Flirting

I love hitting on my wife. I really do. Sometimes the flirting is a genuine, “I think you are beautiful.” Or something along those lines. But most of the times the pass or come on line is usually an immature verbal “boob-grab-honk-honk” type of compliment like “You are so hot.” Or “You are sexy.”

And like most guys, my flirting, and yes it is flirting, sometimes is just turning a normal conversation turned into something along the lines of a wink-wink-nudge-nudge.

Lauren’s cell phone is broken. It only works when it is in speakerphone mode. Meaning that anyone around Lauren can hear what is being said on the line. It took me a couple of conversations to remember that I am on speakerphone when talking to her.

She calls me.

“Hey Bill. I am at my mom’s and she is going to watch the kids while I run to the store to get dinner.”

“What are you going to get?”

“I need to pick up some spices for a recipe I am trying.”

“I got some spice for you.”

“Bill.”

“Yes.”

“You’re on speaker phone.”

That is how the conversations went. Now that I know her cell only works on speakerphone I use it my advantage.

“Hey Bill. I am at Jessica’s and I need you to do me a favor.”

“Am I on speaker phone?”

“Yes.”

“What kind of favor do you need? Bow Chicka bow wow.”

“Bill. Knock it off.”

I now use the phrase “Am I on speakerphone?” very much like Michael from the show The Office uses “That’s what she said.” It may be starting to get a little old with Lauren.

She called me the other day.

“Hey Bill. My Mom and I and the kids just left the park and we are going back to her house for dessert. Can you stop and pick up some Cool Whip?”

“Am I on speakerphone?”

“Goodbye.” –Click.

She didn’t even wait to see if I could pick some up.