Thursday, January 29, 2009

Wipes

I was at my friend JT's house the other night when he told me this story. The hows and why of him telling me this story are also funny but not as funny as the actual story. I will do my best to tell the story accurately but I may embellish a bit so it makes sense.

A long time ago JT had his first baby and he was discussing the whole diaper changing situation with his brother DP. DP started talking about how awesome baby wipes are for cleaning almost everything. Now DP's kid was little older than JT's kid and DP kept wipes in his bathroom for potty training purposes. DP then told JT that he uses baby wipes on himself when he has a hard time cleaning himself after, well, using the toilet.

"You know how sometimes, after you go, you just don't feel like you are getting your butt completely clean?" DP said to JT. "I use a baby wipe and I feel so much better."

Yes, guys, especially brothers who at one point shared a bathroom, do talk about bathroom habits, the good, the bad, the ugly.

JT made a mental note of this bit of fatherly/brotherly advice.

A few weeks later JT used the bathroom and did not feel like toilet paper was doing a good enough job. He noticed that his wife left a new container of wipes in the bathroom and so he decided to try DP's advice. He opened the container of wipes and wiped himself. He immediately felt an intense burning sensation that did not subside for a few minutes. The pain was so bad that his forehead started to sweat. JT thought to himself, "WOW! DP must be a serious trooper or really need to feel clean to go through this kind of pain." JT never considered that the wipes could cause a baby pain.

Later that night JT's wife asked JT if he opened the wipes in the bathroom. He told her that he did.

"What did you use them for?" she asked.

JT felt a little weird but then told her about his conversation with DP and that he used the new wipes to clean his own butt.

Of course, she most likely fell into a fit of laughter, because the wipes she left in the bathroom were Lysol Disenfectant Cleaning Wipes. With Bleach!

40 comments:

Melissa said...

OH DEAR LORD!!!!

one must ALWAYS read before wiping.


hilarious!

Bunny said...

*snort* Lucky I wasn't taking a sip of tea, else it would be all over my screen!

JP said...

At least he got everything clean and disinfected. OUCH! A little bleach goes a long way...

Patience said...

READ THE LABEL!!!

That is really funny!

Anonymous said...

To make things worse and more embarrassing: I didn't get a chance to tell the whole story. I used the wipes on two seperate occassions with extreme pain, before the wife filled me in.

SciFi Dad said...

Best.post.ever.

The only thing that would make it better is if he had dropped the wipe in the toilet and the bleach from the wipe and the ammonia from the urine combined to knock him unconscious.

Anonymous said...

JT is a wipe

The Practical One said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Little Miss English Teacher said...

HAHAHAHA! Well, at least he is squeaky clean now!

Ethan, Zach, and Emma's Mom said...

Yikes. Ouch. Those are all the words I have. Yep. Ouch.

maria in Nj said...

Men don't ask for directions or read labels! Ouch.

Anonymous said...

reminds me of the time i brushed my teeth with the tooth brush i scrub the floor with ...NASTY

kittenpie said...

Oh my hell - thank you for the laugh! This is why we keep the cleaning wipes up high and the bottom wipes, well... down low.

kalki said...

That is classic.

Ern said...

OWIE!

I'm curious, though. Did it bleach any of the...uh...follicular growth in the vicinity?

Daddy Geek Boy said...

I'm brand new here and going to introduce myself by confessing that, sadly, I've done this.

gigglepotamus said...

I guess they'll have to add one more thing to the warning label on those wipes: Not for use on the anal area.

Charity Donovan said...

Oh my...he might need some Desitin Diaper Rash cream after that little incident! lol!

Mindy said...

YOWCH! That would totally be not fun. Lol.

Amy Genn said...

So funny! My son is asleep in my arms and I'm trying not to laugh to hard so i don't wake him!!!

eclectic said...

Kills germs. If the brain cells are already dead, I guess.

teri said...

OH,that was hysterical. Poor man.

Does he know they make wipes specifically for those purposes?

amelia said...

I feel bad for his bum--but thankful for the great laugh!

The Q said...

That's pretty funny! I too would have asked the Hubs what he used the wipes for if I saw that he had opened a package, because I *know* he wasn't cleaning the bathroom with them! ;-)

Anonymous said...

I would love to see the facial expression in that instant after the wipe and as the pain sets in...
followed by the thought process...
Babies must have some tough rear ends...

Anonymous said...

DP needs to get better TP !

Bogart in P Towne said...

Is that worse than Icy Hot in the grundle?

sari said...

That actually made me laugh out loud, poor guy.

Practically Joe said...

He might have had a clue if he was in the habit of smelling his fingers after his business.
How many senses do you use in completing that task ... come on ... at least four out of five.

Fulton Quads said...

I cannot wait till I talk to my hubby to tell him this! I can TOTALLY see him doing this! Made me almost pee my pants! hahahha! Thanks for such a great laugh!

Love, Cathy & the quads

kimmyk said...

OMG. I'm totally sharing this story with Honey as he is a wipe man.

Bleach. Holy crap!

Jody said...

OMG! I am totally with DP on the wipes thing... But the bleach ones... OUCH!

Sheri said...

Oh dear. Why do I read your blog while at work? It's so hard not to LOL!

Anonymous said...

Oh my God... I actually laughed so hard at work reading this that my colleagues got a bit worried.

This was really really funny!!!

Annalisa - the Netherlands

Tracey said...

*Laughing hysterically!*
Bless his heart.

Anonymous said...

I have heard this story before, and yes it still makes me laugh again and again.

Super Mega Dad said...

Man, something like that would go to the grave with me. Brother or not, my lips are sealed.

dadreckoning said...

I'm no girly man but any means, but I swear by those Charmin wet wipes. They're flushable (unlike the baby wipes) & really do the trick. I even keep some in my locker to take the edge off the 800 grit sandpaper the cheap bastards at work provide.

CageQueen said...

Damn. But so, so funny. We leave "Personal Cleansing Wipes" in our bathroom, as do most of our friends.

How To Wipe Your Butt said...

Oh gosh. That's not good. I'm sure he's thrilled that it's on the internet for all to see. :)

I do agree that wet-wipes are a necessity though.