Monday, April 20, 2009

Torture

Recently the US government released some documents regarding the CIA interrogation techniques used on prisoners of war at Gitmo. I was a little disappointed with their list. Most of the techniques resemble some hazing stunts that fraternities would use on new pledges during rush week.

If they want to extract information from these enemy combatants I really think that CIA guys need to think outside the box. Doesn't anyone in the CIA have kids?

If I ran the prison here are a few techniques I would use.

Have the prisoner sit in a room with 5-year-old who is trying to learn to count to 1000. The 5 year old gets stuck and makes a mistake at about the 220 area. The five year old, since he messed up, then has to start over from the beginning. The prisoner cannot be released from the cell until the child reaches 1000.

The prisoner sits at a table with a two-year-old, a plate full of vegetables and an Easter basket filled with jelly beans and chocolate. The prisoner needs to convince the child to eat the vegetables.

I would put the prisoner in a room with a five-year-old and a two-year-old and huge box of Legos. I would force the prisoner to help the 5-year-old build some huge Lego truck or something. Just as the project is finished I would have the two-year-old step on it. I would repeat this 4 or 5 times. If the prisoner does not succumb to the frustration of having to rebuild the truck over and over again he most likely will break from the crying and the screaming from the 5-year-old every time the truck is smashed.

These are just a few of my suggestions. I am sure some of you may have an idea or two. Please share.

24 comments:

Bogart in P Towne said...

I think Atomic Wedgies and Noogies should be acceptable forms of interrogation.

Steve said...

The prisoner could listen to "Jingle Bells, Batman smells. Robin laid an egg." about 500 times.

sari said...

Or, they could listen to a ten year old make weird noises. My favorite is when the ten year old fills his cheeks with air and then somehow makes them slap against his gums like maybe a horse does, but right in your ear many, many times.

Or, they could be locked in a room with three boys under ten, and the combined smell of their feet and the gas they emit is considered almost lethal. That would make anyone talk, and quick.

Or, they could load up the entire group, and try to make it on a trip somewhere really close, say the grocery store, without one of them having to go #2 out in public and therefore cramming the entire above said group in a public restroom without actually touching anything or licking it.

Just some suggestions.

Roger Hutchison said...

Heck, this is too easy.

Just play a continuous recording of a crying, colicky newborn.

They will either tell you everything they know or go insane.

Anonymous said...

Make them read the really suck up episodes of Poop and Boogies where William shows his feminine side.

Carmen said...

"But why" is a question that, when repeated, would surely send someone off the deep end if they were locked in a room with a small person repeated it ad infinitum...

Pamela said...

Have the prisoner mention some future event to the child.

Answer any and all questions posed by the child for said event.

Prisoner will gladly tell everything he knows to be removed from the room.

Bunny said...

Remember Lamb Chop's Play-a-Long? They should subject prisoners to a bunch of little kids singing the "Song that Never Ends" for a few hours. I guarantee that will crack 'em!

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

What it should be is one of those $100 sets, but make sure the coolest piece is missing.

The kid will howl and howl until the prisoner gives up all of the information.

creative breathing said...

William! I thought I had lost you forever as my blog changes to more girly, girl fare. When I see your name I hop over and read your latest entry. This my dear friend is where your writing talent shines! I hope we will see a book from you in the future about your Dad adventures. Yes I did get to Norm. I whispered to my small sized bunch the stories behind the paintings. They had no idea they told stories. To see little Ruby in her white dress going to school in New Orleans with epitaths on the brick wall behind her was incredibly moving. I saw the Four Freedoms and EVERY single cover of the SEP! A side note for you - WOW is the new Tiger Stadium amazing! My experience at a Coney Island Hot Dog restaurant owned by two Greek brothers was to die for - another post. Keep on checking in. I love your comments the best of anyones! Elizabeth

Ethan, Zach, and Emma's Mom said...

I'd take my diaper pail, FULL of dirty and wet cloth diapers, crack it open right next to the prisoner's chair, and make him sit there. I guarantee the talking would begin.

Melinda said...

I have the perfect video to played on loop. It would have prisoners and politicians screaming to confess all, probably only on the 10th viewing!

It's called 'My Little Pony'.

I have watched it 1500 times.
I gave it to someone I didn't like when my daughter got older.

Michelle said...

Let the prisoner listen to my 16 month old scream when her 4 year sister won't give up her favorite pink puppy. It's that high pitched sound that only dogs should be able to hear, but somehow, it manages to make it to my eardrums.
Make a batch of chocolate chip cookies. Bring in a set of 7 year old twins, a 4 year old and 16 month old. Tell the children they can't have any. But let the prisoner eat just one. The damage done to him may be just enough to get him to start talking.
Put him in a car with a DVD player and above mentioned children. Tell children to agree on a DVD to play. After 20 minutes of fighting, pick one for them. After 20 minutes of whining, discover DVD player doesn't work. After 30 minutes of wailing, he'll talk.

Paige at MommyCast.com said...

I just read this to a friend over the phone. . . . Too funny.

creative breathing said...

Dear William, You are now a regular feature on my blog! I enjoy your writing so much, and hope it will be okay to occassionaly comment on topics that you write about. If this is not okay, please let me know. I am happy to just be a fan! Elizabeth

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Take prisoner, place them in a cell with two siblings and one toy.

kalki said...

Hilarious. I would add to this the "Why?" method of interrogation.

She'sSewPretty said...

I'm visiting from E's blog and I think that you have a great idea here! What about forcing him to convince a two year that it is time for bed over and over again!

kcinnova said...

I never had a colicky baby, but a friend of mine did. I second Roger's suggestion!

PS: Your nutrition contents on the sidebar doesn't acknowledge Jackson. Poor baby.

James said...

Great ideas. Alternatively, you could also change his diaper.

http://liayf.blogspot.com/2008/11/oh-yes-hell-sing.html

eclectic said...

Let's say you had a 5 year old and a 2 & a half year old, and let's pretend that Grandma just fed them popcorn, ice cream and cotton candy from the food fair for "lunch." Then, just for grins, let's imagine that Grandma bought a toy that's too complex for the 2 & a half year old, but gives it to them "to share" at the end of "lunch." Then, Grandma drops them off with the person to be interrogated. I give it maybe 5 minutes before he caves?

Anonymous said...

One word... TELETUBBIES.

Those things are creepy and would freak anyone out.

BKP said...

I love your post! This is exactly what I have been talking to my husband about over the past year... some of mine have been taken (Lego building/destroying, collicky baby) but WINTER COATS have definitely been my torture this past winter. Good God, you would think by February my 5 y.o. and my 2 y.o. would have figured out the routine of getting them on, but NOOOO, these guys whine when their sleeves get pushed up or the inner lining (I am banishing the individual who invented those TO HELL if given the chance) is twisted or WHATEVER. Thank God for spring weather. Both my 5 y.o. and I rejoiced at the ending of that trauma.
So, yeah, the prisoner could have to put coats on little boys. Socks and shoes too. Oh - and have a screaming baby right next to him/her and an inner voice whispering "you're 5 minutes late... you're 5 minutes late..."
I just about gave up on many a morning.

Cat said...

Put the prisoner in a car with a hyperactive 9-year-old who has just slammed a liter of Mountain Dew and who thinks he/she is going to Disneyland. Drive aimlessly. After a few hours, that dude should be ready to tell you ANYTHING you want to know.