Monday, January 18, 2010

Meat

I am the primary hunter gatherer for my clan. Since my wife and children refuse to paint images on our walls of me coming home with boxes of buy-one-get-one-free Stove Top Stuffing I have to brag to people about the awesome deals I find.

This past Saturday's hunt I came home with 11.5 pounds of pork. The Acme Market was having a sale on a Hatfield (a local meat supplier) bone in pork loin combination, which was a package of ribs, center cut chops and a sirloin roast for 99 cents a pound. (A side note, Lauren thinks I do too much impulse buying when I shop but seriously, 99 cents, I had to get as much as I could.) I felt very good about my hunt, very manly.

Me William. Me hunt food.

Part of the testosterone fueled caveman in me wanted to tie the package of meat to the hood of my car so everyone in the neighborhood could see the bounty of my hunt, but I didn't. I was, however, lucky enough to have my neighbor and Lauren chatting out front as I pulled into the driveway. I thought of holding the plastic wrapped, foam bottomed beast over my head and chanting as I unloaded the car, but I didn't. I carried all of the other groceries into the house first and them I made a big display of having to get the last bag.

As I carried the bag, with two hands mind you, I nodded to Lauren and my neighbor and said, "Acme is having a great sale on pork. I got 11 pounds of it right here."

I puffed out my chest a little bit hoping the two women would ask to see what was in the bag. I wanted to show the fruits of my hunt. I needed to brag, or boast, or something.

Lauren said, "Good Lord. We don't need that much meat."

My neighbor faked a smile and said, "Oh, I don't eat anything that walks on four legs."

I knew in the back of my head that pseudo-vegetarians would not want to see a package of butchered chops and ribs. I was deflated, but I did not give up hope.

"Oh that's okay I only buy pork from two legged pigs." I said hoping I could show the awesomeness of my purchase.

I got blank stares.

They went on to discuss how my neighbor only eats meat of the two-legged variety like chicken and turkey.

Then something happened to me which was very weird. Just as I was about to say something, a little image of Lauren rolling her eyes, her face turning pink and her apologizing for me, flashed across my brain. I opened my mouth, but thought better of what I was going to say, for Lauren's sake. This must be what a filter between the brain and mouth is like. I struggled to not say the thing I was thinking of, mumbled something and went in the house.

Later I told Lauren about the strange struggle in my mind about the pork conversation.

"What were you going to say?" Lauren asked me.

"Well when she said she only eats two legged animals I was going to ask her if she knew any good chimp or human recipes."

"I would have laughed at that." Lauren said.

"Great." I said. "The one time, in the history of our relationship, that I actually thought before I spoke, completely wasted."


Sidenote-My neighbor is one of the nicest people anyone could be lucky enough to have as a neighbor. Her decision not to eat meat is, as she explained but I did not include in the above post, a personal, health conscience decision. This post was not about her choice, or anyone else's choice to not eat meat.

26 comments:

Susie said...

1. Two-legged pigs, now that's funny. 2. I think Lauren was lying to be kind to you, to reward you for your self-control; chimps and human recipes = not as funny. (One woman's opinion.)

Anonymous said...

I do not understand the premise of 2 vs 4. Are you going to some kind of special place if you follow those rules?

Anonymous said...

Maybe your neighbor is like Dr Doolittle and she can talk to only 4 legged animals.

Anonymous said...

Would she eat a centipede?

Anonymous said...

I think you should only talk to 4 legged neighbors.

Anonymous said...

My husband doesn't appreciate me deals as much as I do either. I also stock up when I find meat on sale. That is what the upright freezer is for. It saves lots of money in the end.

handstowar said...

Funny post man. My brother is a rabid vegitarian and of looks down on me for eating meat. It gets a little old.

kcinnova said...

"I only buy pork from two legged pigs." Perhaps your neighbor thinks you are a 2-legged pig?

ROTFL

Carolyn said...

Like Susie, I thought the two-legged pig comment was very funny and the chimp/human comment not so funny.
And why can't she just say "I don't eat red meat." I'd love to hear her explanation of why two-legged animals are okay but four-legged animals are not.

Anonymous said...

Why do people only eat meat from 2 legged creatures? I don't get it. Everything in moderation! A little beef, a little pork, a little buffalo, a little veal....now that one will turn heads....how is veal produced? Uncle Bud always made me feel guilty when I said I ate veal at a restaurant."Do you know what they do to that animal,in order to get that veal?" He would shout. I always responded with, " and it tastes so good". He would really get quiet then. Even if I didn't have veal, I would tell him I did, just to get that reaction. I like it all and eat it all. It takes all kinds to make up this crazy world. The rib of a turkey?...or the rib of a steer?...mmmmmmmmmm!

Lora said...

So funny! I thought it was just my husband that likes to buy large quanties of meat! I had to take his BJ's card away and forbid him to shop unsupervised!!

Giovanna said...

uggg, vegetarians, what a sad sad life that must be. I love my pig!

Daddy Geek Boy said...

If it means anything, I'm awed by your 99 cent/lb pork purchase.

laurazim said...

Good grief...does she wear leather? Or wool? Yikes.

*ahem* We also bought large quantities of pork on ridiculous sale last week. Dang, was it tasty. We are also about to call a local farmer to let him know that we want an ENTIRE cow to share with friends of ours. An entire side of beef will be processed and put into my freezers--one of which we bought specifically for last year's side--and we will delight ourselves in it's lovely redness every time we take a package out to eat. We even name them. The last one was Billy Tim Denim. (If you've seen Ocean's 11, you should be laughing.) Go ahead and tell your neighbor that if you weren't eating the four-legged meat, her yard would be overrun by four-legged creatures....

We know a guy who is so vegan, he won't eat honey. He says the beekeepers treat the bees inhumanely. Even honey that's gathered in the wild will not pass this creep's lips. I don't have the heart to tell him that honey is what bees POOP! ;)

Oh, The Joys said...

One can never, NEVER, have too much pork and anyone that says you can is a big, fat liar.

I submit bacon as irrefutable evidence.

He dicho.

Anonymous said...

99 cents!!! What a steal! I definitely need to brush up on my hunting skills. You are the master.

Michelle said...

I think both the 2-legged pigs & the chimp/human recipes are funny!

Bogart in P Towne said...

I have eaten all types of meat...and will continue to...mostly. There was that one time in college...wait...self sensor...

gigglepotamus said...

Um, can I just say that we love our neighbor, and her comment did not come off at all "preachy", more just personal preference. To each his own, no need to feel judged!

eclectic said...

True Love means: a) being willing to apologize for the statements of your beloved; and b) being willing not to state things so your beloved will not have to apologize for them.

magda said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
oddmix said...

I laughed at the two legged pig comment. I recommend that you go shoot something large (like a deer or hog) and hang it in your yard while it cools. It goes a long way toward clarifying relationships with neighbors like that.

Little Miss English Teacher said...

I agree with Anonymous ... what makes two legs better than four?

I would have said the same two legged pig comment ... but would have probably named him Squealer or Napoleon for emphasis.

Anonymous said...

THe disclaimer is new ground for Poop and Boogies.

kalki said...

Please, for the sake of hilarity, do NOT develop a filter.

Today a co-worker came into my office and said, "I saw something yesterday I knew you would like." And my immediate response was, "Bacon?!"

Anonymous said...

I'd like to see a post on all of the comments you remove. Just a suggestion.