What to expect

When Lauren was pregnant with Max, besides reading the books and online stuff about pregnancy, we also took a “birthing class” so we could get a better understanding of what to expect. This time we are not taking the class. I think the fact that I acted like a twelve year old, the last time in Birthing Class, will keep us from going this time.

Those classes are difficult to get through with watching videos of other peoples births and other women screaming and groaning. So as a defense mechanism, when I feel uncomfortable I would use humor to deal with the discomfort of such topics. Plus the people teaching would say words that would make me laugh. Like “engorged breasts”.
They would also use acronyms and memory tricks to help us fathers remember what we were supposed to be learning. Like the 511 rule. Which I think was, that if there are 51 contractions in 1 hour you need to call the doctor ( I don't remember). Or C.O.A.T. COAT is the trick to remember what to look out for when a woman’s water breaks so one can relay the info to the doctor. The teacher was going over them “C is for color. Is it clear? Bloody? That type of thing. O is for odor. If it has a bad odor you need to tell the doctor. A is for amount. Let the doctor know if it was a trickle or a gush.” At this point I leaned into Lauren and said, “If she says T is for taste we are out of here.”*


Anyway, we (Lauren mostly) have been reading “What to Expect When You Are Expecting”, “The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy” As well as other websites and what not about pregnancy. I have been looking at different chapters and stuff to kind of prepare me for what is coming up and I noticed some interesting things. The following is in no way a reflection on Lauren nor is she going through any of the specific things I am mentioning. Lauren is not the norm and never has been which is one of the reasons that I love her and that I married her. But I found these bits of information funny.

In the “What to expect” book, they break down each month of the pregnancy and what a person may be feeling physically and emotionally. 6 of the 9 months say what you may be feeling emotionally “Irritability, mood swings, irrationality, weepiness.” I thought that was given, and pretty much sums up the first year of parenthood itself.

An online pregnancy magazine said, “At this point the extenal female genitalia may become more distinguished.” My response was “What does it get gray around the sides and look like a professor? Maybe it starts smoking a pipe.”

Then these books and articles talk about frequent urination, (getting up in the middle of the night a few times to go) loss of sleep and being tired all the time during pregnancy. I always thought that if you were not getting sleep you would be tired. And after having Max I realized that God is pretty funny and smart. During the 9 months of pregnancy with all the loss of sleep and getting up in the middle of the night to pee, HE is just preparing you for those every three-hour feedings.

Lastly, these books seem to be somewhat insulting to husbands. There is always a chapter that states, "Have your partner read this chapter." Or, "For Fathers Only." I find this insulting because it basically says that fathers won't read the rest of the book. Which is true, but it still insults me.



*T actually stood for Time of the water breaking.

MooneyAngelo is updated.