We call it Sigmund. 

Nuk Nuk Who's There?

From the time that Max was born I have refused to call any of his toys, blankets and or baby needs by any other name than what it actually is. A Pacifier is a pacifier. Not a bink, binky, paccy, pap, nook or nookie. Nookie is how Max was created. There are no ba ba's. Just bottles. There is no wooby, blankie or bankie. Just blankets. Max has not really had any sort of attachment to anything to give it a name except Murphy the Monkey. Max cannot say Murphy or Monkey so it does not make a difference. I am not saying that other people are wrong for giving these names to their pacifiers and what not. I am sure once Maxfield starts talking, we will start using cutes names for his toys and stuff. I am just against parents already assigning names to things before the kid does. I do not think I should be teaching him how to mispronounce things from the get go.

Well, we are trying to get him off the bottle. Lauren went out and bought a half sip cup and half bottle. It is made by a company called NUBY (with the little accent thing above the "U"). What do we call it? I wanted to call it the Nipple Cup. But Lauren felt that had a different meaning. We could call it the Suck Cup.UH, NO!!!

I mean we need to name it because when he is crying and Lauren says from the other room "Bill, Can you bring me the thing with the sip cup bottom and the half bottle nipple and half sip cup lid.",it is not going to work. Lauren thinks we should just call it a NUBY. Is it NOOBY or NUBBY or is NEW BUY? We need a name.

Luna's Life

Way back in 03 I used to write a blog about the dog. Luna's Log. It was written from her (Luna's) perspective. Since we have had Max, Luna has not been getting the attention she deserves. She is a great dog and is awesome to have around (most days). I stumbled upon some of her entries and figured I would post one here. This should make her happy.

Luna's Log 5/13/03
I like walking on Monday nights and Tuesday mornings. It is trash day in the neighborhood. There are all kinds of awesome smells. People throw away the greatest things. Like pizza crust. Why people don't eat pizza crust I will never figure out. Lauren does not eat hers. I love pizza crust. I found a piece by the curb and before Lauren and Bill could get it from me I had the whole thing in my mouth. Bill tried to pull it out but I bit down harder, right onto Bill's finger. He was mad. I don't know why, because I have seen him scarf down pizza before. Lauren said I am going to get worms. I think I am going to get pepperonis. I also like trash day because people leave out their recycling cans. There is always a little bit of food in them. Trash day is like a buffet for dogs. LUNA

I will try to include more of her writing in the future.

She is so Patient. 

Max's New Toy

Max has a new toy. While giving him his bath tonight Max found the one thing that will cause him so much pleasure and disappointment for the rest of his life. That's right. Maxfield found his Johnson. His pecker. His penis. He couldn't keep his hands off it. After he finished his bath and we put on his diaper he kept looking for it. I needed to distract him with whatever stuffed animals we had in the crib. Which I think is now going to cause him some problems. Because I was distracting him with Bear, and with the purple Horse and with Murphy the Monkey which are all decent euphemisms.

His response to the word "NO". 

Secrets

When we moved to FL we moved into a development that has a lake 1 block from our house. I want to buy a boat. Lauren has already agreed to this, however the actual type/amount of the boat has never been discussed. I asked my brother to send Lauren some info on boats to kind of push her in the right direction. The following is part of their emails back and forth. A few things that are strange is no mention of boat anywhere as well as the fact that both my wife and brother are divulging secrets. My wife explaining my incompetence and my brother revealing the reasons for it. I just want a boat.


JOHN,
What exactly are we cheating and/or winning at? And what do you mean by your ability to play dirty? I think you may suffer from "I don't have the time to be bothered with this" syndrome, something that Bill suffers from as well. However, in your haste to get everything done at the speed of light, as you put it, your work is sloppy and in many cases has to be re-done, causing even more lost time and money.
Example: Our fountain pump has been broken for several weeks. I finally found the manual that explains how to properly take it apart and put it back together. I asked Bill if he read the instructions, and he said yes. Well, if he had, he would have seen that he is not supposed to use caulk to put it back together, because it makes the water milky, and if he should ever need to take it apart again, it now has to be cut apart, whereas if he used plumber's putty, like the instructions say, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Needless to say, he is redoing the project again this weekend. Now I understand that you are both incredibly busy men, what with all the golf and video games that need to be played, but wouldn't you agree that one weekend day on a project is better than two? My theory is do it the right way the first time, and even though it may take a few extra precious seconds longer, you won't have to worry about it again.

Oh, and didn't your mom ever tell you cheaters never prosper? LAUREN

LAUREN,
Let me explain the mentality of a semi-retarded-when-it-comes-to-tools man. You see, if we do it right the first time, you will assume that we know what we are doing, and may actually be good at meaningless chores. This then leads to more meaningless chores being added to our list, cause we are now good at it. So there is never a do it right, and be done mentality with you girls. Your mentality is if we do it right the first time, then we can do more things.

Example: Vic did not like the faucets in our bathroom. Vic wanted new ones. So we got new ones and I started the installation process. The first step of the installation is to remove the existing faucets. There were no directions on this step of the process, so I made them up. This was time consuming on the first one, cause I had no clue as to what I was doing. I have never aspired to be a plumber, nor am I crafty enough to pretend to be one. So after a hack saw, a blow- torch, and some good old fashioned cursing and screaming, I got the bastard off. Then I installed the new faucet. That was a piece of cake. So now I had to move onto the next faucet. My keen sense of observation while dismantling the first faucet made me notice two bolts that I had not seen while I was cursing, sweating, and aching. I did not see these bolts until after I pulled it out from the sink. So on the second one, I loosened those bolts before trying to pry it away. It came right out. No crow-bar. No blow-torch. No hack-saw. Out it came. So I put the second new faucet in. The first faucet took the good part of 3 hours. The second took me 20 minutes. You know what I got for realizing that it is a 20 minute project? I got 4 new faucets to change in all the other rooms. That's right, now I have to change them all. If it was hard, I would have no more faucet duty. But cause it is easy, I am now a plumber. She is even talking toilets now. That blows.
JOHN

JOHN
Ok, so what you're telling me is you and Bill are both evil geniouses diguised as idiots? LAUREN

Here's an Example

I went to Gymboree yesterday during my lunch to watch Max play. I have never had the chance to see him really interact with other children. He is now at the age where, I think, it is important for him to be around other kids. I was the only father there. I felt a little uncomfortable. I don’t know why. But I did.
When I got back one of my co-workers commented on “Why” I would go. It was not a rude or malicious comment, more of a wise crack really. I feel lucky, that I only work 2.5 miles on two roads with a total of 4 traffic lights away from Gymboree that I can go and watch Max. But the comment got me to thinking. Why would I go?

My parents raised 9 kids. There is a 10-year age difference from the oldest to the youngest. My dad worked and my mom stayed home. My dad worked a lot. But he never missed a baseball game, a football game, basketball game, a band performance or a play or recital. He even coached each one of us at some point in either basketball or baseball. Sometimes he coached us twice in a sport. I remember he coached me in T-Ball. I was the catcher. I got to wear all the cool gear and pads. I was the catcher because my dad was the coach and he knew I would love to play catcher. My job was to catch the last out of the inning. It was an important job. **

He also coached my 7th grade and 11th grade intramural basketball teams. In between he was coaching my other siblings. The only time he would miss a game was if he was actually coaching another brother in a game. I can remember him coaching on little league field #2 and he would be facing field #1 because one of us was at bat on field #1. There is the coach facing the wrong field. Did he feel uncomfortable? Probably not. He was always there. He bent his schedule to be there for us. That is why I went to see Max at Gymboree. Because my dad set a good example. So thanks dad. Thanks for being there for us. Thanks for being a good example. I hope I can set a good example for Max.

**It wasn’t until I was an adult that I found out that the only reason why I was the catcher in T-ball was because as my dad said, “You were not that coordinated. I didn’t want you to get hurt. I figured having all the pads on would protect you”.
Again, thanks for looking out for me dad.

Fisher Price 500 Winner! 

What Color is Your Poop?

Not quite the topic you may want to read about but, since this is about my parent’s influence on me as a parent, as well as it is the name of the blog, I figured what the hell.

When we were young, my 7 brothers, 1 sister and I and we did not feel well my mother usually asked the normal questions. “What hurts?” “Do you have a headache?” “ Do you feel feverish?” then she would check with the hand-to-the-head thermometer. But one of the last questions was always “What color is your poop?”

We make fun of her on occasion for this question.
What diagnosis could she make from that? Would the color determine whether you had the flu? A cold?
The only thing I could ever determine was how much grape Kool-Aid I drank.
Now that I have Max, Lauren and I have definitely noticed a correlation to the color and the smell to how he is feeling. Now that the second set of teeth are coming in the color has changed as well as the smell, we are starting to figure out the diagnostic capabilities to “What color is your poop?”

To quote the Mrs., a few days ago, “It has a sweet corny smell to it, maybe we are feeding him too much corn.”
I can’t wait for the kid to start drinking Kool-Aid.

Walk this Way

Max is walking pretty good these days. He can actually make it from room to room now with out holding on to anything. The past few days we have let him walk to the park. Not on his own of course. Lauren and I escort him. And he has the help of a walker type toy that his godmother Bridgett gave to him at Christmas. It is like a lawnmower. He loves to push it along. The park is about a block and half away. It is pretty cool because at his age everyday he walks we can say “He has never walked this far in his ENTIRE life” and it is a true statement. How often do we say stuff like that that is not true? For a 1-year-old kid everyday is like a milestone achievement. If Maxfield could talk he could say “I have never eaten this much Cheerios in one sitting in my entire life”, or “I have never pooped this much in one day in my entire life” and they pretty much are all true statements.

The other cool thing about him only being one is that he thinks I am the best singer, next to his mom, in the world. I can sing Itsy Bitsy Spider and the ABC’s better than anybody. They are the only two songs that I know. But if I were to cut an album, Max would buy it.

One random thought.

“Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya, you should take Crestor, or prepare to die.”

Tooth Un-Fairy

I got a call from my brother John asking about the photo of the moon that says “Max Loves MaMa and Pa.” Before we left for Florida my mom, whose grandchildren call MaMa (like Grand Ma Ma), wrote a story for Max. The basic gist of the story is that every time Max sees the moon he should say “I love you MaMa”, and every time that my mom sees the moon she will say “I love you Max.” Even though they live a thousand miles apart they can still share the moon. It was a nice story and whenever we see the moon I say for Max “I love you MaMa”.

While I was speaking with John he mentioned that his son needed a visit from the tooth fairy. He asked how much was too much to give him, not wanting to set a precedent and what not. John said, “I mean when we were growing up I used to get a dollar.” I said, “A dollar? I used to only get a quarter. And I am younger than you. Man I got ripped off."

MaMa has some explaining to do.

Max Loves MaMa and Pa  

Gymboree

Lauren has been taking Maxfield to Gymboree. Basically it is a padded room, with padded toys, with other kids and their parents to run around and not get hurt (the kids not the parents). We met some other mothers and little kids Max’s age and Lauren and I are always surprised how big Max is in comparison to the kids his age. We always get the somewhat sideways glance from some woman who says with hesitation, “How old is he?” Like maybe Max should be in the next class up because this class is for kids just learning to walk and of course Max is too big to be in this class.
We respond with “13 months.” Then they always go “Ohhh, Oooh I thought he was 18 months or older”. Then the realization hits them that Max is not a total idiot and that the reason that he does not talk or walk too well is because he has only been alive for just over a year.
Then a little bit of guilt hits the woman that asks the question and they usually come back with a compliment like “ Well, he is a cutie.” Or “Look at that smile.” Or my personal favorite “Well, he sure is a HAPPY baby.” I always feel like responding by saying “Of course he's happy. He has two parents that love him and he gets to walk around with no pants on most of the time. Wouldn’t that make you happy?”
But,I never do.

Reasons for a Social Life

Lauren and I have been living in Florida now for 45 days now. No friends or family to speak of down here at this time. So besides shopping and fixing up the house and doing chores we entertain ourselves with some different conversations. I figured I would post the best.
#1
Me: There was a murder in our backyard.
Lauren: What? When? (I guess she was thinking before we moved in the house)
Me: About 5 minutes ago. There are still some left.
Lauren: What?
Me: There were 15 crows in the backyard. Look there are still some there.
Lauren: Oh.
Me: A murder is what you call a flock of crows or blackbirds.
Lauren: Yea I know but you scared me for a second there.
#2
I forget when this one took place.
Lauren: You know the other night, when I kept waking you up because you were farting so loud.
Me: Yeah, I’m sorry about that.
Lauren: You only farted once.
Me: Really?
Lauren: Yeah. All the other times I was just messing with you.
Me: Why?
Lauren: I thought it was funny.
#3
Last night while watching T.V. I was on the chair, Lauren on the couch and right next to her, Bogart the cat sleeping peacefully.
Lauren: Isn’t that the lady that was in that show with George Jefferson?
Me: No.
Lauren: No not the Jefferson’s but the spin off show.
Me: I don’t know what you are talking about.
Lauren: It was the show…I remember her and another lady singing “It’s Raining men”(Lauren starts to sing It’s raining Men)Bogart Jumps up scared to death. I guess he really thought it was raining men.
Me: I don’t think the cat like your singing.
#4
I am reading a book about Alexander Hamilton, one of the founding fathers of United States. Every now and then I will tell Lauren some tidbit of information I learned from the book. This was this morning’s conversation.
Me: Did you know a slaveholding president from the south occupied the presidency for 50 of 72 years following Washington’s first inauguration?
Lauren: Did you know (singing) The music train is on the tracks, listen to it go clickety clack. This is from the Leap Frog music train.
Lauren: Can you tell I need to have more adult interaction?

It's only a matter of time before I have to call 911 to get him unstuck.  

Big Ol' Bag of Poop

I walk the dog, Luna, usually 2 times a day. We walk around the neighborhood. The new neighborhood, where I do not know anyone, since I just moved to Florida from Pennsylvania.
I pick up Luna's poop, in a plastic bag, everyday. I HATE meeting my NEW neighbors holding a big ol' bag of poop. It's even worse when I carry the bag of poop in my right hand. No one wants to shake my hand.

A State by any Other Name

Everyone knows that Florida is the Sunshine Sate. I have come up with a few names that I think they could possibly rename the State Slogan.

1. The Accident State. We have seen more car accidents here than I have ever seen in my entire life. Because of # 2 and #3.
2. The U-Turn State. The way the roads are built down here it is nearly impossible to make a left anywhere there is not a traffic light. You have to go to the next major intersection and make a U-turn, and then make a right hand turn.
3. Run the Red Light State- Most of the people I have spoken to in Florida, warned us that people run red lights all the time. Due to the fact that most of the roads have a speed limit of 45 mph sometimes it is hard to stop in time. People call it the two car rule. If you are waiting at a red light facing north, once the light turns green, you wait for 2 cars to go through east/west light that just turn red before you should proceed.
4. The Blue Hair State- Obvious reasons.
5. The Shopping Center State- They are everywhere.
6. The Blue Roof State. Since there were 4 hurricanes last year, there are blue tarps on tons of roofs down here. Waiting for Insurance money.

Just a few. I am sure there are more.

Ice Cream and Haircut. 

SWATS

Max got his first official haircut yesterday. Lauren says he was good. There were only a few crying moments but otherwise he was awesome. He sat in Lauren's lap as the lady cut his hair. He looks like a little boy again. When I got home, I walked up to him and lightly smacked the back of his head and said "Swat". I have no idea what that means. My dad used to do it to me and my brothers. As kids, whenever we would get a haircut my dad would "Swat" us. We couldn't wait to tell him we got a haircut so he would "Swat" us. He would just smack the back of your head, not hard or anything and flick his wrist and say "SWAT". We would say to each other " Did you get Swats?". Again, I have no idea, what the hell it means, but it was fun to Swat Max.