Monday, January 15, 2007

Sorry Janet.

We pulled into the Barnes and Noble parking lot on Friday night and we were quite surprised to see how packed the place was. You see I had a gift card burning a hole in my wallet and I was going to browse around while Lauren and the kids played in the kid's section. We lucked out and found a decent parking space and we walked towards the door. The place was mobbed.

We entered to find the store decorated in purple balloons and streamers and the entire staff was dressed in purple t-shirts. There was a loud party music coming from a DJ booth somewhere.

"Must be a book signing." Lauren said.

"I wonder who." I yelled back trying to be overheard over the music. I read one of the employees shirts to Lauren. "Janet Evanovich. Plum Lovin."

I have seen the name Janet Evanovich in different magazines and book reviews but I was not sure of the type of genre she wrote. At first, due to all the purple and balloons and music, I thought maybe she was a children's author, but the 200 or so women that formed a line that snaked throught the store, as well as the title Plum Lovin made me think she was a romance novelist.

We "excuse me-pardon me-excuse me-sorry about the stroller hitting your foot-excuse me-ed" our way back to the kids section. Lauren stayed with Max and he played with the trains and I pushed Wyatt through the store trying to see if there was any books I may want to buy. After a few minutes of trying to navigate the stroller through the hordes of people who were there for the signing I gave up. I went back to the trains and told Max he had five more minutes to play.

After the five minutes I told Max it was time to go and I could tell he was not going to go nicely.

"Max," I said "your five minutes are up."

"Ten minutes!" He yelled back.

"No Max. It is time to go now."

I could see the vains in his neck start to pop. I knew he was going to have a meltdown. Lauren started to push the stroller through the crowds of people as I picked up Max. Max started to scream. His wail was louder than the music being played. As I made my way through the store I could see all of the heads of the ladies in line for the signing turn in my direction. Almost in unison. I was at the back of the store and I had about 50 yards between me and the door. The further away we got from the trains the louder Maxfield's scream became. I did my best to quiet him short of putting my hand over his mouth (I did not want anyone to think I was kidnapping him).

I walked past the bulk of the line of women and I could feel their leers and sneers and their "oh my kid would never behave that way" looks of disapproval making holes in my back. With about 25 feet to go to the door I did the only thing I could think of. I stopped, and waited for Max to catch his breath between screams and I said as loudly as I could,

"Max, I don't know why that Janet lady won't sign your book. But it's okay we'll find another author. I am sorry she was so mean to you."

Lauren, who was in front me looked back and smiled. The 30 or so ladies I was closest to all did a double take trying to figure out if I was serious.

24 comments:

lehighmary said...

Oh my God! That is hilarious!!! I can't believe that you said that!
I actually saw on Janet's website that she was coming to Florida for some signings! I wish that I been there!

No one you know said...

I hadn't heard of her either so I Googled her. Here's a line that might give you a clue as to her genre.........

"Book magazine asked Evanovich whether there was a difference between sex she wrote in romance novels and what she writes now. "In romance there was a lot more of it and it was more specific and romantic, and the language was different," she said. "I feel more comfortable with the kind of sex I have in my books now."

Makes your remark to Max even funnier!

Jeff said...

That rocked. Very impressive handling of a situation.

Mainline Mom said...

That's hilarious.

Erin said...

Hysterical!

Janet Evanovich used to write romance novels, but in the past several years, she has been producing a series of mysteries about a woman who becomes a bounty hunter. They are actually pretty funny, because she is a TERRIBLE bounty hunter, yet she always solves the mystery.

I would never have thought of saying something like that in the midst of the tantrum. It would have come to me as we were loading into the car or something.

Mich said...

Sometimes you need to throw a famous author under a bus. It's ok. You stayed cool under pressure, that's what's important.

jd said...

That's really funny, Bill! How do you come up with this stuff!?

Laura said...

LOL!! Little did the sneering moms know that Max was actually a bonafide secret agent in real life...

MyBestInvest said...

Great blog, and awesome story.

Kami said...

YOU CRACK ME UP!!!!

sharkey said...

You kill me--hilarious!

Tortuguita said...

lmfao!
Yes! That's brilliant. Way to think on your feet!

ladybug said...

i was almost disappointed this wasnt another "max takes a toxic dump in the bookstore" installment! i was expecting there to be women in line passing out, or wretching.

but then ending was precious. i could totally hear the heads snapping around. and i LOVE that all lauren did was look back and smile.

ladybug said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Now that it why I need to get you to write a book. I have never been to a blog signing.

Anonymous said...

Is that the same Janet from the Rocky Horror Picture Show?

Max might have been wanting to do the time warp.

Anonymous said...

Was it Janet from 3's company?

Maybe max wanted a thighmaster.

Anonymous said...

Ohhhh Janet Evanovich.

I loved Julia Roberts playing her in that movie.

JP said...

That's friggin' awesome!! The looks on the women in line who were lifting their noses up at you must have been great!

ThePapaDog said...

And I thought I was the only one who did stuff like that....

Nice Job!

kalki said...

See, I hear "Plum Lovin" and think she must be a food writer. What does that say about me?

Queen Bee said...

You really said that? Amazing, how do you think of this stuff?

Btw, I like Janet Evanovich's books and I still laughed!

Linda and Denny said...

Kudos for not caving in to Max's "ten minutes" and for handling his tantrum with elan.

No_Newz said...

That was classic! Especially since Janet is kind of a slut writer. Hahahahaha!