Wednesday, April 04, 2012


A day does not go by that I do not think of her. Some days I miss her, other days I feel indifferent, but I still think of her. She was a big part of my life.

She was part of my life when I met Lauren. At first Lauren was okay with her being around but as time wore on Lauren told me I needed to get rid of her. I tried. I would go a month, maybe two. Then I would see her with someone else and it would remind me of all the good times. I would bring her back. She made me feel good and I always felt I deserved to feel good.

Lauren caught me a few times. Lauren said she could smell her. Lauren would plead with me. I would feel guilty.  I would tell Lauren it was over. And it was. For a month or two. I would go back. I would sneak around trying to find moments to be alone with her.

Lauren and I were married. I did my best not to bring her around. I was starting a new life and did not need the baggage she would bring.

I was sitting in a bar not too long after having our first child. I saw her from across the room. She was dancing with a group of people. The way she gracefully swayed, entangling her way amongst her friends, the way she sparkled, bringing smiles to the faces of the people she was with mesmerized me. I had to have her again.

I missed her. I missed how she made me feel. I missed her scent. I missed the taste of her on my lips. I went back to her. I knew I could not bring her around my children. What would they think? She was a bad influence on me, she would be a bad influence on my kids. But I had to have her.

I went back to sneaking around. I would not see her all the time or as much as I used to but every now and then I would find a way to be with her. I think Lauren knew but she was too busy with the kids to make a argument. I think Lauren wanted to give me some space, let me figure things out.

I finally did. One day I came to realize what was important. I stopped smoking cigarettes four years ago.

I enjoyed smoking. Sure, I was addicted but I enjoyed smoking. Cigarettes were a big part of my life. It was a difficult habit to break. A day does not go by that I do not think of smoking. Some days I miss cigarettes, other days I feel indifferent, but I still think of cigarettes.


M@ said...

It's been 15 years and I still miss it. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. People ask if I'm a smoker. I am a smoker, I just don't smoke.

Meegs said...

It's been 6 years since I quit for real (10 since I quit but had an occasional cigarette... yeah.). I don't miss regular cigarettes, but boy oh boy do I miss clove cigarettes! But my health and the example I'm setting for Gwen make the thought of going back gross to me.

Congrats on 4 years!

Melissa said...

5 years...and i am glad to hear you say these words. i miss it...i miss it everyday. i always say if i find out i am dying of something other than "old age" i will start again.

and much like M@, above, EXACTLY...i am a smoker that doesn't smoke!

what a powerful, powerful drug.


Anonymous said...

So proud! It's so right! She is "trashy". So glad you got rid of her. Smelly, dirty, and looks awful undressed! You made the right decision. I saw her the other day in the gutter,near the trash disposal box...what was left of her anyway...I heard she is a disease carrier...Don't think of her. Be glad she's gone! I never did like her much.

Lauren said...


for a different kind of girl said...

Way to stay strong. I believe she can be incredibly tempting, but you're pretty awesome to hold strong.

Anonymous said...

I liked when you used to stray once in a while. Hand in the cookie jar. It has been a long time