Tuesday, November 08, 2005

With Friends Like These

The following is part of two funny phone conversations I had with my brother.

Bill, I just want you to be prepared for what may be in your future. My wife just called me and told me that when I get home I have to give my son and enema. You see he is a little constipated and the she took him to the doctor and the doctor said that is what we need to do. Why me? Because I am the poop master. Apparently that is my title in the house. This is what I have to look forward to this evening when I get home from work. Everybody always says “Ohhh being a parent is wonderful” or “Fatherhood is so rewarding.” What is so rewarding about giving an enema? How do I explain to a four year old that I am giving him an enema? How are you supposed to do that? I know the kid is in pain. He didn’t even want to go trick or treating and if he doesn’t want to do that, than I am sure he needs this. I just wanted to let you know that is what I have planned for this evening.

This is part of the phone call a few hours later.


So I get home and I say , “Luke, come here. I have to give you an enema.” He says to me, “M&M’s okay.” So now I know I let the kid down already. I bring him into the bathroom and I show him the box. On the back is a picture of the position he needs to be in and I explain to him that I need him to kneel down like the guy in the picture. So he gets down on the towel that I laid out and I tell him I have to take his pants off? “Why do you need to take my pants off?” I tell him to just do it and I leave the bathroom to get another towel. He turns to me and says, “Dad? I am not going to like this am I?” How am I supposed to answer that? I come back and he locked me out of the bathroom. He kept saying that he was fine and that he did not need the enema. I had to get a wire hangar and break into the bathroom to give him an enema. I was trying not to laugh. No one tells you this is what being a father is all about. I tell him to relax, that I have to insert the plastic tube into his butt. He said “No you don’t.” I explained that it was going to hurt me more than it hurt him. Although I know that is a bunch of bullshit. So I go to insert the enema and he clenching his cheeks so tight. You should have seen it, I am fighting with a four year old trying to pry open his cheeks. Do I have help? No. Because I am the Poop master. This is my job as a father. I take out the trash, cut the grass, move heavy things and I give enemas. They are the manly jobs.

19 comments:

Shadow said...

Hilarious blog! I am so glad i went blog surfing this morning! I've bookmarked it, and will return to see what the "Poop Master" has posted.

By the way, the photos are great!

kalki said...

I lost it with the wire hangar. Too funny! And the last two sentences were hilarious. Your entire family needs blogs, William. (Although I realize your mother would NOT be pleased by that.)

Effie said...

Oh--poor kid--not an enema...

funny story!

Grace said...

Poor little guy but on the bright side, it's a kid. Not a 84 year old man trying really hard not to poop.

jd said...

Aww I feel so bad for Luke! Poor kid thought he'd get M&M's. What a let down.

Meegs said...

Lol, poor little guy. Poor big guy too I guess!
So did everything... uh, come out okay in the end?

ieatcrayonz said...

God, I hope it worked.

No_Newz said...

Awwww, poor Luke, poor dad! Funny story though! I hope he went and got him some M&Ms after that.
Tell him now the kid knows how bad that sucks, maybe he can get him to drink prune juice mixed with 7Up before he gets so backed up again. (it is yucky but way better than a butt invasion)
Thanks for sharing your brother's pain Bill. :)
Lois Lane

Cat said...

O. M. Geeee...

Dude. I am SO glad I'm not the Poop Master.

Heh. M&M's. Heh.

And aaaaaw! Poor little duffer!

McSwain said...

I am laughing so hard. Yet I can't help but feeling for the sake of that poor kid that I'm so very, very wrong for laughing. Out loud. For a long time.

Müzikdüde said...

Enema?

Who gives enemas anymore?

Stacie said...

Awww that poor babe! I hope he feels better soon! Stacie

LizzieDaisy said...

You forgot "puke cleanerupper." He's in charge of all the nasty jobs. It's a boy thing. At least that's what I tell him.

And this brings back daymares about my eldest son holding it for two weeks at a time when my second was born. He had a few control issues. Ha. But it was seriously ugly... ran around screaming. Suppositories. And yeah, feels a bit like you're violating the poor kid. I guess that's why I handed over all those jobs to the hub. He can be the mean one. He's not home as much as me!! :)

SuzanH said...

Oh. My. God.

That was hilarious. Amazingly funny.

And sadly true. I know there are definitely some manly jobs that I have no hesitation in handing over to the man of the house.

I'm so glad you have such a big family. So much blog fodder.

SoozieQ said...

Ohmygoodness. Um, ok. Again, so thankful I don't have kids.

mrtl said...

I had to run to the bathroom halfway through this.

Poor kid.

Dottie said...

Poor little guy! I sure hope it worked. My husband has the designated manly jobs, too!

Jewl said...

Good God, the images that were coming to my head... Blek.... Poor kid...Poor Daddy!

Jake Silver said...

I'm browsing your archives and this is the funniest post on fatherhood I have ever read.