Saturday, December 19, 2009

Staining: A Tutorial

When trying to stain a desktop/countertop you need to make sure you have the proper materials; a brush, a bunch of rags, rubber gloves (Do you own rubber gloves? I lease with an an option to buy.) a can of stain with a cool sounding name like Brazillian Rosewood with a pretty picture on the front that matches what you want your desk to look like, and paint thinner or mineral spirits; spirit being the key word here.

Step 1:Wait for the coldest night of the year to work in your garage. Step 2: Cover the wood (heh heh) with liberal amounts of stain. Step 3: Wait 15 minutes. Step 4:Wipe off excess stain. Repeat steps 2 thru 4 for a darker look.

Clean up and go to bed.

The next morning you need to show your wife the stained boards. She will most likley say that the cool sounding color that you picked out does not look like it does on the can.

Step 5: go to Lowes and pick up a darker stain.

Using Darker stain repeat Steps 1 thru 4. But this time make sure you pick up some paint thinner for yourself. This will help battle the chill in the garage. I prefer my paint thinner of the Canadian blended or rye variety. On the rocks.


Note in the above picture the board has been already stained with a cool sounding name type of stain that was not dark enough.


Step 1: Wait for coldest night to work in garage. Step 2: Cover the board in liberal amounts of stain. Step 3: Wait fifteen to twenty minutes. Step 3(A): this is where having paint thinner for yourself comes in handy. Drink liberal amounts.
Step 4: Wipe off excess stain, only to be surprised that the board does not look that much darker than when you started. Step 4(A) This is another moment where the paint thinner comes in handy. Empty contents of glass. This is the perfect time to replenish the paint thinner and add more ice.

Repeating steps 2 thru 4 to try and get darker look. Making sure to pay particular attention to Step 3(A) and Step 4 (A). Step 1 does not need repeating because if the paint thinner has been used correctly, the temperature of the garage does not matter at this time.


After Step 4 you should notice that again the wood looks almost exactly the same as when you started. Repeat Step 4(A). Now repeat steps 2 thru 4 two more times. After the fourth try and fourth glass of thinner, look at the board and say "Fuck it, it will do."


17 comments:

Melinda said...

Merry Christmas, Bill!
Thanks for the staining tips.

Elda - Peace in the Storm said...

You forgot the wood conditioner. It helps to get a more "truer" stain on the wood.

Happy Holidays to ya.

SciFi Dad said...

I follow a different procedure.

Step 1: buy the wife a nice table cloth to cover unfinished wood.
Step 2: paint thinner.

James (SeattleDad) said...

I think your problem is the Canadian thinner. You need one manufatured in the good ole USofA. Use liberal amounts and you should be good.

Charity Donovan said...

Step 5: Blast "The Who"...in particular "Won't Get Fooled Again"...those darn merchandisers & their clever names & pretty pictures!

Have a very Merry Christmas Bill & a prosperous (& stain/begat free) 2010!

Anonymous said...

generally stain won't get darker if you put more on... test an area and if it's not dark enough, try to take the stain back and say "oops got the wrong one". Also helps to stir it since all the actual colour settles into a thick goop at the bottom. Mmmm to your version of paint thinner!! Canadian is the way to go!

eclectic said...

Wood staining projects are one of the main reasons god made the guys at Home Depot or Lowe's. Just sayin'.

But if you must stain yourself, I think the problem stems from too many rocks in the paint thinner... it dilutes all the good stuff. Next time, drink it neat.

Anonymous said...

I like that song the guy from stain did with limp biscuit.

Bogart in P Towne said...

You could just move. I hear Florida is nice this time of year.

Creative Breathing said...

Merry Christmas William and the Gigglepotamus family! Boy did it take me a while to "get" your Christmas card. Oh Bi, have you never heard of Women's Studies? You will never win in your lifetime, there's no literature to support it. Here's wishing all good things to you in the coming New Year! Your writing is truly a treasure to me! Elizabeth

James said...

Paint thinner. So many uses around the house.

Anonymous said...

I have always admired the way you handle a rocks glass. It is like a sommelier to wine.

Lauren said...

Thank you for this educational tutorial- top notch. I will be sure to use a similar method when stripping, sanding and refinishing the coffee table that my 3 boys have destroyed. :)

magda said...

"Fuck, it will do". Without that step, the whole project may have been awash. I think I want to introduce that as a final step to all of my projects.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

OK, now I see where I went wrong. Note to self: Make sure it's the coldest night, get paint thinner for myself, and be sure at the end announce it complete with "fuck it will do" and wallah! Perfection! ;)

Thanks for the giggle - or you can thank Magda for calling you and this post a Christmakuh gift... ;)

Happy New Year! :)

The Absence of Alternatives said...

So... paint thinner is not for sniffing? Note to self... Thanks for the tip!

The Absence of Alternatives said...

Oh. Have to agree with Magda. The last step is a stroke of genius!