Thursday, June 23, 2005

Wipe Out

We went to Clearwater a few days ago. We ended up going to the beach. It wasn’t really a planned beach visit but we brought our bathing suits and what not just in case we decided to hang out on the sand and surf. Which we did.

When we arrived we found a snack stand gift shop place that had public restroom/changing rooms so we could don our suits and get Max lathered in sunscreen. Part of this process was to get Max changed out of his regular diaper and into his swimmy diaper and bathing suit.

I took Max with me into the men’s room where they had separate changing stalls from just the regular bathroom stalls. I entered the men’s room with Max, a swimmy diaper and his suit. In the changing stall was no place to lay him down so I had to have him stand for the change. I took off his pants and undid the Velcro/sticky tabs on his diaper when the smell hit me. He pooped. I took off the diaper to inspect the damage and it was a mess. I didn’t have any wipes on me. They were with Lauren who was waiting outside for us.

I was stuck. I couldn’t put the dirty diaper back on him. That would be gross. I couldn’t leave him in the stall and run out to Lauren. I couldn’t take a half naked baby with poop covering his backside out into the snack stand to get him cleaned up. That would be even grosser. People were eating hotdogs and soft pretzels out there. So I draped Max over my shoulder like I was a fireman and went across the room to where the toilet stall was. Thank god they had toilet paper.
I couldn’t put him down because the he would immediately start playing with the toilet and it was very, very unclean. So I draped him further over my shoulder, his butt next to my face and I took a handful of toilet paper and started wiping him. But this was not Charmin. This TP was the cheap-public-restroom-one-ply brand that comes on the oversized rolls. But what was I to do? I had to use it. I started wiping him. The TP kept coming apart in my hands. It was sticking to him. Every time I tried to wipe between his cheeks he clenched up and the paper would rip and there were streamers of toilet paper hanging out his ass.

I started thinking, “Wipes are wet. I need the wet the toilet paper.”
I peek out of the stall, no one else is in the room, I grab another handful of the cheapo TP with Max over my shoulder and head over to the sink.
The sink was one of those push faucets, you know the kind where when you push the hot water knob and it runs for a few seconds and you have to push it again. Well this one was broke. This sink you had to actually hold the button down to keep the water flowing.

Since I am holding Max over my right shoulder, my right hand is grasped around his legs so he does not fall. I have my left hand filled with toilet paper. I could not hold the water knob down to keep the faucet on to soak the TP. I was trying to do it really fast.

Push with left hand. Real quick move my left hand under the faucet and try to wet the paper.
Push with my left hand. Real quick move my left hand under the faucet and try to wet the paper.
Push. Real quick try to wet the paper.

No luck. The few drips on the wad of toilet paper were not enough to clean up the mess on Maxfield’s backside. So now I have to kneel in front of the sink, use my right elbow to hold the water knob down so I can get the paper wet enough to clean. I'm kneeling, in front of the sink. The stink of Max is hitting me right in the face. The streamers of toilet paper hanging from his crack are tickling my neck. Elbow holding the water down. Max is laughing.

Of course right at that moment someone walks in. I tried to act my best as if this was a normal everyday situation. There was a problem though. The wet toilet paper was breaking apart in my hand. Did you ever use wet TP to wipe something up? It disintegrates into a pulpy mess. I had to get up, go back to the stall, get more, and repeat the process. The other person leaves.

Finally, I get him all cleaned up and we head back to the changing stall. I put him down so he is standing up and I start to put on his swimmy pull-up’s diaper. I start talking to him.
“You were such a good boy. Okay now lift the other one. Good job buddy. You are such a big boy.”
Max looks up at me and smiles form ear to ear, his big blue eyes beaming. I now have to put on his swimsuit.
“That’s right you are getting so big. Okay hold on, lift the other one. Good job buddy!”

We exit the stall. Standing there is some guy who must have entered the room while I was changing Max. The man looked totally relieved that I had Max with me. He must have thought I was in there talking to myself.

10 comments:

Candace said...

What, you don't encourage yourself when you're in a changing room in the bathroom?

Oh, that's just me?

G-Side Pride said...

dude that crap is disgusting and should be banned from the internet. i mean seriously.

G-Side Pride

marybishop said...

Great great post...appropriate for a "poop and boogies" named blog...but, may I say you deserve a huge Dad Award for that clean up job.

Nico said...

"Max is laughing" - That says it all, you are a great father.

Who the hell is that "G-Side Pride" guy?? I hope he's joking...

Effie said...

Hahahaha! That made my day! I am just trying to contain my laughter--you are a great Dad!

pmeak said...

Sounds like that was the first diaper you ever changed.

kalki said...

Crack me up! But come on now, admit it - you do that big boy talk even when Max isn't with you.

g-side pride's sister said...

that is so funny
i agree with marybishop it does fit the name
i also agree with pmeak
u should bring wipes whenever your dealing a diaper genus

Mary P. said...

I just woke up a sleeping toddler, laughing so loud. What a great story!

Amber said...

I know this is an old post but, it was so funny. I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants and woke up my two year old at the same time!

Just imagining my hubby in this same situation. He would have probably brought the kiddo back out to me and let me deal with it. Good job taking care of it yourself!