Thursday, June 19, 2008

Confessions of a Former Class Officer

Below is my friend Susan's response to yesterday's post.

Clarifications and Confessions of a Former Class Officer
By Susan aka Tori

Dear Bill,
I obviously feel compelled to respond at length to your blog entry about the reunion, having been called out in such fashion.

Clarification 1. How can you say you weren’t popular? If you went to our high school with the last name M****m, you were automatically popular, even if you were secretly a big dork with an enormous comic book collection.

Clarification 2. I was not popular. Viola-playing, theater-loving, academic decathletes by definition are not popular. Now, according to Clarification 1, if my last name had been M****m like yours, it wouldn’t matter if I picked my nose and ate it every day, I still would have been popular.

I wish I could tell you that I ran for class officer because I was super passionate about who won the Hallway Decorating Competition (we lost our senior year and Steve G yelled at me) or because I wholeheartedly looked forward to the day when I would be privileged enough to plan the reunion. But really, I just wanted two things.

First, I wanted that bright yellow hall pass that enabled me to do whatever the hell I wanted at any point in the school day, that golden ticket that said, “Class Council Business.” As a class officer senior year, you were just given this blank hall pass with unlimited use. Flash that golden slip at any hall monitor or teacher, saying something like, oh I don’t know, “I need to go buy more posters for the Pep Rally,” and you were out of class. Sadly, or not, depending on your perspective, I used most of this time to go get Slurpees, which, looking back, was this weird status symbol in our school. If you showed up in school with a Slurpee, it meant a) you had a car and b) you somehow got out of school. None of this iPod, iPhone status-y crap. A Slurpee meant something in our town.

And now the second reason I ran for class officer. I am sorry to confess that I ran for class officer because…I really just needed something good for my college applications. Bill, I might not have needed to partake in this sham if I had not spent all of 9th grade Social Studies competing with you for who could get the most zeros. (Although it is worth noting that for as many of the zeros I accumulated for not doing a shred of homework and talking to you through entire classes, many of my zeros were also accumulated by eating in class. You may remember that the marching band was selling candy to go to Florida and I single-handedly bought and consumed enough candy to fund the entire trip.)

From the bitter, bitter tone in your blog entry, I now understand that there were many people, such as you, who held pure, practically holy motives in running for Class Council, and to all of those individuals, I apologize for snagging the job in the interest of Slurpees and entrance into an excellent liberal arts college. And so, realizing the errors of my past, I hereby in the presence of the entire blogosphere, renounce my claim to the position of Secretary of the Class of 1988 and appoint Bill as my worthy successor.

To Cyndi, Kim, Tiffany, Tara, and anyone else who planned and executed our 5th, 10th and 15th reunions: a belated thank you for doing my former job for me. I had a lot of fun and got really drunk at all three. I would feel really happy if you all did it again, and this time I will be more outwardly thankful. I think you clearly have a very interested person to recruit for the planning committee named Bill, especially since he is now Secretary of the Class of 1988. And it seems that if you’re really lucky, at the end of each planning meeting, he might dry hump you like he did Steve W.

26 comments:

Susie said...

Congratulations, Secretary Bill. Time to put on your super-hero secretary shirt and start planning. :)

Anonymous said...

Isn't 1988,the year that the Humpty Dance came out? Forget Post it Notes, you and Steve W invented a dance.

Patience said...

That speech made me cry! Kinda reminded me of when Richard Nixon resigned.

Press forward, Secretary Bill! Do the reunion thing, and do it right!

(This from one who has never and will never attend a high school reunion.)

Circus Kelli said...

Yeah, good luck with that, Bill.

Katrina said...

I asked the hubs about this slurpee thing, and apparently it was "cool" at HH too. He mentioned going to the "sev" and getting "some slurpees and sh*t."

And I thought WE were backwards in the mountains of NC. ;o) Our slurpees were waaaay better because we juiced ours up with moonshine, as half our grandpas still made it. And yes we drank it in school.

Sharkey said...

Okay, how do I get to Susan/Tori's blog? Because that's some funny stuff. I might need to add her to my Bloglines.

Do secretaries get a title? You know like Your Honor or Your Holiness? Just want to know what I should call you now.

Teri said...

Hysterical.

Batter up, Bill.

Who knew slurpees were so popular.

When I attended UM during the 1982/1983 school year, I noticed that skiing was the main theme.

Teri said...

speaking of coordinating events, who's in charge of getting our blogger bowling event together?

Susie?

courtneyryan369 said...

haha that's awesome! Good luck.

We decided that since we saw everyone from our class (who'd actually come to a reunion) at Easter and Christmas that we don't have to have a 10 year reunion.

Enjoy it!

Anonymous said...

It's only right, Bill! She has given you the job! Reunions are fun! Take it from one who has been to a few. After our 50th from 8th grade, several of the girls and I get together every 6 weeks for dinner. It is great! We had not seen each other in 44 years. Now we are good buddies again, and have renewed those priceless friendships. There are as many as twelve who meet for dinner. Have that reunion! Those who don't come will miss a good time. Renewing old friendships is the best. momo9

Anonymous said...

It's only right, Bill! She has given you the job! Reunions are fun! Take it from one who has been to a few. After our 50th from 8th grade, several of the girls and I get together every 6 weeks for dinner. It is great! We had not seen each other in 44 years. Now we are good buddies again, and have renewed those priceless friendships. There are as many as twelve who meet for dinner. Have that reunion! Those who don't come will miss a good time. Renewing old friendships is the best. momo9

Anonymous said...

I don't studder!!!!!What happened here?

The Middle Child said...

BAH-HA-HA-HA-HA
That was too funny!
I hope you have a good time at your reunion regardless of who helps put it together. I have never been to a reunion probably because I am too cheap to buy a ticket from NY to TX just to attend one. I was a military brat, had four different high schools, so really... what was I missing? Hanging out with the people that I barely knew? No big, but hey, you have fun now, ya hear?

rudecactus said...

Oh thank heaven for 7-11.

Lame, yes.

sari said...

That's probably the funniest blog entry I've read in weeks. Maybe months.

Have fun planning the reunion!

April said...

Is it just me or does everyone think you must absolutely serve Slurpees at this event? There you go Bill, I've done a little of the planning for you. And you are welcome. :)

Melinda said...

Dear Guest Blogger Susan, All very interesting and funny but spill more dirt about Bill. Cheers!

littlebluerambler said...

Boy, it was good to see someone else did proper stuff for shady reasons. I would only go to my 30th if I could get completely trashed and make fun of people with my girlfriends. We went to the Turkey Hill. Oh, that slurpee/shine treat does sound like a winner for the reunion.

Anonymous said...

ah, sue, you still got it! THAT'S why you were popular, the smart and funny thing. that, plus the dress mishap during grease...

bill, looks like it's all you now!

whatever did happen to CH?

Becky said...

Bravo Secretary! I'm giving you a standing O right now...way to call out the Humpster!

I hate to rain on your parade William, but a classmate at my alma-mater got hit by a car while crossing the street on the way to 7-11, slurpees were never the same after that.

Sad but true.

Even more sadly, I have carried the guilt all these years for thinking that he was a dork...and then he got hit. Sniff, sniff.

How many more years must I carry that guilt...or do I just drink a compensatory slurpee and move on?

Curious.

The Maid

Kevin Charnas said...

Dude, I think that you should forget all this yester-year stuff and come with me to the next big WWF Championship in Nepal.

Dude, you should see them toss Sherpas! They're pretty small you know, so they can really fly.

And once they bring in the yaks and the yetis? Forget it. It's all over. The crowd goes wild.

kcinnova said...

That was one funny post!
I'd say Susan made it quite clear. Translation? Tag, you're it! ;)

Let us know what you are doing for the reunion. Slurpees?

eclectic said...

As your (unofficial and definitely unlicensed in Pennsylvania) attorney, here's the thing:

Unless her office is resigned prior to the 10-year Reunion, the statute of limitations prevents her from resigning it EVER.

Therefore, Bill, if you take over the secretary job, you will actually be committing a fraud, since the true secretary did not properly resign and was not relieved of her authority (No one took away her hall pass OR her liberal arts degree, right?), and was also not relieved of her responsibilities vis a vis the 20-year Reunion.

Alternatively, you can just open up several bottles of alcohol, and call it a "Reunion."

Anonymous said...

Also, Reunion indicates that there was union to begin with. I am not sure Sue can take this stance.

Jody said...

Bwa-haaa-haa. I guess you've got a new title, Bill. Excellent.

kalki said...

Okay, Susan freaking rocks.