Max on the Beach 

Max Talkin  

1000 Rat's Ass'

Here is a list of my favorite sayings. Some are old or overused on a regular basis in probably every office or situation. Some may be original because I have never heard them before. I will try to provide a definition.

I’m having a Charlie Brown day-Lauren uses this when her day is not going the way she planned. When Max is cranky and the flooring guy never calls back and the dishwasher breaks. I say, “How was your day?” And she replies “I’m having a Charlie Brown Day.”

Shit the Bed- I use this often at work and in most occasions when someone or something messes up. Examples “ That would have been a great picture but the camera shit the bed.” Or “It was supposed be delivered on Friday but Fed Ex shit the bed. Now I wont have it until Monday”.

Thrown under the bus. -This is used way too much, but is the perfect description for when someone else gets you in trouble. “I can’t believe he threw you under the bus like that by telling your wife you went to a strip club.”

If you had a thousand rats ass’ (asses) could I get one? -To be used when someone says, “I couldn’t give a rats ass.” A guy named Eric used this on my brother Kevin years ago. Eric was telling him some problems at work that needed Kevin’s attention and Kevin said, “I don’t give a rat’s ass”. Eric, without missing a beat says, “If you had a thousand rat’s ass’ would you give me one”.

This is my personal favorite and I do not use it nearly enough.

My Wife Thinks She is Funny When...

....I am drifting off to sleep for the night and she starts asking me questions, knowing full well I talk in my sleep and I start answering her questions based on my dreams. (my brothers used to do this as well).

....I put Max in the Playpen (Pack-N-play to modern people), and while I am not looking, she lets him out, so I think he actually figured a way to escape.

...I take a nap and she wakes me by holding Max's dirty stinky diaper ass next to my face.

Blog Tag

I have been experiencing some technical issues with my home computer. COMPY 386 is just not working the right way. I will not be able to post for a day or two.
I was recently “tagged” by NIC to do a blog “If I were a (insert occupation) I would (insert what I would do)” There are bunch of jobs to choose from. But you are only supposed to pick 5. This will be my post for now.
The list of Jobs.
If I could be a Innkeeper
If I could be a Librarian
If I could be a writer-I could….ummmm let me think…I would…Damn wirter’s block.
If I could be a Pirate
If I could be a scientist
If I could be a farmer
If I could be a musician
If I could be a doctor-I would make appointments for a specific time and I would actually see those patients at that time instead of making them wait 45 minutes in the office and another 10 in the actual check up room.
If I could be a painter
If I could be a gardener-I would not need the Lawn Whisperer
If I could be a chef
If I could be an architect-I would make sure all buildings had Batpoles.
If I could be a linguist
If I could be a psychologist
If I could be an athlete
If I could be a lawyer
If I could be a professor-I would have gotten us off the island much sooner.
If I could be a llama-rider
If I could be an astronaut
If I could be a world famous blogger
If I could be a justice on any one court in the world
If I could be married to any current famous political figure

And I do not know enough other bloggers to pass this on. So I won't.

Conclave in the Tree

Since the move to Florida, we have not really gotten out much. We basically entertain ourselves by shopping, checking out playgrounds for Max, watching T.V. and walking through parks. A recent form of entertainment has been the Cardinals that have built a nest right outside our living room window. They have been there for about a month and have already hatched a few eggs.
I named them Bevilacqua and Kroll. Bevilacqua is the male bright red bird, which is the most visible in our backyard. We occasionally catch glimpses of Kroll, the female, gray colored bird. It has been fun watching them take turns feeding the baby birds and it was amazing that the babies grew and took off in about 10 days. 10 days from birth to empty nest. I figured down in Florida we would be seeing all kinds of exotic wildlife up close. But no, we watch Cardinals, which we could see up north.
We are old. We live in Florida AND we watch birds in our yard. I think I will price out AARP memberships.

10th Level

We went to hell on Sunday. Okay, not really hell but one of my versions of hell. We went to JoAnn Fabrics.

Somewhere in Dante’s description of the nine levels he forgot to mention JoAnn Fabrics. I rarely go to this place but since it was Mother’s Day we did what Lauren wanted to do. And if you asked Lauren, “Do you want to go to an all expense paid vacation to Hawaii, where there will be hot tubs, massages, and all the crab legs and steak you could eat, or go to Joann’s?”
She would probably say JoAnn Fabrics. The JoAnn Fabrics by our house is a JoAnn Superstore. Superstore hell. Super Hell.

My job at JoAnns today was to take care of Max, which is normally an easy job. Not today. Max wanted to walk. Not sit in the cart and smile at all the ladies that work there. He wanted to walk in and out of every aisle. Every aisle in Superstore Hell is a lot of aisles, with tons of bolts of fabric to throw on the floor. And they have tons balls of yarn and ribbons that can be tossed every which way. At some point Max needed to have his diaper changed.

We made our way to the men’s room where they actually had a clean and working changing table with a strap. A working strap is rare in public restroom changing tables. Hell has a pretty nice men’s room. Probably, because men rarely go into the superstore hell. I don’t know if it was the diaper or being in the bathroom but now I had to pee. What was I going to do with Max?

Being MacGyver-esque, I figured a way to use the strap from the changing table and the strap from the diaper bag to tether max to the wall. So I am standing at the urinal, Max is tied to the wall like a horse outside a saloon, and don’t you know it, theonly other man in the store walks in. I was so embarrassed because I tied Max to the wall.

After eternity it was time for lunch. We went to a sandwich/salad place called Crisper’s. Crisper’s does not serve any kind of food suitable for kids. So we ordered a roll for Max and I gave him half of the pickle that came with my Sandwich. Half a pickle, which he tried to shove into his mouth all at once. I of course take it out and he shoves it back in. I finally extract it from his clenched teeth and it falls to the floor. Being that there is no five-second rule in a restaurant or any other public place for that matter, we took it away from him. The shriek the emanated from his mouth was the loudest I have ever heard from him. He of course starts wailing and screaming. The other customers in the place were giving us dirty looks. Which pissed me and Lauren off. But I couldn't quiet him quick enough. I wanted to go back to JoAnns.

Mom's Mother's Day

Mom,
Happy Mother’s Day. You truly deserve a wonderful day. You gave birth and raised 9 kids. Everyday should be mother’s day for you.

I know I am your favorite child. Well, right next to Jim because he is the baby of the family, and after Sharon, because she is the oldest and the only girl and named her daughter after you. Oh and Patrick because he named a daughter after you. (I think they both did it to guarantee babysitting time from you). And I guess I am after Dennis, because he was the oldest boy and the first to give you a grandchild and he has three nipples. I forgot Kevin would be your favorite before me because after all he is Dad’s favorite so that pulls some weight. Oh and Dan would squeeze in there because he can fix all of your appliances and computer. Michael, I forgot Michael would come next in the line-up of favorites because he only lives a block from you and he still lets you mother him and he shovels your walk in the snow.
Then I guess it would ME.
Then John.

I know Max is your favorite grandchild out of the 19. You told me he was the cutest baby you have ever seen.

Anyway, from your 8th favorite child. I love you!

Mom, I know you laughed at this. Especially the three nipple part, because, c’mon three nipples is always funny.

For real. I love you and miss you. Have a great day!

Bike Test

When we, my 8 siblings and I, were growing up, before we could ride a bike in the street we had to take a bike test.

I learned to ride a bike I guess when I was 5 or 6. It was hand me down Big Wheels before that. But once we mastered the two wheel regular bikes we could only ride in the driveway or the sidewalk. We were not allowed to cross the street on the bike. We weren’t even allowed to walk the bike across the street. We were only allowed to go around the block, on the sidewalk. We had to wait until our 7th or 8th birthday (I can’t remember) for my father to administer the Bike Test before we could venture out onto the street. Going around the block for a whole year was quite boring.

Dad felt that if we were going to ride in the street that at least we would have to be safe. The bike test was the first step in being able to ride with your friends or even older brothers. It was the test to be somewhat free. It was hard, especially to an 8 year old.

The test started in the driveway. We had to make a right, heading North onto Street X. Make a right, heading East onto street Y. Make a u-turn without hitting the curb and head West, stop at the stop sign, cross Street X and head up the small hill. We then had to make another U-turn and head East again, stop at the stop sign make right onto Street X and then a left into our driveway. If we did this and we were not too fast or too slow (yes you could get penalized for being too slow) and we used all of the right signals and stopped where we were supposed to, we would pass the test. We would be free.

Not one of my brothers or my sister ever passed on the first try.
The second stop sign got me. I went right through it. I mean I was coming down the hill; I was making a right hand turn, I looked, no cars were coming, what’s the difference?

The difference. I had to wait another two weeks before I could take the test again. I had to wait 14 days before I could ride with my friends. I really should say friend. It was embarrassing. There go my brothers riding down to the park and I would have to walk. By the time I got to the stickball game it would already be the second inning. Not that any one cared because I sucked at stickball.

Now a days there are laws about kids wearing helmets. There are lawsuits when a kid gets hit by car, because he crossed the road without looking. There are lawsuits when kids get hurt by their own bikes. Where are the bike tests?

My dad turns 65 on Saturday. Happy Birthday Dad.

Mother's/Wife Day

We will busy this weekend, so I wanted to post this for Mother's Day/Wife Day (which is what it is since Max is only 1. Although I am going to garnisheed his first few weeks of allowance for the gifts).

Some reasons why my wife is the best mother/wife ever.
1.She has more patience with Maxfield than I could ever have. Even when he is flailing his arms and legs and doesn’t want to leave Gymboree. Lauren does not get embarrassed she just does her job and takes him home.
2.The fact the she can read “Barnyard Dance” 1000 times and read it like it is the first time, each time.
3.She has incredible will power. She can resist jumping my bones when I step out of the shower, when I am all done mowing the grass and I am all sweaty and even when I am sitting on the couch eating Cheetos. I tell ya it is an incredible show of strength and fortitude. I think I am hot. She does say that there is nothing sexier than me doing the dishes or laundry.
4.She humors me with ‘Snot Races”. When Max starts crying and the snot starts oozing. I say, “Pick a side, left or right.” And she does (the winner is decided once the snot reaches the top lip) She doesn’t say “that’s gross”.
5.She has Cobra like booger picking ability. She can snatch a booger from Max’s nose lightning fast. Even in motion. It’s like she sees the booger she postions her hand like a cobra in striking position. Snap! Booger gone. Max doesn’t even know what happened. I think they should make this a Rodeo type sport. I think Lauren could beat any mom in the nation. Mom Olympics, that could be cool.
6.She has the best taste in music. Even the stuff she listens to that I do not like, I like.
7.She rocks my world today as she did on the day I met her.
8.She actually will take the “shell’s off the peas before she feeds them to Max.
9.For her tolerance in letting Max do new things. For instance, we took Max for a walk in his wagon. He figured out that instead of riding in it he could pull it. Knowing full well that a 15 minute walk would become a 45 minute walk, she lets Max pull the wagon.
10.For allowing me to discuss my brilliant ideas with her. Such as the LID BIB. Which is basically a shower cap for Kids. Whenever Max is eaten something sticky ,gooey or liquidy after he gets it on his hands he always rubs his head. His hair then is always clumped together and gross. Then she says “a kid would never keep it on but it is a good Idea.”

Happy Mother’s Day Lauren. I love you. Thanks for all you do for me and Maxfield.

Ed Grimly I must Say! 

No Parachute Pants. 

Breakdancing Bogart

Our cats are supposed to be on a diet. I call it the Catkins diet because we are supposed to limit their carbs. We give them just the good old canned wet smells like dead mice cat food. That is what the vet recommended. They said the occasional dry food is okay but we should stick to the Meat and meat by-products.

Bogart the largest of two has been starving. He has been waking me up in the middle of the night because he wants food. If I don't get up, he knocks stuff over in the house. He actually breaks things until he gets fed. I am now to the point that I just fill the bowl with the dry food because I know I need my carbs. Plus Bogart is a cat. He chokes on hairballs, licks the other cats butt and kills and eats lizards. Him being overweight is the least of his troubles.

Anyway, Lauren said, "Bill I didn't know we were out of the canned cat food."

"I think there is a can or two left." I said.

She replied, "Not that it makes a difference, because you keep giving them the dry food".

"Well I just can't stand being woken up at night by him breaking things."

I guess she misheard me because she said, "By him Breakdancing?"

The Lawn Whisperer

I was speaking with my brother John yesterday and I was explaining life in Florida(Officially, I became a Floridian 2 months ago today). About what the major differences are between the South and Pennsylvania and what not. So we're talkin and I mention how the development I live in has a Yard of The Month Award. They give it to the Yard that has improved the most. I told John how my neighbors won. I have not cut my grass in 3weeks so compared to my yard they look great. I am not a yard person. The following is part of the email I received from John. Who, cuts his grass 3 times a week. Who enjoys yard work. Who loves the smell of mulch in the morning.
I edited it for content.

It is not about the money. It is about the pride of having the skills to maintain a well groomed lawn. You see, much like your silly pets, lawns need grooming too. You should just do it, for the sake of saying that you won. At the age that we are currently, the opportunity for competition does not come by very often. There is no more little league for us. There is no more highschool sports. We only have two forms of competition left.

First, we compete with our kids. Yes, we compete with our children, for the attention of our spouse. We basically get screwed here. My wife pays all of her attention to them, like they are helpless little kids or something. I am basically an ornament. I am the dinner table ornament. What I say has no bearing on anything.

He explains different ways that he competes for the attention of his wife and how he is an ornament in many occasions and then proceeds to this

The other form of competition is with the neighbors. You know, keeping up with the Jone's. Well, I like to kick the crap out of the Jone's. My lawn is the best. My trees are the best. Bill, my lawn listens to me. I am the Lawn Whisperer.

I can teach you things grasshopper. You should be able to compete for the Best Lawn award. Fertilizer, water, and TLC. Give the lawn some TLC Bill. You will make those neighbors hate that you live there. Your two neighbors will win every month if your ugliness is between them. The committee will always compare them to you. Don't have a messy lawn Bill. Let me be the Dr. Phil of lawns for you. We can beat those neighbors. You gotta believe. Step up, be a man. Be a competitor and grow that grass.

John is very jealous they do not have a Lawn award in his neighborhood. But I decided I will give this a shot. John will be the Obi Lawn Kenobi and I will be Young Skywalker. This should be interesting.

Turd Tag

I am new to the whole Blog Tag thing going on, but I was tagged to do a Turd Poem.(see comments in previous post). Thanks to "What Was I Thinking" (I do not know how to do links so just go to www.uhohnowlook.blogspot.com to see how this started it is one of my favorite blogs to read).

Turd in the punchbowl
Oh How Uncouth
Turd in the punchbowl
Ah, no it's just a Baby Ruth.


I am supposed to send this to three other people in the blogosphere but I do not know that many. Sorry.

Edited 5-4-05 I figured how to do some links. CLick here to see Susie's Blog

Thou Shall Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Sippy Cup

Max and I went to church on Sunday. 8 AM Mass. I like to show up exactly at 8, because Max has a good behavior mode of about 40 minutes, which is what the service usually run.
We go into the back of the church where there is a "special needs" room (according to the Catholic Church "special needs" means "screaming kids"). We enter the sound proof room with the glass front so you can see the altar but not the big screen TV (see the post from March)and we sit down in an unoccupied row of chairs. There is plenty of space for Maxfield to play and pray. There are a few other families in the room a few rows ahead of us. Max is doing pretty good with his plastic tow truck, his stuffed dog rattle and squishy books when, in walks Andrew and his parents who sit in the empty row behind us. Andrew's mom spreads out his toys which consist of a stuffed fire truck and a Tupperware container.
The two kids make eye contact through the back of the folding chairs. They exchange baby talk and start to share their toys. They are crawling and stumbling and walking back and forth between the two rows of chairs. They are playing nicely until Max refuses to give Andrew the squishy book. Andrew starts to fuss and in order to calm him down his mom pulls out a sippy cup.

Hell broke loose in church.

Max had a fit. He wanted a sippy cup as well. I could not undo the knot in the diaper bag string fast enough to get his apple juice. Max starts screaming like a boy possessed. I am distracted rifling through the bag, Pepperidge farm gold fish are all over the place (Kind of like the fishes and loaves story in the bible)and Max goes after Andrew. Max is ready to steal Andrew's sippy cup and I know he will knock him over to get it. Luckily I grab him before he assaults 11 month old and I insert the end of Max's sippy cup into his mouth to quiet the demon within.

It is all calm.

Max is standing on the floor leaning against the seat of the chair with his elbow, the other hand is grasped to the cup. Andrew is standing right next to him in the same position. They looked like they were hanging out at a bar. It was just like a bar. Two guys being friends, they start a fight, drinks come out, they are friends again. So everything was cool.

I was a little annoyed with Andrew's mom though. Isn't there some kind of parent to parent signal that says "I'm giving my kid something edible. So should you"???

Sarasota

This past weekend we went to Sarasota to visit friends. We spent part of the day on Lido Beach. It was Maxfiled’s first visit to a beach. He had a blast. We went swimming, ate sand, it was fun. I think we spoiled him though with his first swimming experience. I mean, after you swim in the green/blue super clear Gulf of Mexico how could you ever go swimming in the black sludge that is the Atlantic Ocean, especially the Jersey Shore. We stayed at a hotel that was right across the street from the Maxfield Medical Center. How cool is that? He is only 14 months old (yesterday) and there is a Medical Center named after him.

Cool Sign 

Gator Encounter

We have been living in Florida for just under two months and on Saturday 4/30/05 we had our first Gator sighting. Lauren, Maxfield and I went to the park that runs along the Little Econlockhatchee River (say that 5 times fast). As we were strolling along Lauren kept looking over her shoulder into the river. I told her to stop because she was making me nervous. But she said, “I keep seeing something. I don’t know if it is a stick or a turtle, or, OH MY GOD it’s an alligator!”

So I turn around and I am like “Where?”
“Right there” she said, “In the middle of the river.”

Sure enough, swimming in the middle of the river about 50 feet away, was a 4 foot (give or take a few inches) alligator. We watched it for about a half an hour. It was floating along towards a bridge where there were guys fishing. The guys fishing left a cooler on the bank and they were afraid to go and get it. Being Northerners Lauren and I were all like “Let’s get a closer look.” We crossed the railing and walked on the bank to try and inspect the gator. It was pretty cool. Since our digital camera broke we could not zoom in to get a better picture. We tried taking one with a disposable camera but they did not come out. We got a nice picture of the river though. Hopefully we get a chance to see the Florida version of Bigfoot. It's called the Skunkape.

No Gator Visible.