"You seem a little stressed out." Lauren said to me in a matter of fact way. We were cleaning up from lunch. "You need to go and drink some beers with the guys or something."
"The guys?" I said. "I don't have any guys. Besides it is Sunday afternoon. 1 o'clock no less."
"If you could go and drink beers and hang out with someone," Lauren asked "who would it be?"
I thought to myself, "Bob. But he lives 40 minutes away. Half my beer drinking time would be spent on travel time. Dave, but it would be weird to call him and ask him to go drink beers. He would think I was in some serious trouble."
I said. "I don't know."
Lauren finished wiping down the table.
"Ken." I blurted.
"What? Who?" Lauren asked.
"Ken M." I actually said his last name but I do try to give people a bit of anonymity on this blog to potentially save them from embarrassment. "I could always call Ken and say Let's meet up for a beer or whatever, and Ken would be like, 'Okay."
"Call Ken." Lauren said.
"I haven't spoken to Ken since I dry humped in the super market parking lot. I am not calling him."
I then took Maxfield and Wyatt food shopping, to Rita's Water Ice for free water ice day, then to play baseball, (me as a dad playing ball, not as a coach with other kids) then to the playground (apparently me as dad playing ball is no where near as fun as when there are other kids around) then we went home.
"I am going to go out to get beer." I told Lauren.
"Really?" She asked.
"Yes. You asked me who I would want to just hang out with and have a few beers, well that would be you. We will sit out back, in the sun, and have a couple while the kids play."
"I will be back in a bit. Any preference?" I asked as I grabbed my keys. "Blue Moon or Yuengling Lager?"
"Lager." She said.
I returned 20 minutes later. Lauren greeted me at the driveway. A maroon minivan was backing out. It was my neighbor Lisa's Van. My boys play with her boys all of the time. My two older boys were inside the minivan.
"Where are the boys going?" I asked.
"To Lisa's to play with her boys. Lisa asked me if I wanted to go to Home Goods. I said yes but I needed to wait for you to come home since Jackson is napping. Her husband is watching the kids while we go to Home Goods. She is coming back to pick me up."
"Wait," I said "you are going to Home Goods with Lisa? What happened to drinking beers out back in the sun with me?"
Then it hit me, Home Goods. Lauren said Home Goods. The store that on most days, can just overpower Ikea as the best store ever, in the whole wide world. Me and a few Yeunglings didn't stand a chance.
A few minutes later I grabbed a beer and went out back. I sat on a wicker rocker in the middle of my yard and watched the dog chew a stick. I probably looked like a fool to my older neighbor who was busy raking her back yard and filling her birdfeeders with seed.
A few minutes after that Lauren and Lisa popped their heads out the back door.
"We're leaving." Lauren said. "Keep an ear out for Jackson."
"You are like the dog in the movie UP." I told Lauren. "But instead of the word squirrel, you hear Home Goods and you're like all distracted."
My neighbor, Mrs. T. (no relation to Mr. T of the I pitty the fool fame. I just am not using her last name give anonymity to people to save them the embarrassment of being on this blog. Although if her husband did use the phrase I pitty the fool it would be awesome.) head popped up from her diligent raking duties and said "Did you say Home Goods?"
It was like a squirrell ran in front of all of them.