Secrets

When we moved to FL we moved into a development that has a lake 1 block from our house. I want to buy a boat. Lauren has already agreed to this, however the actual type/amount of the boat has never been discussed. I asked my brother to send Lauren some info on boats to kind of push her in the right direction. The following is part of their emails back and forth. A few things that are strange is no mention of boat anywhere as well as the fact that both my wife and brother are divulging secrets. My wife explaining my incompetence and my brother revealing the reasons for it. I just want a boat.


JOHN,
What exactly are we cheating and/or winning at? And what do you mean by your ability to play dirty? I think you may suffer from "I don't have the time to be bothered with this" syndrome, something that Bill suffers from as well. However, in your haste to get everything done at the speed of light, as you put it, your work is sloppy and in many cases has to be re-done, causing even more lost time and money.
Example: Our fountain pump has been broken for several weeks. I finally found the manual that explains how to properly take it apart and put it back together. I asked Bill if he read the instructions, and he said yes. Well, if he had, he would have seen that he is not supposed to use caulk to put it back together, because it makes the water milky, and if he should ever need to take it apart again, it now has to be cut apart, whereas if he used plumber's putty, like the instructions say, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Needless to say, he is redoing the project again this weekend. Now I understand that you are both incredibly busy men, what with all the golf and video games that need to be played, but wouldn't you agree that one weekend day on a project is better than two? My theory is do it the right way the first time, and even though it may take a few extra precious seconds longer, you won't have to worry about it again.

Oh, and didn't your mom ever tell you cheaters never prosper? LAUREN

LAUREN,
Let me explain the mentality of a semi-retarded-when-it-comes-to-tools man. You see, if we do it right the first time, you will assume that we know what we are doing, and may actually be good at meaningless chores. This then leads to more meaningless chores being added to our list, cause we are now good at it. So there is never a do it right, and be done mentality with you girls. Your mentality is if we do it right the first time, then we can do more things.

Example: Vic did not like the faucets in our bathroom. Vic wanted new ones. So we got new ones and I started the installation process. The first step of the installation is to remove the existing faucets. There were no directions on this step of the process, so I made them up. This was time consuming on the first one, cause I had no clue as to what I was doing. I have never aspired to be a plumber, nor am I crafty enough to pretend to be one. So after a hack saw, a blow- torch, and some good old fashioned cursing and screaming, I got the bastard off. Then I installed the new faucet. That was a piece of cake. So now I had to move onto the next faucet. My keen sense of observation while dismantling the first faucet made me notice two bolts that I had not seen while I was cursing, sweating, and aching. I did not see these bolts until after I pulled it out from the sink. So on the second one, I loosened those bolts before trying to pry it away. It came right out. No crow-bar. No blow-torch. No hack-saw. Out it came. So I put the second new faucet in. The first faucet took the good part of 3 hours. The second took me 20 minutes. You know what I got for realizing that it is a 20 minute project? I got 4 new faucets to change in all the other rooms. That's right, now I have to change them all. If it was hard, I would have no more faucet duty. But cause it is easy, I am now a plumber. She is even talking toilets now. That blows.
JOHN

JOHN
Ok, so what you're telling me is you and Bill are both evil geniouses diguised as idiots? LAUREN