she was. Maybe now, after I post this, you will.
I did not know Judith Jones in real life. The imagined blog is based on information that I gathered about Judith Jones and all the good things that she did. She helped others. She volunteered her time to help people in need. She loved her daughter and her grandchildren but she also loved people and did what she could for people. I say again, I know that this will be read mostly by bloggers and most bloggers communicate through comments. Please do me a favor and leave a comment for Judith’s “blog”. Not mine, but to hers. She was a good person and I am glad I got to know her.
Friday, September 08, 2006
Magic House
I have been spending my vacation in Pennsylvania and will be here for a little while longer. We are staying with my parents. One of the coolest things about staying with my parents is the fact that they have a magic house.
How is it magic you ask? I will give you some examples of the weird happenings.
Before driving up to PA I mentioned to my mom how much I like sausage, biscuits and gravy. Guess what we had for breakfast on the first day in PA? Sausage, biscuits and gravy.
I mentioned to my mom how much I like Dorito's, guess what, the very next night there were Dorito's in the pantry.
While I was snacking on my Dorito's with my mom, she asked what was my favorite snack. I told her Cheetos. The very next day there was a big bag of Cheetos waiting for me when I got home.
Magic I tell ya. Magic.
How is it magic you ask? I will give you some examples of the weird happenings.
Before driving up to PA I mentioned to my mom how much I like sausage, biscuits and gravy. Guess what we had for breakfast on the first day in PA? Sausage, biscuits and gravy.
I mentioned to my mom how much I like Dorito's, guess what, the very next night there were Dorito's in the pantry.
While I was snacking on my Dorito's with my mom, she asked what was my favorite snack. I told her Cheetos. The very next day there was a big bag of Cheetos waiting for me when I got home.
Magic I tell ya. Magic.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Question
Once you have had Oreo Double Stuff cookies why would you ever go back to the regular Oreo's?
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
I am a boob
I keep telling stories about how I am misunderstood or how people do not get my sense of humor. In defense of all my neighbors I have to admit I do not know many of them well enough or I should say they do not know me well enough to get me. I know if I spent more time with them they would eventually get to know me better but until then there will be miscommunication.
Our neighbor Jane called the other day to wish us a safe trip. Lauren was out running errands while I was home with the kids. Wyatt was not happy because it was time for him to be fed. It was while Wyatt was screaming that Jane called.
I answered the phone, “Hello.”
“Hi Bill this is Jane. How are you?”
“Good. And you?”
“Good. Is Lauren there?”
“No she ran out for a bit. She should be back soon. I will tell her to call you.”
“Okay. I was just calling to wish you a safe trip.”
“I’m sorry. What did you say? Wyatt is screaming and I am having a hard time hearing you.”
“Oh. Is everything okay there?”
“Yes. He is just mad at me because he is hungry and I don’t have boobs.”
“Oh Well I am sure you will soon.”
“What? I figured I have another five years before I get them. I mean I know I am not in the best of shape but c’mon.” I said with a chuckle.
“What? I meant I am sure Lauren will be home soon.”
“Oh.”
Our neighbor Jane called the other day to wish us a safe trip. Lauren was out running errands while I was home with the kids. Wyatt was not happy because it was time for him to be fed. It was while Wyatt was screaming that Jane called.
I answered the phone, “Hello.”
“Hi Bill this is Jane. How are you?”
“Good. And you?”
“Good. Is Lauren there?”
“No she ran out for a bit. She should be back soon. I will tell her to call you.”
“Okay. I was just calling to wish you a safe trip.”
“I’m sorry. What did you say? Wyatt is screaming and I am having a hard time hearing you.”
“Oh. Is everything okay there?”
“Yes. He is just mad at me because he is hungry and I don’t have boobs.”
“Oh Well I am sure you will soon.”
“What? I figured I have another five years before I get them. I mean I know I am not in the best of shape but c’mon.” I said with a chuckle.
“What? I meant I am sure Lauren will be home soon.”
“Oh.”
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Long Weekend.
Enjoy the long weekend. I will be MIA for a few days. If you find yourself looking for different blogs to read I have a few recommendations.
So the Fish Said
Beth is Mia's mom and she usually has entertaining posts that range from parenting to her old flames and her hot pediatrician.
Rude Cactus
Chris is Beth's husband from So the Fish Said. His post's are all over the place. Some political stuff (which if you agree with his views it's great, if you don't, just muddle through because they are still funny) to funny pictures and stories. His August 15th post about caulk is classic. He also every so often throws in a hooker reference which always amuse me.
StepBlog
A fairly new blog about being a stepmom as well as tidbits about music and entertainment. Well written. She is a real life friend of mine who I have not seen in many years.
Metro Dad
The dude is too funny.
Desperate Working Momma
Cat has recently revamped her blog and has included video. The video's are hysterical and her writing is the Shiz-nit (You have to read her blog to know why I used the word Shiz-net.)
Dad Vs. Dad
My brother The LawnWhisperer's blog. He is funny (when and if he post's). His stories about his kids are funny (when and if he posts). He loves getting comments (when and if he posts).
I was digging through some old pictures and found one of Maxfield from when he was about 9 months old.
So the Fish Said
Beth is Mia's mom and she usually has entertaining posts that range from parenting to her old flames and her hot pediatrician.
Rude Cactus
Chris is Beth's husband from So the Fish Said. His post's are all over the place. Some political stuff (which if you agree with his views it's great, if you don't, just muddle through because they are still funny) to funny pictures and stories. His August 15th post about caulk is classic. He also every so often throws in a hooker reference which always amuse me.
StepBlog
A fairly new blog about being a stepmom as well as tidbits about music and entertainment. Well written. She is a real life friend of mine who I have not seen in many years.
Metro Dad
The dude is too funny.
Desperate Working Momma
Cat has recently revamped her blog and has included video. The video's are hysterical and her writing is the Shiz-nit (You have to read her blog to know why I used the word Shiz-net.)
Dad Vs. Dad
My brother The LawnWhisperer's blog. He is funny (when and if he post's). His stories about his kids are funny (when and if he posts). He loves getting comments (when and if he posts).
I was digging through some old pictures and found one of Maxfield from when he was about 9 months old.
Often Misunderstood
One of our neighbors stopped by the other day for a brief visit. She did not stop by to visit Lauren or myself but to see Wyatt and talk baby talk. It is weird how babies have that effect on women.
While she was chatting she mentioned there was a Garden/Museum place that, on occasion shows movies outside and that Lauren and I should check it out. People can bring picnic baskets tour the gardens and watch a movie. She said it was a great place for a date. It would be romantic and she said it was only five bucks a person.
I said, “That sounds nice. Can we make-out? Because if I am spending five bucks and it is a movie I want to make-out.”
At first she didn’t quite get what I was saying and she looked at me like I was strange. Then she kind of caught the joke and changed the subject.
After she left, I started to think maybe she thought I was asking her, our neighbor, if her and I could make-out.
While she was chatting she mentioned there was a Garden/Museum place that, on occasion shows movies outside and that Lauren and I should check it out. People can bring picnic baskets tour the gardens and watch a movie. She said it was a great place for a date. It would be romantic and she said it was only five bucks a person.
I said, “That sounds nice. Can we make-out? Because if I am spending five bucks and it is a movie I want to make-out.”
At first she didn’t quite get what I was saying and she looked at me like I was strange. Then she kind of caught the joke and changed the subject.
After she left, I started to think maybe she thought I was asking her, our neighbor, if her and I could make-out.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Dizzying Intellect
One of the things I love about Lauren is the fact that she tries and ususally succeeds to think like I would in certain situations. The most common situtaion she goes into "dizzying intellect" mode is when she is looking for something that she knows I just used.
She'll call me at work.
Bill: This is Bill Can I help you?
Lauren: Hi. It's me. Do you know where the Phillips head screwdriver is?
Bill: I just used it last night to change the batteries in Maxfiled's truck.
Lauren: I know.
Bill: Is it in the toolb...
Lauren: Not it is not in the tool box that is why I am calling you.
Bill: Is it in on the shelf as you walk into...
Lauren:..the garage. No I checked.
Bill: How about be....
Lauren: Behind it? Already Checked.
Bill: On the shelf thingy next to the...
Lauren: Airconditioner? Nope. Not there.
Bill: Did you look on the drys...
Lauren: The Drysink. Yes. Not the left drawer though because you wouldn't put it in the left drawer.
Bill: The mantle
Lauren: I checked.
Bill: On top of the refridgerator.
Lauren: Checked.
Bill: The cabinet where the coffee mugs are.
Lauren: Why would you put it in there?
Bill: Because, when I finished with the batteries I probably went to get something...
Lauren: ..to drink, and you figured you would just leave the screwdriver there.
Bill: Yes.
Lauren: That was the first place I checked. It is not there.
Bill: Oh. Well, then I can't tell you where I put it.
Lauren: That is why you should just put it back where it belongs in the tool box.
Bill: But I love the way you think like I do trying to figure out where I would leave it.
Lauren: But I don't like to think like you ...Oh wait a minute. Hold on.
(Pause)
Lauren: I found it.
Bill: Where?
Lauren: In your closet.
Bill: My closet?
Lauren: Yeah. You probably put the screwdriver in your pocket and when you went to get changed for bed you emptied your pockets and instead of putting the screwdriver back in the toolbox like you should have at that time, you just put in on the shelf in your closet. I knew I would figure it out.
She'll call me at work.
Bill: This is Bill Can I help you?
Lauren: Hi. It's me. Do you know where the Phillips head screwdriver is?
Bill: I just used it last night to change the batteries in Maxfiled's truck.
Lauren: I know.
Bill: Is it in the toolb...
Lauren: Not it is not in the tool box that is why I am calling you.
Bill: Is it in on the shelf as you walk into...
Lauren:..the garage. No I checked.
Bill: How about be....
Lauren: Behind it? Already Checked.
Bill: On the shelf thingy next to the...
Lauren: Airconditioner? Nope. Not there.
Bill: Did you look on the drys...
Lauren: The Drysink. Yes. Not the left drawer though because you wouldn't put it in the left drawer.
Bill: The mantle
Lauren: I checked.
Bill: On top of the refridgerator.
Lauren: Checked.
Bill: The cabinet where the coffee mugs are.
Lauren: Why would you put it in there?
Bill: Because, when I finished with the batteries I probably went to get something...
Lauren: ..to drink, and you figured you would just leave the screwdriver there.
Bill: Yes.
Lauren: That was the first place I checked. It is not there.
Bill: Oh. Well, then I can't tell you where I put it.
Lauren: That is why you should just put it back where it belongs in the tool box.
Bill: But I love the way you think like I do trying to figure out where I would leave it.
Lauren: But I don't like to think like you ...Oh wait a minute. Hold on.
(Pause)
Lauren: I found it.
Bill: Where?
Lauren: In your closet.
Bill: My closet?
Lauren: Yeah. You probably put the screwdriver in your pocket and when you went to get changed for bed you emptied your pockets and instead of putting the screwdriver back in the toolbox like you should have at that time, you just put in on the shelf in your closet. I knew I would figure it out.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Pee Coach
I posted this over at the Blogfathers last week.
My oldest son, Max, is two and half. We have been slowly introducing him to potty training. Right now he is afraid of the toddler training potty and refuses to go near it unless he wants to stand on it to reach the sink. He is, however, fascinated with the regular toilet. As part of his basic potty training it has now fallen on me to “show” him how daddy goes.
Every time I have to pee, I invite him into the bathroom to show him how daddy pees. At first, like most kids his age, he was only interested in flushing. Each time we would go in to the bathroom he would run over to the toilet and grab the handle so he would be the one who would get to flush. He was very protective of the handle. After a few demonstrations, he realized that I would let him flush and he became more interested in the actual act of urination. Without the distraction of having both his hands around the toilet handle he felt it would be okay to try and break my stream.
“Don’t touch” and “No” were not working so I finally told him that the stream was “Hot”. He understands hot.
Now that he has a better understanding of the process as well as some basic language skills, he now feels the need to commentate on what is going on. I don’t know about the rest of you fathers out there but I am not used to having someone give me the play by play as I pee. But my son, every time, gives it his best. The following is his two-year-old coverage of daddy peeing.
“Reddee, set, GO!….Is hot daddee. Is hot… Bubbles? Lellow Bubbles. Hot lellow bubbles daddee. All done? All done.” He then flushes and follows up with, “Bye Bye bubbles. Yay Daddee”
I have not been able to give him the finer points of aiming because I am usually laughing so hard at his play by play that my aim is a little off. He also misses the whole “shake” part with his commentary but that is because he is so into the bubbles.
I know there are tons of books, videos, blogs and what-have-you on this subject, from leaving M&M’s on the tank to using Cheerios for aiming practice but do you think example is the best way to teach?
My oldest son, Max, is two and half. We have been slowly introducing him to potty training. Right now he is afraid of the toddler training potty and refuses to go near it unless he wants to stand on it to reach the sink. He is, however, fascinated with the regular toilet. As part of his basic potty training it has now fallen on me to “show” him how daddy goes.
Every time I have to pee, I invite him into the bathroom to show him how daddy pees. At first, like most kids his age, he was only interested in flushing. Each time we would go in to the bathroom he would run over to the toilet and grab the handle so he would be the one who would get to flush. He was very protective of the handle. After a few demonstrations, he realized that I would let him flush and he became more interested in the actual act of urination. Without the distraction of having both his hands around the toilet handle he felt it would be okay to try and break my stream.
“Don’t touch” and “No” were not working so I finally told him that the stream was “Hot”. He understands hot.
Now that he has a better understanding of the process as well as some basic language skills, he now feels the need to commentate on what is going on. I don’t know about the rest of you fathers out there but I am not used to having someone give me the play by play as I pee. But my son, every time, gives it his best. The following is his two-year-old coverage of daddy peeing.
“Reddee, set, GO!….Is hot daddee. Is hot… Bubbles? Lellow Bubbles. Hot lellow bubbles daddee. All done? All done.” He then flushes and follows up with, “Bye Bye bubbles. Yay Daddee”
I have not been able to give him the finer points of aiming because I am usually laughing so hard at his play by play that my aim is a little off. He also misses the whole “shake” part with his commentary but that is because he is so into the bubbles.
I know there are tons of books, videos, blogs and what-have-you on this subject, from leaving M&M’s on the tank to using Cheerios for aiming practice but do you think example is the best way to teach?
Monday, August 28, 2006
Big Boy
Wyatt had his two month check up the other day and apparently two month old boys are not supposed to weigh 15 lbs 8oz, because that weight is not on the growth chart arch.
Friday, August 25, 2006
Poor Pluto
Man Very Early Makes Jelly Sandwiches Under Neighbor's Porches.
(Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus (heh heh), Neptune, Pluto.)
That is how I remember the planets. I know there are other memory tricks out there for the planets but now that astronomers are saying Pluto is no longer a planet I am going to have to change my little acrostic (I looked this word up on dictionary dot com) because I can't just have it end with Neighbor. That would not make sense.
So people of the internet, can you make up a new acrostic for me to use? Please try and keep it clean because I may pass this knowledge on to my kids. Hell it does not have to be clean but remember my mom reads this blog.
(Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus (heh heh), Neptune, Pluto.)
That is how I remember the planets. I know there are other memory tricks out there for the planets but now that astronomers are saying Pluto is no longer a planet I am going to have to change my little acrostic (I looked this word up on dictionary dot com) because I can't just have it end with Neighbor. That would not make sense.
So people of the internet, can you make up a new acrostic for me to use? Please try and keep it clean because I may pass this knowledge on to my kids. Hell it does not have to be clean but remember my mom reads this blog.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Number one
When we were younger, pre-teens, we were not allowed to curse. My parents rarely swore or used any type of bad language. I should say my dad rarely swore or used bad language. My mother, on the other hand, would use shit, damn, hell and bitch, but always in context and most likely due to one of us kids driving her crazy. She usually cursed towards the end of the day when her patience would be running out. Here are some examples.
Example 1
Kid: Mom? Michael stuck a quarter up his nose and we can’t get it out.
Mom: Shit.
Example 2
Kid: Mom? I think you left the spaghetti on the stove too long. It is bubbling all over the place.
Mom: Damn it.
Example 3:
Kid: Mom? I think we broke Bobby’s (my best friend and the kid across the street) collarbone.
Mom: Aw Hell. I will call Midge.
Example 4
Kid: Mom? Michael stuck his head in the radiator and he can’t get it out.
Mom: Son of a bitch. He will have to wait until his father gets home.
There was one swear word she would use if she was really, really mad and it was usually only uttered if someone spilled their milk at the dinner table. Spilling a drink at the dinner table was one of worst crimes we could commit. It drove my mother batty.
Kid: (Knocks over glass)
Mom: Jesusmaryandjospeh.
My parent’s rarely fought in front of us as well. Sure they would get mad at each other but most arguments, if there was an argument, happened behind closed doors. Out of the earshot of the kids. As we all grew and entered our teenage years we could get away with a few four letter words as long as they were not directed towards another sibling. Any curses spoken to or about another sibling that was overheard by my mom resulted in our mouths being washed out with soap. Also, as we were all mostly in our teenage years my parents became a little more relaxed about their arguing in front of us.
I remember the first time I saw my mom directed a middle finger gesture to my dad in front of me. I was about 16 and I was shocked. I asked her why it was okay for her to flip the bird to my dad when if I did it I would get a bar of Irish Spring as a snack. My mom’s response was quick.
“I wasn’t giving him the finger. I was telling him I think he is Number One.”
Calling someone Number One is now sort of a term of endearment for me. If someone has a smart-ass comment with me, if someone is busting my stones, or if I am having a playful argument I usually call that person Number One.
"Hey Uncle LawnWhisperer, I think you are Number One."
Example 1
Kid: Mom? Michael stuck a quarter up his nose and we can’t get it out.
Mom: Shit.
Example 2
Kid: Mom? I think you left the spaghetti on the stove too long. It is bubbling all over the place.
Mom: Damn it.
Example 3:
Kid: Mom? I think we broke Bobby’s (my best friend and the kid across the street) collarbone.
Mom: Aw Hell. I will call Midge.
Example 4
Kid: Mom? Michael stuck his head in the radiator and he can’t get it out.
Mom: Son of a bitch. He will have to wait until his father gets home.
There was one swear word she would use if she was really, really mad and it was usually only uttered if someone spilled their milk at the dinner table. Spilling a drink at the dinner table was one of worst crimes we could commit. It drove my mother batty.
Kid: (Knocks over glass)
Mom: Jesusmaryandjospeh.
My parent’s rarely fought in front of us as well. Sure they would get mad at each other but most arguments, if there was an argument, happened behind closed doors. Out of the earshot of the kids. As we all grew and entered our teenage years we could get away with a few four letter words as long as they were not directed towards another sibling. Any curses spoken to or about another sibling that was overheard by my mom resulted in our mouths being washed out with soap. Also, as we were all mostly in our teenage years my parents became a little more relaxed about their arguing in front of us.
I remember the first time I saw my mom directed a middle finger gesture to my dad in front of me. I was about 16 and I was shocked. I asked her why it was okay for her to flip the bird to my dad when if I did it I would get a bar of Irish Spring as a snack. My mom’s response was quick.
“I wasn’t giving him the finger. I was telling him I think he is Number One.”
Calling someone Number One is now sort of a term of endearment for me. If someone has a smart-ass comment with me, if someone is busting my stones, or if I am having a playful argument I usually call that person Number One.
"Hey Uncle LawnWhisperer, I think you are Number One."
Monday, August 21, 2006
Question of the Ages
I am sure this question is heard by many fathers, after they were watching the kids while the mother was away and upon her return it is the first words out of her mouth.
What in the hell is he wearing?
What in the hell is he wearing?
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Pillow Talk
Pillow Talk a play by William (slightly embellished from a true story)
The curtain opens to reveal a typical bedroom. There is a queen size bed center stage with a golden colored bed spread and four off-white pillows resting by the head board. There are two night stands on either side of the bed which hold reading lamps an alarm clock and a few magazines. Resting on a rocking chair, down center left, are two smaller seat pillows and two King Size pillows. The two king size pillows are a striped golden color with a black fringe which matches the decor of the entire room. There is NOT a sock, nor a pair of mens underwear any where on the floor. There is closet to the left of the bed that is impeccably clean and all of the mens clothing that hangs in the closet is in perfect order.
Bill, a good looking man in his 30s with six pack abs enters. He climbs onto the bed in an effort to get comfortable. It is apparent that he is retiring for the evening. He is fidgeting with two of the pillows at the head board when Lauren enters. Lauren is a thing of beauty, with shoulder length brown hair, dazzling eyes, and a body that deserves to be on the cover of "Hot Mom's" magazine.
Bill:Lauren? Where is the third pillow?
Lauren: The ones that I just made the new matching pillow cases for?
Bill: Umm. Yeah. I guess.
Lauren: We're not using them.
Bill: Why? They were the best and fluffiest and newest pillows that we own.
Lauren: Exactly. That is why I made pillow cases for them that matches the window treatments and the bedspread.
Bill: Well, why can't I use the pillow?
Lauren: Do you want to ruin them?
Bill: No. But a pillow is supposed to be used for sleeping. And they were the best ones we had.
Lauren: Exactly. They will last longer if we do not use them.
Bill: Sure they will. If we do not use them. But THAT is what they are supposed to be for.
Lauren: They are decorative now.
Bill: Why did you not make new pillow cases for the worse pillows and make them be decorative?
Lauren: What would be the point of that? Why would I want bad pillows to be decorative?
Bill:Because then we could use the good pillows.
Lauren: The new pillow cases are to protect the newer pillows, beside, they fill out the pillow cases better.
Bill: But what's the point of protecting the pillow if you are not going to use it?
Lauren: Did you ever see how much you slobber all over the pillows when you are asleep? I am not going to let you do that to my new pillow cases. I worked hard on them.
Bill: But what is the point of having fluffier nicer pillows if we are not going to use them.
Lauren: Oh we will. Once we get newer pillows you will be able to use the pillows that have the new caes on them.
Bill: I'm confused.
Lauren: That's okay. Go to sleep.
Bill: But I need the third pillow.
Lauren: No you don't.
Bill: Why do we need to the pillows to be decorative anyway. It is just you and me.
Lauren: So you believe. Go to sleep.
The curtain opens to reveal a typical bedroom. There is a queen size bed center stage with a golden colored bed spread and four off-white pillows resting by the head board. There are two night stands on either side of the bed which hold reading lamps an alarm clock and a few magazines. Resting on a rocking chair, down center left, are two smaller seat pillows and two King Size pillows. The two king size pillows are a striped golden color with a black fringe which matches the decor of the entire room. There is NOT a sock, nor a pair of mens underwear any where on the floor. There is closet to the left of the bed that is impeccably clean and all of the mens clothing that hangs in the closet is in perfect order.
Bill, a good looking man in his 30s with six pack abs enters. He climbs onto the bed in an effort to get comfortable. It is apparent that he is retiring for the evening. He is fidgeting with two of the pillows at the head board when Lauren enters. Lauren is a thing of beauty, with shoulder length brown hair, dazzling eyes, and a body that deserves to be on the cover of "Hot Mom's" magazine.
Bill:Lauren? Where is the third pillow?
Lauren: The ones that I just made the new matching pillow cases for?
Bill: Umm. Yeah. I guess.
Lauren: We're not using them.
Bill: Why? They were the best and fluffiest and newest pillows that we own.
Lauren: Exactly. That is why I made pillow cases for them that matches the window treatments and the bedspread.
Bill: Well, why can't I use the pillow?
Lauren: Do you want to ruin them?
Bill: No. But a pillow is supposed to be used for sleeping. And they were the best ones we had.
Lauren: Exactly. They will last longer if we do not use them.
Bill: Sure they will. If we do not use them. But THAT is what they are supposed to be for.
Lauren: They are decorative now.
Bill: Why did you not make new pillow cases for the worse pillows and make them be decorative?
Lauren: What would be the point of that? Why would I want bad pillows to be decorative?
Bill:Because then we could use the good pillows.
Lauren: The new pillow cases are to protect the newer pillows, beside, they fill out the pillow cases better.
Bill: But what's the point of protecting the pillow if you are not going to use it?
Lauren: Did you ever see how much you slobber all over the pillows when you are asleep? I am not going to let you do that to my new pillow cases. I worked hard on them.
Bill: But what is the point of having fluffier nicer pillows if we are not going to use them.
Lauren: Oh we will. Once we get newer pillows you will be able to use the pillows that have the new caes on them.
Bill: I'm confused.
Lauren: That's okay. Go to sleep.
Bill: But I need the third pillow.
Lauren: No you don't.
Bill: Why do we need to the pillows to be decorative anyway. It is just you and me.
Lauren: So you believe. Go to sleep.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
