Thursday, August 14, 2008

Scar

I had this "thing" removed from my neck.

It was a cyst but the definition for cyst is: An abnormal membranous sac containing a gaseous, liquid, or semisolid substance. I find that definition pretty gross so I refer to it as a "thing".

The dermatologist did not lance the "thing" she had to cut it out of my neck. This left an inch and half gash across the center of the front of my neck, right in front of my adams apple. She had to give me four stitches to keep the wound closed. She said the scar would "fall nicely into the crease of my neck" and should not be visible. I say it is placed nicely at the bottom of my slowly forming second chin.

I had to keep the sutures for a week. During that time, I attended a wedding and knew that people may ask questions about the small zipper staring at them from my throat. I told Lauren I was going to tell each person that asked a different story about what happened.

This is what Icame up with.

"I was held at knife point during a robbery and this is where the knife was held."
"I was choking and Lauren performed and emergency tracheotomy."
"I was running with scissors."
"When I was a kid, my brother shot me in the neck with a BB gun and I finally had the BB removed."

Lauren came up with "You woke up with a bug bite on your neck and it grew and when the doctor took it out it was filled with spider eggs."

At the wedding I only got to use two of my stories. The stitches were not as visible in the dim lit reception hall as I thought they would be.

I had the stitches removed and now I have a small scar which is more visible than the doctor claimed it would be. I need more stories to tell in the event that some one asks.

I have an inch and half scar across the front of my neck, tell me a good story that I can use in case someone asks.

48 comments:

Moi said...

You were rescuing a bus full of nuns from their fiery automobile and one of their rosaries cut you as you carried her across the highway.

Susie said...

You noticed the beginning of a third chin and had lipo.

PA said...

On a skiing vacation you got caught up in the chairlift and would have been strangled by your jacked had you not reach up with your pocket knife and cut yourself free - incidentally slicing your neck in the process.

SoMo said...

It is a coin purse. They make too much noise in your pocket.

Bogart in P Towne said...

Lauren bit you in the throws of passion...?

Shrapnel hit you in the battle...you know, that battle you were in.

You had an unborn twin removed from your jaw.

You went hunting with Dick Cheney.

You suffer from narcolepsy and fell asleep while eating a bowl full of muscles/oysters/clams.

Or you can just say it was the great blogging incident of ought-eight.

Charity Donovan said...

You've been learning to shave with a straight-razor & well it's just not working out so well.

The neighbor has a "friendly" Pit Bull.

Those damn vampires!

Katrina said...

You and another prisoner got into a fight over whose bitch Bubba was and you took a shiv to the throat...they should see the other guy.

No crap, there you were, surrounded by 1000 Italian ninjas, when you were suddenly struck by lightning.

You were in a cage fight.

Damned paper cuts.

You were trying to open a bottle of beer with your neck.

iVegasFamily said...

I like the story about the knife being held to your neck during a robbery, but I would have added about how you used your bad ass martial arts skills to subdue the robber until the police arrived. And afterwards it turned out that the guy was wanted by the FBI for a string of robberies across the country. For your bravely you'll be receiving a huge monetary reward.

Rattling the Kettle said...

After a night of drunken debauchery, you woke up only to find a small but blasphemously dirty tattoo on your throat. Your wife, not appreciating it one bit, demanded you have it removed immediately, but your dermatologist couldn't fit you in for at least two weeks (it's August, after all, and he's only working two days a week, golfing 5), so your wife took matters into her own hands.

"The tattoo? No, you don't want to know. Oh, OK, if you insist. It was a nun, on her knees, fellating the devil. I told you you didn't want to know. But it's really amazing how detailed the tattoo artist was, given such a small space with which to work."

eclectic said...

Neckties are the tool of the devil.

Mark said...

You are actually a woman, and had an artificial "adams apple" implanted.

Ali said...

I am nowhere near as inventive as these people. How absolutely hysterical!! You'll have to give us people's reactions when you use these stories!

tricki_nicki said...

I loved the bb one!

Melinda said...

(Since I am a nurse, I submit this one.) Please take a photo of the questioner face for us, when you answer them.
'It was a undescended testicle'.

Somo's answer still has me giggling.
I really like that one.

Dorion said...

Botched vasectomy.

James Austin said...

While visiting Georgia of all places, you were leaning over the recently discovered body of 'Bigfoot' when WHAM! he sticks a very long and very dirty fingernail right into your throat.

Erin said...

Cancer of the Adams Apple. The scar is from the implant they insisted on giving you for "cosmetic reasons".

Or maybe that's in poor taste.

SciFi Dad said...

"Ever seen Alien?"

Anonymous said...

tell the truth...

You cheated at scrabble and LAuren cut you with the "z" piece

Anonymous said...

Of course you should use sign language to tell the story because they took your voice box out to use for a character is Shrek 4

Anonymous said...

You were doing that thing you do with your finger to make your voice sound like a munchkin from the Wizaed of oz when a real midget heard you and slit your throat.

Anonymous said...

You were doing that thing you do with your finger to make your voice sound like a munchkin from the Wizaed of oz when a real midget heard you and slit your throat.

Anonymous said...

you cut yourself while taking off your Spiderman mask

Anonymous said...

The President nicked you while putting the medal of honor on you.

Anonymous said...

you injured yourself trying to make a girl with you wife. it involved a bat wing, eye of newt and a goat horn. you are 12 shots into the rabies sequence

Anonymous said...

obviously in a class prank at the 20th reunion meeting

Anonymous said...

you donated tissue to replace your brothers appendix

Anonymous said...

you donated tissue to fix your brothers ear drum

Anonymous said...

you donated tissue to cover up your brothers third nipple

Woman Undone said...

That's actually where the aliens probed you at.

raisingtheboys said...

That's where the aliens implanted your 3rd "child" and you had it removed and implanted into Lauren so she could stop walking around with the pillow under her shirt.

Ern said...

It WILL fade a lot more than you think. Keep sunblock on it.

Anonymous said...

When they ask say "what scar?" Freak out when you ask for a mirror and see it and start talking about the aliens that have found you again and the experiments.

have fun

Circus Kelli said...

Go with the vague...

"What? Oh that? Well, I can't really go into it, being in the Witness Protection Program and all..."

Mainline Mom said...

I think all your stories were perfect.

courtneyryan369 said...

You've taken up full contact golf/badmiton.

Sue said...

Geez, after all those excellent stories...I got nuthin.

Rich said...

I had the SAME thing done to me... and being post 4 years now, the scar does fade and appears more like a "new" crease....

Thanks for sharing!

http://daddypapa.blogspot.com

April said...

Abducted by aliens. That spot on your neck was really itchy so you went to the doctor. The alien probe was discovered during an x-ray. You had it removed, but the FBI and CIA confiscated it and you are now strongly advised to avoid discussing it. But you have pictures of the crop circles to prove it.

But seriously, did you get to see it after the doctor cut it out? I love gross stuff like that. When I had my gall bladder removed I was so pissed they wouldn't let me see it. Or even one of the stones. Whatever man, I mean it was mine right? Why couldn't I just see it? I know. I'm disgusting.

Steven said...

Isn't that the same operation they perform on trannies?

sari said...

You're really one of The Borg, and your human suit doesn't quite fit right.

(I had a cyst once - it was a lipoma (or fatty cyst) on my side, by my ribs. I saw it, it was gross. It looked like chicken fat. They just cut it out and said "here, look, bye" and threw it in a jar. Blech!)

Carrie said...

it's from the surgery you had to remove all traces of girl-making sperm.

Anonymous said...

You were bit by a presbyopic vampire. Missed your carotid by about 3 inches. Loss of blood is what caused your mind to malfunction. Vampire disappointed with so little blood, stitched you back with the lace from his shirt..he is now looking for a pregnant woman, carrying her third son. Keep your doors locked and don't leave home alone at night.

Becky said...

You were trampled by fans at a Jonas Brothers concert.

And no, that doesn't make you gay.

The Maid

Effie said...

I like Lauren's story...creepy!

you've got some creative readers, eh?!

Practically Joe said...

Grow a long beard or invest in some turtle necks. Then there'll be no explainin'!

JP said...

You were sitting at this awesome sushi bar and the chef lost control of the knife, and well, let's just say you can eat sushi for free anytime you want...

Anonymous said...

got caught up in a bad crowd when u were younger(gangs). and they cut u when they found out u were leaving the gang.