I was finishing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen when Lauren came down the steps. The kids were all in bed, asleep for the night.
"What do you want to do?" She asked.
I dried my hands. "How about you and I...you know." I raised my eyebrows.
She rolled her eyes. "Is that all you ever think about?"
"What? I can't help it. It is partly your fault. You always look so hot."
She looked at herself in her tattered T-shirt and sweat pants. Her hair was pulled up in a ponytail.
"Oh right." she said sarcastically. "I am so hot in this."
"You are." I said.
"I don't feel hot." She said rubbing her eyes and yawning. "Some days these boys wear me out."
"Well I think you look great."
"Really? You are only saying that because you want something."
"No. You know I still think you are attractive."
" I know. Sometimes I just don't see what you see."
I thought, that maybe, I was winning her over. You know what I'm saying. I put my arms around her waist and gently kissed her forehead. She did not pull away.
"You are like a priceless piece of art work. You are beautiful. You are like a Picasso or the Mona Lisa or any of those old masterpieces hanging in a museum." I said.
She looked up at me. "Really?" She asked.
"Yeah." I kissed her neck.
"Okay." She said. "But just so you know, those paintings, hanging in the museums they are to be looked at." She nudged me away. "You are not allowed to touch those old masterpieces."
That night I really enjoyed episodes of The Office and 30 Rock.
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18 comments:
REJECTED! Awww poor Bill. Nice try.
don't feel rejected Bill, understand that Lauren was just helping you appreciate the work of a Master. Look, but don't touch. Maybe next time you'll want to compare her to a thrilled hand-on exhibit at your local museum instead.
Yeouch. That's one clever woman.
Next time, you'll have to mention the current exhibit at the Please Touch Museum.
(As an aside, we had some friends who had just moved to town, and they were talking about family outings that they might try. The dad mentioned going to the Touch Me Please Museum. Uh, I don't think that's quite what it's called . . . .)
If she was Venus she would have no arms to push you away.
Your wife is brilliant. I'm sorry you were given a quick art appreciation class, but this cracked me up! Next time, you might want to try a math lesson.
Perhaps if you hadn't used the phrase "old masterpieces"...
Hahaha, I love that line! Your wife is a clever little piece of art, isn't she?
DOH!
Next time, tell her she looks like a porn star.
seriously William...OLD masterpieces...you were wooing her so well...and then....
better luck next time!
when I read the title of this post, i thought for sure it was a reprise of the post where you admitted that lauren liked to do Art. http://poopandboogies.blogspot.com/2009/09/red-handed.html
Bring chocolates and rub feet first. You know the foreplay protocol.
My word verification is 'safest' Ha!
Did she sport a Mona Lisa smile while she shot you down? Nice try though. Props.
I totally understand her - sometimes, it's not that your not interested, it's that you're too damn tired and sick of people pawing at you, to boot. I'll bet if she had an afternoon alone, she'd be looking at that offer in a whole different light! (Nice lines, by the way, could you tutor Misterpie in the art of sweet talking?)
Love this Bill. LOVE.
But really, would it have worked even if you hadn't called her old? I think next time you should play Tune In Tokyo. See if that gets you anywhere...and PLEASE let us know how that goes!
Sounds very familiar accept you are better at it than me. I don't usually make it so far before I screw up.
Lauren's sister said...that's really funny...just tell her she's the Hottest wife you have LOL.....
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