Tuesday, July 05, 2005


I received a phone call at work last week.

Bill: Hello. This is Bill. Can I help you?
Lauren: Guess What I am looking at right now.
Bill: Hi Lauren. Uhhhh? A dirty diaper?
Lauren: NO. I am looking at a 3 foot black snake that is sitting on our front porch!

Now I know that my wife hates snakes. Hates them. Hates them. Hates them. She is deathly afraid of snakes. So what is the first thing I say when I find out there is one on the porch?

Bill: Did you take a picture of it?

She hesitates.
Lauren: You're kidding right?
Bill: No. I can put it up on the website.

She seems agitated now.
Lauren: Bill I am not going to...Fine. Where is the camera?
Bill: It is upstairs. Next to the computer.
Lauren: I cannot believe I am doing this. You should see the size of this thing.Where is the camera? Oh never mind I have it. I was going outside to fix the..OHSHIT! Now the cat is outside. Bill this is so gross. Stop laughing. It is not funny.I cannot believe you are making me take a picture. You know how much I hate snakes.Oh. Oh. It just moved.
Bill: Did you take the picture?

Slightly more agitated.
Lauren: YES. Is that all you are worried about? How do we get rid of this thing?

There are few moments of talking about different ways to get rid of it. I start asking the guys at work for ideas. They tell me the black snakes are harmless.

Lauren: Do you think if I sic the cat on it?
Bill: No. The cat does not have front claws. Spray it with the hose.
Lauren: I am not going out there to get the hose. OH MY GOD!
Bill: What?
Lauren: It just moved again.
Bill: Look just get the cat and go inside and if it still there when I get home I will try to get rid of it. The guys here say they are harmless.
Lauren: Ok. I got the cat. I am soooo grossed out right now. I knew they were down here but I did not know they would sit on our porch. (shudder). Eeeewwhhh.
Bill: I will take care of it when I get home. Brian at work says that snakes take care of the mice. Lauren: I would rather have mice. I got to go. Seeya.

I hang up the phone and start telling the guys that my wife has a serious phobiaof snakes. She hates them and that they totally skeeve her out. When the phone rings again.

Bill: Hello. This is---
Bill: It's crawling up the window? Brian at work says "No Way a snake is climbing a window.
Lauren: I SWEAR TO GOD BILL! I peeked out the shade to see if it was still on the porch and I couldn't see because of the angle, so I pull the shade all the way up and THERE IT IS ON THE FUCKING WINDOW. IT IS LOOKING RIGHT AT ME!
Bill: Okay I will be right there.
Lauren: It knows I don't like snakes. Hurry up!
Bill: Okay. I will be there in 5 minutes.

Well of course I get home in 5 minutes and the snake is nowhere to be found. Lauren was freaked out but okay. And the best part, even when she was totally panicked she managed to take pictures of the snake on the window. After we laughed about the snake incident. I said "Can I blog about this?"Her response, "Yea. Go ahead."
She rocks!

See Pictures Below.


c said...


While I truly understand phobias, I had to laugh at the pictures because DAMN! That thing really WAS after her!

Lois Lane said...

High five that wife of yours for me! She is a gem for facing her fears for our enjoyment. What a trooper! If there were such a thing, I would nominate Lauren for Most Supportive Wife in a Blog!
Lois Lane

Susie said...

OMYGOD! I would have been the same way - but way more swearing. And I would have accused my husband of somehow making it happen. GROSS! She must still feel icky... knowing it's OUT THERE.

Random and Odd said...

I am showcasing this on Random and Odd!!

Shaun told me, "OMG, I was reading one of your blogs and I WAS CRACKING UP at the one about the snake!!"

I just happened to be reading it at the same time.

I love Lauren!!

Renee said...

I am afraid of snakes and i am afraid i would have pee'd myself! Damn snakes! I hope Lauren wasn't plagued with bad dreams last night! FUCKING SNAKES!lol

Anonymous said...

Eeeeewwwww. I am deathly afraid of snakes, too. I start crying on the spot when I see one - I know that is lame, but I can't help it. Lauren is VERY brave indeed. And I'm going to have nightmares tonight thanks to these pictures. Eeeeeewwwwww.

Anonymous said...

I can't see the pictures, so sad for me because your wife was brave enough to take them.
And black snakes are nice guys, really.

Second snake story in a week that I have read.
Go to
and scroll down to June 28

Charlotte in Pa said...

I am SO freaked out right now. I hate snakes! There is a small creek by my work, and last summer I saw a GIANT snake swimming... with its head out of the water and a fish in its mouth. Ewwww! Your wife is a champ.

Anonymous said...

Okay, I figured out the clicks and saw the great pictures. One brave woman to be taking them for the Internet.

And then I scrolled down and saw all the sewing stuff coming from a lady with lots of talent.
JoAnn Fabrics is a great place, but it is hell for the wallet.

Unknown said...

Ew ew ew ew ew... I'm with Lauren on this one... and my husband would have wanted me to take pictures so he could email them to his friends -- and I would have taken the pictures so I could put them on my blog. :)

Maybe the snake was just lost "Um, excuse me, hellooo?? Where'd she go?"

Effie said...

She's an amazing woman to be able to take photos while absolutely petrified!

What an awful snake to actually come after her--climbing up the window--*shudder*--that would freak me out--my cat has his claws and he would have saved me...I hope...

LadyBug said...

Ew!Ew!Ew! That snake was DEFINITELY after her. I mean, just LOOK at him peering into the window so sinisterly. *shudder*

In other news, holy crap, that was a funny read. Kristine sent me over, and I'm glad I followed her link. I needed a giggle this morning.

Meegs said...

Oh My God! I'm not afraid of snakes, but those pictures freaked me out! It definitely looked like it was trying to get in. EWWW!
Your wife is a brave women.

Susie said...

OK, I came "running" over here from Kristine's, to help with crisis intervention re: "Lauren's BRUSH WITH DEATH," so pardon me while I have a shot of whiskey and calm down.

Lauren is awesome. But we knew that. Kristine is cruel. I guess we kinda knew that, too, always making people cry over there ;)

Anonymous said...

Lauren is a Kickboxer or Karate expert isn't she? All she needed to do is a little Kung Fu Fighting.
Next Time, don't send the clawless cat out there, send Luna.

Joseph said...

THAT!!! THAAAAT was awesome! Thank the wife for the excellent material. he he he!

Too funny! My cousin can't even see snakes in pictures or on tv. Can I tell you how much fun I had at her expense? TONS! (I am evil)

Random and Odd said...


Thanks for the comment on my blog. I read a lot of funny stuff, but when you can get Shaun laughing then I knew it was going to be good.

When you read something THIS funny, you have to share it!!

I was even reading this to my non-blogging friends!!

Lauren...wife of the year award!

Cat said...

Why am I not seeing pictures? I want to see pictures!

Peanutt said...

Came here via Kristine at Random and Odd! Love the snake story! I am adding you to my daily reads! Very interesting stuff!