Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Walking the dog

Six or seven years ago, before we had kids and when Lauren and I lived in sin, we attended a wedding of someone somehow related to me. In between the wedding and the reception we were going to meet my siblings at my sister’s boyfriend’s house for drinks. Before we arrived at the house, Lauren’s dress got caught on something and ripped down the back seem across her butt. Once at my sister’s boyfriend’s house she went to the bathroom to check the damage. When she came out she said we had to go home so she could change her dress. She asked that I not say anything to any of my brothers because she did not want to risk being further embarrassed. She knew that they could be pretty relentless when it comes to making jokes.

I told my sister that we had to run home. When she asked why, the first excuse I could come up with was that we forgot to feed the cats and we wanted to make sure they were okay for the night. My brother Dennis heard my lame excuse and immediately announced to the rest of the group with the wink-wink-nudge-nudge-if you-know-what-I-mean nod of approval.

“Lauren and Bill are going home to feed the cats. Alright!” he said and he slapped me on the back.

We left more embarrassed than what the ripped dress would have caused. When we got to the reception everybody there was like, “Alright, feeding the cats. Way to go. It’s nice to be young and in love.” All with the wink-wink-nudge-nudge-if-you-know-what-I-mean type of stuff.

A few years later I was in a meeting at work with a couple of guys, a few who happen to be my brothers. This was not a serious meeting but more of a bullshit session. At one point I got up from chair to walk across the room. I had a noticeable limp. One of the guys asked me what happened to my leg.

I said, “This morning I was walking the dog and I slipped and twisted it wrong.”

One guy said, “Alright. Walking the dog. Is that what you call it? Good for you Bill.” All with the wink-wink-nudge-nudge-if-you-know-what-I-mean head nod of approval.

“No, seriously,” I said. “I wish that is what caused my leg injury but I was really walking my dog this morning.”

“Alright. Lucky you. Walking the Dog. I like that. No wonder you are in a good mood.” Another guy chimed in with a wink-wink-nudge-nudge.

Another guy said, “I thought you called it feeding the cats.”

“I like Walking the dog better.” Said somebody else. “How often do you walk the dog, Bill?”

“Twice a day.”

“Twice a day? You are one lucky man.” Everyone was laughing including myself.

Now I can never mention the fact that I walk the dog to any of my brothers without getting the wink-wink-nudge-nudge-if-you-know-what-I-mean chuckle and head nod of approval. And if we are ever late or cannot make a family function someone always says that Lauren and I had to feed the cats.

Now for all of you pet owners that read this, think about this the next time you walk the dog or feed the cats. Wink-wink-nudge-nudge-If-you-know-what-I-mean.

Besides the standards, do you have any codes or euphemisms that you use*? Wink-wink-nudge-nudge-if-you-know-what-I-mean.



*Mom you are not allowed to answer this question.

37 comments:

Toady Joe said...

Take it from me... Moms "walk the dog" AND "feed the cats" too. :)

And I wanna hear what she calls it. So I'm blogjacking your comments by inciting a riot of people shouting "Mom! Mom! Mom!" in a (hopefully) fruitful attempt to get her to disregard your instructions!

Jonathon said...

That's hysterical. While the uptight, nerdy part of me gets annoyed at stuff like that, I can't help but doing it to everyone else.

I love acting like an adolescent!

PS: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

rzdrms said...

i can't really think of anything offhand, other than "a little sumthen sumthen." OH! wait! my friend and i used to call it "a hot fudge sundae...with nuts!" but we were teenagers who shouldn't have been talking about that kinda stuff in the first place.

p.s. MOM! MOM! MOM!

jaime said...

We used to have the same joke with a couple of friends who went home so she could "change her shoes".

Unfortunately, we're not allowed to use it anymore, since they're getting divorced. Apparently she decided to go to someone *else's* house to change footwear.

Effie said...

I heard an old man once say that he asks his wife for some by saying, get this, "How's about a stiffy?" this is a completely true story and that's what's far too scary

Not revealing any private details here....

PS Mom! Mom! Mom!

Stacie said...

In our house, our oldest son does the laundry as one of his regular chores. His idea of folding is a wrinkled mess, but he brings the wads of clean laundry up the stairs and dumps it on our bed.

My husband and I go upstairs to "fold the laundry" wink wink nudge nudge if you know what I mean.


Ps...Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!.....

ps again: Attention Sparkles! I will deny this till the cows come home!

Kami said...

Ooooh, yes. Let's hear what Mom calls it.

Anonymous said...

We call it " Let's go upstairs and call Bill and Lauren"

Mainline Mom said...

There isn't too much need for euphamisms in our house yet, but there are certainly times when one of us says to the other over dinner or TV, "maybe we should...ya know...go to bed EARLY tonight..."

PS: Mom! Mom! Mom!

Mich said...

Wait - married couples with kids can still wink-wink-nudge-nudge?

lawnwhisperer said...

Walking the Dog is classic. It is my favorite. But over at my house, there are other dog type anologies.

Like a dog Begging for food, if I want action, I have to do a ton of Begging.

Then She looks at me with a twisted look and she Rolls Over.

The next thing you know, she is Playing Dead. She's sleeping.

Sucks being me.

Juniper said...

We change it up a lot. It's usually based on whatever we were just doing. Last night we were watching the movie, "Crimson Tide" so I asked my husband if he wanted to "launch the torpedoes..."

I know. It's corny and awful... but it gets a laugh out of him!

Sandy said...

there is no wink-wink, nudge-nudge at my house...it's just my husband asking me if I "wanna get nekkid & wrestle?"

Laura said...

The way you ended this was hilarious, but if annonymous is your Mom, that had me busting out laughing.

Hub and I have the same code, but I can't tell you what it is because every so often, my family members link back to whomever left a comment on my blog, and I dont want them to know.
we have two weddings coming up next year. ;)

Phil said...

Ummmm... Based on how often it happens these days, we might as well call it "getting a tune-up."

kimmyk said...

Honey says "let's go upstairs and put laundry away".
Like that shit is EVER gonna happen. I mean I fold the laundry.
I put it away.
He just wants to crinkle and crumble up my clothes on the floor. Then let me pick them up and put them in the basket.

Circus Kelli said...

Mom! Mom! Mom!

The Kept Woman said...

Doin' the nasty?

OK, that's not so much a euphemism as a straight out reference to sex.

Julie said...

That is really funny!

SoozieQ said...

Oh my....well with five cats and a large, hyper dog that needs LOTS of walks, I guess I should be bow-legged!

I don't know if we really have any euphemisms that we use. Usually he just gets my hint when I start dry humping his leg.

I do try to refrain from doing this at weddings or family function though.

The Bents said...

Every single time I say to my husband, "i'm hungry" (meaning= I'm really hungry and need to eat some food) he says, "oh really???" wink wink nudge nudge...LMAO
I can't believe I just typed that.

Nilbo said...

In my house, the euphemism for sex is "I'm just gonna go check my e-mail - I'll be upstairs in a while."

the dogwalker said...

I am a big fan of walking the dog!!
But last time I did it, I forgot my raincoat. Guess what? Had a puppy. I think the Lawnwhisperer should spend more time whispering to the bush instead of the lawn...

cathy said...

to dogwalker, LOL!!!!

latt├ęgirl said...

I read a good euphemism the other day on another blog... the writer said she and her husband made a bet about something while they were out shopping. She said, "We went home, settled the bet..." (...) To be honest, it took us a little longer to settle the bet than expected..."

This made me laugh out loud, and I left my first comment on her blog.

Effie said...

My hubby and constantly bet on things, such as directions in the car and if I win I get ___ and if he wins he gets ____. Come to think of it, I have some collecting to do.....

Can't believe I just put that in type

eclectic said...

There's a look that passes between us, no words necessary, and we begin anticipating when the kids will be asleep. The 10-year-old now occasionally picks up that there's something different about that expression, and will say to his sister, "Eww. I think Mom and Dad are about to kiss each other. That's so gross!"

And we think to ourselves, "Son, you have no idea."

Scottsdale Girl said...

He grabs a tit and we are off. Yep. He's a romantic, that one.

One Hot Mama said...

Well, when my hubby goes to our room to "change his clothes" sometimes he wants help. Since the man wears uncomfortable clothes to work, perhaps folks can understand why we are preggers with our seventh!

Anonymous said...

I like the expressions that Burgess Meredith uses at the end of Grumpy Old Men.

Sharfa said...

Waxing the kitchen floor.

Which, being a single parent without a date in 4 years makes me think I need a serious buffing!

Susie said...

After 23 years, if there were euphemisms, I've forgotten them. Sometimes we just use the most obscene, outrageous expression that we can, to incorporate laughter into the festivities. And I will say that as our daughter has gotten old enough to entertain herself on weekend afternoons, we have taken to lying to her: we get "really tired" a lot on Sunday afternoons, and we need to "take a short nap" and we'll be locking the door just to make sure the "dog doesn't come in and wake us up." She probably knows.

Heather said...

I am not sure if this counts as it happened as I was getting into bed...my husband said, "it's warmer under my covers".

Football Widow said...

A local radio station around here calls it doing the laundry so the kids don't hear it in the car on the way to school. But I like the walking the dog thing!

kalki said...

How did I not notice this post before now? Hilarious.

Networking. Rob used to be a network administrator at work, so it was appropriate. In a geek genius sort of way, of course. I never liked the idea of him networking at work, though, if you know what I mean.

islandarts said...

Our euphemism is 'Hockey night in Canada'... which works our well because every night is hockey night in Canada, so nobody is the wiser!!

lawyerchik said...

Hi! Just dropped in following links from Susie and others - LOVED this post!! My parents used to tell us kids to go out for pizza - so now, it's "kids, go out for pizza....." (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). :)