Saturday in the Park

Loves not having the High Chair 

Watcha Eating

This did not happen to me. But I got a phone call telling me this story. I will try to repeat the story as it was told to me.

“So, I had to run out at lunch today to buy my kid his birthday presents, right. I go to Wal-Mart and I get him a few things and I realize I should run over to Target, because they have a better selection of toys he would like. On my way to Target I stop at Burger King to pick up lunch.

I pull into the Target parking lot and I see a space open right up front. I pull in and figure I would finish my lunch while sitting in my car with the AC on. As I am pulling
into the parking spot I see this old guy kind of wave to me but I don’t think anything of it. He waves to me again so I waved back. So, I am sitting there eating my cheeseburger when the old guy walks over and get into the passenger seat of the car. He sits down and says, “That Air conditioning feels good.” I didn’t say anything. I don’t know why.

So then the old guy says,
“Whatcha eating?”
I said “A cheeseburger”.
The old guy says “From where?”
I said, “Burger king”
Then the old guy starts telling me that he ate at the diner this morning so he is not hungry and he tells me what he had. We had this conversation while I was finishing my burger.

After like 2 maybe 5 minutes I finally say to the old guy. “Sir? Who are you?”
The old looks over at me and says. “Oh my god! I thought you were my son picking me up.” I couldn’t help but start laughing in the guys face. He was embarrassed. I was embarrassed because I am so into my lunch that I let some stranger sit in my car with me and carry a conversation. I felt bad for the guy. But then I am thinking, maybe this guy is the front man for some carjacker. Or maybe he is setting me up to be robbed. So I got a little freaked out.

Just then a car similar to mine pulls up, and a guy gets out. Now I am thinking I am going to be robbed. The old guy gets out of the car and the man that just pulled up says, “Dad? What are doing?”

I started laughing hysterically. I felt bad, because maybe the old guy had Alzheimer’s or something. But his son is all embarrassed. The Old guy is all embarrassed. And I realized that the old guy just thought I was his son picking him up. He just wasn’t paying attention. But the entire time he was in my car he didn’t
look over at me. You would think my voice would have given it away.

Then I am thinking Why Did I sit there and have a conversation with him?

I keep laughing about this story even though it was told to me last week.

Mending Fences

We received a letter in the mail on Saturday stating that we were in violation of our deed restrictions issued by the Home Owner Association (HOA). The violation states that we need to repair or replace our fence. There is a problem.

We don’t have a fence. Each of our neighbors, left side, right side and back, all have fences.

Sunday I am out back spraying weed killer when I hear a lady call to me.
“Excuse me.” She said peering through a large hole in the fence in the backyard.

“Yes?” I responded while trying to cover my pasty white, shirtless chest.

“Hi, “she said, “I’m Dot (not her real name). I live here on this side of the fence. I don’t know if it was you that I talked to after the hurricane, but this fence needs to get fixed.”

“Hi. I’m Bill. I just moved in a few months ago so it was not me you talked to. I am under the impression that this fence is yours.”

“Oh. Well I thought it was yours. It is looking pretty ratty and it needs to get fixed.”

“When I bought the house I was told it was your fence and that all this landscaping on my side was done to hide the fence.”

“Well maybe we can work something out to get this fixed. You should see it from my side. It looks horrible.”

“Okay. Let me look at my deed and paper work and I will see if the fence is mine. IF it is, I will try to take care of it but I have thousands of other things to do first.”

She shook her head, “Well I'll check my paper work and let you know if it is mine. Sorry we are meeting under these circumstances.” She turned to leave.

“Don’t worry about it. We’ll figure something out.”

Two things come to my mind after this conversation.
1. I am totally embarrassed about not having a shirt on for the first time I meet a neighbor.
2. This skank called the HOA to report the fence.

I put on my shirt, grabbed the digital camera and went on a mission. I took pictures of the fence from my side, through the holes in the fence and over the fence. This fence clearly goes all around her property. I walked around the block and took pictures of the fence, in the same “ratty” condition on the front of her house. On the right side of her property are fence posts that match the fence in the back. I was gathering evidence.

Monday, Lauren goes out to get the mail and on our doorknob is a flyer for a fence contractor. Coincidence? I don’ t think so. I think one of the board members of our HOA is a fence contractor. Or, maybe, DOT herself is on the HOA board. There is a conspiracy going on here.

Mimi's

Friday night Lauren, my mother in law, Maxfield and myself went out to dinner. We went to Mimi’s Café. We were only seated for 2 minutes when a server came by and dropped off a plate of Cheerios and orange slices for Max. We didn’t ask for it. They just did it. With the plate was also a plastic disposable bib and wipes. Genius. Super Genius. Mimi’s is now my favorite restaurant. Ever.

To the Batmobile! 

Prodigal Son

We will be traveling back up to Pennsylvania in August. This will be the first visit “home” since we moved 1000 miles south and 8 states away. We will be staying with my parents. My mom is quite excited to have Maxfield staying with her. Lauren and I are merely Max’s means of transportation to PA.

Mom sent out an email to my siblings. Part of it read …"we will have a family get together to welcome the Florida (our Last Name), who will be visiting for a week. Hope the date is good for all. This way everyone will have a chance to touch base with the family, and see how Maxfield has grown. It will be casual. We'll have food and drink. Not sure yet what the menu will be. Time wise, it will be afternoon say, around 2:30 or so, till whenever. Please let me know if you are coming. "

I think it is very nice that my mom is arranging to have a gathering for us. It will be easier than Lauren and I trying to visit everyone while we are there. My other brother’s have already started with the barrage of comments.

Lawn Whisperer replied to all: "This is an outrage! How come he gets a special day? Memorial Day, Labor Day, Presidents Day, and Bill Day. That is amazing. Bill, you should be honored. Jim never had a Day, and Tony (brother in law) has yet to have a Day. That is impressive that you leap frogged those two. August **st is now Bill Day. The same guy that makes fun of us over the internet. The Blogosphere is filled with jokes about us, and incriminating pictures because of Bill, but he gets a Day. I am not jealous. No."

Dan replied to all: "I moved to Florida for a short period of time..............YEAH, NO PARTY
I have been in New Jersey for 12 years now, and not once has someone had a party for me because I moved out of state............NO PARTY Bill, who must be MOM'S 2nd favorite son, has been gone for maybe 4 months and is getting a summer bash. I think we should make it just like old times and get a little rowdy so the Police Department have something to do on that weekend. I hear it has been a little quiet around there since we all moved away with the exception of Mike and Baby Jesus (The Favorite)."

I have not heard of any other fall out from my other siblings.
John (LW) did call me to tell me he is calling his local congressman to see if it can be a National Holiday. He said, "Oh I am wiriting it in my calendar right now. Next year there better be a Bill Day."

I know I am loved.

Pimp My Blog

I have a new look. Kristine from Random and Odd and Shaun from Slow Children at Play designed the new look. I would recommend that anyone who does not visit their sites on a regular basis should vist. They Pimped my Blog and I thnk it looks great. When you visit Random and Odd make sure that you click on the adds Kristine has listed so she can make some money and buy a new camera lens.

Do I have something on my face? 

Fatal Accident.....

......On Sesame Street!

56 Minutes

My brother Jim was in town for a few days. He was busy coaching in a basketball tournament with my Uncle Jerry so I only got to see him in short clips. Jim is the youngest out of the 9 of us. He is also my mother’s favorite son. As a matter of fact I received a phone call from my mother to make sure that Jim was picked up at the airport and that he was fine. My dad pointed out that my mom only called because it was Jim. If it were any one of us, besides Jim, she would not have called. After I thought about it, she never called when my brother Kevin was in town. So it becomes even clearer that Jim is her favorite.

Jim and Uncle Jerry came by the house and visited for a while. It was nice for Max to see some of his relatives, although he was acting all shy for most of the visit. During our conversation Jim mentioned that he is getting much more insight into Lauren from the stuff that I post here. We also had dinner with Jim on Sunday night.

Mom,
He is doing fine and he flies out today (Monday) I am now relinquishing all responsibilities of my 30 year old brother, who is married and has three kids, back to you.

During the visit my Uncle Jerry mentioned that he has seen me more in the past few days than he normally would see me if I was living in Pennsylvania. He, as well as my dad, tends to think that I am anti-social when it comes to family functions. Just for the record, for 8 years I worked in the nightclub and restaurant business I rarely attended family parties and functions because I had to work. If the party was in the afternoon, I was usually asleep because I worked until 4 in the morning. If the party was at night, I was working. I had to make a living.
Also some family functions are based around events that either do not interest me such as the yearly 4 day golf outing (I do not golf as of yet), the family fantasy football league (I love fantasy football but have never been invited to be in the family league) or engagement parties, which I feel, is a strange party to have.

I have 8 siblings who are all married, 19 nieces and nephews, 22 aunts and uncles by blood or marriage, and 45 first cousins. I have made attempts to attend every graduation party. I have been at every one of my first cousins weddings (those that have gotten married). And I have made attempts or have attended every other type of party that comes around. That is NOT anti-social. Sure I am the co-founder of the 56 Minute Rule ©1985-2005, but hey, I try.

56 Minute Rule © 1985-2005

My brother John, AKA the Lawn Whisperer, and I, in our teens established the 56 Minute Rule. For events and parties that were going to be attended by a lot of people we would show up and leave in 56 minutes. We established that 56 minutes is the perfect amount of time to:
1. Greet most people
2. Have a soda or cocktail
3. Eat a snack
4. Work the room so people could see that we were at the event
5. And say goodbye to people that we did not greet.
56 minutes is the perfect amount of time to make a presence and have people see you and then leave to go do other things. There is an art to it. We perfected it. This may sound anti-social but there are people who would not even attend these parties. That is anti-social.

I am not mad about the observation of being anti-social. I am just trying to clarify the situation.

On another note, Emily is coming. Not the hurricane. My mother-in- law, Emily. If it was the hurricane we would be busy nailing plywood to the windows and making sure the house was secure. Since it is the mother-in-law, Emily, we are busy cleaning and vacuuming and making the house sparkle. I am not sure which requires more work.

The Kid Wants Out

The Dog Looks Scary (I know my Mom is going to hate this picture). 

SCORE:Lauren 9,974-Bill 4 now 5

We moved into our new house/new state about 4 months ago. Lauren has been itching to make some improvements on our house. She has already painted the dining room and the front door. She has already made curtains for the kitchen, the dining room and the bedroom. Now she is working on the living room.

She usually asks me about colors and ideas. We exchange ideas. I offer my opinion my ideas. Then we go with HER idea and her opinion. I realize she has a better eye for this type of stuff. I also realize that she watches way too much HGTV. I could swear Max knows the theme music from Design on Dime.

The living room is just white. It is a big room. So it is a lot white. Lauren decides that two of the walls will be painted a tan type color. I call the color Almond. It is not the color of the outside of the almond but more like the inside. The other two walls will be painted a dark earthy green from the chair rail to the ceiling and the bottom half will be covered with fabric. Some type of starching process that will make the fabric stick to the wall like wallpaper, which I am sure she saw on Designer Finals, or Devine Design or Decorating Cents (do you see a pattern here).

Lauren went and picked out a plaid fabric that she liked and got six yards for 12 bucks. She held it up to the green wall and asked what I thought about it. Now I know full well that what I say usually does not matter but I looked at it and due to some of the red in the plaid pattern I said, “I like it, but it looks like Christmas.” She looked disappointed.

“Really? You think? Hold it up there for me so I can look at it from over there.”

We changed places in the room. I held the fabric to the wall.

“You know Bill, I think you are right. I will have to get a different fabric.”

Did you hear that everyone. I was right when it came to decorating and design. Woo Hoo. On the rare occasions that I am right, I usually perform a little happy dance and sing an incoherent happy song. But this time I did not. I was stunned because she agreed with me on the design. I felt like Christopher Lowell.

Lauren went out the next day and spent more money of fabric so maybe I was not a winner after all.

Slip Sliding Away

The other day I was mowing the yard after work. As I was making my East/West cuts across the front lawn (last week I did North/South. According to the Lawn Whisperer you should never cut your grass the same way two weeks in a row.) Lauren came out with Maxfield and said she was running to the store.

Since it was hot and humid I was quite sweaty and gross and I jumped in the shower. While I was in there Lauren returned and started calling my name.

“Bill?”
“Bill?”
“Bill!”

I called out from the bathroom, “I’m in the shower!”

Her and Max enter the bathroom. “Bill if the guy behind the counter at Publix offers Max a cookie, this is why you should never say chocolate chip is Okay.”
I slide the smoked glass door to get a better look. Max is standing there, all smiles, covered in chocolate. His hands spread wide to show me all the chocolaty goodness in between his fingers. Clumps of chocolate were freckling his face and hair.

“Take off his clothes and give him to me. I will clean him up in here.” I said.

Lauren removes his clothes and hands him over to me so I can use the hand held showerhead to rinse him down. “I am going to bring the bags in." She said and she left.

I get him all cleaned up and dry him off. I wrap the towel around my waist and take Max into the bedroom. I need to get dressed so I could take him upstairs and put him in his pajamas. I turn to get my socks out of the drawer when I hear Max giggle. I turn to see what is so funny.

There, standing in the middle of my bedroom, Max is laughing at the stream of pee that he has discovered coming out of him. He looked like one of those cement fountains. The expression on his face is like “OH that is what this does”. As he is piddling on the hardwood floors, he decides to see if he could catch it. He was like a dog chasing its tail. He is following his own stream of pee.

“Max, NO!” I yelled just a little too late.

His feet caught the puddle and like cartoon character trying to run, his legs are moving but he is not going anywhere. I could have sworn I heard the Scooby Doo running sound effect, doodleloo doodleloo doodleloo doodleloo. And before I could get to him, he crashes down in his own pee, landing on his knees. He started to cry.

I pick him up to check to see if he is injured. He seemed fine. He was dripping with pee. Now since I picked him up, I am covered in pee. We both needed to take showers again.

I am sure glad he is not at the age where I would have to kiss his knee to make it better

The Wedding Story

This is a long story.
July 13
Lauren and I were married 3 years ago today. I proposed to her in December and 7 months later we were married. I am sure there are all types of weird, dramatic, hectic, catastrophic and funny wedding stories out there. But I laugh every time I think of our wedding and figured I would share.

When Lauren and I decided to get married we both agreed that we did not want a long engagement. We were already “living in sin” for a few years so it would be easier to plan. We also agreed that we wanted an outdoor wedding with casual dress, picnic type games and karaoke. Neither Lauren or I are big fans of Karaoke but we both knew that our families would have fun with it as well as not too many weddings let their guests be part of the entertainment.

It took us about a month to find a place we were happy with and had a decent date available. Six months is considered short notice in the wedding industry. We found an art center that had really nice land, a sculpture garden and a pavilion type facility that we could use (in case of rain) and we set the date for July 13th.

Over the next month or two we hired the caterer and the photographer and the DJ/ Karaoke guy. They all said that six months (now four) was short notice but since few people get married in the middle of July because of the heat they could accommodate us. I heard many comments from family and friends.
Comments like, “Are you nuts? An outdoor wedding in the middle of July?”
And, “You guys are going to bake in that heat.”
As well as, “Do they have at least have air conditioning?”

Due to the fact that we were not getting married in a church we needed someone to officiate. We found an ex-priest on-line to handle the ceremony. He was still licensed in the state of PA to marry people. He was busy but the date was okay and he would be there.

In an effort to keep cost down we were prepared to handle everything that we possibly could. I use the term “we” very loosely. We (Lauren) made all the decorations and centerpieces for the tables. We (Lauren) designed and made the invitations. We (Lauren) planned out the layout and use of all the space. Most of the supplies were purchased online. Lauren even bought her dress on-line. Lauren and the bridesmaids also made all of their own bouquets. Just so you know Lauren is very talented.

Fast forward to June.
Lauren and I wrote our own vows. Not individual vows (her to me and a separate one for me to her) but joint vows that we both agreed reflected our relationship and personalities as well as what we thought we should promise each other for the rest of our lives. The only catch was that the priest who was officiating our wedding wanted to approve them to make sure they were acceptable to the sacrament of marriage. I called the ex-priest so I could discuss the ceremony.

He was not able to take my call.
He was dead.
He died.
Passed on a few weeks ago.
No one told us. He did not have us penciled in his appointment book. This could have been a problem.
I called the on-line service where I originally found him and asked for a replacement. It took a day or two but someone finally called us back. Another ex-priest. He would squeeze us in. Catastrophe averted.

Fast forward again.
July 13th. I dropped Lauren off at her parents at about 8 am. I had to go to Target to purchase a Croquet set and a Horseshoes set so I could set them up in the fields around the art center. The day was perfect. Sunny. Breezy. 85 degrees. No threat of rain. I went home and relaxed (not really), showered and headed over to Bob’s (my best man) house where all the groomsmen were to meet to get ready. The groomsmen were, of course, my 7 brothers.

It is during this “get dressed” time, that traditionally, my family, the brother’s, prepare for the Toast over a game of beer pong. It has been a tradition since Dennis, the first to get married, that all the brothers would participate in the toast ( It is really a Roast of the bride and groom) Boundaries are established at “get dressed” time as to what can be said in front of the 150 some odd guests and what cannot be said. We call this “In bounds or Out of Bounds.” It is also during the “get dressed” time that final jokes are added to the toast as well as a check of any and all props that are needed for the toast are checked (Yes you read that correctly. I said PROPS). A few examples of what was done at previous weddings of the brothers.
1. Lawn Whisperer met his wife while working at UPS. So we arranged to have a UPS driver show up at the ceremony to deliver the rings.
2.Brother Kevin’s wedding was a Black and White theme, so in between the church and the reception we changed our ties and cummerbunds to red and green plaid and put red and green polka dots on our shoes.
3.Pat’s wedding we were drawing a map of all the places he got into trouble as a kid.
4.Michael’s wedding roast was a Game Show.

My brothers show up. Already boozing. They apparently met at someone else’s house to determine the “In bounds/Out of bounds” rules. I was the last of my siblings to get married, so, this was an event. I started to get a little nervous because I did not have an inkling of what the toast would consist of. Sure they would make jokes about me collecting comic books and my fascination with superheroes and cartoons. Jokes about Lauren being an artist and a black belt. Jokes about theater. But, it may have all been “Out of Bounds”.


We arrived at the art center and there were so many last minute details that had to be done. We had to set up the chairs for the ceremony. Nine guys in tuxedos working in the mid-day sun. I had to set up the picnic baskets around the fields of the art center. I had to fill them with cookies, crackers, candies, wine and Slim Jims so the guests could snack as they wandered through the gardens. I had to get the DJ the CD’s for the music he was to play for the ceremony as well as the “DO NOT PLAY THESE SONGS” list Lauren and I prepared. If someone wanted to hear the Electric Slide or Achy Breaky Heart they were going to have to sing it Karaoke style.

With all the running around, I had no time to get nervous. Before I knew it, the ceremony started. The bridesmaids all walked up the aisle toward the giant oak tree we were to be married under, to the soundtrack of the “Princess Bride”. They all looked great in their individual dresses of their choosing. I started to sweat. Then as the music changed over to Sinead O’Connor’s “In This Heart” I held my breath.

Lauren emerged from the around the corner and looked absolutely stunning. I started to cry but blamed it on sweat in my eyes as I asked for a handkerchief from Bob. My brothers started laughing at my emotional state until they all caught a glimpse of Lauren. The place was silent for the next 30 seconds as she strolled up sunlit path. Breathtaking.


There were a few readings. One was from the “Velveteen Rabbit”. We exchanged rings and vows. We kissed and were married.


After appetizers and pictures and moving all the chairs form the ceremony to the reception area, we were “introduced” at the reception. At this point each one of my brothers left the art center. I knew, after taking part in 7 other weddings that they were preparing for the toast. I just did not know what they were preparing. Following are the pictures from the toast. I have tried to cover the identities to protect the drunk and silly.



Anyway the guests had a great time. Lauren and I laughed and laughed. People played horseshoes and croquet. They ate. They Drank. They Sang. They danced.

Needless to say it was one of the funniest, best days, ever, of my life.

Drunken League of America 

Half of the Groomsmen 

"Beer is Like Kryptonite"