Thursday, September 09, 2010

A Stripper Taught Me How to Do Laundry

My mom never taught me how to do laundry. She did most of it and when I was old enough to do my own I just winged it. I moved out of my parent's house when I was 19 and most of my laundering was done at the Laundromat or some other coin operated machine in various basements of the various apartments I rented. I was working as a life insurance underwriter so I took most of my dress shirts and dress pants to the dry cleaner, which was the only other true expense I had at the time; rent, food, beer and dry cleaning were my bills. I got by.

I started working in a nightclub when I was 24. The after hours club where I worked downtown was located right next door the city's premiere gentleman's club (AKA a nudey bar or strip joint). I worked 5 nights a week during hours of operation and 2 days a week dealing with vendors, promotions and book keeping. One of the managing owners of the strip joint also was a partner at the place I worked. I spent a lot of time going back and forth between the two places to borrow supplies, make change, persuade VIP customers to visit my club and report numbers.

One day around 2 in the afternoon I had to run next door to see my boss. I entered the darkened black light lit gentleman's club from the bright sunny outdoors. I waited a minute for my eyes to adjust to the darkness and my ears to adjust to the too much bass mixed Guns N Roses Paradise City. Once I could make out faces I nodded a hello to the doorman and I waved to the barmaid. A dancer, named Mercedes or Porsche or some other type of fancy car name, sitting by herself at the bar pointed at my shirt and started laughing. She directed the barmaid's attention to my shirt and she too started laughing.

I looked at my shirt and I could see big purplish fluorescent splotches spattered all down the front. I walked towards the bar and I asked the barmaid what was so funny. She told me my shirt looked like it was, well, what she said was not very nice but it involved body fluids. The dancer then asked me if I did my own laundry. I found the question to be odd but I answered yes. She then asked me how I did my laundry. I told her that I put all my clothes in the washer, pour the liquid detergent over the top of the clothes and then I turn on the washer.

The dancer took a drag from her cigarette, as she exhaled up into the air she said, "That's the problem right there." She then explained to me that the by pouring the liquid detergent over top of dry clothes was causing it to "stick" to my shirt. The soap was not dissolving completely in the load of laundry. Liquid laundry detergent has fluorescent qualities that make it glow in the presences of black lights. Mercedes, or Porsche or Miata, then told me that I should put the detergent into the washing machine first, then turn it on and let it fill halfway before I put my clothes in. The soap would have a chance to dissolve and not stick to any one article of clothing. I would also get a cleaner load of laundry overall.

The front door to the club opened, silhouettes of a three male patrons appeared in the door way, back lit by the bright sun. The door closed and three men paused waiting for their eyes to adjust. Darkness enveloped them except for the bright white fluorescent splotches scattered across their clothes.

I am sure most strippers have all kinds of cleaning tips.

17 comments:

Jibberblog said...

Love this. My husband thought I was nuts for not wanting to throw the detergent on top of the clothes. I always felt it would only clean the clothes it touched, so I let it fill, then pour it into the water once the clothes are soaked. Strippers are smart.

Mommycosm said...

I totally used to do this before we bought a front loading washer.

But I'm not a stripper, lol.

for a different kind of girl said...

Um, I shall now never enter any gentlemen's club with freshly laundered clothing on now because apparently, I still sometimes wash my clothes like a man, and I think a woman walking in with a shirt that showed up like that would paint an entirely different picture.

Ethan, Zach, and Emma's Mom said...

I totally just learned something. That's EXACTLY how I do my laundry--no more, though. Thanks for the lesson!

Maybe you should write a book. "All I need to know in life I learned from a stripper. At least about laundry."

Tori Spelling said...

"I spent a lot of time going back and forth between the two places to borrow supplies, make change, persuade VIP customers to visit my club and report numbers." Uh-huh. I'm SURE this is what you spent a lot of time going back and forth for. Very believable.

Anonymous said...

Tori has got it RIGHT! Do you think I'd believe anything else? All you had to do was ask......"Mom, how do you do laundry?" You're interest wasn't there, as long as I did it for you. the truth comes out... it all comes out in the wash!

SciFi Dad said...

This post will be used to justify a man's presence at a gentlemen's club for years to come.

God bless you, fine sir.

Anonymous said...

I love strippers

Anonymous said...

What about the time where you took off your shirt and your back hair lit up? What did the stripper say then?

Christian Alberto Ledesma said...

I'm going to have to take my son to club to do some "research" on laundry.

Papa K said...

FUNNY post man. I wasn't so lucky as to have a stripper tell me how to do my laundry. I learned from a transvestive vampire hooker.

James said...

If I had a nickel (or a crisp single) for every thing I learned from a stripper...

the other amy m said...

OK, this is my first comment ever - I've been reading for at least 2 years now - this is a funny post that made me laugh out loud - some of the comments are even funnier. I did my wash wrong too, although we have a front loader now & I don't have to be concerned. Thanks for the good laugh.

James (SeattleDad) said...

'The Strippers Guide to Cleaning' should be required reading for all college freshmen.

Aimee Greeblemonkey said...

LOVE this story.

kcinnova said...

Should I send this link to my college freshman?

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Strippers...they are so wise.