Monday, December 19, 2005

The Key Stone

William is on vacation. Guest Post by the Lawn Whisperer

I have lived the better part of the past 30 years as the poor deprived middle child. I have suffered through self-proclaimed neglect. I have been forgotten, misplaced, left, and pretty much ignored. Why, because I am the middle child of nine. Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you. So I have lived with this burden, and have done so with great fanfare, and complaining. I let everyone know of my plight. I beg the world to pay attention to me. I plead with anyone that will listen (and there are not many that will) to please hear me out. But now, I am changing my tune. I have had an epiphany. Well, actually, my mother has had an epiphany.

You see my mom has come clean. She has recently told me the truth about my neglect. That’s right ladies and gentlemen; the woman who cooked up many a meal that consisted of poop and boogies has spoken the truth. Momma Poop and Boogies has decided that it was time for me to know the truth. She shouted, “ You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!!!” No, no, no, I’m sorry, that was Jack from A Few Good Men. My mom was much nicer about it.

She told me that it is common in large families that the oldest child, and the youngest child are the ones that keep the family together. They are the ones that make sure that all stays good, and everyone sticks together through life. She said that is the case in most normal families. She then said, “Our family is not normal.” This is where it got interesting. My mom told me that I am the centerpiece to the family. That’s right, me. The Lawnwhisperer. She said that I was much like the middle stone in the great arches that have been constructed. She said that I am the Keystone. If you take the middle stone out of and arch, the rest of them fall, and the arch crumbles. I am the stone that holds up all of the weight. The Middle stone. The Keystone. She told me that I am the one holding the family together.

Now, I know that she told me this, just to make me stop making negative comments on Bill’s Blog. She reads them, and scolds me. I know she is just trying to make me feel better, but I have chosen to run with this theory. I, the Lawnwhisperer, am the Keystone to the Poop and Boogies family. I am very important. I would like to keep writing to you folks now, but I have other things to do. I must go, and keep the family together. There is a lot riding on my shoulders. I will try to check in from time to time, but I have a family to save.

Signing off,

The Artist Formerly Known as the LawnWhisperer

Now Known as the Keystone.

25 comments:

ieatcrayonz said...

I love your mom. It takes a special woman to make each of her NINE children feel as though they are the most special one in the bunch.

My mom was #6 of 8. There was no keystone. The family fell apart.

Kami said...

Wow. Quite a responsibility you have there, Keystone.

Circus Kelli said...

Keystone Lawn Whisperer... On the slightly cynical side "Bwahahahahaha! That's terrific! Keytsone! I gotta remember that one!"

On the in awe of your Mom's ability to change your perspective "Wow. That's good. I'll have to remember that..."

Grace said...

See. You are important. So important that you mom went to all the trouble to give you a "duty".

LizzieDaisy said...

Let's see... my hub was number 2 of 10. I'm trying to figure out who holds it all together. I think it's Susan who is number 3. She's the only unattached one along with number 10. Who is amazing and helps everyone out as well. So I suppose we can add her in cause they don't come any more perfect than her, though she is really quiet and shy. Never had a date. A shame. She's just so family oriented. Anyone have a cute boy about 19 lying around? :)

I am middle also but only of three. Still hated it though. Something about being middle that made me feel nonspecial. I'm glad your mom found a special "place" for you. Now no more picking on your brother. Hee.

Toady Joe said...

Welcome, Keystone Lawn Whisperer. Nice to have you back!

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Whisperer.... As an observer of your 'entire' Family and an outsider laughing all the time I begin with this notion: Your Mom is a very very intelligent and wonderful individual (now that should score me at least several points) She has told you that you were the centerpiece of the family because she knew this would stroke your Larger than Live Ego for at least a day or two. But Mr. Whisperer this is what you failed to notice... the Pillars, the legs, are what supports every structure in Life... the Arch, the Bridges, and yes the Family... its the Pillars, not the Center Piece that holds everything together.... So reverting back to your ever so wise mother, she knew all you would hear was Centerpiece of the Family.. when in fact she knows deep down that it is the end pieces that holds the family together the 'Pillars' the First and Last Born.

So yes, once again you were tricked by your mother... ahh what a wise Mom you have.
-JV-

No_Newz said...

You know William is going to delete this blasphemy as soon as he returns from holiday don't cha. ;)
Keystone, centerpiece, and cream of the Oreo Cookie that is you oh middle child. Welcome back. Get your own blog and have a very merry Christmas! (bossy baby of my family of 8 but they just call me glue)
Lois Lane

Stacie said...

I think they make a beer for that! Stacie
ps..your mom sounds cool!

Mainline Mom said...

And here I saw the title and the author and thought you were going to write a nice little post about life in Pennsyltucky. No such luck.

eclectic said...

Keystone, eh? As in "cop"?

G-Side Pride said...

tslk about mother butt kisser. ur doing a little of that while boosting ur ego. u hipocrite

Kari said...

Awwww...mommy apllied the ego bandaid? Too cute!

Hold strong Keystone!

kimmyk said...

Wow, I think you need a special costume or something.

Keystone Man!

Maybe one of your sibs should play a special track on the boombox when you walk in the room.

It could happen.

Random and Odd said...

*doing the dorky dance*

Go KEYSTONE...GO KEYSTONE...it's your birthday...Go Keystone!"

Yeah, I might be eating too much spray on cheese.

I remember how happy I was my sister told me the truth about my mom, The Fonz. She said, "Mom lied! She wasn't on the way to the abortion clinic when the car broke down and that's the only reason you're here today. She was kidding, Kristine...kidding."

RazDreams said...

dear keystone, i blove you. too bad you're happily married with three (four, counting the lawn) kids. too bad i'm in love with someone else. but! if we weren't perchance with others, i know you'd be my one and only "keystone." blove, raz.

Max's Favorite Uncle said...

Random and Odd, You aren't suppose to eat the cheese straight from the container, That is what happened to the Lawn Whisperer. One too many hits off the whipped cream container.

Favorite Non-Related Cousin said...

I'm not sure but there are some crazy crazy comments here.... I guess the Lawn Whisperer brings out the crazyness in people. Oh and by the way... ummmm also just wanted to say Hi to Kari !!!

Hi Kari...

Effie said...

I was #3 of 6--one of the two middle kids--so, I resemble that remark!

Teehee

Cat said...

From one Keystone to another (middle of six-- hey, SHUT. UP. there IS a middle!): Rock on, dude. Your family is TOTALLY counting on you. Don't screw it up. Seriously. It's all on you.

No pressure.

Kari said...

Hi favorite non-related cousin...

favorite non related cousin said...

Ummmm wanted to say Hi back at Kari....
you know the lawn whisperer has been known to have some type of mystical, magical, togetherness powers.... He brings people together... makes them laugh and sends them on their way to happiness..... (does that make sense?) if it did, Kari can you explain....

Sudiegirl said...

Keystone's one of my favorite beers, and it's usually on sale.

:0)

Sudiegirl

Susie said...

Haaa!
"I, the Lawnwhisperer, am the Keystone to the Poop and Boogies family."
If a more bizarre, delightful sentence has ever been written on a blog, I have not seen it.

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