Six or seven years ago, before we had kids and when Lauren and I lived in sin, we attended a wedding of someone somehow related to me. In between the wedding and the reception we were going to meet my siblings at my sister’s boyfriend’s house for drinks. Before we arrived at the house, Lauren’s dress got caught on something and ripped down the back seem across her butt. Once at my sister’s boyfriend’s house she went to the bathroom to check the damage. When she came out she said we had to go home so she could change her dress. She asked that I not say anything to any of my brothers because she did not want to risk being further embarrassed. She knew that they could be pretty relentless when it comes to making jokes.
I told my sister that we had to run home. When she asked why, the first excuse I could come up with was that we forgot to feed the cats and we wanted to make sure they were okay for the night. My brother Dennis heard my lame excuse and immediately announced to the rest of the group with the wink-wink-nudge-nudge-if you-know-what-I-mean nod of approval.
“Lauren and Bill are going home to feed the cats. Alright!” he said and he slapped me on the back.
We left more embarrassed than what the ripped dress would have caused. When we got to the reception everybody there was like, “Alright, feeding the cats. Way to go. It’s nice to be young and in love.” All with the wink-wink-nudge-nudge-if-you-know-what-I-mean type of stuff.
A few years later I was in a meeting at work with a couple of guys, a few who happen to be my brothers. This was not a serious meeting but more of a bullshit session. At one point I got up from chair to walk across the room. I had a noticeable limp. One of the guys asked me what happened to my leg.
I said, “This morning I was walking the dog and I slipped and twisted it wrong.”
One guy said, “Alright. Walking the dog. Is that what you call it? Good for you Bill.” All with the wink-wink-nudge-nudge-if-you-know-what-I-mean head nod of approval.
“No, seriously,” I said. “I wish that is what caused my leg injury but I was really walking my dog this morning.”
“Alright. Lucky you. Walking the Dog. I like that. No wonder you are in a good mood.” Another guy chimed in with a wink-wink-nudge-nudge.
Another guy said, “I thought you called it feeding the cats.”
“I like Walking the dog better.” Said somebody else. “How often do you walk the dog, Bill?”
“Twice a day.”
“Twice a day? You are one lucky man.” Everyone was laughing including myself.
Now I can never mention the fact that I walk the dog to any of my brothers without getting the wink-wink-nudge-nudge-if-you-know-what-I-mean chuckle and head nod of approval. And if we are ever late or cannot make a family function someone always says that Lauren and I had to feed the cats.
Now for all of you pet owners that read this, think about this the next time you walk the dog or feed the cats. Wink-wink-nudge-nudge-If-you-know-what-I-mean.
Besides the standards, do you have any codes or euphemisms that you use*? Wink-wink-nudge-nudge-if-you-know-what-I-mean.
*Mom you are not allowed to answer this question.