Monday, March 16, 2009

Medical Story

One morning, about a year ago, I was stirred awake by a strange sensation in my body. After sitting up for a few seconds the sensation ceased. I figured I must have been dreaming and I went back to sleep.

A day or two later, while I was driving, the same feeling from a few nights before started again. It lasted a few minutes. I knew I was not dreaming. I got out of the car and tried to walk off the odd way I was feeling. Everything returned to normal after a few minutes and I felt better.

The next day, while I was at work, my symptom returned. I took a walk around the building and I felt better. Through out the day my symptom returned again and again. Each time was longer than the last. I took several walks around the building in an effort to ease my uneasiness. The next day was the same. I mentioned the weirdness to Lauren and she suggested I call the doctor.

The fifth day, the symptom, the odd feeling, the strange sensation came back and it did not go away. I called the doctor.

The family medical practice that I go to is a facility where they train doctors. Basically there are one or two permanent physicians and all the others are just there to learn before they move on to their specialty or another practice. I do not think I have ever seen the same doctor twice. The practice is like a box of chocolates, when you make an appointment you never know what you are going to get.

The receptionist answered and I told her I wanted to make an appointment.

"Well sir, the first available appointment we have is three weeks from Thursday." She said.

"Do you have anything sooner?" I asked. " I think I should see someone sooner."

"Is it an emergency sir?" She asked in that condescending tone that all medical receptionists have.

"Well, no. Not really. I mean I would not go to an emergency room or anything, its just that I need something sooner."

"I could have you see Dr. Lingen at 7PM tonight. You would be her last appointment. What is your name and date of birth?"

"Great." I said and I gave her my name and birth date. "Wait. Did you say her? I would rather see another doctor."

"Well, sir, is this an emergency?" She asked again stressing the word emergency making it sound as if she doubted me.

"Is there a male doctor I could see in the next day or so? I mean, not a doctor who only studies males but A doctor who is a male."

She got defensive. "Sir, ALL of our doctors are qualified and each one of them is supervised by our attending physicians, male and FEMALE."

"I would just prefer a man." I said and I was about to get rude but I realized she already had my name and I did not want to get blacklisted.

"Sir, why don't you tell me what you need to come in for and I will see if I can schedule some one."

"Okay." I took a deep breath. " My testicle, its vibrating."

" Ex..ex..excuse me?" She blurted.

"My testicle. It is vibrating."

"What do you mean?" She asked and I could hear her stifling a chuckle.

"I mean exactly that." I could feel my face and ears get flush. I continued, "My left testicle is twitching like there is a cell phone on vibrate mode stuck in my sac and it won't stop."

"I will have Dr. Frank Smith see you tomorrow at 11 AM."

"Thank you." I said.

The receptionist verified my date of birth and my name and when she said my name she stressed every syllable. I swore I could her her writing it down in the appointment book really really big with three exclamation points next to it just so she would remember to tell the other ladies about me and my testicle and they could all chuckle the next day.

to be continued....

56 comments:

Kim said...

Uhm well, what do I say? Good luck ? Hope you can take it "off the hook" so to speak.....: )

'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why! said...

Vibrating you say? I'll look for that in the differentials in my clinicals for nursing next semester. Keep us posted, maybe I can look smart in front of the teachers...
Good luck, weird and distracting is one thing, but I sincerely hope nothing's wrong.

Mainline Mom said...

Hmmm...and you're positive you didn't have your cell phone in your pocket? Just checkin.

kimmyk said...

Maybe you got gas.

kimmyk said...

HA! I'm totally kidding.
When you go messin' with a man's testicle that's big business. You can't joke about that stuff...

But I don't know what to say...so I joke.

I hope your pea (as in peas and carrot) is okay.

*cringe*

P.S.
If women can talk about boobs and their periods and their VAGINAS!!! you can certainly talk about your vibrating testicle.

eclectic said...

Just when I think I've heard of everything, I read here and learn that I haven't. Not yet. Hope this turns out well, because I really think Lauren needs a little girl in a year or so. ;)

Susie said...

Hurry up with the part two. And if you don't know what it is yet, talk to me about getting the right tests for lyme disease. No joke, that is one of the many symptoms. I had it. In my testicle.

Ern said...

Well, thank you for sharing, William. ;)

The Q said...

Susie's comment cracked me up.

I hope the outcome is good.

Melinda said...

Tell me, did you google, 'vibrating testicle' before you decided to finally call the doctor? Just wondering.
(Hurry up with part two. Medical stories are my specialty!)

Cole said...

I was hoping to go all my life without hearing about your testicles, Bill.

http://www.medhelp.org/forums/UrologySupport/messages/247.html

Cole said...

If you found that last link helpful, this one has an important medical film from Johnny Dangerously that might help.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KoT_IkLdsF0

gigglepotamus said...

wait... susie has a testicle? that sounds like a bigger problem to me...

Anonymous said...

I tyhink it is the mother ship calling you home.

Anonymous said...

William's ball, corner pocket.

Anonymous said...

That's what happens when you touch them all the time. LW has to ice his down every night.

Anonymous said...

Dogs just lick theirs to make them stop.

Anonymous said...

You are just one half of the Wonder Twins. You have to find your other half.

Susie said...

Anon is killing me. I've got the title of your next post here, plus the song I'll be singing all day in your honor.

Oh holy crap, here's my word verification: weerdball

Patience said...

Mainline Mom is right! Take your phone outa your pocket!

Circus Kelli said...

Wow. Hmm. It's too early here to have a half-way witty response to this, so I'll just go with sincere. I am hoping that you get some answers on this very soon.

kcinnova said...

Let's see...one year ago... and Jackson is how old?
Could it be a 'live one' readying itself for baby #4 ???

Denise @ Sunflowers, Chocolate and Little Boys said...

I hope everything ends up ok...cant wait to read part 2. And these comments are hysterical!

Nilbo said...

Your testicle is vibrating ... and Lauren wanted you to see the doctor ...? Are you sure she doesn't want the doctor to figure out how to make them BOTH do that?

Nilbo said...

And I believe we should now refer to you as Mr. Ben Wa.

My word verification: unmens

iVegasFamily said...

LOL...I can't wait to read the next part. Who's callin' your balls?

El Grande said...

I just had an image of those desk toys where the steel balls go back and forth (Newton's Cradle a classic desk toy).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j60mfytFjSA

Anonymous said...

and this is a bad thing?

Nilbo said...

Paging Bucky ... Bucky, to the stage, please ...

Anonymous said...

I do flash back to your story regarding bumper nuts

Bucky Four-Eyes said...

When your palms itch
Money comes in a batch;
When your balls twitch
There's a chick 'bout to hatch.

Sheri said...

Oh, my! I really can't wait to read the rest of the story

Bogart in P Towne said...

Maybe you have a testicular pregnancy.

Michelle said...

Nothing like some vibrating testes to bring out the funny in everyone! I swear this made me laugh out loud during a business call and I had to feign a coughing fit.

Anonymous said...

I think it is shivering since you shaved your beard.

Anonymous said...

I know that if a nut vibrates enough the bolt falls off.

James said...

Ha! Mine has been having hot flashes. Can you ask him about that while your at it?

Uh, and let's keep this to ourselves, ok?

Thanks William.

Anonymous said...

Tell your creative writing teacher to put that in her pipe and smoke it.

Anonymous said...

Did it vibrate as much as that football game we had as kids where the field would vibate and the players would run around in circles?

Anonymous said...

Put your left nut in..
Put your left nut out...
Put your left nut in...
And you shake it all about!

Anonymous said...

I think Jackson's first word will be ball.

SciFi Dad said...

I can't be the only one who is racing straight to Dr. Google after this, can I?

becky said...

hhahahahaa u r a brave soul ...too funny hope you found some relief....

Daddy Geek Boy said...

I've heard of "phantom ring" but this is ridiculous.

Can't wait to hear the rest.

Anonymous said...

William,

Some people would give their left nut to see a woman doctor.

Anonymous said...

Lauren says," William, my back hurts. Can you come put your vibrating nut on it?"

Anonymous said...

William,

Now turn your head and cough

"Sweet Mother of Pearl, What is that?"

Anonymous said...

William's got vibrating nuts...

Mounds Don't

Kelly said...

I hope everything turns out okay.

With that being said, I had to come back and check the comments bc I knew Anon. would be here making a scene.

I was right :)

Susie said...

Look at all the nuts who come out when you write about your nuts...

JP said...

Dude that happens to you too?!!?? Let me know what you find out.

Anonymous said...

Tabitha from Bewitched would wiggle her nose and Magic would happen.

Anonymous said...

I was pre-med for 4 semesters. We need a bug zapper and jumper cables.

kalki said...

Perhaps you just have a talent most men don't have, one you haven't yet figured out how to harness. In a couple years, every man will want vibrating testicles. You should totally patent this.

gigglepotamus said...

I somehow think we could use this to our advantage...

Andrea said...

this reminds me of a joke :)...

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?'

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with you ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.