Monday, January 30, 2006

What to expect

When Lauren was pregnant with Max, besides reading the books and online stuff about pregnancy, we also took a “birthing class” so we could get a better understanding of what to expect. This time we are not taking the class. I think the fact that I acted like a twelve year old, the last time in Birthing Class, will keep us from going this time.

Those classes are difficult to get through with watching videos of other peoples births and other women screaming and groaning. So as a defense mechanism, when I feel uncomfortable I would use humor to deal with the discomfort of such topics. Plus the people teaching would say words that would make me laugh. Like “engorged breasts”.
They would also use acronyms and memory tricks to help us fathers remember what we were supposed to be learning. Like the 511 rule. Which I think was, that if there are 51 contractions in 1 hour you need to call the doctor ( I don't remember). Or C.O.A.T. COAT is the trick to remember what to look out for when a woman’s water breaks so one can relay the info to the doctor. The teacher was going over them “C is for color. Is it clear? Bloody? That type of thing. O is for odor. If it has a bad odor you need to tell the doctor. A is for amount. Let the doctor know if it was a trickle or a gush.” At this point I leaned into Lauren and said, “If she says T is for taste we are out of here.”*


Anyway, we (Lauren mostly) have been reading “What to Expect When You Are Expecting”, “The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy” As well as other websites and what not about pregnancy. I have been looking at different chapters and stuff to kind of prepare me for what is coming up and I noticed some interesting things. The following is in no way a reflection on Lauren nor is she going through any of the specific things I am mentioning. Lauren is not the norm and never has been which is one of the reasons that I love her and that I married her. But I found these bits of information funny.

In the “What to expect” book, they break down each month of the pregnancy and what a person may be feeling physically and emotionally. 6 of the 9 months say what you may be feeling emotionally “Irritability, mood swings, irrationality, weepiness.” I thought that was given, and pretty much sums up the first year of parenthood itself.

An online pregnancy magazine said, “At this point the extenal female genitalia may become more distinguished.” My response was “What does it get gray around the sides and look like a professor? Maybe it starts smoking a pipe.”

Then these books and articles talk about frequent urination, (getting up in the middle of the night a few times to go) loss of sleep and being tired all the time during pregnancy. I always thought that if you were not getting sleep you would be tired. And after having Max I realized that God is pretty funny and smart. During the 9 months of pregnancy with all the loss of sleep and getting up in the middle of the night to pee, HE is just preparing you for those every three-hour feedings.

Lastly, these books seem to be somewhat insulting to husbands. There is always a chapter that states, "Have your partner read this chapter." Or, "For Fathers Only." I find this insulting because it basically says that fathers won't read the rest of the book. Which is true, but it still insults me.



*T actually stood for Time of the water breaking.

MooneyAngelo is updated.

23 comments:

MetroDad said...

“What does it get gray around the sides and look like a professor? Maybe it starts smoking a pipe.”

Hahaha...thanks, Bill. I just snorted Diet Coke onto my computer!

Cat said...

You and TGIM would get along JUUUUUUUUUST fine, my friend. Just FINE.

"If she says T is for taste we are out of here!"

I love it! Lauren must have wanted to smack you! Or burst out laughing at an inappropriate moment! Either way!

You = fuh-NEE.

LotionBarBunny said...

My husband got to wear the pregnancy bell for an entire class.

We never do fun things like that anymore.

judypatooote said...

Oh my God Lauren, you do have my sympathy......I can't stop laughing......you poor dear.....

mrtl said...

Great post! Those classes were ridiculous... I was 12 years old in them, too. What do you expect when the doll they use looks just like James Carville?

Stacie said...

OMG! I just choked on my Diet Pepsi! You are a hoot. I feel your pain...I too use humor when faced with...embarrassing situations...my poor hubby can probably relate just fine to poor Lauren! Stacie

TBG said...

Well thank god it didnt stand for taste!

LotionBarBunny said...

pregnancy bell....I meant pregnancy belly.

I bet you were all wondering if the bell was a new fangled device. ;)

kalki said...

"Which is true, but it still insults me." Hee! I also love that you can't remember what the mnemonic device is supposed to help you remember.

The C.O.A.T. thing reminds me of the four C's for diamonds - cut, clarity, color, and carat. I insisted Rob memorize those soon before we got engaged.

Tammy said...

You kill me.

I loved to read the "Girlfriends Guides". Those were great.

Random and Odd said...

The best daddy blogger out there. I heart you.

Susie said...

Great post! hahahaha hilarious

Ern said...

Ah, thanks for my daily dose of blog birth control. Now, where are those pills?

t_cole said...

i drug my hubby to all those birthing and infant/baby childcare classes during my first pregnancy.
he hated every second - save one class. the one on breastfeeding.
he was on time, front and center for that one.
go figure.
GREAT entry. thanks for the giggles...

The Kept Woman said...

Bwahahahahaha...grey...smoking a pipe...hee hee (wipes tears away)...what a GREAT idea for Half Nekkid Thursday!

Twixie said...

that was hilarious. You killed me with the T for taste bit...

Kimberly said...

"An online pregnancy magazine said, “At this point the extenal female genitalia may become more distinguished.” My response was “What does it get gray around the sides and look like a professor? Maybe it starts smoking a pipe.” "

BWAHAHA Oh my, you made me blow coffee out my nose. hahaha

lawnwhisperer said...

Bill,Bill,Bill. I have told you countless times "What to Expect."
You just don't listen. No book or web page is going to give you the truth. They hit you with silly little facts. They hit you with goofy little percentages. They are a waste of time and money.

You want a class, I'll teach you a class. I just can't put the real life stuff on paper. It would be insulting to most.

kimmyk said...

OMG I just laughed so loud I scared my dog.
Too funny.
The whole "taste" comment has me still crackin' up!

Hänni said...

I too would be fascinated by "engorged breasts" ... mostly because i'm not used to seeing that sort of thing... breasts, that is.

But anyway, I wouldn't worry about your birthing class shenanigans. I'm sure Lauren must have a good sense of humor herself - she married you, after all.

eclectic said...

Very funny! Our "class" had a "student" who in all seriousness, asked the instructor at one point why she kept using the word "uterus." What the hell is that word? OMG! And the instructor ANSWERED!! In a PREGNANCY/CHILDBIRTH class!!! And the "student" WAS PREGNANT! Dear god, we never looked back.

Mainline Mom said...

How come I never heard any of these rules like 511 or COAT? Just as well, I don't really wanna know.

Susie said...

OK, now I am recovered from the ultrasound post and am laughing. And you are forgiven for stopping my heart.