Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Kissing Daniel

Warning: Some of the mental images the following post may invoke may be graphic and not suitable to all readers. Reader discretion is advised.


I have big thighs. I get this from my mom’s side of the family. One of the problems with having big thighs is that I tend to chafe. I tend to chafe in the groin area. What causes the chafing? Well it is a combination of friction of my inner thigh rubbing against the seam of my underwear or shorts. Often times, moisture in the same area, can cause me to chafe even more. Some people refer to the chafing as a sweat rash. It is hot down there which is where the term hotter than balls comes from. Now that I am running I have been getting more chafed, like really, really bad. Running causes me to sweat as well as it increases the friction in that particular area. The moisture from the sweat causes the underwear I am wearing to become more heavy and clingy and also more abrasive. This then causes me to chafe. It is a bad case of diaper rash for a lack of a better term.

Another big chafing scenario is when I go to the beach. The moisture from going into the ocean as well as getting sand stuck in my trunks has caused me some of the worst rashes as well as pain I have ever felt. Combine that with the walk to and from the beach it feels like I have sand paper scraping my grundle. Usually by the end of the walk home I have the gait as if I had just rode a horse for a few hours. It would be so bad I would then spend the next day smelling like baby powder and Desitin. The rashes I have gotten from the beaches would be so red and bumpy and painful and inflamed that they could ruin an entire week vacation.

This curse of chafing also affects other members of my family.

During our family’s big July 4th/Mom’s birthday party, I overheard my brother Dan talking to a few of my other brothers. As often is the case when you grow up with 7 other boys the conversation switched to the topic of balls. Not baseballs or soccer balls or basketballs but, you know…balls.

“I swear” Dan said to Jimmy. “You will want to kiss me after you try the new shorts.”

“Really?” someone else asked.

“Yeah. I now wear them all the time under my swim suit.” Dan confirmed. “I have not had a rash since.”

"Are you talking about preventing monkey butt?" I asked.

"No. I am talking about the sweat rash you get at the beach." Dan said.

I was intrigued by the conversation and I asked Dan what he was talking about. He told me he bought some new moisture wicking underwear, the kind that athletes use, and that he wears them under his swim trunks. The underwear wicks the moisture away from his groin and it has dramatically reduced any kind of chafing he would get from his walks to and from the beach. Dan called the underwear his junk protectors. He then told me I should get a pair and try it since I was going to the shore the following week.

“You will not believe how much better you will feel.” Dan said. “You will want to kiss me for me telling you about this underwear.”

Now my brother Dan is not one to just give out unsolicited advice. I mean maybe he will tell you about a new tool he recommends or that he discovered better bourbon, but to suggest new clothes is just not his (pardon the pun) style. Since he was so adamant about the new underwear I purchased a few pair for my trip to the beach.

I bought the boxer brief style which were a little smaller in size than the boxer briefs I am used to wearing. The material is made with “moisture wicking technology” (I have never worn underwear with technology in them) and has a stretchy-spandex kind of feel to them. The smaller size, the tight fit and the stretchy fabric made everything look a bit bigger, which, I gotta admit, I did not mind. The smaller size, the tight fit and the stretchy fabric made me feel like I was wearing part of a superhero costume, which, I gotta admit, was kind of cool.

I wore my new underwear to the beach every day while I was on vacation. Let me tell you this is the best underwear I have ever worn. I did not get one rash. I wore them one my runs, no rash. I wore them in the ocean and in the sand, no rash. Half way through my vacation I called my brother Dan to thank him for the advice on the underwear.

"Dan, the next time I see you I am going to kiss you." I said.

"Was I right about the shorts or what?"

"I love them. Not a single rash. I wear them everyday."

"I told you." Dan said.

"Not only do I not have any chafing but when I put them on I feel like I am putting on a superhero costume, and for that, well Dan, when I kiss you I may even give you some tongue."


UPDATED 7-28-10
I purchased my awesome underwear at Sears and bought the Structure Brand. (make sure they are the moisture wicking kind).

18 comments:

wordmama said...

I kept waiting for the images you'd warned about. Guess they were the mental ones instead!

I bought my husband a few pairs of these last year and I agree that they're the best thing for man parts since the banana hammock (okay, maybe WAY better than the hammock). Not only do they reduce chafing, but they also cut down on that repulsive odor you men tend to accumulate down there! Needless to say, we both love the super hero undies!

Susie said...

Thank you for no pictures. So, what is the brand, dude? I will get them for my husband. And thanks for not posting photos. Except, maybe you should post some in your new panties and a cape. And maybe a mask.

(haha! My word verification is "nixed." Sounds like the blogger gods don't like my photo idea.)

Charlotte in Pa said...

Now I'm busy trying to come up with a name for a superhero whose balls don't chafe. Stay-Dry Scrotum Man? Billy Ball Buster? Hmm...

SoozieQ said...

We didn't have a trophy topper in his underwear and a cape, or I would have put that one on your trophy. Sorry.

Nilbo said...

Another option is Body Glide, like marathoners use. And as amusing as the story is, I just KNOW I am going to be equally delighted by the comments from women who want pictures of you in your superhero tights or who freely admit they have an intimate acquaintance with men's personal odors ...

Ah, Bill ... can open, worms everywhere. I love it. I could kiss you. When you're done with Daniel.

Melinda said...

When are you going to get some sponsorship for these spiffy no whiffy nut charmers?

amonkeyslife said...

I'm with Suzie on that I will totally buy some for my husband if you post the brand. He's ALWAYS in pain when we go the the beach and I hate seeing him in that much pain (okay, so I kinda of laughed a little the last time, but you have to see the walk :-P). Poor boys!

Mainline Mom said...

Oh the images! And thanks to Nilbo, I now am imagining him and Bill kissing...LOL. Seriously though, brand? My husband has never complained about this to me, however he is not a runner. But I think he would still benefit, so maybe I'll get him a pair before our trip to the beach next week!

Anonymous said...

You devote an entire post to this fantastic underwear, but leave us hanging to guess what brand it is or where to buy it?
Wow, that's harsh....haha
I agree with Nilbo, body glide is also good stuff (looks like a stick of deodorant), works really well with chafing and can be found in almost any sports stores.

SciFi Dad said...

A better title would be Brokeback Boogies.

Also, I now know more about your nards than I ever wanted to.

kcinnova said...

What?!? Mental images but no brand?!?
Where is your compassion?

Shannon said...

This post gave me the warm fuzzies. I love happy endings.

Bogart in P Towne said...

#1. Wear them when you run. It solved all my chafing problems.

#2. If you forget them, astroglide or vasoline work. It is what we used when we ran the Goofy Challenge.

#3. Please email me some of the pictures. I really need to see Captain Poop and Boogies...wait, that came out all wrong. Just post some pics or something.

Anonymous said...

Caldasene Powder was the cure-all for that when you were younger.This year, while on vacation, your brothers were showing each other their magical under-bathing-suit attire. In front of me, they would lift the leg of their suits to show the nifty, tight fitting pants. They all claimed,"no rash, no rub, no sores. They all walked home from the beach 'pain-free". Magical under garments! Now how do you cure it for fat-thighed old ladies???

Anonymous said...

Caldasene Powder was the cure-all for that when you were younger.This year, while on vacation, your brothers were showing each other their magical under-bathing-suit attire. In front of me, they would lift the leg of their suits to show the nifty, tight fitting pants. They all claimed,"no rash, no rub, no sores. They all walked home from the beach 'pain-free". Magical under garments! Now how do you cure it for fat-thighed old ladies???

Anonymous said...

Seriously Dude, what brand? Inquiring minds wanna know.

ToadyJoe said...

Brand please!!!

www.burgos-3d.com said...

I found a great deal of effective data in this post!