Monday, February 16, 2009

Leaving Church Early.

Is it wrong, while in church, to stare at the butt of the woman in front of you the entire mass?

I need to explain.

I took Maxfield and Wyatt with me to church. We settled into the pew and I gave them each their toy and a distraction snack. The distraction snack, this particular Sunday, was a baggie filled with a mixture of raisins and Pepperidge Farm Goldfish. With enough activities for the boys we usually make it to the 35 minute mark of the service before they get rambunctious and i feel the need to leave. The Mass started and everything was good.

The second time the congregation stood (you know how Catholic masses are sit, stand, kneel, stand, sit, kneel) is when the service became interesting. Wyatt stood and leaned over the front of the pew spilling part of the contents of his snack bag all over the seat in front of us. I quickly reached over and cleaned up most of the scattered food before the occupants of the pew in front of us sat down again. I did not want the people to sit and hear the popping crunch of Cheddar Goldfish meeting their demise. In my haste I missed a few raisins which the woman directly in front of me did not miss with her butt when she sat down.

When we stood again I looked down to see if I could pick up the fallen raisins. They were not on the pew. I looked up and saw that two raisins were stuck to the left cheek of the woman's jeans. I started chuckling to myself. I couldn't just reach out and wipe them off. I would surely get smacked. It was then time to kneel and I hoped that the motion of kneeling would knock them loose. I watched as one of the raisins slowly peeled away from the denim and fell to the floor leaving just one dangling from the seam of the back pocket.

As I stared at the woman's butt, watching the raisin, my mind started to panic. What if Max or Wyatt sees the raisin. Neither of them has mastered the art of the whisper. I pictured them blurting out "Dad look. That lady has a poop on her butt." I could hear in my mind the fits of laughter and giggles this would cause a five year old. I could feel the premature blush of embarrassment creep up my neck. I stared more intently at the raisin trying to will it to fall.

The congregation stood again. I hoped, I prayed (I was in church after all) that now that the raisin was in direct eye level of the kids, that they would not notice it. I did my best to keep the kids occupied on our side of the pew all the while I watched the woman's butt. Eventually the woman sat down again and when she stood up the raisin was gone. I looked at the bench and saw the flattened raisin squished onto the seat right next to her purse.

I reached down, and using my fingernail of my middle finger, I tried to scrape up the raisin guts. One of the people in the woman's pew noticed me reach over and must have thought that I was reaching for the purse and they gave me a dirty look. I held my up finger with the raisin stuck to it and showed them what I was doing. I quickly realized that it appeared as though I was flipping the bird to the person.

I sighed deeply and knew that I would not be able to explain the situation and decided it was best if we left Mass early.

27 comments:

teri said...

My first thought at stories like this?

"Poor William. always getting caught doing something that is so innocent."

Anonymous said...

Listen buddy,

I am married to the woman who sat in front of you in church. I recognized you from your pictures that you post here at Raisins and Boogies. Stop staring at my wife's butt.

Tismee2 said...

I'm here cringeing for you! It's like that extra long hair poking out of a nose or the wet patch - you just can't help yourself can you?

Mindy said...

Lol...that is too funny!

Anonymous said...

Is a raisin covered middle finger called a Wet William?

tracypartyof4 said...

This is hilarious! I was laughing so hard that I was crying.

Bogart in P Towne said...

I think that happened to John at the Sermon on the Mount.

He got a firm Tsk-Tsk from Jesus.

Patience said...

oh my

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I will from now on always check my butt when I stand up. I want no errant raisins or other child food sticking to my hiney.

Not too long ago I noticed a small child with an ink pen reach to draw on his mother's butt as the congregation was standing. I tapped him on the shoulder, and he grinned at me. But he didn't mark on Mom's butt!

Tela said...

That was funny! And I totally understand the distraction snack. We give our 3 year old daughter a few snacks every Sunday, I mean we pack her backpack, almost full...so much until she normally has enough to share with the other kiddies on our pew. You're lucky though our service lasts much longer than Mass :-)

Susie said...

I thought you were going to say someone leaned over the pew and munched the raisin right off her bottom. In which case you would have had to become Protestant. 'Cause that's how we roll.

Ern said...

OMG, hilarious! And very well-told. I was totally in suspense about the fate of the butt-raisin.

Izzy 'N Emmy said...

OMG! That is too funny! That is the most hilarious thing I have read all week!!

eclectic said...

The proper recipe for church snacks is right out of the Sermon on the Mount: 5 raisins and 2 fishes. And then Jesus multiplies it until it sticks on the butts of every person present, and there's still enough stuck on the pew to fill a few baskets with the raisin guts. Way to bring the Bible to life for your kids, man. Well done!

Otter Thomas said...

Very funny story. I wake up in cold sweats from nightmares about when my son is old enough to cause a ruckus at church. It is the perfect atmosphere for kids to embarass you. Seems like you handle it pretty well.

littlebluerambler said...

Our son stood on the seat and directed the choir. They could not even look at him. Some Sundays he directed the sermon, some he just rolled on the floor and picked his nose.(The pastor still liked him)Need I mention he is severely adhd? No raisin-poops, though.

creative-type dad said...

Too funny!!

You deserve and award for distracting your kids so they wouldn't see it.

My daughter would have been yelling "poop!" the whole time while laughing.

JP said...

Wait, wait, I think I saw this in a Family Matters skit one time. It's the one where Urkel plucked the raisin and then when the woman turns around he says, "Did I do that??"

kcinnova said...

ROTFL

crazylovescompany said...

That is the best church story I ever heard. I remember my dad bringing a whole roll of lifesavers to church and that, combined with the crayons and the page the church gave kids to color in, is what I remember from going to church as a kid.

Fulton Quads said...

Now that is PRICELESS! I do not think I will ever look at the person in front of me while in church the same again! LOL!
love, Cathy & the quads!

BKP said...

Being Catholic, I can relate to your story. My boys - almost five and two yrs old have left many a raisin, goldfish, gummy, you name it, in pews or on the floor. I try my best to clean up during & afterwards but I'm sure some gets missed. We've even got the "looks" over having snacks for the boys and have since weaned the 5 y.o. off food during church (though Mass is right during snack/lunch time). What do you do? I think God is just happy to have you there no matter what happens - raisins on butts and all. ha ha

LilSass said...

Ah, this is one of my faves! Oh how I love stories about mass. hahaha

sari said...

Once, while at Baskin Robbins, my son and I were sitting at a table by the window eating our cones. A man pulled up and slowly shuffled to the front door. It took him quite a long time because he was a very, very large man. I knew we were in for trouble, and my son did not disappoint: as soon as the man came in, my son, sitting there with a huge grin on his face as he ate his cone, announced to the whole store: "That man is ENORMOUS!"

We quickly exited, because I couldn't stop laughing myself. It was sad, I know, but true. And my son looked so happy as he said it, like it pleased him the man was so big.

Ahhh, kids.

kalki said...

Loved it! What a great story.

One time at a Christmas church program, the elderly woman in front of me had a curler still in her hair, in the back where she couldn't see it. I stared at it the entire time - couldn't decide if I should tell her or not. I didn't. I decided maybe it was the latest in granny fashion.

geeksinrome said...

it appeared as though you were flicking a dirty booger at someone!

letters to elijah said...

So what are you bringing for snack next week? :)

Roger Hutchison said...

Oh man - that was a good start to my day. I really did "laugh out loud". :D